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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Calm me down! Just had ANOTHER fight with my mum over Christmas presents

36 replies

Iwasthefourthwiseman · 04/12/2010 18:00

So my brother text and said would DD1 (who is 3) like a travel DVD player for Christmas? I said great idea but she wouldn't use it in the car as she gets car sick and wouldn't use it as home as we have 3 bloody laptops as it is. How about a CD player and talking books for the car? All fine.

Spoke to my mum who got really cross, apparently she had suggested the DVD player to my brother as she had thought I'd be 'less stuffy about it this year', after I said no to her last year when she was 2. Also my mum wanted to get DD a laptop, a proper one, for Christmas this year. I said no, as she knew I would but said she'd might like a kiddies camera.

Anyway we've just had an argument where she said various things such as 'she won't be dictated to by me' she dread having a conversation with me about presents for DD, things are different now for children, and DD1 would like a DVD player and a laptop (she'd also like a Diego car and Diego ice skates but I'm not getting them for her - which is what I said and she replied 'well I'd get them for her if there were such a thing'), she was just grateful for anything her parents bought, and me telling her not too only makes her want to do it more (mature).

I told her this is not about Christmas presents it is about our parenting choices. I also said why bother asking then, and not to bother, she can get what she likes but if she buys them for her I reserve the right to let her use them as and when I chose (never). Just for the record, I was never rude about this, I just don't want her wasting her money and I don't want my three year old to have her own laptop and DVD player. And I want my mum to respect my parenting choices.

She probably won't speak to me for a week now, that's her level, but somehow she has managed to make me feel both angry and guilty. I don't want to keep arguing with her, I really try not to because I hate arguing with her and she really brings out the guilt complex in me, she manages to make me think everything is my fault.

She then told me I was being 'sharp' 'I know you have two children now (I have an 11 week old baby), but remember I've had 3' yes, and you were a yelling harpie most of the fecking time, and I felt bloody guilty all the time then...

:(

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 04/12/2010 18:10

your mum wants to buy your 3 yo a laptop? Gosh, she sounds grounded.

I think you're right to say you won't be forced to let DD play with these things if you don't want to. If she wants to get age appropriate gifts, you'll give her suggestions, otherwise, she should accept if she gets stuff you don't want DD to have yet (if ever) then they will be put away until they are suitable. Or ebayed.

Original poster
Iwasthefourthwiseman · 04/12/2010 18:36

Yes, because 'she'd really like a laptop'.

Yes, she'd like to stand on it and make jam sandwiches with it.

It's not even about the laptop it's that she doesn't see that this is part of mine & dh's parenting choices. She has made it very clear that she will do what she likes when it comes to her grandchildren.

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 04/12/2010 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 18:40

She is clearly loaded......and a little insane.

They are such inappropriate gifts Confused

SuePurblybiltByElves · 04/12/2010 18:42

She sounds madder than a wet weasel. A laptop? A dvd player? At 3?
Stick to your guns but maybe give her something, say that you'll OK the laptop on DD's fifth birthday/Christmas and not before.
Tell her to get the kiddizoom camera or camcorder.
Honestly, you need to start standing up for yourself I think.

Portofino · 04/12/2010 18:47

A laptop for a 3 year old! She does understand she is too young to actually use it right?

I would just ignore her if she won't be told. Put the pressies away for later when the kids are old enough.

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 18:49

I'll swap you the laptop for some duplo after Christmas and some baby annabel stuff Wink

Original poster
Iwasthefourthwiseman · 04/12/2010 18:53

I did get her to get a camera in the end. she's not loaded either, just stupid with money.

It's hard to stand up to her after 29 years. I was perfectly reasonable on the phone, but tried to stand up to her, but she makes it into a fight. she falls out with my brother and sister periodically and doesn't speak to them when they make choices she doesn't agree with, they give as good as they get though, i don't.

the thing is she is mostly lovely and often sensible and understanding. problem is you never know which mum you are going to get, she is so unpredictable, it really puts me on edge. and now I will feel awful till i speak to her again. at least i can't see it is her not me. a few years ago she would have made me cry and blame myself.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 04/12/2010 18:54

Accept the laptop. Flog it ( to me ) and buy something apt.

3 yrs old and your mother thinks a laptop is apt? And I thought my mother was away with the fairies.

anothermum92 · 04/12/2010 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thisisyesterday · 04/12/2010 19:06

you know what, i would just let her buy what she wants. then either put it away for when she is older, or sell it and put the money in her bank accont

ALovelyBunchOfBaubles · 04/12/2010 19:13

You have handeled this very well and I wish I was as polite as you. We are having the same issues with my ILs. They ask what you recommend to buy, you suggest something, they say ok, then buy something completely different and either something inappropriate or matching something someone else has bought. It's infuriating. I know how you feel. I agree with this is yesterday. Let them get on with it and filter it out as and when you please or sell it and replace it with something more suitable.

Original poster
Iwasthefourthwiseman · 04/12/2010 19:14

I think that is what I am going to do in future. It's just her attitude pisses me off so much, she really things she can do what she wants when it comes to my kids. And she genuinely thinks I am in the wrong here and nothing will change her mind because we have been having the same argument for over a year. I'm starting to dread Christmas I really am. I don't want my children to be spoilt. And the thing is my mum is so generous and spoils the whole family, but it's always with a side of stress about what to get us, and spending money she can't afford, I'd really rather she didn't bother.

OP posts:
FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 04/12/2010 19:22

Your mum is being incredibly immature. I am wondering why she bothers asking you and then ignoring what you say or complaining about it. It's almost like she's doing it on purpose just to pick a fight.

I think you have to make a choice now - either you keep fighting this and do not let such (utterly ridiculous) gifts enter your house, OR you just say "right, fuck it, get her what you want, just don't complain when I eBay it and get her something useful for her age."

Maybe she will then get the hint. Anyway, do NOT compromise your beliefs for your mother. She has had her chance to bring up kids, and now it's your turn.

spidookly · 04/12/2010 19:23

I also think you handled it really well.

I also think the way your mother speaks to you verges on toxic.

She will not be dictated to?

Well actually, if she's going to be a pain in the arse about it, she damn well is going to be dictated to.

This is YOUR daughter, you have to raise her, and you (and your DH) will make the choices about how she is brought up.

Your mother doesn't get a say. You should not feel guilty for standing up for her when she tries to bully you, you should feel proud.

Original poster
Iwasthefourthwiseman · 04/12/2010 19:34

The thing is she will never think she is in the wrong as she will just moan to her partner about it (who is lovely btw, but seems to have issues with her DIL, who I don't know but who's side I am generally on when my mum talks about her) and they will both just feel so maligned as grandmothers, reinforcing each other's unreasonableness.

I did feel like she was toxic for a while, but then we go for a while without falling out and she'll be really supportive.

Would you believe me if i told you she is a psychotherapist...?

Thanks for the support btw, i expected to be told i was an ungrateful cow!

OP posts:
spidookly · 04/12/2010 19:43

It doesn't matter whether she thinks she is in the wrong. It matters that when she is in the wrong you don't feel guilty or conflicted about it.

Let her and her partner bitch about you and her DIL all they want. It's no skin off your nose.

I find it very easy to believe she's a psychotherapist.

She's not the first overbearing, manipulative psychotherapist I've ever come across.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/12/2010 21:40

I wouldn't be a surprise to me that she's a psychotherapist either. It will just mean she's that bit better at being manipulative.

TheHoneydragonsInTheIvy · 04/12/2010 21:53

She sounds madder than a wet weasel. Xmas Grin

for gifting that expression to me I will now officially love Suepurley for ever more.

She is being a utter moose, both our folks have carte blanche over present buying as that is the fun of grandchildren but they know we know our kids best and so run things past us first if they aren't 100% sure.

Keep the lap top - make your Mum do cbeebies on it with your daughter each and every single time she visits for the whole duration. It really is a inappropriate present and I think, seriously this is a deeper issue, and your mother wants to purposefully sabotage and subvert your parenting - hence the involvement of your brother too. Sad

Desiderata · 04/12/2010 22:00

Grin and ponce!

That's the most sound advice I've yet to hear on MN.

Use it ... don't abuse it!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2010 22:06

"she falls out with my brother and sister periodically and doesn't speak to them when they make choices she doesn't agree with, they give as good as they get though, i don't".

I do like the weasel expression but my personal fave is, "madder than a box of cut snakes". I would apply such a description to your mother.

You need to set firm boundaries with this mad toxic mother of yours otherwise she will keep trampling over them to get her own way or wishes met. Do not apologise to her or back down. She does not really care who she hurts in the process; she saying that she won't be dictated to is a red flag. Also people who are narcissistic by nature have nasty tongues on them, disregard others completely as unimportant and can also be really crappy gift givers.

Have you ever read anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder?. Worth looking at.

I am not at all surprised either to read that she is a pyschotherapist.

MrsSnaplegs · 04/12/2010 22:14

iwasthefourth are you my long lost sister - it's just your mum sounds sooo like mine - my DD is now 5 and my DH and I have got to the point we have to laugh with some of the presents DD gets sent ( arrive as parcels on a weekly basis at times) we either charity shop them, wait till they get broken or put them away until a more appropriate age!! And no my mother can't afford it either!
Ignore what you can, stand your ground and DO NOT feel guilty!

Marchpane · 04/12/2010 22:15

Sis... is that you?!

My mother is similar. I employ the old "nod and smile, nod and smile" and say thank you. This is how DS has 3 coats this autumn.

She has a terrible habbit of buying things we've already got DS and have told her about. She then pretends she has forgotten we'd talked about it until she forgets herself and reveals that she did know all along.

You sound saintly. Well done!

Marchpane · 04/12/2010 22:18

X-posts with MrsS

hugglymugly · 04/12/2010 22:26

I also love the "weasel" description.

But she's not generous, she's manipulative. And as a psychotherapist she'll know all the tricks to use. She won't change, but I know it's challenging to change your reactions to her.

Can your brother and sister give you some support, given that they seem to be able piss her off sufficiently to shut her up for a while?

There's absolutely no need to feel any guilt. The responsibility for her behaviour is hers alone.