No effort for birthday, no effort in day to day life

[overit]

I posted in September when I had busted my husband sending inappropriate flirty cr*p messages to his ex fiancee who he hadn't seen for 20 years.
We have been going to counselling since then, though he still does not think he has done anything wrong or disloyal.
Counselling has also raised my sadness at his lack of affection, lack of concern or thoughtfulness to me or in fact anyone else and the fact that I do and plan everything in our lives.
Things have been OK on a day to day basis, and we have just had a nice holiday, we have had no fights etc etc, so all has been good.
He got me no card on our anniversary in August, nothing, and it was in fact the same week that the emails were happening.
It was my birthday on Thursday. He went out early and came back from the supermarket with a card and a bunch of flowers. The card said how much he loved me.
He left the card on the table downstairs, didn't actually give it to me.
He did not get me one present that was wrapped. I got through the day, then on Friday broke down and said how upset I was that we are living away from family and friends, and on my birthday I didn't have one single little present to unwrap to mark that it was my birthday. He replied he had no money, (this is total bullshit), no time (yes, he has busy job) but it's not like the date changes every year and he travels constantly.
I am not high maintenance - a frame with a photo of the baby, a book, whatever - just something to mark the day and that someone actually recognised my birthday.
I seriously just need to know if I am majorly overreacting, he hasn't raised it since I got upset, and neither have I, but basically if he can't be affectionate, giving on my birthday, I really don't want to put up with his fuckwittery for the other 364 days of the year.
If I leave after this, which I am seriously contemplating, it will be made into me being a needy cow who chucked a strop because she didn't get a birthday pressie.
Am I overreacting?

You're not overreacting. Your marriage sounds sad and empty and full of mistrust, resentment and a lack of love. Does your husband want to remain married? Do you?
Birthdays can sometimes be catalysts for change or looking at things with clearer vision.

I think it comes back to the fact that he does nothing of his own accord and he is subconsciously pushing me into leaving and making that decision. When I raise these types of ideas he's flies of the handle and says that I always jump to the worst conclusion and that I am the one who obviously wants to leave.
No, I don't want to remain married if this is what my marriage amounts to.

It isn't really about the birthday though is it? It is everything mounting up. This is just an example (which could be construed as a shallow without whole story) of how your marriage is hollow and unaffectionate. It has highlighted your feeling of loneliness. Poor you.

I'm sorry but he is actually telling you quite clearly that he doesn't care about you or the marriage. You have the choice of deciding whether what he is offering is enough or ending it.
He is not going to change. What do you want?

I am sorry. My soon to be XDH could be your husband's twin. Living with this level of indifference within a marriage is horrendous.

FlamingPants - yes, exactly - without the whole story - of which the above is the very very tip of the iceberg, I sound like a superficial hag and I know this is how it will be put out to every if I leave. I don't actually care - my good friends, family even his family know the truth.
I am just going to hold it in until counselling tomorrow night.

overit aren't you the poster whose MIL intervened and told you that you were being silly for being angry about the messages her son was sending to his ex?

If so, you are saying that he still doesn't agree that this was inappropriate? What on earth has the counsellor made of this then?

I think this is at the heart of your problem. This man is seriously under-invested in your relationship, so much so, that he can't even be bothered to show he cares.

At counselling, I would have at the top of the agenda when and why he started under-investing in your relationship. Actions speak louder than words, you see. If the counsellor hasn't spotted this under-investment by now, then it might be time to find a new one.

WWIFN, good memory - yep, that's my tale of woe you are recalling.

Don't worry, the counsellor is more than aware that the only person in my husband's world is himself.

Thank you - I will take on your idea tomorrow night.

I think you should leave. Marriage is not supposed to be like this. Don't waste your life with a man who doesn't care about you.

overit - I can top that. DH hasn't given me a birthday card/present/christmas present/anniversary card/present for ten years.

Told me not to be so immature/romantic etc. expecting my birthday etc to be recognised.

Oh, and that I am needy and high maintenance.

What jumpy said.

Really sad for you. Have you got supportive friends/ family if you decided to leave?

Yes, total indifference.

Believeyourtruth - ouch! Was he ever different though?

Told me that birthdays are just for children, not grown-up women.

All part of undermining someone, making them feel they don't matter, I suppose, lowering their self-esteem......

Thatlldopig, I've got no family here, but a couple of really close friends, I will be OK, thanks. Am a bit daunted about logistics of it all, but basically, he can be the one who physically leaves, not me. His body will just be joining his head and heart wherever they have gone to be cryovacced for last few years.
Great user name BTW Babe!

It was very effective.

Oh, and every wedding anniversary was 'just another day'.

believe, are you usually under a different name on here? You need to get out of your situation. I feel so sad for you.

overit, I know how you feel too. My crunch point was a couple of years back when XH announced he'd decided not to give me anything that year for Xmas, despite the fact we were having issues, he knew how much it would mean to me, and that I'd bought loads for him and his family. Nothing could have more clearly spelled out how little he cared about me. We limped along another few months and eventually I couldn't take it any more.

Am now in a totally different relationship. DP is so excited about giving me the presents he's been carefully choosing for months. Don't settle for these horrible, half-measures relationships, they are soul destroying and I still struggle to come to terms with it all now.

Thank you snowpoint. I think this has been the last straw, and your post has given me hope.

Oh definitely have hope, overit. I don't think most men are like yours and my ex at all, DP seems saintly in comparison!

It's often a seemingly small thing that tips the balance. I could never go back to that, it was like living in a permanent grey cloud. Far better to get out before it completely erodes your self esteem.

I had no family nearby either, it was tough but friends were great, and the relief of being out of it all carried me forwards for months. You will be fine.

Thanks! I know, when I think about it I feel more relief than anything else - I think that's a pretty big sign!
Off now, so thank you everyone.
Believeyourtruth, I truly hope you get what you need as well, feel very sad for you.

Men are generally not very good at choosing gifts and wrapping presents, so I would let him off the hook over that.

The messages to the ex, on the other hand...

overit - how long have you been with your partner? Has he always been the same?