Banning DP from birth? Wwyd?

[duke748]

Hi all.

My DP an I live about 2 hours away from each other and I am 37 weeks pregnant.

We were due to go to a birth preparation class today in my home town. The snow was making it look like he might not be able to make it safely. I don't want him to kill himself to get here! But yesterday the road and weather looked OK so we agreed it was 'back on'.

At the time he was meant to leave to come over he called and said he had a lot to do and wouldn't make it. The things he needs to do are things like
picking up dry cleaning. He has been working alot recently, but I am pretty sure he could have found time to do them otherwise. He said he could google how to be a good birth partner!

I am REALLY angry with him. We are having a home birth if all goes well and I was hoping he'd be my main emotional support. I was sexually abused as a child, so childbirth has extra worry for me in terms of loss of control etc.

I know he is an arse, wanker, whatever. I don't need you ladies to tell me that, believe me. What I want to know is what I can actually DO now.

I feel like I don't want him at the birth if he can't be bothered to spend time learning about how to support me. But is it an over-reaction to ban him from the birth?

Does his right to be at the birth of his son 'override' my desire for him not to be there during the actual labour part?

And if I do ban him, do I get a friend to be birth partner instead? Then I have to let them know how badly he has let me down. And to be honest i am embarrassed about how he has treated me and don't really want to tell people.

Do I go it alone? Hire a doula? Or another alternative?

It's not "help" it's a fathers job to co parent. Using the word "help" implies it's solely your job! Which it isn't!!!

So I respect you decision to have a "part-time" partner. But presumably this means that he has signed up to be a part-time dad. I think this is going to be really tough and you need to clarify exactly what he thinks he has signed up for. No reason in principle it can't work as long as you both want the same thing.

And if he is not with you day to day ATM he prob has no idea of the emotions involved at this point of pregnancy. He prob has no idea if what support you need right now.

Duke748: I was in a very similar position to you and probably for very very similar reasons.

My DP was a an absolute a**e when I was pregant with both our DSs. Refused to come to any ante natal classes and only came to one scan (where he embarassed the hell out of me by being very rude to one of the nurses but that's another story).

However during both births he was fantastic and has been a fantastic Dad. He's very involved and really hands on. 12 years down the line he still lives an hour away (although bizarrely does work in my town!!!). He is probably here 4-5 nights out of 7 but to be honest I really look forward to the nights he's not here because I love to have my own space. I've come to realise I don't think I could live with someone full time ever. I work a very demanding job and I just need to have time to myself and recharge. He sometimes takes the boys to his overnight so i get a complete break. I love being on my own with my kids and we do things together as a family

It can work but you have to establish and accept what the ground rules are.

Yes, you need to have a think and a good talk with him about what you both want and how it's going to work. There is nothing wrong with the concept of having a part-time partner/co-parent, but you have to be able to be honest with each other and with yourselves.
Right now it sounds like you want more from this man than he is either prepared to offer, or more than what you initially agreed you would want. So if you are moving the goalposts that doesn't make him a Bad Person, it means you need to talk to him.

You do need to have a good talk, aside of anything it might be that you get to call the shots right now and ban him from the birth but you won't be able to ban him from his child if he doesn't dance to your tune.
Hopefully you can get this relationship back on track because many a self sufficient woman has found that another pair of hands is worth having around in the weeks that follow a new baby and there's no shame in admitting that.

Frankly my dear, you have a very strange relationship which is going to cause a number of problems. This is just the first.

To be honest neither of you sound like you're ready to be parents.

Rhinestone- your post is patronising 'my dear', unecessarily critical and not at all helpful.

To everyone else, especially those who have shared their own experiences, thank you very much.

I have got to take a deep breath, have another chat to him and find some stronger reserves for both myself and little one.

You asked for opinions and I gave you mine. And I think your bizarre arrangement with your part time DP is a car crash. You don't want to make the effort to hold down a normal, stable adult relationship yet you've decided to bring a new person in to the world - utterly irresponsible.

Although 'frankly my dear' was not intended to be patronizing - it's a famous quote from 'Gone With the Wind.'

I asked WWYD - what would you do? I didn't ask for comments on my relationship or ability to be a good parent.

Perhaps telling a heavily pregnant woman she is not ready to be a parent isn't the most helpful thing in the world. I didn't see any suggestions for actions to help me in your post, 'dear'.

Bit late to tell a 37 week pregnant person she's not ready to be a parent!! And is anyone ever really 'ready'?
duke my Dh is a great dad and was quite a good birth partner but when I was pg with dd1 he came to a one off antenatal morning, sat down for all of 5 minutes then made an excuse and left.

I was there by myself for the whole 4 hours! I was so cross. With the other dds he has missed scans because he 'couldn't park' (he drives for a living!). Generally not very good with the pregnancy thing really.

He is a great dad now they are here though.

For the births of dds 2 and 3 I also had my sister there who was an excellent birth partner. I would really recommend choosing someone who has given birth themselves if you can.
Anyway good luck with whatever you choose.

Duke- DH never went to any classes (but then nor did I) and he was a fantastic birth partner, he just seemed instinctively to know what to do. If you don't want your DP there at the birth, that's fair enough and it's your right, but please don't ban him as a "punishment" for not coming to your classes.

How many other relationships that you read about on these boards are "perfect"? Just because you have signed up to a "traditional" relationship (whatever that is) it doesn't mean that it is all going to end up as 2.2 children, a picket fence and roses around the door.

For instance I have friends who have gorgeous, handsome very rich lovely husbands who theoretically they have a "proper" relationship with BUT - they work all the hours under the sun, only see their children at weekends when they are exhausted. In reality their role is poles away from family life which they really just dip into every now and then.

OP please don't make an emotive decision like banning him from the birth at this stage - I presume that would be to "punish" him. Although he has disappointed you, try not to drive the wedge any further.

All those comments about your relationship are so hypocritical - how many other women post on these boards who are in worse situations - eg: pregnant with third child and husband just walked out; in an abusive relationship with children by a number of previous partners and no money etc, etc.

I admire people who have the guts to go against the flow and you have good reasons for finding it hard to trust men. It just sounds like you are pushing him away, which although understandable, I think will make things harder for you. He may be a fantastic father and in any case he always WILL be a father to your child so now is the time to work on that! I know that my partner felt very out of it when I was pregnant and giving birth, breast-feeding etc. He really didn't feel he had much of a role. In fact he missed one of the births and was away for a lot of the time. He is a FANTASTIC father by the way.

OK ladies. I am feeling a bit calmer now. Thanks so much to recent posters for sharing their experiences, I really appreciate it.

I need to figure out what to say to him.

I guess my points are:

it's not just about one class, but a general feeling of lack of support - how do I do this without it turning into a long moan about everything else?

we need to renegotiate what is/isn't expected in terms of support for me for birth, for me and little one immediately after birth and ongoing for little one. I have got to think of a good way of doing this without getting upset. I tend to hear 'I'll try, but' whereas I want to hear 'I will'.

Hmmph. It's so bloody hard isn't it?

DUke: If you are hearing 'I'll try, but' from him then you need to accept that he is not going to be that reliable and is not as keen on the whole business as you are. So you need to look for other sources of support both for the birth and for the future.
However, one possibility is that he is not in fact backing off but is (as some people are) actully quite stressed and scared at the prospect of the whole messy painful birth business. If he is phobic or squeamish, it's better that he skips the birth and is more help afterwards, you don't want to have to worry about someone else's feelings when you are in labour. Get a doula, your mum or a friend to support you for the birth and let the father come round later to see his newborn.

DP and I weren't together when we had ds. He attended one antenatal class - missed all the others because work got in the way. I wasn't impressed.

He wasn't meant to be my birth partner, but a few days before I went into labour the friend who was going to take the role bowed out as she was in the early stages of pregnancy and really suffering. So in the event, he had to. I had a emcs and as my arms weren't working (aneasthetist pumped up the epidural way too high!) he was the first person to hold ds.

I'm really glad he was there.

Be prepared for feeling a lot more resentment in the months and years to come. Looking after a baby is hard work and even if your dp does muck in, the fact you're not living together means he can't possibly do anything like his fair share. Not only that, but whilst he's flitting about being all footloose and fancy free, you'll be (or at least feel ) relatively housebound.

fwiw we did eventually move in together, after about two years (!). I know this isn't what you're planning but I'm glad we eventually did it.

I think that this is basically an ineherent risk of the type of relationship that you have (not a criticism by the way - just an observation). The boundaries, expectations etc seem a little blurry at the moment.

Maybe you need to simply address how you're feeling about this one issue with him. State your expectations and what you feel you need from him re the birth and ask if he is happy to meet them. If not, then I suppose there is another conversation for you to have.

I agree with others above who say that attending the classes isn't a pre-requisite to being a good birth partner. I went to as few as I could with DW because I didn't want to sit in a big room with lots of pregnant women and thweir partners and because of other issues I had around childbirth. Possibly the difference is that I explained my reasons early doors and asked if DW minded (she didn't) and I also did a lot of reading and learning so that I didn't feel badly prepared. Everything was fine and I was by all accounts a great DH at the birth! To be honest, I've never met a man who found that the classes were at all helpful when it came to the actual birth. On the QT, midwives were happy to acknowledge that as well!

You either want him there for his emotional support or not.