Calm me down! Just had ANOTHER fight with my mum over Christmas presents

[Iwasthefourthwiseman]

So my brother text and said would DD1 (who is 3) like a travel DVD player for Christmas? I said great idea but she wouldn't use it in the car as she gets car sick and wouldn't use it as home as we have 3 bloody laptops as it is. How about a CD player and talking books for the car? All fine.

Spoke to my mum who got really cross, apparently she had suggested the DVD player to my brother as she had thought I'd be 'less stuffy about it this year', after I said no to her last year when she was 2. Also my mum wanted to get DD a laptop, a proper one, for Christmas this year. I said no, as she knew I would but said she'd might like a kiddies camera.

Anyway we've just had an argument where she said various things such as 'she won't be dictated to by me' she dread having a conversation with me about presents for DD, things are different now for children, and DD1 would like a DVD player and a laptop (she'd also like a Diego car and Diego ice skates but I'm not getting them for her - which is what I said and she replied 'well I'd get them for her if there were such a thing'), she was just grateful for anything her parents bought, and me telling her not too only makes her want to do it more (mature).

I told her this is not about Christmas presents it is about our parenting choices. I also said why bother asking then, and not to bother, she can get what she likes but if she buys them for her I reserve the right to let her use them as and when I chose (never). Just for the record, I was never rude about this, I just don't want her wasting her money and I don't want my three year old to have her own laptop and DVD player. And I want my mum to respect my parenting choices.

She probably won't speak to me for a week now, that's her level, but somehow she has managed to make me feel both angry and guilty. I don't want to keep arguing with her, I really try not to because I hate arguing with her and she really brings out the guilt complex in me, she manages to make me think everything is my fault.

She then told me I was being 'sharp' 'I know you have two children now (I have an 11 week old baby), but remember I've had 3' yes, and you were a yelling harpie most of the fecking time, and I felt bloody guilty all the time then...

:(

This is the first year of my DD life so far I have needed to buy her clothes myself. Last visit to my mothers she said she had bought some new clothes for DD in the sales she will put away till they fit - clothes age 10 DD at time 4.9 !
Nod and smile works well!
Just think 3 of us on here are sisters and we didn't know

last year we'd said as a oke 'just don't buy her a life sized doll' and so when we said no to the dvd player for a 2 year old she bought one on those big Rosy dolls as a sort of revenge. she also wanted to buy dd a water table when we lived in a first floor flat!

i'm not sure how much of it (the present buying) is manipulation, it's more compensation for our poor childhood.

the guilt is another issue. for example my mum was abused as a child, awful i know, and part of her thing against breastfeeding. but instead of thinking right that is my issue, i am aware of it, i will set that aside so i can support my daughter, she just says 'well, you know how i feel about breastfeeding...'. it's like the psychotherapy makes her recognise her issues and use them as an excuse 'this is why i am like i am, i'm not going to try and do anything about it'

She sounds really complex to deal with - what a load of extra stress she creates. The laptop is crazy but do you do much travelling in the car? I ask because we do loads and our DS1 has always got badly car sick since being a toddler. So I assumed an in car DVD would make it worse, but then we borrowed a friend's to try and found it was brilliant. No car sickness despite many bendy roads and peace for an hour or two at a time while a film is being watched.

If you do much car travel you might want to encourage the car DVD - at least it is practical and even if you only use it a couple of times a year, on long journeys it makes a huge difference.

Buying a 3yo a laptop is a mental idea. Your mum has more money than sense. Tell her to get a grip and buy age appropriate presents.
OK her money so she can buy what she wants, but she has to accept if you think a present is unsuitable you can keep it from your daughter until she is old enough to play with it in the same way you would if some demented relative chose to buy her Grand Theft Auto.

Make a list of things you do want her to have and then say 'anything but a as its a boys toy/too plastic etc. Maybe you will get an easier time of it.

I also think you handled it well, very dignified. I suspect you cant change her and must adapt your reactions to her. No guilt needed, really, you must try not to feel it if you can its not your fault.

yes - my DS2, who is car-sick, is fine with the DVD player as well (weirdly).

It is extra-ordinary how some mental health-care professionals (I was one) are unable to recognise and respond appropriately to their own issues. Actually, in a way it makes sense - I think some are drawn to the profession as a way of feeling "sorted" and "well" and "invulnerable", compared to the patients they are treating (as well as wanting to help other people .....).

You seem to have a good understanding of that. Of course therapy should be about recognising your issues, but also recognising the fact you are applying old emotions to new situations, in an inappropriate and unhealthy way, as she is doing to you.

I wonder what would happen if you tried to tell her your insights?

Your mother seems out of touch.

Can you take her and dd to ELC, and let her watch dd and get Christmas present ideas from this?

I love Poncey's idea!!!!!

... re my last post, don't actually do it, though !!

that is crazy alright!!! lol at the suggestions to put in your specific request for a lap top. I bet she'd like an APPLE mac lap top, in white... mmmm

my mum is the other extreme, she wants to get my son a box for christmas. Yes, a cardboard box....!

She rang today and sort of apologised, in her own way without actually saying 'i'm sorry' (though I stupidly apologised...I don't know why). It starts off 'I'm ringing about yesterday...' no actual apology but she sort of muttered about it being unnecessary. You've got to take what you can get sometime haven't you?