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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

found secret phone hidden by dh withincriminating messages

30 replies

scattermummy · 05/12/2010 10:35

On friday night i was putting clothes away in our bedroom and i had a sudden urge to look in inside pocket of a spare blazer in wardrobe,i dont know why i had this urge but i found a dismantled mobile phone.I instantly knew what the implications were and put it together and turned it on.predictably there was a list on messages all fron one number.I read the first two one said I hope you arent wasting your energy on her this weekend.I ran downstairs and dh was snoozing on sofa.I shouted what is this about?he jumped up with a look of utter terror and shock and snatched it off me.I said i was leaving and opened front door,Dh threw phone across road and over fence where there is a railway line.He admitted that it was a girl who worked on a stall in a shopping centre where he works in a branch of a building society .and it had been going on for a month.he said that they had not met socially yet but admitted that he had arranged to meet her next sat for a drink after his xmas office party.Dh and i have been together for 16 years ,married for 9 and have 4 dc,s.He has been the best husband in every way in this time.He got up in he night when they were babies,so i could sleep,he takes them away to give me a break,he does jobs for me in my shop on top of his job.He multitasks and is fantastic with the children.This is important that you know what type of person he is.He never goes out and is never late home so i do know that he has not been spending time with her ,apart from visits to her stall obviously.About 3 months ago we had a rough patch.I totally went off sex and rejected him frequently.We probably had sex once a year and i know he was upset about this.This was totally my fault but i diddnt know what to do about it.I found out he was looking at internet porn and i told him not too as kids use computer.He said he was sorry and promised not too,but said as his wife did not want to have sex with him he was tempted.I checked his mobile a few weeks later and found a sent message which was stating his name,age and where he lived.When i confronted him he told me that it was to a dating website and it was just for the thrill of it.we talked for ages and while i dont condone what he did,I did try and understand and tried really hard to regain my sex drive .I thought we had got through this rough patch and now this has happened.He is very sorry and said that he loves us and would be devastated if we split up.I love him too but dont know how to move forward.I was thinking of climbing over wall to try and find phone to read the rest of messages,especially the ones he sent to her.Not sure i want to know really.please help me

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 05/12/2010 16:09

I've been re-reading your original post, OP and I also want to say, please don't assume that because your H is never late home and is always at work, that he hasn't been seeing this woman. He could have taken days off work without telling you (and her the same) and he could have left work early, so that he could meet her and yet still be home on time. I have known this to happen a lot.

Like others, I'm intrigued about this "rough patch" and also a timeline for all these events. You see, you've only got his word for it that this has been going on for a month. I've also lost count now of the amount of people I've come across after a discovered infidelity, who cite problems in the relationship before their spouse was unfaithful - and take the blame for causing those problems, especially if s/he has gone off sex.

At the very least, this has meant that the faithful partner ise discounting the friendship/mirroring stage that precedes every affair and also the pre-affair permission-giving stage. So the betrayed spouse sets the clock too late, to coincide with when the affair allegedly started. It then emerges that the reason the relationship hit the buffers was because of the distancing behaviour of the soon-to-be unfaithful party.

In plenty of other cases, it emerges that actually, the affair was going on for much longer than was admitted; years in some cases.

The end result is that a deceived spouse erroneously believes that their own behaviour was causative in an affair occurring, when it turns out that this was merely a response behaviour to their spouse, who had been trying to create a gap in the relationship to let the affair partner in.

In your case then, I wonder was this affair well underway 3 months ago - and that the friendship/mirroring stage and pre-affair build-up started long before that?

Try and establish the date he first saw and spoke to this woman and get your diary out and try to remember what your relationship was like before he even set eyes on her.

And tell us within this entire timeframe, when you first discovered the porn and the dating site registration.

I agree that it is worth pursuing why you went off sex and lost your mojo. Like others, I wonder whether this was a response behaviour to something that was happening with your H. I'd also be interested in your recollection of when your H asked for sex and you refused. If lots of these occasions were at times when he knew pretty well you would say "no", such as waking you up when he came to bed or wanting sex when a child could walk in at any moment, this is a lesser-known manipulative trick to set you up to fail.

Other "tricks" in this regard are if he ever used to ask for sex after a day devoid of non-sexual affection, general intemperate behaviour on his part and wanting to have sex with you seemed aberrant. If and when you said "no" which would be the most reasonable response in the world after a day like that, he might have sighed and huffed, but in reality he knew you would say no, but wanted you to take the blame for it.

atswimtwolengths · 05/12/2010 16:34

Agree absolutely with WWIFN.

Your body (or mine anyway) knows long before your mind does that it's involved with someone who is deceitful. I could date every one of my ex husband's affairs down to almost the day they started, though I actually believed him when he stated they'd started much later. It was only afterwards that I would think back (awful task, because your history is not your history as you know it) and realise the start of the affairs/interest.

Bigregrets · 05/12/2010 17:33

As once being the OW, I have to agree with WWIFN and say that just because you can vouich for him at work and never going out doesn't mean he is telling the truth. Me and OM used to see each other when our H & W were at work and they thought we were at home. Or after work - he said working till 6pm when scoped off early at 2pm and met me - sorry, hope that doesn't sound harsh but i wouldn't believe that - unfortunately and regrettably, I speak from experience. Also one thing we never did was slag each other's partner off. Weirdly enough we actually paid an interest in them asking how they were etc - fucked up, i know but i never said a bad word about her or allowed him to either and vice versa.

macdoodle · 05/12/2010 18:03

well thats ok then as long as you didnt slag her off and asked how she was whilst shagging her husband Hmm

Bigregrets · 05/12/2010 18:18

Macdoodle - i am not saying that it is acceptable - far from it. I know what i have done is wrong and not looking for or wanting sympathy. I fucked up big time and am now dealing with the consequences - i made my bed and now need to lie in it.
Just putting a point across from someone who WAS the OW.

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