8 months after affair - advice and perspective needed

[orangepoo]

Earlier this year, my DH was having an affair with a colleague. Your typical man with 2 young kids (3 and 1 at the time) being pushed down the pecking order at home and having an affair with a woman at work. The OW has a child of her own and she was also in a relationship with a partner (not her child's father) whilst she was having an affair with my DH. So she was cheating as well, but not on someone she was living with/married to.

Typical reasons for my DH's behaviour - drunk on "power" at work, selfish and arrogant.

Following my discovery of the affair, DH left for a week and then came back to try and rebuild our marriage. The OW moved in with her boyfriend shortly afterwards. I don't know why my DH came back. It may be because he realised what a terrible mistake he made or it may be because the OW chose her boyfriend over him. Who knows.

Anyway, fast forward a few months, both of us making an effort to sort our marriage out. I thought that we had been making progress - spending more time together, enjoying eachother's company again. Today DH tells me the OW is pregnant. I am ecstatic about this - it will mean she will take maternity leave and be away from my DH for a year. It cements her relationship with her partner for the moment and makes certain she is out of my life. It's exactly what I would have wished for.

Until I found out that DH had known for 6 weeks and only just told me. His reason was that he didn't know how I would react and thought that I might tell everyone in his office. I would not have done, I don't care about the people in his office (I don't even know most of them). Just to add that I have conducted myself in a dignified manner throughout the entire post affair period - I have not tried to score points by embarassing the OW or anything. On the occasion I had to see her, I was totally polite. I am not the kind of person to make a scene at all.

So question is - am I right to be furious that DH kept this information from me for 6 weeks? I feel totally betrayed. Quite apart from wondering whether DH is actually the father of her baby.

FWIW I would never ever spill a secret about someone's pregnancy, no matter how I felt about them. I like to think that I am a decent human being!

I really feel like him keeping secrets like this from me has set back our recovery from the affair. I wonder what else he has kept from me. WWYD?

Goodness, there's an awful lot you don't know, isn't there?

You don't know why he came back? You don't know if it's possible your H is the father?

Ultimately, what this secret he's been keeping about the pregnancy reveals is that he has again placed this woman's feelings before yours.

Tell me what steps he has taken to restore your trust, what help you have had recovering from this and how you and he have been monitoring their continued friendship.

It sounds to me as though it's as though the last 8 months haven't happened and you are back at Square one in terms of trust and recovery. Sorry .

I don't know why my DH came back. It may be because he realised what a terrible mistake he made or it may be because the OW chose her boyfriend over him. Who knows.

This is your problem, I think.

You now don't trust him one jot (and I don't blame you)

You cannot re-build a shattered relationship on such shaky foundations.

I would walk away until he is able to show you by his actions that he is sorry, he is trustworthy, won't keep anything from you "for your own good" and generally stops thinking about his own damage limitation.

My advice would be for you to separate and undergo individual counselling.

You...to find out why you took him back although it is clear he did not demonstrate in any way that he came back for you

Him...to find out why he thought it was ok to treat his loved ones like this.

You are a very long way from reconciliation, IMO

A slightly different perspective. In a way, it's not your business that she's pregnant - unless it's your DH's. I don't think it's that big a deal that he didn't tell you - how many of us rush to tell someone something that is going to possibly cause agro and isn't actually any of the other persons business...

I would, however, be giving him the evil eye and telling him that if there is even the remotest chance this baby is his, he had better tell me right now. The fact that the baby is his would not be a deal breaker for me (as long as it was conceived in he period I knew they had been together - if it was after that it would of course) but being lied to now would be.

Mind you - if I were you, they would no longer be working together.

Since the affair, he has been apologising for what he did. At first, he did not regret it, but over a few weeks, he did regret it (rather a lightbulb moment!). Many times a week, he tells me how grateful he is to have the opportunity to live with me and the kids and how he will never ever do this again.

We have had dates, meals out - all been really good fun. A man we know has just embarked on an affair with a female colleague - DH told him he was making a terrible mistake and should go back to his wife and 2yo. DH actually said "I can't get through to him"!!!!! (Because the guy is hell bent on leaving his wife and taking up with the OW).

So most of the time, DH has been trying I think.

By the way, I would not have wondered if he was the father of OW's baby - but for the fact that he deceived me for 6 weeks. Now I just think everything's lies.

I actually wonder (this is condescending!) whether he is just really really stupid. When I asked him how long he had known for, he told me 6 weeks. When I then told him how betrayed I felt, he said that he thought he was doing the right thing telling me the honest answer of 6 weeks, rather than telling me that he had only just found out. He really thinks he did a good thing!!!!!

Well, he is stupid, that goes without saying

A stupid man

But has he learned his lesson ? Only you can decide that.

I wouldn't find "apologies" enough, tbh

Words are cheap.

AnyFucker - the reason I took him back at the time was purely for my kids. I freely admit that and it was my intention to give everything I had to fixing the marriage.

He did do the right thing telling you the truth when you asked him - make sure he knows this. Did you ask him why he didn't tell you sooner?

Do you love him?

Do you want to be with him (kids aside)?

ChippingIn - yes I did ask him why he didn't tell me sooner. He thought it would get back to all their colleagues via me. His reason was to protect the OW's secret.

So he put the OW's feeling above yours... Did he not trust you enough not to tell their workmates.

Not good enough.

he shouldn't be protecting her

why is she telling him secrets ?

why are they still discussing such intimate matters ?

I am sorry, but I think the baby is his

Yes that would piss me off - that he didn't trust me to keep the secret, however, under the circumstances, I suppose you can see why he might be worried about it. I don't think they were colluding though - I mean, she told him, he chose not to tell you.

Kinda thinking along the same lines as AF

why do people try to mend a broken relationship "for the kids" ?

it doesn't work, clearly

you have to not be able to envisage life without your partner, kids aside

and the cheating pertner has to convince you of this, not continue to keep secrets and treat you like a fool

chipping...you wouldn't have a problem with the OW telling him such intimate details of her life ?

if it is over between them...it is no business of his

unless it isn't over...or the baby is his

AF - no it doesn't work when it's 'for the kids' which is why I asked if she wanted this for herself and if she loved him :(

AF - I wouldn't allow myself to be in a situation where they are still working together (well not anymore - you live and you learn don't you) but if they did and she told him at work I wouldn't find that abhorent or unusual - I think it's natural that she has told him she's pregnant (whether it's his or not) once you have been intimate with someone that doens't just go away (hence why they would not be working together if it was me).

yes, I agree, heaven and earth should have been moved so that they are not working together

but then...if they are not meeting up outside of work...where are these "intimate" chats taking place ??

and fucking why ?

once you have been intimate with someone that doens't just go away

but it has to...or there is no point in trying to save your marriage

To answer some questions:

Why he is working with her - I am currently a SAHM and plan to be until youngest in school - one income, just can't risk it - extreme worry re DH changing jobs. My old job was in a different town (we relocated) so no chance of me getting it back.

The "for the kids" issue. My parents are divorced. It is immensely painful for everybody involved. It was decades ago. It causes problems all the time - still. I honestly believe that there is/was a good chance of me and DH being very happy together - so whilst the base is "for the kids", it isn't like I was accepting a loveless relationship permanently for the kids because that wouldn't benefit them in the long term. Potentially getting back on track would benefit them a lot and that was my/our aim. He has no idea what he has done to our recovery keeping a secret like this. He is so utterly naive.

Re the baby being his. Of course, it's possible - I would be pretty naive myself not to even consider it. OW is now engaged to her partner. Would she really get engaged to him whilst carrying another man's child? I know people do, but on balance, I don't think she is doing this, despite her flaws.

Oh and I wil add that the guy she is engaged to has 2 kids of his own. She has essentially been their stepmother for 2/3 years so as well as her own child, there are other children involved in this sorry mess.

love, you don't have to justify yourself to us

our questions are hypothetical ones, for your husband

why do you think he is still so obviously in intimate contact with her ? (and talking about a pg is intimate, IMO)

Agree with the others on this one, I would want every reassurance that he was not still seeing OW as a possiblity if things don't work out or they are still seeing each other. People actually see each other whilst arranging a marriage....my lovely H (now seperated) did. I found out after the marriage and they were still working together.

One reason for the intimate contact is potentially that he is so thick, he doesn't realise that our best chance of recovery is for him to cut contact with her. (I have told him quite clearly!). He has stated to me that there is no chance of him ever going back to her and that he can easily just continue to work with her without problems. They work together (just the 2 of them) on particular things where the rest of the team are not involved and this is the opportunity to talk, in meeting rooms etc. He thinks she is good at her job and if she does decent work, it cuts down the work he has to do (he is the superior) so he didn't want to remove her from his stuff. He also says his clients like her. Not really robust enough for me - the team is large and there is at least one other person who could do this work to the same standard.

I don't know why she told DH about her pregnancy. There are so many reasons - could be his baby...or she might want to stick 2 fingers up at him after the relationship between the 2 of them ended. They are still friends, which I think both of them should be utterly ashamed of. I think they forfeited their chance of being friends when they cheated on their partners together.

Also, her partner does keep close tabs on her movements as he does know about the cheating. So that does decrease the chance of the baby being my DH's. Plus DH doesn't actually want any more children.