8 months after affair - advice and perspective needed

[orangepoo]

Earlier this year, my DH was having an affair with a colleague. Your typical man with 2 young kids (3 and 1 at the time) being pushed down the pecking order at home and having an affair with a woman at work. The OW has a child of her own and she was also in a relationship with a partner (not her child's father) whilst she was having an affair with my DH. So she was cheating as well, but not on someone she was living with/married to.

Typical reasons for my DH's behaviour - drunk on "power" at work, selfish and arrogant.

Following my discovery of the affair, DH left for a week and then came back to try and rebuild our marriage. The OW moved in with her boyfriend shortly afterwards. I don't know why my DH came back. It may be because he realised what a terrible mistake he made or it may be because the OW chose her boyfriend over him. Who knows.

Anyway, fast forward a few months, both of us making an effort to sort our marriage out. I thought that we had been making progress - spending more time together, enjoying eachother's company again. Today DH tells me the OW is pregnant. I am ecstatic about this - it will mean she will take maternity leave and be away from my DH for a year. It cements her relationship with her partner for the moment and makes certain she is out of my life. It's exactly what I would have wished for.

Until I found out that DH had known for 6 weeks and only just told me. His reason was that he didn't know how I would react and thought that I might tell everyone in his office. I would not have done, I don't care about the people in his office (I don't even know most of them). Just to add that I have conducted myself in a dignified manner throughout the entire post affair period - I have not tried to score points by embarassing the OW or anything. On the occasion I had to see her, I was totally polite. I am not the kind of person to make a scene at all.

So question is - am I right to be furious that DH kept this information from me for 6 weeks? I feel totally betrayed. Quite apart from wondering whether DH is actually the father of her baby.

FWIW I would never ever spill a secret about someone's pregnancy, no matter how I felt about them. I like to think that I am a decent human being!

I really feel like him keeping secrets like this from me has set back our recovery from the affair. I wonder what else he has kept from me. WWYD?

he is her boss ?

so much wrongness there

he isn't being truthful, it's quite clear, if someone else could do the work he should be making sure they are never alone together

it doesn't matter whether he is "thick" or a member of supreme Mensa

you told him he was to have no more contact with her (outside of work issues) and he isn't respecting your wishes

a deal breaker, I think...and you are being played

what do you think ?

did they always use contraception ?

also condoms...has he had an STD check ? Have you ?

What do you think I am being played for? If he doesn't want me, he can just leave - why would he stay - what does he have to gain from me? I would look after the kids whether he is here or not.

He is her boss, but she is a little older than him so it isn't like a total power inequality.

no contraception for them (!)

Yes, we have both been for full STD check, both been twice (3 mth interval) to be totally sure.

reason for him not using contraception = he was totally in love with her and didn't care if she got pregnant (his words).

Yes it is a power inequality, he is her supervisor, age has nothing to do with it.

A male in a senior position...completely inappropriate to still be working with a female he has had an affair with. He should be moving heaven and earth to change that dynamic...not giving you some crap that she is good at her job. Lots of people are good at their job.

I don't know why he is staying (she finished it ?) but he isn't being truthful with you, so you need to get to the bottom of that.

Sorry OP, he has done nowhere near enough. When I asked you what he had done to restore your trust, you wrote about his words (apologies) and the fun nights out you've had.

He continued to work with her and that's a shame, but he shouldn't have continued a friendship with her, where they were so close that she told him about her pregnancy before she told any other colleague. Then, he protected that secret from you in case you tried to hurt her. Now, where does that suggest his loyalties lie?

He doesn't get this at all, does he? This suggests that he is no nearer to understanding the boundaries that should be in place (described in Not Just Friends as the "walls" around your marriage) and instead, has been keeping a window open to the OW.

You meanwhile are delighted the OW is pregnant, because you still see her as a threat to your marriage and clearly think that her absence will resolve your H's fidelity. It won't though. You are passing over the control of the fidelity in your marriage to a third party, or the absence thereof.

I assume you are a new poster if you haven't read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Get him to buy it and read it before you and I wouldn't mind betting that if he does, this will represent the first concrete effort he has made to understand his infidelity.

AF - what I meant was that once you have been intimate with someone that doesn't just go away overnight - in that there is still a 'connection' with them, you would still tell them things you wouldn't tell anyone else. If I was the OW in this situation (not a fucking chance, but bear with me) I would tell him I was pregnant, that emotional closeness doesn't just go away because you have been caught out/made to stop the affair. Even if you want to be with your partner.

Orange - you sound really nice, but also very naive. DH not wanting your family to have anymore children has absolutely no bearing on whether this baby is his or not.

Do you know when it's due?

What has DH said about the possibility of it being his?

Also, I would not be putting up with all of this working together, alone, shit either.

Honestly, you need to get mad and get your foot put down about all of this.

aside from the affair you don't seem to respect him much.

Do you love him?

whaaaaaaat

he didn't use contraception ?

I thought you said he didn't want any more children ?

I can't believe you took this fucking stupid individual back, tbh

Love, I will leave your thread now, because I can't give you any more constructive advice and I sense it will become combative between us and that is the last thing you need

Good luck x

Orange

Which is it??

Plus DH doesn't actually want any more children

OR

reason for him not using contraception = he was totally in love with her and didn't care if she got pregnant (his words)

OK I can explain that:

totally in love with her, didn't care if she got pregnant were his feelings in March, admission following the end of the affair

not wanting anymore children = feelings months down the line having considered things a bit more carefully (she got pg in august)

AF - grateful for your posts - main issue I needed to have resolved was whether I was being unreasonable getting upset over the fact that he had kept this secret. Because he thought it was nothing and didn't understand why I was upset.

I am not the combative type .

God, it gets worse...

He is not thick, but his mistake is to think you are, OP. I'm quite sure you're not as naive as he seems to think you are.

It sounds like you made only one stipulation in all this - to cut contact with OW, and he has failed. You don't seem to have had any reaction to that though? What stopped you from saying "well it's over then"?

Having seen you cave in over that one paltry stipulation, I suspect he thought you were weak and that he could carry on pretty much regardless.

I hope your anger will rise now and galvanise you into stating rather more conditions than hitherto. I suppose it's pointless asking if he's had any therapy?

I am

I do know his behaviour is appalling, don't worry. I have a large family all around me, although my dad is a bit of a twit everyone else is great. I am not living isolated with DH, putting up with crap and having nobody to talk to. I just know what my parents' divorce did and if I can avoid that, I can afford to wait a while for DH to grow up.

no therapy for him, apart from lecture from his mother (she was mortified when he had this affair)

AF - why?
perhaps I am indeed the thick one in the marriage

orangepoo I'm really saddened that you feel that a marriage is worth holding on to at any cost, mainly because if you haven't resolved his infidelity this time, there will be others, even more so now that he knows the consequences are so few. Meanwhile, you will be older, more embittered and your DCs will learn to recognise the all too familiar signs of Dad having yet another affair.

It doesn't have to be like this, you know.

what WWIFN said

I don't think you are thick, but I do think you are making a mistake