Banning DP from birth? Wwyd?

[duke748]

Hi all.

My DP an I live about 2 hours away from each other and I am 37 weeks pregnant.

We were due to go to a birth preparation class today in my home town. The snow was making it look like he might not be able to make it safely. I don't want him to kill himself to get here! But yesterday the road and weather looked OK so we agreed it was 'back on'.

At the time he was meant to leave to come over he called and said he had a lot to do and wouldn't make it. The things he needs to do are things like
picking up dry cleaning. He has been working alot recently, but I am pretty sure he could have found time to do them otherwise. He said he could google how to be a good birth partner!

I am REALLY angry with him. We are having a home birth if all goes well and I was hoping he'd be my main emotional support. I was sexually abused as a child, so childbirth has extra worry for me in terms of loss of control etc.

I know he is an arse, wanker, whatever. I don't need you ladies to tell me that, believe me. What I want to know is what I can actually DO now.

I feel like I don't want him at the birth if he can't be bothered to spend time learning about how to support me. But is it an over-reaction to ban him from the birth?

Does his right to be at the birth of his son 'override' my desire for him not to be there during the actual labour part?

And if I do ban him, do I get a friend to be birth partner instead? Then I have to let them know how badly he has let me down. And to be honest i am embarrassed about how he has treated me and don't really want to tell people.

Do I go it alone? Hire a doula? Or another alternative?

Actually I don't know if he is an arse or wanker for missing the class

MY DH never attended them for either of our children and he was a fabulous birth partner

What you can and should do is make sure he is familiar with your birth plan so he can be your advocate during the labour - you can do this without a class

Has he really let you that badly down by missing one class that you are going to ban him or is there more toit?

You understand that the weeks before a birth can be very emotional so can see why you are cross BTW

It's not that your partner has a 'right' to be there IMO. Birth is 100% about the mother, right up until the point where the baby comes out. To have the best birth for you (and by default for the baby) you need to be as relaxed and happy as possible. If you really feel that he would not support you in the way that you need, then ask someone else to be your birth partner. On the other hand, your new birth partner may not be sufficiently 'trained' or experienced to be much better.

A doula would be a great idea either way, especially considering your background. I was also SA as a child and I completely understand what you are saying - I had a doula for DS2 and it was great. But you might struggle to find one at this late stage TBH.

He really doesn't need a class to help him be a good and supportive partner, for the birth or for anything else - he's either a decent partner or he's not.
I imagine if he was generally thoughtful and supportive, this wouldn't even be an issue - what's the real story behind this?

It is of course, more than that. In the last month he has cancelled 3 trips to see me. All at the last minute, all for reasons that I think arn't good enough.

The only time we have seen each other in the last month is when I went over to him and we stayed in a posh hotel.

I feel that he has made zero effort to support me in any way throughout the pregnancy. Although, of course he would disagree.

I have no family at all but lots of lovely friends. I feel very pregnant, very emotional and very vunerable.

I do tend to blow up with anger when he let's me down and am sure hormones arn't helping.

If he'd have said when it was booked 2 months ago he didn't think it was needed we could have discussed it. But to say yes he'd come (and let me pay 80 to book it) and then let me down at last minute for such a crap reason. Grr. I just feel like he is saying supporting me isn't as important as the dry cleaning!

I have to figure out if I am just trying to punish him when feeling emotional or whether in fact him being there would actually not add anything to experience for me and make it harder.

Hmmm - I would be pissed off then

Sounds like this is a bit of a final straw

I would ask a friend to be your birth partner or hire a doula

TBH, I would be thrilled and honoured if a friend asked me

I think he may let you down at the last minute so younwould do well to have someone on standby

If you live so far away from each other, what is going to happen after the baby is born? You will need plenty of help then too

My H left me whilst I was pregnant. I like you went through a similar thought process and I did go through a stage of thinking that he should be there as it was his right - plus he had told me he wanted to be there.. but a few very wise ladies - including my midwife reminded me that the birth is about YOU and YOUR BABY. You need to feel 100% supported and at ease with whoever is there at the birth - and frankly the last thing you need is someone who is not totally with you emotionally or physically. This is your choice and it's too important and let's face it difficult for there to be any compromise on your part if you are not happy. Make your choice for YOU and only let him be a part of this if YOU are happy with it. It is a huge privilege to be there at the birth of a child(something that he seems not to recognise) and your birth partner plays a very big part in being there for you.

For the record after agonizing about it (including thinking it might bring us closer together if he was there) for a few weeks I asked my 2 best friends to be my birth partners. I had my DS at home (he is now 5 months a treasure) with 2 midwives and my 2 friends as my birth partners. It was amazing and I felt way more supported and relaxed hat I would have done had I chosen to have him there. It was an incredible experience and one that I will always cherish.

My friends also feel that they have a very special connection with my DS too which I love. In fact I have said to quite a few pregnant friends since that if any of them have husbands that are happy to step aside at the birth then they could do a lot worse than to have 2 friends there - particularly if they have also been through childbirth.Good luck

He doesn't need to be at the classes to be a good birth partner. Lots of people don't bother with classes so thats not really an issue.

However, feeling generally let down and angry and being concerned that he won't support you in labour might be a good enough reason for him not to be at the birth and to draft in someone who you feel will do a better job.

He doesn't have any right to be there. The birth partner is for the mother, its not a meet and greet opportunity.

This man is your ex, is he? I gather the relationship is over if he lives 2 hours away and you have only seen eachother once the last month?

Do you have any other children?

But yes, hire a doula sounds like a good idea anyway. And if you do have a close friend you like present at the birth go for it.
It does not sound like this man will step up to the mark.

You need to have someone with you who you can trust 100% and that you don't have to worry about. I had DH there (home birth) and was also worried about loss of control.

In the run up to the birth, I kept checking with DH and explaining to him that I couldn't be worrying about him during labour etc. In the end it was fine, DH was amazing. I also had an independent midwife who I built up a relationship with beforehand.

It might be a good idea to have a friend - someone you can trust. Also have a think about the birth itself - I was told not to but I decided what room I'd have DS in beforehand so once labour started I made myself a cup of tea and set up my nest. I felt completely in control.

Speak to your DP and explain how you feel. You need to clear the air before the labour and make sure he understands exactly what you need from him.

Don't understand why you live 2hours away from each other, and find it very Suss that he's only seen you once in the past month,and that was in a hotel.

The facts above would bother me way more than a birthing class.

Sorry.

Thanks so much for your replies so far ladies.

After the birth is all up in air as well. I feel I have to 'negotiate' for every bit of help and support. He says he will come over when baby comes and will try to stay for a week, depending on work. We do the same job and i think he could take 2 weeks leave, which with Christmas and new year coming up would probably only mean taking a weekish worth of actual leave. But he won't do that.

Luckily I have lots of friends who have offered support, with two of them offering for me to stay with then for a few weeks if needed. I also have a post natal doula and cleaner on standby.

I am very grateful to have friends who care about me, but I feel it's really his job first and foremost.

We planned this baby and part of me thinks I should just accept the situation as I decided to have a baby with someone who is not physically present most of the time. But then, I also know I chose this relationship because I find it hard to be close to people due to previous sexual abuse. I keep all people at a distance. So I sometimes think I can't have it both ways. It just seemed a lit easier to be self contained and not needing help when I wasn't 37 weeks pregnant!!!

Labour is supposed to be easier if you are relaxed - which means someone you can trust there. A good birth partner is also your advocate, so that if you need to get your point across to the midwife etc, they will back you up - again, you need someone you can trust for this.

If I were you and could afford it, I'd go for the doula, I think.

And yes, he is meant to be my current partner, not my ex. People find it strange that we don't live together and don't intend to. That is honestly my choice, I don't ever want a full time relationship with a man. But neither if us are with other people!

I have been trying to give him benefit of the doubt as know alot of men spend time before birth working extra hours as they feel the financial responsibilty the
most. I, of course, would prefer emotional support!

From the way you describe your relationship ... He is not your partner.

You need to do whatever will make you feel secure and supported during the birth.

Unfortunately you can't have it both ways, I assume you chose this man to be the father of your baby because he doesn't want a traditional relationship or a strong emotional commitment? Well there you go, expecting him to be a doting partner now is a bit much imho.

A slight change to that... I chose him as my partner because it's non traditional and less scary than a 'proper' relationship.

I chose to have a baby.

If I could have I would have chose to be able to have a normal, fully involved relationship, both for my own and, particularly my baby's sake.

But I appreciate I am nit picking and it's a bit of a moot point now.

I guess I will just simply have to take whatever support he does offer and not rely on him. I think I have to muster up some more emotional reserves myself. The non pregnant me can deal with anything by myself, I just didn't bargain for the full force of these hormones making me feel quite so vunerable.

I think that you need to consider the very real possibility that, even if you decide he should be your birth partner, he might not make it. Either because he is simply too far away, or because something more important (dry cleaning FFS) crops up.

As the others have said, you need someone there who you can rely on to support you. Can you rely on him?

Perhaps you can keep open whether you want him there or not, but plan to have a friend or two there for sure. hen, if he bails or is useless, the plan hasn't changed and you'll be looked after.

I agree with malificence.

You have chosen a "part time" boyfriend, not a life partner. And he has most likely also chosen you because he does not want commitment and partnership, but a "fuck buddy" so you suited him. (excuse the phrase)

I dont think you can expect any thing else than life as a single mum with a man who now and then drops by for some company.

I'm puzzled. You are the one keeping the distance between you, yet now you complain he's not there when you want or need him to be? How does he feel about your relationship? Does he want more of a traditional relationship? Does he want full involvement (like full parenting) with his child? Have you talked about how it will be for you both and your child?

Are you saying that it has to be full on or fuck buddies?it can't be somewhere in the middle, as agreed by us? From where I am looking, he hadn't kept up to what he agreed. Just because it's not traditional, does that mean I have to settle for nothing? Maybe I am being naive?

He is happy with things as they are. He doesn't want to live together etc.

The thinking about parenting together is that he will come here every weekend. My thinking was it would be the same as a father who worked away during the week. We discussed this all before we decided to try for little one. Although recent events make me wonder if this is how it will be in reality.

Can it be something in the middle?

Have you ever had expectations of him before?

I have only 'needed' him once- when I had a car accident about 6 hours away from him - he came straight to the hospital and was fantastically supportive.

Other than that, I am pretty self sufficient and most of our relationship has been fun without much need for either of us to support each other. So I guess that side of thing hasn't been tested yet for us in our 3 years together.

duke - I was in a similar situation to you before I had my DD(3). Ended up just me and the midwife in hospital and, actually, it was wonderful as it felt like it was just me and DD and was very private. That aside, I think you really should try to determine how much help he will be after the baby is born. I get very little help from DD's father and I thought I would be ok with that. As it is, I'm not. I'm f*ing furious about it and so the relationship is limping to its inevitable end (if I saw him more often, it might even be finished properly). It's bloody hard work and when Daddy just shows up for all the good bits and fucks off for all the rest, it can become quite galling.

I'm not trying to worry you but I would advise you to get him to be very clear about how much he will be willing to help you.

Goshbthe setup is sounding way too flexible and loose (as in easy for one partner to misinterpret) . I would see him cancelling seeing you so often (once this month) and ducking out of the class as a big problem ie: him withdrawing from the relationship. I think you need to get together and talk a bit sharpish.