No effort for birthday, no effort in day to day life

[overit]

I posted in September when I had busted my husband sending inappropriate flirty cr*p messages to his ex fiancee who he hadn't seen for 20 years.
We have been going to counselling since then, though he still does not think he has done anything wrong or disloyal.
Counselling has also raised my sadness at his lack of affection, lack of concern or thoughtfulness to me or in fact anyone else and the fact that I do and plan everything in our lives.
Things have been OK on a day to day basis, and we have just had a nice holiday, we have had no fights etc etc, so all has been good.
He got me no card on our anniversary in August, nothing, and it was in fact the same week that the emails were happening.
It was my birthday on Thursday. He went out early and came back from the supermarket with a card and a bunch of flowers. The card said how much he loved me.
He left the card on the table downstairs, didn't actually give it to me.
He did not get me one present that was wrapped. I got through the day, then on Friday broke down and said how upset I was that we are living away from family and friends, and on my birthday I didn't have one single little present to unwrap to mark that it was my birthday. He replied he had no money, (this is total bullshit), no time (yes, he has busy job) but it's not like the date changes every year and he travels constantly.
I am not high maintenance - a frame with a photo of the baby, a book, whatever - just something to mark the day and that someone actually recognised my birthday.
I seriously just need to know if I am majorly overreacting, he hasn't raised it since I got upset, and neither have I, but basically if he can't be affectionate, giving on my birthday, I really don't want to put up with his fuckwittery for the other 364 days of the year.
If I leave after this, which I am seriously contemplating, it will be made into me being a needy cow who chucked a strop because she didn't get a birthday pressie.
Am I overreacting?

Maybe he forgot? Maybe he didn't give it to you because he was ashamed he forgot? Why don't you just work out a system? My girlfriend and I just flat-out tell each other what we want for b'days and xmas.

She started it, mostly because she couldn't think of anything to buy me in her budget (i have expensive tastes).

Fair enough if he forgot. Not my experience, though.

From what you have said below he doesn't sound so awful and you have a baby (I think?) - isn't the relationship worth working on for that alone? Men can be terrible when it comes to things like birthdays - and at least he did get you a card saying he loves you, perhaps he thought he was trying. I actually hate women who think the size/cost of their gift(s) reflect the love their dh has for them. Sometimes it's the opposite.

Is the counselling not helping at all? Can you try a different counsellor?

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour but I think you might be a bit hasty in leaving tbh. On the other hand, it's very hard to judge from just a few posts and only you can make the final decision.

Good luck with what you finally decide to do.

Men are not stupid, thoughtless or rubbish at buying gifts. This is not about men in general and it is insulting to an entire gender to pursue a "men will be men, what can you do?" line.

This isn't about gifts, it's about effort and investment in a relationship, by this particular man.

Well said When, i get so sick of people excusing bad behaviour simply because 'well he's a man isn't he?' not all men are like that and you shouldn't put up with the total disregard he shows for you and your feelings.

Alot of men are quite capable of remembering dates such as birthdays, anniversaries etc... The entire male gender is not afflicted with 'oh dear, I'm just a silly man and I can't ever remember such difficult things'.

A lot of men are incredibly romantic, and when in love make an awful lot of effort to bring special gifts to their loved one.

I think this relationship is soul destroying op. I hope you get strength from somewhere to stand up and be counted.x

Hello OP

I feel for you. This is not what a good relationship is like, but not enough has specifically gone wrong for you to call it a day.

I am in the proces of divorcing, and one of the scariest things I have discovered since my h left (after his affair discovered), is that life is not very different. I see now how alone and unsupported emotionally I was. I just didn't see it before through the fog of everyday life.

I hope you find a way of seeing clearly what you are getting out of the relationship, and a way of getting what you need from him.

Hold on - you would throw away a relationship because someone hasn't bought you a present? Ok I realise this isn't what it's all about but really, with a small child involved, it's time to take a step back and work out whether it's really worth it.

I'm not saying he's great or it's great (and yes I'm sorry but men usually are worse at remembering these things than women; one of the problems we have is that we expect the other sex to be like us and well, they ain't) but I am gob smacked at the amount of people jumping in and telling OP to leave him on the basis of this post.

Er if you are truly baffled Stranded, then I think this should kind of cover it

"Men are not stupid, thoughtless or ru
bbish at buying gifts. This is not about men in general and it is insulting to an entire gender to pursue a "men will be men, what can you do?" line.

This isn't about gifts, it's about effort and investment in a relationship, by this particular man." by WhenwillIfeelnormal

There are also pointers to a glum back story if you have another look at the thread.

I think most people would be somehwat insulted if they were told they were shallow for wanting a present, and had to suck it up for the sake of the kids, when there is clearly a whole lot more to it.

Yes pointers to a glum back story - fine, but saying I'm going to leave my husband because he only gets me flowers and a card (which tells me how much he loves me) for my birthday...well really!

And "glum" - is that enough to leave someone over?

The inappropriate texts to an ex are reson enough to leave IMO

Added to the 'cant be arsed' attitude doesn't spell a healthy relationship.

'Counselling has also raised my sadness at his lack of affection, lack of concern or thoughtfulness to me or in fact anyone else and the fact that I do and plan everything in our lives'

It's a general malaise. A feeling of being taken for granted, I think.

I don't think this is cause to leave a dh at all, but it is a reason for the OP to sort out what she needs and deserves from her relationship.

The lack of thoughtfulness/gifts is a symptom, not the problem itself.

helicopterview - you say it all much better than me, I agree with you.

The present thing is about feeling that you are cared for. My DP and I don't spend loads on presents but he goes to the trouble to look for something quirky, maybe online and order it in advance, something that means something to me, and he wraps it up. Or he will note something I have said I like and get that. And this is a man who is crap at organising things and is very forgetful, but when he wants to get his arse in gear, he can.

The OP even went to the trouble to point out that if she left, it would be made out to be a shallow strop over a present when it is not that.

I can see maybe this man should be given a chance, but he needs to understand he's making her miserable.

Strandedatseasonsgreetings - 'Hold on - you would throw away a relationship because someone hasn't bought you a present? Ok I realise this isn't what it's all about but really, with a small child involved, it's time to take a step back and work out whether it's really worth it.'. No, I am not throwing away a relationship over a present. As I posted and also told my husband, I would have been happy with a homemade present - whatever - something to show he recognised the day. He was just 'lucky' that the shop happened to be open and he made the ultimate sacrifice of getting out of bed to get milk, otherwise I know I would have got nothing.
What I am doing is making a conscious decision to go through life treated with respect and love by those that I respect and love.
Of course I have considered our children in this, to the point of wondering when my husband will ignore their birthday as well! I do not want my children growing up and using our relationship and his behaviour as a benchmark for their own.
To give you and idea of how clueless he is about his behaviour, I told him last night that my boss had given me a new blackberry, he asked if I had told him about my crappy husband not getting me a birthday present and if that's why he gave me the phone. He jokingly said this.
I am strong and thank you all for your insights.

How did the counseling session go, overit?