Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

found secret phone hidden by dh withincriminating messages

30 replies

scattermummy · 05/12/2010 10:35

On friday night i was putting clothes away in our bedroom and i had a sudden urge to look in inside pocket of a spare blazer in wardrobe,i dont know why i had this urge but i found a dismantled mobile phone.I instantly knew what the implications were and put it together and turned it on.predictably there was a list on messages all fron one number.I read the first two one said I hope you arent wasting your energy on her this weekend.I ran downstairs and dh was snoozing on sofa.I shouted what is this about?he jumped up with a look of utter terror and shock and snatched it off me.I said i was leaving and opened front door,Dh threw phone across road and over fence where there is a railway line.He admitted that it was a girl who worked on a stall in a shopping centre where he works in a branch of a building society .and it had been going on for a month.he said that they had not met socially yet but admitted that he had arranged to meet her next sat for a drink after his xmas office party.Dh and i have been together for 16 years ,married for 9 and have 4 dc,s.He has been the best husband in every way in this time.He got up in he night when they were babies,so i could sleep,he takes them away to give me a break,he does jobs for me in my shop on top of his job.He multitasks and is fantastic with the children.This is important that you know what type of person he is.He never goes out and is never late home so i do know that he has not been spending time with her ,apart from visits to her stall obviously.About 3 months ago we had a rough patch.I totally went off sex and rejected him frequently.We probably had sex once a year and i know he was upset about this.This was totally my fault but i diddnt know what to do about it.I found out he was looking at internet porn and i told him not too as kids use computer.He said he was sorry and promised not too,but said as his wife did not want to have sex with him he was tempted.I checked his mobile a few weeks later and found a sent message which was stating his name,age and where he lived.When i confronted him he told me that it was to a dating website and it was just for the thrill of it.we talked for ages and while i dont condone what he did,I did try and understand and tried really hard to regain my sex drive .I thought we had got through this rough patch and now this has happened.He is very sorry and said that he loves us and would be devastated if we split up.I love him too but dont know how to move forward.I was thinking of climbing over wall to try and find phone to read the rest of messages,especially the ones he sent to her.Not sure i want to know really.please help me

OP posts:

Mum2harryandben · 05/12/2010 10:38

Yes go and get the phone now! why did he throw it away? You looked in his jacket as like many women you knew!

VivaLeBeaver · 05/12/2010 10:39

I'm sorry this has happened. It does sound like apart from this one thing that you have a good, solid relationship. You say that you thought that you'd got through the rough patch - maybe he didn't feel the same? Would he go to couples counselling with you? This could help with communication and working out what you both want.

VivaLeBeaver · 05/12/2010 10:39

Don't get the phone if its on a railway line though!

Mum2harryandben · 05/12/2010 10:40

I have to say some of the descriptions of your dh do not bode well. Why do you think the sex in your relationship faltered?

Mum2harryandben · 05/12/2010 10:42

I agree don't put yourself at risk to get the phone!

Original poster

scattermummy · 05/12/2010 11:16

mum2harryandben can you please elaborate what you meas about yhe descriptions of dh not boding well.He has said he will do whatever it takes to make things better including couples counselling.

OP posts:

Mum2harryandben · 05/12/2010 11:27

snatched it off me.I said i was leaving and opened front door,Dh threw phone across road and over fence where there is a railway line

I found out he was looking at internet porn and i told him not too as kids use computer.He said he was sorry and promised not too,but said as his wife did not want to have sex with him he was tempted

.I checked his mobile a few weeks later and found a sent message which was stating his name,age and where he lived.When i confronted him he told me that it was to a dating website and it was just for the thrill of it.

Mum2harryandben · 05/12/2010 11:27

He sounds like he is taking responsibility now, I hope that councelling goes well for you x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/12/2010 11:28

So are you saying that you only read one of the messages? The one you saw is awful and suggests that they have both been vilifying you. He has clearly painted you to her as someone who isn't worth "wasting energy on." What a horrible thing for you to have to read, I am so sorry.

What you're also telling us is that this man used porn (until he got caught), signed up for a dating websites (until he got caught) and has now had an affair (until he got caught). So his response in recent times is to hide all his activities because he knows you've previously turned detective, checked his mobile and hence got a second one. His action in throwing the new mobile away is so that you couldn't see what else was on it.

This is a man who will only admit to what you can prove.

In the past, you have perhaps foolishly bargained away his behaviour by taking the blame for your lack of sex life. His response throughout, seems to have been "but you made me do it" and you have concurred.

So you ploughed efforts into restoring your relationship in the mistaken belief that this would prevent his porn use, dating site desires and infidelity. This is what I often call the "prevention myth" because as you have found, you could have been a cross between a porn star and mother earth and yet nothing can stop someone being unfaithful if that's what they want to do.

I sincerely hope you don't bargain this away again or accept any blame or fault for what have been his behaviour choices. It might interest you to know that later infidelity often starts with porn use and given the rubbish he told you about the dating site registration, I would think this is as simple as he has been looking for someone to act out the porn fantasies he has been engaging in for a long time. Unfortunately, he has clearly met a woman who was idiot enough to believe all his tales of woe about a neglectful wife, so much so that she has dehumanised you, as evidenced by the words in that text.

He is being no more honest with you now than he has been before, when he's been found out. I would hate being lied to, so I probably would go and find that phone, but I suspect he will have got to it first and in any case, he will just buy another one.

DuelingFanjo · 05/12/2010 11:30

It's not your fault.

If there was a sex issue then you should have talked about it as adults. He had a choice and he chose to have an affair.

Get the phone, keep the sim, read all the messages.

Hold him to counselling. make him contact the woman in front of you and tell her it's over. Make him booke the counselling.

Original poster

scattermummy · 05/12/2010 11:35

i will try and get the phone but dont know if possible due to a high fence and lots of snow

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 05/12/2010 11:41

I would do everything I could to get the phone. Are you sure too that he hasn't removed the Sim before throwing the phone away?

He is most probably lying to you about how far it has gone.

I 100% agree with WhenWillIFeelNormal.

CrazyChristmasLady · 05/12/2010 11:47

Sorry this has happened. Especially as it sounds like you had such a good relationship before.

FWIW, I understand a bit how you feel WRT blaming yourself. I have not been interested in sex for a long time and while I am 100% positive that DH hasn't cheated (he is either at work or with me) if he did, I would blame myself for it as the sex issue is my issue completely.

This does not make it your fault that he is cheating though. I don't buy the signing up for dating websites crap but men looking at porn isn't a big deal to me (I know I am in the minority here, but I really do have no issue with it). I would want to get the phone back and want to know why he was so desperate to get rid of it quickly. I do suspect there is more to this thing than meetings on a stall, particularly the way you were described in the text you read.

However, I see it as a good thing that he wants to go for couselling and try and work it out. It may be the wake up call he needed that makes him realise he could be about to lose everything through his stupidity. If you want to as well, then there is no reason why you both shouldn't try and work through this. I don't believe you should automatically end a relationship like yours because of something like this, if it is out of character for the other person.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and it is only your choice, don't let others push you into the whole 'he is a bastard, you must leave him' if you genuinely think there is something worth saving.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/12/2010 11:49

Yes, in your shoes I wouldn't believe for one minute that nothing has happened between them. I suspect he knew you would find incontrovertible evidence of that on the phone, which is why he was terrified and tried to destroy it. On the balance of probabilities, how likely is it that an OW would be rubbishing her lover's wife this much, if she hadn't slept with him or had physical contact? Don't let him take you for a fool for one minute longer. When he got away with the dating site registration and the hackneyed "I was only looking" defence, I imagine that contempt crept in and he still thinks you are gullible enough to believe any old crap.

overmydeadbody · 05/12/2010 12:11

You don't need the phone.

You just need to make a decision as to whether or not you want to stay with a man who lies to you and who you will never trust and always be suspicious that he is cheating on you.

overmydeadbody · 05/12/2010 12:12

and I agree completely with WhenwillIfeelnormal.

The text from her indicates that they are already sleeping together. His destroying of the phone also indicates there was more on there that he didn't want you to read.

LadyLapsang · 05/12/2010 12:15

I agree with WWIFN about your DH only admitting to things that he's been caught doing. The fact that all this is on a second, secret phone also suggests a fair amount of premeditation.

If I were you I would be really tempted to try and get hold of the phone if you can do that safely, but somehow if this is an option I think he may have beaten you to it.

On mumsnet I often think people are quick to judge and advise people to end their relationship, but in the case of your DH a certain pattern of behaviour is staring to emerge...not good, I think.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/12/2010 12:18

I agree with you totally overmydeadbody but I have learnt on here, that when a poster has been desperate to believe lies for such a long time, sometimes it's only when she gets concrete proof that it causes that decision to be made.

I wish it weren't so, because you are absolutely correct, in reality the OP has got all the evidence she needs in terms of her own lack of trust and if he manages to squirm out of this one, that trust won't come back. The poor OP will be signing up to a lifetime of hyper-vigilance and no doubt a period of jumping through every sexual hoop imaginable, because she has bought the prevention myth in every shade and colour.

Limara · 05/12/2010 12:26

All this behaviour is a symptom of a broken relationship me thinks. Your mojo went because of the rough patch ? What was that all about?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/12/2010 12:38

You see Limara this is what I fear a counsellor might say too. Which doesn't explain why the OP didn't use porn, sign up for dating sites or have an affair, or why the millions of people having trouble in their relationships resolve to deal with their issues together, instead of making the choices the OP's H exercised.

A common mistake is to assume that behaviour like this has a relational cause, when actually it is more to do with the individual choices and behaviour of one of the parties. The OP proves this too when she said that she had tried "really hard" to regain her sex drive and thought that they had "got through" the rough patch and yet - her H was still unfaithful.

Limara · 05/12/2010 12:55

ALWAYS takes two to tango. I thought op sounded a little desperate tbh.

Q.How can it be all her fault that her mojo went? Don't two people need to have sex?

Q.What was going on at the time that she went off sex with him?

From what I can sense and it's difficult to sense from a cyber forum but maybe;
his behaviour/attitude led to her not wanting sex with him and then her mojo went?

VagosaurusRex · 05/12/2010 13:27

I thought 'don't waste your energy on her' referred to the OW.

GypsyMoth · 05/12/2010 13:38

That's def referring to the wife

Horrible. But he is likely to move on to other women. Men like this do.

SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 15:04

Will show my arse if there isn't more to discover.

Sorry op

jabberwocky · 05/12/2010 15:45

I think it is great that he is willing to go for counselling. Finding the phone was a good thing for both of you in regard to getting things out into the open. Lack of sex affects different people different ways but still can have a devastating effect on a relationship imo and ime.

It does sound as though you have in the past had a very good relationship and there are many reasons to at least look into working things out. It may take him a VERY long time to regain your trust but if both of you are willing it can be done. He has to know that he will have to be completely open and transparent about everything he does and where he goes and that it is totally OK for you to check up on him for as long as it takes.

Good luck with everything.

Flip

1 2