Not sure where to post; dh v v v drunk what do I do

[ShhhhSantaiscoming]

Been out with friends and as usual when we go out he has got vvvvvv drunk. Been for a meal at 830 and home by 1030 , I guess that shows how drunk he is. I walked away from the table and sat in the bar for fear I should argue with him.

My parents babysat and left me about 15 mins ago and dare I say I'm ashamed...
Dh has cone home a d turned around to go out again but after persuading and the fact he couldn't contact his mates he has come inside.

Given me abuse verbally , gone to bed, fallen in the bathroom , broken the toilet seat , vomited everywhere and is currently on all 4's in the bathroom ...

What do I do ? I want to kill him, I'm v pissed off with him . He is an arse and I really feel like living alone. Kids are asleep but do tend to get up in the night , not keen for them to see this .

I have resigned myself to a night on the couch .

Do I c,ean up the bathroom around him or let him see and clear the mess himself tomorrow ? Bit worried tbh about caving him in room alone , vomit , choking etc ...

Advice appreciated

ShhhSanta all alcoholics in denial see drinking as a de-stresser and relaxation.

Sorry I had to go then as could hear him thudding about upstairs .

Forgot to add , I have cleaned sick up .. God knows how I didn't vomit myself as I was close.
The bathroom is our bedroom on suite so kids don't use it but the smell and mess I couldn't leave.

Dh is a disgrace . I have managed to move him onto the floor in the bedroom, lay him onto of a bed sheet and covered him with a sheet.

The dk's are 3 and 5 and think their daddy is wonderful. Don't want them to see him like this . Dd just woke then but isn't aware .

Herbea, I know you are right . I have called al anon before when dh was in this state but recall speaking to an ex alcoholic and then the next day I called back and got the wife of an alcoholic .

I do feel dh has a problem and I have told him so. Know what herbea, I never really assessed it as something you do as a student but it's right.

I recall being violently sick from booze at 18 and never did it again till I was 29 when a night with mil ( she is similar to dh drink wise) saw me being plied with doubles etc. I was v sick the next day with 2 kids to look after ... Dh conveniently had to work last minute.

So 2 tines in 13 years.. Dh I can count on 2 hands and would maybe need more hands . And those are the times I'm aware of ... He works away quite often .

He's learned his drinking habits from his family. Your DC's will eventually see their dad lying on the floor stinking of booze and vomit and it will be etched in their memory forver.

He needs to do a lot more than give up booze during the week.

it's tough love time.

'get help or you're out' is the only way. and you have to mean it AND follow through. don;t make empty threats.

until you take action, he'll continue and it'll get worse, eventually having a huge impact on your children.

(am child of severe alcoholic and wife of (dry) problem drinker)

Hi Shhhh,

re your comment:-

"The dk's are 3 and 5 and think their daddy is wonderful. Don't want them to see him like this"

But they already are; even if they are not seeing all the mess directly. You cannot protect them fully from his alcoholism and it will affect you all. They see your reaction to his drinking problem, they know something is wrong. Children will love any parent regardless, even if they are a drunkard. But it does them no favours at all to grow up in a household where a parent is a drunk. You are already on the merry go around that is alcoholism; the whole family need help and support here as well as the drinker.

Your man is likely underestimating how much he is drinking per week. The denial he is giving you is all too common in people with alcohol problems.

You however, should not have cleaned his sick up; that is enabling behaviour because doing that avoids him seeing the consequences of his actions. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and helps neither of you. You cannot and should not enable him.

Make your home an alcohol free one. Do not drink alcohol with him either at any time or place.

Alcoholism can indeed be learnt behaviour.

Ultimately empty threats won't cut it; if you do tough love then you must follow that through to the letter.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

1. You did NOT cause it
2. You CANNOT control it
3. You CANNOT cure it

Talk again to Al-anon and read their literature.

There are often elements of codependency within such relationships and I would suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

hi!

i have to agree with attlia and blinks - im an alcoholic and the only thing that has stopped me drinking was my dh saying 'stop or get out' and MEANING it!

Hi there

My dad is alcoholic, and my mum used to clean up after him.
You know what I remember most about the 'aftermath' of him drinking?
Mum being really pissed off with him, giving him the cold shoulder and lots of mutterings under her breath. As kids (there are 4 of us), we thought mum was totally unreasonable at being angry with dad when he was 'ill'. She thought she was protecting us too from his 'behaviour', but all it did was confuse us.

Please go back to Al-Anon. Give them a call. I went to weekly meetings for about 3 months about 8 years back. They were fabulous for me.

On the enabler issue, at the moment it's you, but one day it might be your DCs. I used to help my dad hide his drink as a child. He made it a game. We ganged up on mum for her nagging, so to help him avoid being nagged, I would help him hide or lie about his drinking.

All fun and games at the time! Can you imagine how crap I felt later realising what I'd been doing to my mum. Your DCs will see you covering up for him, and think that's what they should do.

Next time leave him lying in his own vomit AND take photos. Then show him a photo every time he's about to go out. If he still gets like that, go home early, lock him out. If he ends up passing out in the cold, call the police. A night in the cells is often a good way to show someone that drink is now a problem for them.

Oh dear, I really feel for you. I hope you got some sleep last night.

I think it really has to be ultimatum time, for the sake of the children. You see, you yourself have made the connection between his mother and him - what kind of future can your own children look forward to as adults if this is the norm?

My mother has seriuos mental health and alcohol issues, and my dad was a drug addict. Even though we were put into care, each of my siblings and myself have found it very hard to keep away from alcohol (and drugs in my brother's case). Even if, as a child, it is something you vow to never do, if you see it happening a lot as a child you are very likely to go down that path yourself. Same with smoking.

Whatever course of action you take, take it soon, and take it with the interests of your children in mind. We'll be here to support you.

"I have called al anon before when dh was in this state but recall speaking to an ex alcoholic and then the next day I called back and got the wife of an alcoholic"

Sorry, I completely miss why this wasn't good?

OP, how long has he carried on like this? Has he binge drunk since you met him, or is he more of a regular drinker - eg everyday?

Annie, I never said it wasn't good. Just I guess my way of saying I called.
I guess I also never expected to speak to people experiencing the same or have had experienced it.
I guess I just thought it would be filtered to a call centre for a friendly ear iykwim.

Well, I finally managed to settle at 3am once dh had finished vomiting and once I had cleared up. Dh insistent I left him but as I said before rightly or wrongly I didn't want to leave it as I didn't want the kids to be faced with it. I also wanted to sleep in the bedroom and not the couch and the smell was bad...

Once dh started snoring I knew he was ok iykwim.

He has got up today, I'll and looks rough but he doesn't seem to feel it's a problem.. Has apologised but I have heard it all before. Dh just turns it into a joke. We are due out with friends again next week but I know it will happen again, I don't want to go.

Thanks btw for the replies. Its appreciated.

Byt, he drinks everyday. Maybe not to get into a state, could be a couple of drinks, sometimes he drinks nothing. No routine iykwim.

But, if/when we go out he couldn't have a drink and not have more.... And he can easily drink 2/3 to my 1 drink.

He doesn't see it as a problem?

Bloody hell, if he lived with me he'd certainly see it as a problem if only because of the fucking bollocking he'd been getting since I woke up this morning.

He's turned it into a joke - you have let him turn it into a joke.

I can't see why you are thinking about next weekened - I really can't. You have bigger fish to fry that what he will be like if you go out next weekend - like for example, if you are still living under the same roof.

Just in case I wasn't clear enough, there's no way in hell I would be dealing with what he was like last night again - ever, not when he doesn't think it's a problem and thinks it's fine to joke about it the next day. He would be told - it is not a joke. Grow Up or Fuck Off and if you do this again - I will make the choice and it will be for you to LEAVE this family. End of.

(I don't want to be misunderstood here though, most of us have been worse for wear with alcohol at one time or another and I have no problem with it, or looking after a partner when they've got into this state as a one off and are really sorry the next day and don't do it again.... but this, this is a completely different scenario and not one I would tolerate.)

When we go out he couldn't have a drink and not have more

What more do you need to send him to AA?

So he gets pissed and treats you like a doormat, you get upset, then the following morning he wakes up to find you're in a mood, he apologises, you eventually get over it and he gets to do the same thing all over again the next weekend.

Do you know why he acts like this? Because it works for him. He gets to do what he wants which is to get pissed out of his head whenever and wherever he wants to. And he knows that he's got you to tidy up his messes afterwards. Sure, the following day you'll be upset with him but, hell, he's got a hangover and so is feeling sorry for himself so he knows all he has to do is make the same old apologies and look suitably remorseful and sooner or later everything goes back to normal.

Please believe me that I'm not saying this to be harsh. I'm saying this because I've been where you are. For a long time I used to see my (then) DP's drunken blow-outs as effectively unique events. I'd spend ages trying to work out why that particular evening ended so badly. I often used to blame myself for saying the "wrong" thing or looking at my DP the "wrong" way. After all, my DP used to blame me for the drunken explosions so maybe there was some truth in it...

What was a major turning point for me was when I realised that it wasn't a series of apparently unconnected random drunken events. It was an ongoing cycle. It's like being on a roller-coaster. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, but you know you're going to get the same thing again and again. At least, you will until you choose to get off the roller-coaster and go and do something more fun instead.

If you don't want to go out with your friends and him next week, don't go. Or, make a resolution to go and enjoy your evening with your friends but when he gets pissed you say your goodbyes and go home. You are not responsible for him or his choices.

You have more choices open to you than being a 24/7 nurse maid to a drunk. Anything you can do to minimise your exposure to his drunken arsewipe behaviour - as well as minimising your DC's exposure to the same - will be good for you.

Yes, I'm afraid you are coming off as being incredibly passive, and as such condoning his behaviour. Why does he think it is OK? How can he pass it off as a joke? You need to tell him that it is not OK, not a joke, and will lead to him living alone if he doesn't accept your help now.
You need to get tough or it won't get better.

For the sake of your children, please do something.

i agree with snorbs and to a certain extent chippingin - the thing is, you dont 'send' someone to AA, its a selfhelp group, not a cure all detox programme and the individual has to WANT to go!, there is absolutly no point in going if you dont accept there is a problem - without doubt, had i been 'sent', i would have been resentful and angry and gone straight to the pub!

somehow, you have to make him realise he is an alcoholic (and he IS you know!) and make him understand just how much he has to lose!

letting him wake up covered in his own filth would be a start!

This is beyond acceptable. The children will grow up and have a similar attitude to drinking, is that what you want for them?

Of course not. I would honestly tell him to go to AA or get out. It is not acceptable on any level.

I wouldn't do the "Go to AA or get out!" thing. That's controlling. Instead, if it came to it I would go more for "I am no longer willing to live in fear of your behaviour while drunk. If you ever behave like this again, we are over." And then mean it.

It's his choice if, and how, he wants to address his alcohol problem. He's a grown-up, he gets to choose if he wants to be a drunken arse or not. The OP gets to choose whether life with a drunk is good enough for her or not.

Fair point Snorbs. Never been in this position, thankfully. Very tough on the family though.

God yes. It's downright horrible for the family. And the really shitty thing is that as alcoholism tends to get worse and worse as the years go by, the longer it's left unaddressed the tougher it will be.

Do you really think you can protect your children from this sort of behaviour? They will see him like this eventually, and as they get older and understand more they too will experience shame, embarrassment and disappointment, not to mention what sort of example it sets them. You're the adult here. Deal with this.

You don't need a call centre for a friendly ear. You need practical advice on how to deal with a major drinking problem in your household. Nobody can help as well as someone who's been there.

I'd have left him in the vomit btw, mainly because I could not have cleared it up without adding to it - you have my admiration for that! But I also believe strongly it's not going to help him see any problem as long as he still wakes up comfortable and clean with no consequences but a headache which another few jars will soon "cure". If you feel you can hack it as long as it doesn't happen too often, at least consider that he is killing himself and the kindest thing you can do is not enable him to keep doing this horrible thing to his health. Mind you it probably won't help to put it that way to him, as he simply wouldn't accept it.

My DH is an alcoholic and has been dry for nearly 4 years now. Friends told me to leave him when he was at his worst but I wouldn't do it as he decided to seek help from AA. I told him that I'd stay because he'd decided to help himself.

4 years on he is sober with the support of AA. It has saved his life and our marriage.

I imagine that in real life you feel quite isolated. I wasn't able to talk to many people when he was at his worst and I was incredibly lonely. Those friends I did tell got frustrated when I wouldn't leave him or do what they thought right and I didn't want others to judge. Mumsnet was a great source of strength for me.

Incidentally, I didn't realise the extent of my DH's drinking for a long time. I thought he was "just" a binge drinker too but as soon as he admitted to his dependency it all became quite open and it was shocking how much he drank.

I didn't go to Al-anon but locally there is a similar group and it has helped in all sorts of unexpected ways. Even now I gain strength from it.