My ex-husband and his new girlfriend

[ConfuseddotComMum]

I split up with my husband 2 years ago. A year ago we got divorced even though Im still in love with him (on my wishes, in case he met someone else whilst we were still married) because he refused to come back home. Neither of us had moved on or got involved with anyone else. Three weeks ago, he told me that he has been seeing someone else since Sept. I am absolutely devastated. We have two children, she has three. Im in new territory now. He has already stopped taking my calls and wants me only to text him about the kids. Wot an idiot. I put it to him that if one ended up in hospital did he expect me to text or ring him. His answer was that they've never been in hospital so far! How long should I suggest he wait before introducing our kids to her. Should I get him to introduce me to her first? I don't no what to think and he is thinking with his groin at the moment!

I really wish you all well and thank you for your opinions. Im going now to bed as early school run tomorrow morning. I hope you all have really nice lifes and im sure everything will work out in the end.

She is the same age as me!

It took about five months to stop loving him, and years to stop the addiction to him, and I think the same could be said for him regarding his addiction to me, the split was very sudden and it was like the relationship turned from a calm one to a huge fight afterwards, it is sad! I am not in love with him anymore as you are, and I remember how painfull that was to want him to come back and be a family with the children and myself and for life to go back to how it was before, very painfull!

I think it would be a shame if you and your exh started to fight now, that is why I think if you could appeal to him when he next comes over, and make it about the kids again, as he is going to mess it up otherwise, if it an't broke why fix it, and it was working with you both parenting as you were until recently?

Unfortunately, things have regressed already. The two weeks before he told me about her, he was eating dinner with me and the kids twice a week, and then leaving my house with a full belly to go and shag her! I now feel used at having done half her job for her. I told him that he shouldnt have done that, he doesnt think he did anything wrong. Now we are barely talking! So he will never think that he has messed up. We're not young, we're in our 40s for gods sake. Anyway I wish you well and thanks for the chat! Goodnight.

As someone who has suffered from her exP returning to his exW a year after she divorced him, I think its only fair to put across the view of the new girlfriend. She's gotten involved with a divorced man, she hasn't broken up a marriage. There is no need to treat her with suspicion until and unless she does something to deserve it. If your exH is behaving like a twat, that's probably because he's a twat - no need to blame her. Her asking that he doesn't speak to you is probably more to do with the fact that she can sense that you've not done with each other properly ... because you've not.

Your behaviour isn't fair ... its not honest or decent. Either stick with your marriage, or let it go.

Sorry ... I don't mean to be unsupportive, but its not just your lives you're messing around with here, I'm afraid that its time to piss or get off the pot (apologies for the vulgarity - it was my grandmother's favourite saying) as far as your relationship with your exH is concerned.

Thanks for your view MidnightsChild. A frank discussion is what I was looking for. I need to see other views because I'm in new territory. I would love never to have to contact him ever again, but i have to because of our kids. She can have him but I just want him to stop messing about with the phone calls. I dont know if she put him up to the texts thing or not. There are many lives involved here. You werent treated right and it seems that both are ex's are d*s. How can my behaviour not be decent? Im not doing anything wrong here! The only conversations I have with him are re access to the children and such like, otherwise I dont contact him, if shes pissed off already about me still talking to him after only being with him for 2/3 months, how do I know she wont be manipulative with my kids?

you need to let it go

This is a man you loved/love and have said he is a good father. Why do you think he would suddenly change and be any different in a new relationship?

He may be distancing from you but nothing you have said has said he wants to distance himself from his children. You are looking for problems, you still love him, you have to move on

Having dinner with you and your children, then seeing his GF isn't a reason for you not to be talking.

I am an ex wife, and a girlfriend.

so I shall hopefully help with both sides.

from the EW POV - my XH & I split over 3 years ago - he was abusive & had an affair yada yada yada. the woman he was with in that instance caused an awful awful lot of trouble with us, awful lot - I hated her with a vengance & demanded that she was never to see my child, or indeed if she did I had to meet her first - XH then said well I want to meet your partners (fair point I might add in retrospect so be prepared for that one) my beef was she was a young girl who tbh was out for splitting up a marriage (rough time etc we were having it's all by the by now, and events that have unfolded after have proved she got exactly what she wants & has now moved onto one of XH's other friends. He on the other hand over the 18 months, and subsequent 2-3 months post her realised exactly what he had done, by at every opportunity putting her above our DS (who was 2 at the time). I had hatred towards her yes, but also towards him - he is a good dad when it suits him - it annoyed me so much that he prefered to be with the woman rather than his child - I would cry on mums shoulder asking her to tell me what was sooo bad with my child that he didn't want to know him - why he would rather be with her than his son, the list goes on. but I realised - and you prob will do and believe me it's a bloody hard pill to swallow but he is never going to be the father my son deserves all the time he puts someone else above his child. for me my son is first above work, bills DP etc etc everything my child is no 1. end of discussion.

that realisation was v v harsh but needed. I feel sad for DS that I choose a shite dad. Moving on thou, XH now has a new partner - she I suppose is pleasant enough - not met the girl, and tbh I have no desire to now - I have to trust that XH will keep DS safe when he sees her for the W.E. DS is of an age now (5 soon) that he can tell me if he likes someone or indeed if something is wrong. from this POV I monitor his behaviour v v v closely and tbh anything slightly suspect I am straight asking XH (in the way I would when we were married - ie to be abrupt with him gets him defensive, to enquire and suggest that it's not a problem etc gets me more answers). So far DS seems to like the girl - but he's more keen on talking to my mum about her not me - which is fine, he's talking to someone. from this POV i'd suggest if/when your kids do meet the lady then they have someone to talk to about her as they might not want to talk to you as might not want to upset you. My issue is with the GF's parents trying to take over and dictate to me how I should raise my son & take over with XH & the GF - XH has been told, that it's me & him who are parents the GF's parents are not to be involved until DS has developed a good relationship with the GF first. I hope they will do - i'd sooner DS be happy with his dad and GF than not tbh. this is something you will reconcile in time - but it will take a lot longer than 3 weeks - and tbh as I say 3 years and 2 girls later i'm reconciled with it.

from the GF's POV however (DP has a DSS) I get on well with DSS, and enjoy our time, I encourage XH to talk to DSS, & his ex), I don't like the way that sometimes from an outside POV, that DP's EW uses DP as a baby sitter when it suits her - something which considering how much effort he puts in I find heart breaking on his behalf - if he was a shite dad/not bothered etc then i'd have no prob in saying to him step up but he's not. so from that POV, it might not be the GF - I've only said once about this to DP, as tbh it's nothing to do with me, the only thing I ask is that everytime we have DSS and I'm around (as i'm not always - it's good they have 1 2 time) that the EW agrees for me to be there - so far she's been fine - and again if DSS wasn't happy then i'd not be about.

If your XH's GF has kids she should understand that it's about the kids - it's a fine balance yes but ultimately about the kids, you all need to work together, cos at the end of the day to fall out only stops the children. Grit your teeth - it is hard, very hard, it's not nice, and lord knows XH & I have out times still now, but mostly if the new GF can get XH to do more with DS then i'm all for it.

Trust me if you were to step back & allow the XH to have the children on his own fully without you about - would he be the same or would he not?

sorry it's so long, hopefully it helps? possibly not. who knows just rambling.

Confused, I'm sorry ... and I think that scaredoflove has expressed it better (and from a less personal perspective) than I have.

Can I suggest that she may not be pissed off about the contact between you two, she may instead be feeling vulnerable about the unresolved emotion that clearly exists between you. TBH, there is no point in her trying to manage the situation, if he wants to come back to you, he will ... but she probably has no idea what else can she do. Presumably she cares about him, may even love him, could regard him as her future. She may already know a fair bit about your children and be looking forward to develop a relationship with them, because they are the children of the man she (potentially) loves.

I know that you are wanting to protect your children, but as someone else said earlier in the thread, unfortunately there is little you can do to control the situation ... which must really suck. Although it may not seem like it, I really do feel for you and I hope that you find a way to move forward.

I really do sympathise with how hard this must be, but you really need to move on and let go of your marriage. There's a great book called the Ex Wife syndrome which really helped me. Basically, it talks about how the best way of dealing with an ex is to keep things business like - to talk about necessary financial or dc related matters.

It's great if you can stay friends - but if there's unresolved emotions going on, that's not healthy for any of you. Two years is a more than reasonable time for your XH to have left before meeting someone, the new GF hasn't done anything wrong by getting involved with a divorced man, and as such, there is really nothing you can do other than change the way you deal with it.

I really do feel for you, I utterly hate my dc's being with XH and OW but have never let him know that.

Your XH is not coming back. He is your XH and has been for some time. That he has been civil and amicable with you does not mean that he wants to be your partner again, and he has every right to engage in a relationship with someone else if he wants to.
I think he is possibly distancing himself from you to make it clear to you that he is not coming back and that he does not still love you in a romantic way.
YOu have no option but to accept this. He doesn;t sound like a bad man at all, just a man who is not your partner.

Thanks for all the straight talk girls. UptheDuff you have been incredibly helpful. I do get the message. As for StuffingGoldBrass you make it loud and clear . You dont have to emphasise everything in bold. I GET THE MESSAGE. You are obviously a girlfriend or upset at an ex-wife, but you're under attack towards me, and I'm hurting enough without getting slaughtered online OK! Yes the truth hurts and it will take time, and eventually I will see the light. You need to look at how you are wording things and say to yourself, if someone replied to me like that, how would I feel if I was asking for advice or feeling down. Im all in for peoples opinions but you're being really harsh! Hopefully, nothing like this will happen to you, or will it?

Hi, confused x

You will find that this site has people from all walks of life, who have had bad days, who are going through their own crap at the moment and who are from the otherside of the fence etc...

How are things going at the moment for you? It is not easy, you can't just turn off loving someone, what do you think you could do to help yourself keep busy for now?

COnfused: No, I am blissfully single and will remain so. However, I think it's a shame when people make themselves - and others - unnecessarily miserable by refusing to accept that a relationship is over.

COnfused - I don't think it's helpful for you or others hee to assuem its the new gf who's instigated the ban on talking. I see it as an attempt by your ex to put in place boundaries more appropriate for a split up couple than you've had previously. It's a bit clumsy yes, but he may be trying to tell you can no longer be an emotional and/or practical support for you, which is appropriate as you're no longer an item. This does not necessariliy imply he won't be a good father. And btw, why shouldn't he think with his groin? As long as when he's with his kids he's being a dad, he has a perfect right to an adult relationship.

confused - please be good to yourself, it gets easier honestly, it does - (as a mother now) it will become where you cherish the time you're left on your own, It's hard to think of the XH playing happy families with your kids & her, I won't lie - however, you sort of condition your mind to not thinking of it - after all you'd in some ways hope XH thinks the same with you & any partner you have? sometimes it's very very hard not to have double standards.

my only piece of advice is take your time, and the time he does have them make sure you're as busy as poss so as not to moap about it. My XH currently expects me to drop DS off to the GF's house on my way past on a holiday to the north - now that IS a step too far, but you'll get there. honestly, Promise.

also tbh, I left it open with DP to discuss with his ex if she wanted to meet me ahead of DSS - it's not been an issue, but sometimes I think it helps the mum if the GF understands and is working with not against so everyone understands it's about the kids. :)

I find this painful.

When I met dp, he was separated for a year and I had nothing to do with it; didn't know them. Yet I have been treated as if I broke up the marriage. My dc have suffered terribly from being treated as if their mother is a marriage breaking ho.

His (not even x, they are not divorced after 6 and a half years of separation) x insisted that I am not allowed to see their (now grown up) children, in case they are upset. I have also lost the chance to have our children, due to their insistence that we don't try to conceive until they get divorced.

SGB, as usual...

MummieHunnie, thanx for all support. Have now joined gym to take mind off things and also lost half stone in last 3 weeks, so back in old jeans, whoopee! Icelandic, I feel your pain, 6.5 years of separation is too long, they should have divorced, and after that length of time I would expect people to have moved on. When will they divorce, have they even considered it? Uptheduff thanx for help as well. Just talking to other mums is making this not seem so bad. I would love to forget about him but because I moved area for him I have no family or his family for support. Just me and him. Easier if he could pick up/drop off kids at mutual friends but not possible. There is no one else around that is why I suppose I found the situation so bad. My mums at school friends are great support but I wont drag them in to this.

While I do sympathize with you. Sounds like he is protecting his new relationship (which is fair enough) Because you love him I believe your simply finding it hard to let go! You should try! You should ONLY speak with him if its about your children, and respect his wishes enough that you send emails and texts only. My husband and his ex wife use text and emails and it doesn't effect anything. Let go dear!

She's had nearly 5 years to let go.

ZOMBIE THREAD.

As hard as it is to accept you have been the chief architect of your current pain and I think a significant part of the hurt, is the realisation that you let your love for your Ex, set you up for this fall. Accusing him of using you is disingenuous and unhelpful, you were both responsible for the blurred boundaries and not moving on was your choice and your responsibility.

It's not clear how his parenting has changed since his new relationship started, in practical terms how is he detaching from his children? I get the impression that you are confusing his sudden withdrawal from you, as detachment from his children. As hard as it is to accept, his detachment from you needed to happen sooner and even though it isn't what you want, I believe it is exactly what you need.

For the sake of your children, formalise contact by drawing up a Parenting Agreement. Parenting Agreements come in all shapes and sizes and you can be as formal or as informal, as you like. If you Ex really wants to minimise communication, it is best to agree on a communication protocol, where you can specify how and when you communicate.

Speculation of the new gf's involvement is a distraction, don't feed the green eyed monster under the guise of 'looking out for your kids'.

Shit! What is with all these zombie threads.

sadly such is life. He has moved on faster than you . It may not be her that is dictating re contact he may have thought that for himself. Its harder to accept that he may be the one but it hurts more to think that
My hubbys ex blamed me for all of their problems once we had gotten married. HE decided he did not want to be friends with her any more because of her behavior. I kept well out of it and even stopped being around when she came round with the kids as I did not like the way she spoke to my husband and at the end of the day it was nothing to do with me but I was vilified for this too.
Do as he wishes and only contact him re kids. Ring him if its urgent stuff what he says . Get yourself back out there and have some fun . Put your kids first even if they dont .I wish you all the best xx