Not sure where to post; dh v v v drunk what do I do

[ShhhhSantaiscoming]

Been out with friends and as usual when we go out he has got vvvvvv drunk. Been for a meal at 830 and home by 1030 , I guess that shows how drunk he is. I walked away from the table and sat in the bar for fear I should argue with him.

My parents babysat and left me about 15 mins ago and dare I say I'm ashamed...
Dh has cone home a d turned around to go out again but after persuading and the fact he couldn't contact his mates he has come inside.

Given me abuse verbally , gone to bed, fallen in the bathroom , broken the toilet seat , vomited everywhere and is currently on all 4's in the bathroom ...

What do I do ? I want to kill him, I'm v pissed off with him . He is an arse and I really feel like living alone. Kids are asleep but do tend to get up in the night , not keen for them to see this .

I have resigned myself to a night on the couch .

Do I c,ean up the bathroom around him or let him see and clear the mess himself tomorrow ? Bit worried tbh about caving him in room alone , vomit , choking etc ...

Advice appreciated

Please listen to the people who have been where you are or where your husband is. If you don't this is just going to get worse and worse. Last night you weren't prepared to put up with it anymore - why are you today? :(

When I was 6 - over 40 years ago - I was out for a walk with my father. He had a blackout and fell flat on his face. I was absolutely terrified. When I was 10 he drank himself into a coma, I was playing in the house opposite and saw him being carried out feet first. I was so frightened because I thought he was dead.

It was more frightening for me that being sexually abused before I could talk. Yes. Really that frightening.

thanks everyone, sorry I havent been about much since sat/sun but been a bit hectic here.

Well.... I made dh aware of how bad he was on saturday, I was shocked to hear him say that he doesn't remember a thing from leaving the restaurant..

Yes, I did clear the mess up (god knows how like annie said, I didnt add to the vomit.. I came close..) mainly because of the kids and mainly because its also my home.

BUT I did show dh pictures of him at his worse and I intend to keep this and to print off copies. Copies of which he will be shown at times he feels he needs a blow out.

I also told him to read this thread. I wanted him to be aware of how sad and scared I was on saturday night and also to let him see peoples views and comments.

Sunday he was remorseful as expected and yesterday he admitted that the weekend was a shambles and that he does need to re-evaluate him and his life. Im not prepared to sweep this under the carpet and although to him I may sound like im "going on" I dont care, I can't have it happen again.

We were due out this weekend, I have told him its cancelled and he can inform our friends. We are also due to go out in Jan with 3 couples (one of which were here at the weekend) and we aimed to stay the night in a hotel. Again I have cancelled it, I can't trust dh and im not prepared to spend my night sober waiting to see which way dh swings. Im not a big drinker so the lack of alcohol doesn't bother me, what does is sat watching a drunk embarassing dh and me clock watching for when its time to make an exit. Not a fun night for me.

I can't force dh to admit he has a drink problem nor can I make him attend help groups but he is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he has no more chances left im afraid.

Just wanted to add, can't remember who said it.... there was a comment about me covering things up from the dk's and the fact its me who will look worse.. well they were right.

Sunday, I beratted dh and made my annoyance clear. The dk's commented "why are you shouting at daddy when he is ill" ...

blimey lady!!, you are a force to be reckoned with!!

seriously, well done you!! - i know you have to do this for yourself and the children but ultimatly you are giving your dh a chance to get his life back! - when my dh gave me his ultimatum i was terrified, i was about to lose everything i held dear, my home , my husband, my daughter, you name it! - i am so thankful now that he had the guts to do what he did - life is so much better, we are all so much happier, my family and i are all begininng to heal and its lovley!, do show this thread to your dh - he needs to know that there is a better way of life to had and he has a chance to grab it with both hands!

please tell him he is welcome to join us on the 'brave babes' thread - there are a couple of blokes on it (its not all handbags and periods! )

good luck to you and your family!!

L XXXXXX

Shhh

I still think you should have made him clear up his own mess. You doing so just shielded him from the consequences of his actions; this was enabling behaviour on your part. Enabling is not good for you as it just gives you a false sense of control. It shields him from the consequences and thus can delay any recovery (he is nowhere near any recovery from alcoholism as his reasons behind his drinking have never been addressed and he is still mired in denial). Also he has you still around to prop him up. You are his enabler.

How many people actually know about his drink problem?. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

There are no guarantees here; he could go onto lose everything and still drink. That's his choice.

Your post once again is mainly about him; what about you and the children here?. Them growing up in a household with a drunkard parent will bring with it its own set of emotional problems for them not just now but into adulthood as well. Your house should be a sanctuary for these children, at the present time it is not. They hear you shout as well.

You are all caught up on the merry go around of alcoholism and you and your children also need help and support. They are already somewhat aware of what is going on here; you cannot shield the realities of your DH's alcoholism fully from them. BTW they won't thank you for staying with him longer term if you chose to do so.

You are not responsible for him at the end of the day, only your own self and the children.

Do speak to Al-anon again. You need to speak to other people who are or have been in the same situation. They are not run like a call centre.

If your household is not already an alcohol free zone turn it into one. Do not drink alcohol with this man on any occasion.

You cannot help/rescue/save him but you can certainly help your own self here.

Shhh

Showing him photos of his drunken mess will likely be counterporductive and he accusing you of nagging.

Far more effective an approach from you would have to have left him in his own mess; at least he would have cleared his own mess up then.

He must see that there are consequences for his actions.

You cannot and should not clear up after him or make excuses for him any more. You're so caught up in his alcoholism as well that all this unhealthy behaviour from both of you becomes normal.

you are right attila, it does become the norm. Dh drinks, fucks up and I clear up the mess and pick up the pieces. Even when we have been out with friends and he's become an obnoxious git its me who has felt ashamed there and the next day and me to feel's im being judged and I never did anything! BUT I guess people just associate us as a "team" so i get the same treatment as dh...Im starting to see that now..... just now..

Im also embarassed that dh turns into the laughing stock, he's a bright intelegant man who has a very stressed and high powered job yet his relief is drink and sadly I hate the fact that in work he is highly thought of and respected YET when he has a drink and is with friends he turns into the person everyone wants to be around as he becomes commical and the entertainment for the night iykwim.

Again, im only just realising this...

I would love to have a dh who when we go out is the lone looking after me, is sober enough to make sure we both get home safely and who doesn't look like a ejit by ordering 2/3 drinks in the interval of a show..all for him.

or the guy who can say "I will drive us there and home" instead of "I will drives us there..oh I have now had a drink so you can drive home".

jesusthis, thanks for your reply. I so hope dh see's it that way and I hope he values what I have said etc..

For your DH if he is still about

• it's time to be strong and admit that you need to find other ways to relax and destress. It will be hard, hard, work and you may think it makes you less of a "man" to de-stress with things like Tai Chi, meditation and therapy rather than with a pint and a few shots - however, it will make you ten times more a man, a man who will be able to look after his family and let them be respected, not pitied and laughed at. It sounds like you have learnt the patterns from your own family, it's now time to break away.

AA helps many but there's much more out there. Go to the GP and find out about your local alcohol services. Get support from professionals.

thankyou eurostar... I have a feeling (I hope as well) that dh is silently reading this thread somewhere..

Thank you for acknowledging my 'share' about how your DCs see your situation.

And all power to you and your 'putting your foot down' {massive pat on the back and non-MN type hug here}

i wish there was a 'kind' emoticon to use on MN sometimes...

DH, I hope you're reading this and realising what a mess you've got into. Not just a mess that means you are risking losing your family, but also you are damaging your health. Do something about it now before it's too late.

Shhhh if this happens again why not ring up a hotel and book into it with your DC's? Wake them up, make an exciting excuse, jump in a cab and go somewhere that doesn't smell of vomit. Let your DH wake up in the morning and take a good look at the results of his actions.