Trying to fix our sex life is like pulling teeth

[chamenange]

Stress + 2 small children + various other things and our sex life dwindled to nothing about 5 years ago.

We are both severely lacking in confidence sexually, and not particularly compatible.

So, we pottered along just not having sex at all. After a while I stopped wanting it altogether. Outside of sex we have a pretty strong marriage, we like and love each other, we adore our children, we want much the same from life and make a good team.

Then we agreed to try for a 3rd baby. Bit awkward, trying to have sex with someone you have been living with platonically for years. There always seemed to be a reason why we couldn't do the deed. Excuses excuses. Then we had a long chat, agreed that we needed to work on things and that if we were going to have this baby we needed to go for it.

We tried. Dh completely failed to get aroused. It made me realise that we had a problem rather than just having let things slide.

We had massive conversations about everything, we both had separate counsilling sessions, we were honest about everything, sometimes painfully so. There was tears, shouting, talking, long letters explaining.

We came to a point where we both agreed that we didn't want our marriage to end over this, and we would try, take things slowly, 'rediscover' each other with no pressure to go all the way.

But it just hasn't happened.

We are so awkward and embarrassed.

Every tiny step has been me. If I never whispered a word on the subject again dh would never ever ever ever bring it up.

We STILL haven't actually had sex. It has been months since we first spoke about it. We did have one rather awkward session, all insigated by me, which I don't think dh enjoyed much.

One thing he said months ago was that he feels unsexy because he has put on weight, and that he wanted to get fitter. He has taken up swimming every morning, and I am very encouraging and supportive. I also told him he is attractive to me.

But I am now screaming inside my head "FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU HAVE BEEN GOING FOR A LITTLE SWIM EVERY MORNING FOR 6 WEEKS NOW AND WE STILL HAVEN'T FUCKING HAD SEX".

I have asked him to go for a medical check-up. He sort of agrees but then doesn't.

I end up feeling so resentful. This is partly fueled by my very powerful aching for another baby, but I am very aware of this and try to keep it in check.

I feel like I have the only man in the world who never wants sex. I am not unattractive. I am loving, I am a nice person. I am not overweight. I don't have BO or 3 noses. Why is this such a big deal.

He is like a Harry Enfield character. All "oh gosh, oh dear, goodness, jolly jolly embarrassing, shall I make you a cup of tea dear?"

Last night I snuggled in to him, we chatted a bit about our lovely weekend, I kissed him a bit and stroked him, and asked him if he wanted to, y'know...

He reached into his pants and said "oh, well I'm not aroused I'm afraid"

FFS throw me a bone here. Could he not have said "oh there's an idea!" and started kissing me back?? Apparently not.

I ask you, HOW am I supposed to get anything remotely resembling a sex life out of this?

I could easily fancy him and enjoy having sex with him, but I find his manner, the things he says and his attitude to me and sex completely sexless and about as erotic as a dishcloth. He doesn't mean to be like this. He says he wants to revive our sex life. He just has no idea. It is like trying to get amorous with an embarrassed dead fish.

I think his first choice would be for no one to ever mention sex again, but he loves me and will work on things so I don't leave him.

I said lightly "oh well, another night then, kissed him and rolled over".

I could have said "well I'm sure we can do something about that" and upped it a notch, but (a) even a blow job isn't necessarily going to work, and (b) I need some encouragement. This is really hard for me too. It probably seems like a small thing, but my overtures last night took a lot of courage. And I got knocked back again.

It's like pulling teeth.

If I never say a word about sex again we will live for the rest of our lives never having sex again.

Every every sympathy for you...I don't really know what to say. It sounds as if you have tried everything. We have had our own deserts in the past which have gone on years and they're still not resolved. I am sure someone else will be along soon with good advice.

How about a weekend away together? Can you leave the kids with someone for a couple of nights? Give you time away from playing mum and dad and focus on being a couple. Does he have the same desire for a third child as you do? I have to admire you tbh, I had a baby six months ago, and whilst physically fine, psychologically the thought fills me with dread! Or if you can't get away, put the kids to bed and maybe watch an adult film together, that will surely get him going!

Gosh, it sounds like there is so much pressure on you both to 'have sex' that all the sexiness has gone out of it.

I don't think you should be trying for a baby when you don't even have sex for pleasure any more.

What do you both do to relieve yourselves? Do you masturbate? Does hi? Could you use this as a starting point?

Have you tried increasing intimacy without it necessarily leading to sex? For example, if you both agreed to holding hands and cuddling but going to further. Do that for a week or so, then introduce kissing. Again on the understanding that it goes no further. You gradually add in more touching but always with limits set so that the pressure is off your DH. Maybe you can reach a point where you can touch each other sexually and that might rekindle your sex life?

I really feel for you by the way.

What was your sex life like before it all stopped? Did he always seem to struggle with it?

Will he go to see his Gp?could it be impotence? Is he too embarrassed to get help?

You say you've had counselling individually but have you tried Relate sex therapy? It might be worth looking in to and has a very high success rate.

Oh thank you for ploughing through all that and replying.

Lucyloo - if I suggested watching an adult film he would be horrified. He is (or was) happy to "make love" in a looong, sloooow, boooooring way, gazing lovingly into each others eyes. Anything remotely other I have suggested has been met with startled huffing. He thinks the idea of shagging on the sofa is deviant. I even had to gently talk him into trying sex in the morning instead of at night

OMD - yes, all sexiness long gone. It's just so embarrassing now. Lying there side by side, expected to fiddle with each other for pleasure and neither of us wanting to. We both masturbate occasionally, not together though. My sex drive took a nose dive after ds2 was born but is coming back now.

Mummydoit - yes, I think that is a good idea. That is what we sort of agreed to do, but when it comes to it we're tired, or busy, or out. Also, if we do that it would be ALL me instigating it. At this point I really, really need a sign from him that he is wanting to fix things too. I need him to instigate SOMETHING. Do you think I can tell him that? How?

Words from him aren't enough any more. It doesn't help that we only have 2 nights a week together at the moment as he is working away, and has been for 4 months now.

Sex-life pre-drought was okaaaay. We both like each other very much, and that helps. He has always found it a bit embarrassing though.

We would both leap at Relate sex therapy, but unfortunately live in a country where nothing like that is available.

What do you think has reawakened your sex drive / need for another child suddenly?

Stopping breast feeding. And emerging from the hellish tunnel of a rather difficult and never sleeping 2nd child. And starting to think about age gaps.

It sounds like you need to put a third child on the back burner for a while. And you need to make that clear to him. Is it possible that he doesn't really desire more children, could there be something during your pregnancy or birth which he's afraid of? I agree that the baby thing is a huge pressure on you both. Whatever else you do I'd suggest you openly agree not to revisit the subject for, say, 6 months.

Mal will doubtless appear soon with some sound advice on retrieving sex. My best guess would be to get filthy on his ass and not to allow yourself to be dissuaded by his state of arousal or otherwise. Eventually he might realise it's ok to let go a bit. But there surely must be more going on here than being out of practice.

Do you mean not mention sex for 6 months, or not mention another baby for 3 months?

I see what you're saying about forgetting the 3rd child, but the thing is if I wait until dh is completely happy to have another child it will never happen. This is a man who would umm and ahh for years about whether to recover the sofa. He does not deal well with decisions or change, and he knows this. At the same time he is a great dad, a good husband, and we are a strong family unit. Now is a good time to have another baby. I don't want to risk never having another baby because I am waiting for him, and then resenting him for it.

In a slightly wrong way, if we could just manage one shag I'd probably get pregnant and we could go back to happily ignoring sex for another couple of years. Or if I didn't get pregnant at least it would break the ice. Surely the second one would be easier.

Do you mean not mention sex for 6 months, or not mention another baby for 6 months?

Sorry, I meant the baby.

chamenange - Me again. I have been thinking about you, and I think there are two things here - first, another baby, and it doesn't sound as if your DH is that keen for a third baby anyway. Secondly, your sex life - and I think this requires immediate professional attention. I think you have done absolutely everything as diplomatically and thoroughly as you can to get this kick started, but I think you need outside help. As you are not anywhere accessible to sex therapists, maybe you have got to explore this on the internet. I hope someone will be along soon to point you in the right direction.
As I said before, I have been through years of droughts on the sex front with my DH. We have not got it completely sorted yet ...and it is not an easy subject to broach. (If we didn;t have children I would have walked by now.)
I think you must establish that you have a RIGHT to have sex with your DH. It doesn't sound as if he takes your sexual needs that seriously, and as long as you are married you are relying on him to meet them. It can feel a terrible trap to be in.
I think you have got to the stage where you have been understanding enough, and now is the time to force the issue.

Very very good luck.

Chamey - if you think your marriage can survive without sex in future, and you want to stay with your dh (from your posts I glean that you do, and I think you are only bothered because you are ttc at the moment) then do remember that you can d.i.y. artificial insemination.

I did this with my dh (and a turkey baster) and it worked first time. And I was 40 years old at the time.

Just a thought.

I feel sorry for both of you as this must be so hard. DH says no to me a lot. I rarely do to him and tbh have not been very fair about it and have got a bit stroppy. I decided never to mention it but then that runs the risk of going ages without it. However he did surprise me today and it was really good .

I think your best bet is to talk to him over dinner. Tell him how much you love/fancy/like him and that you want to get your physical relationship back on track. You could each agree to what you want to try and what you are not ready for. Have date nights. Plan it for a night and spend the day texting loving messages.

Also a check up at the GP might not be a bad idea. As is putting the new baby off for a while.

I wish you both luck.

Oh hey, we are in the very same boat! I hate this, ugh. WE haven't had sex for a year, but I'm thinkiing about it again, but not sure bc of episiotomy and really no fun arousing embarrassed dead fsh with no gallantry whatever. My consolation so far: 8 loving actions by Susan Page.
Also, DH has low Testosterone, and yours, I'm sure, has too. They just don't feel like it. I don't think there is anything you can do about it. Have grwon fed up and fatalistic. Ups, beloved dh comes over, so better stop...do let me know if you find magical wundercure!

OP,I really feel for you although I must admit I struggle to be able to imagine or understand your situation.

When you went for all that time without sex, was it NEVER mentioned?What about when you decided to ttc?did sex, or the fact that you would have to start doing it get mentioned?

I'm not sure that you should try a baby when all intimacy has gone. Unless you are happy to have functional sex and then go. Back to no sex after.

You say you both masturbate sometimes, does he tell you that he does?have you asked those times he does feel horny why he doesn't use that as an opportunity to go to you?

I hope you both get the help you need.I think its so sad that someone can be in a happy maariage, so to speak, with no intimacy.

Only read the OP but I find this incredibly sad :( I really don't know how you go on, especially with the rejection when you do try to start something up.

I really couldn't live tlike that, I know sex is not everything and we have 3 kids under 6 ourselves (and am pregnant) and months can pass by without us having sex but we we do its not sex its a reconnection, as lame as that sounds. Its us confirming our love and desire for each other.

TI can't imagine my DH not wanting that connection with me.

TBH I think the fact you have told him 'you won't split over this' has given him a green card to go back to how it was.

If I were you I would tell him you WILL split if he doesn't at least make SOME effort to try and sort this out.

Genuinly don't understand how a ,mmarried couple with 2 DC can feel awkward around each other sexually :(

He does need his hormones checked. Low testosterone very likely, and could be caused by excessively high prolactin. This is not rare, and easily treated...

Would make huge difference to his libido if this is the case...

I also don't see how a married couple can get to the stage where they feel awkward around each other.If anything, I think you get to feel more comfortable sexually.
I agree, I would say that unless he addresses the problem a split WOULD be on the cards.

I do wonder though, if theOP is only bothered because she wants a baby.

I think you need to get used to physical but non-sexual intimacy for starters - hand holding, hugs, cuddles in bed. That's the first step. Try to do it every day before you do anything else?

You often hear women say that they don't fancy sex because they feel their DH wants sex rather than actually wanting them IYSWIM. I expect it's hard for your DH to feel that you want a baby rather than wanting him?

You say that you had agreed to 'rediscover' each other. Did you have a plan for how you would do this, or were you just feeling your way (if that's not an inappropriate phrase).

I would suggest keeping sexual intercourse off the agenda (to keep the pressure off both of you). I appreciate that this scuppers your plans for a baby at the moment, but if you can, try and keep this seperate.

Then I'd suggest that you both work on 4 areas of your life:

1. communication and your joint relationship - e.g. just enjoying life together, going for a walk and holding hands, talking about something that you are both interested in (cooking, gardening, politics, anything) - the things thata together make you a good team.
2. each of you seperately exploring your sexuality. what turns you on, what makes you feel sexy? - you say your dh has already spoken about his weight and is starting to adress that - anything else?
3. developing greater sexual intimacy together - become comfortable with sharing information about sex - what is it about the other person that turns you on, what was the best sexual experience you had together. The aim should be to eventually learn to be moe comfortable with speaking about these things. I see you have used 'letter writing' in your counselling, could you do this for sexual intimacy - if you are uncomfortable talking about sex could you write about it more easily?
4. developing greater physical intimacy (not sexual). setting time aside to understand what you each like / don't like about touch - learn to give each other a head massage, a hand massage, a foot massage. Try experimenting with textures, ice, feathers - talk about what each of you like.

Explore each of the areas above seperately, so in the first instance try not to overlap physical intimacy with any discussions about sexual intimacy. And keep it all away from any programmed approach. Some therapuetic techniques would suggest a step-wise approach (start with touching hands/shoulders, then 2 weeks later touch breasts etc, then 2 weeks later tocu genital area...). From what you've said, this approach would only add pressure to your current situation, so I'd suggest focusing on becoming more comfortable with intimacy without the pressure of it leading to sex.

I would also say that developing greater physical intimacy and greater comfort with sexuality is likely to give you both a pretty clear idea of whether arousal is just not happening, in which case a trip to the GP would seem the best approach.

Fab advice Venus.