Anyone else's parents completely frickin indifferent? Grr..

[colditz]

Just rang my mother to tell he we are planning to pop down later so dp can fix her computer for her. Her response?

"Oh, if you must."

Me "Well is that a problem? Do you want us to come another time instead?

Her "No. I'm not feeding you though."

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Actually we don't want bloody feeding, I'm making roast beef tonight. I really wish she wouldn't do this.

I think all our lives we are trying to get a reaction from our mother, and mine has never responded to anything I say or do. It doesn't matter how nice I am to her (she owes me £40! and dp is going to fix her computer!) I don't think she would notice if I dropped of the edge of the world.

Humph.

Yes, my mum.

Dh to her when she rang up 'Nevada is out of hospital, she's not too bad'.

Her - 'What operation?' Oh,well, just ringing to tell you I'm going to Australia to see my son'.

Grrr!

why are you going then if she's that rude?

I guess she probably did a lot for you when you were a kid which went unthanked/ unappreciated - maybe viewing it like that may help you put up with it?

So, don't fix her computer. Wait until asks nicely and at least appears grateful. Think of it as toddler training for parents.

Colditz - it might be better than your dp being 'expected' to fix the computer. Which in dh's family, he is.

twirlaround - none of us asked to be born. our parents chose to have us, and they got a lot of pleasure out of us when we were little.
Im not falling for that one, otherwise Id be running around doing what my mother tells me for the rest of her life - which is what she would like!

NN, still going to see my brother and sister, as my sister needs to computer for school.

Twirlaround, whenever I was ungrateful as a child, I was treated to a 45 minute litany on how miserable it is to have ungrateful children. By the time I was 10 I never asked for anything that I thought for one second I wouldn't show enough gratitude for.

anyway, she's 51 and old enough to know better. I don't want her to be grateful, just as pleased to see me as I am to see her.

I definitely feel gratitude to my parents for what they have done for me & want to be able to give them something back, but to be fair they are in general well-behaved - although they do have their little ways - but then so do I.

I guess I'm saying nobody's perfect...but the toddler taming tactic sounds like an interesting idea!

My parents aren't completely indifferent, but if we dare to ever ask if they can look after DD & DS for a couple of hours so we can go out (very rarely!), the response is usually 'Oh, I suppose so.'

Which really gets my back up - TBH I think I'd cope better if my mum just said no. Sometimes I say things like 'Just say no if you can't/don't want to' etc. and then I get some very stroppy response and I feel as if I'm about 12 again and I've been told off!! There's never any enthusiasm, they've never offered to take my kids out on their own, have them overnight, or even just to babysit.

I know they love me and my kids, but sometimes a little more enthusiasm would be nice.

Every time she comes to see us, I might as well ask "How much do you want" because it is the only reason she ever visits, honestly. I can't think of one time in the past year when she has come to see us, full stop. She always want money, which I never mind giving, but I feel like a bloody cashpoint sometimes.

her income, BTW, is the same as ours.....

My mum used to say stuff like that, it was so embarrassing to have to take my dh there, or my friends.

I've moved away now and she's happy to see me occasionally, which suits me too, because before I always felt in her way, even when I didn't visit. Now she buys me presents all the time, and phones and texts me, and even invites me to stay.

My mum kicked me out of her house when I went into labour because I would have made a mess of her floor if my waters had broken!

They're strange sometimes.

I see, then she is pushing it because she knows she can, and you will still come. "old enough to know better" is a phrase I find my self using about my mother. I didnt expect to feel older than her at quite such a relatively young age!

tricky about the money. Can you say "well, I have got 30 pounds, but I was going to spend it on shoes for ds/dd who really needs them...."

I can't. I just can't. I don't care about the money really, I would never say no to her. Just wish she would be a bit happier to see us when it's not about money.

I wish I knew the way to get through to my own mother on questions like this.

the problem is, I dont know if inside her heart is the loving mother I am looking for, or if she is just rather shallow and selfish all the way through - and would I be worse off if I proved it conclusively?

My parents are indifferent to the Meerkats family and rarely if ever go out of their way to help. I only now ask for any sort of help from them when I'm in a real jam and there's absolutely no-one else I can ask. TBH if we hadn't had a child I don't think their reactions would have changed any.

I get responses like, "oh what do you want to go there for?" when I explain we may go to Australia for a holiday next year. Never a word of complaint mind you when my brother wants to go on holiday to some off the beaten track South American nation. He can do no wrong in her eyes and they will bend over backwards to help him by cleaning his house for him twice a week (my brother is 36 years of age with no dependents).

I suppose my parents have always been like this but I didn't really notice - you don't as a child. I feel things have gone downhill relationship wise with them since I married.

Meerkats, they clean your brother's house for him?! That is just weird.

My FIL is in a grump with us because we haven't been attentive enough to his needs since the baby was born. (This is the man who couldn't be bothered coming to our wedding, despite living in the same town, and who dh has seen probably twice in the last five years). Apparently, when ds was only a few days old, we were going through hell trying to breastfeed, not to mention days without sleep and the full horror of being parents for the first time, we should have been in touch to ask how he was. Did I mention also my dh is chronically ill? We had just the odd matter of our own to attend to.

My dad has actually been to see the baby, but I since learn that was after he'd been badgered by his SIL, his sister, my cousin and also the mum of a friend of mine. Frankly I wish they wouldn't bother; I don't mind seeing him but if he's not interested, so be it.

tribpot,

Am sorry to read I am not the only one with indifferent rellies. Some people do not deserve the title of grandparent in any way, shape or form.

Yep, you read correctly. it is certainly weird in other peoples' eyes. My Dad drives my Mum over to my brother's house twice a week (he and I live in the same town; infact they drive past my road to get to his house) to do various chores. She cleans house from top to bottom, gets in some shopping for his cupboard, does all his ironing for him (she takes the dried washing back to her house) and solve any domestic crises that arise (She will wait in for repairmen to arrive so her son does not have to take the day off work). I would repeat that my brother is single with no dependents and is hardly ever there (just uses the house to sleep in really). They also ferry him to/from the airport as and when needed. To be fair to my brother he has never asked my mum directly to clean house for him; it is something that she has chosen to do off her own back primarily out of boredom. Instead of getting a job like I counselled she chose this path instead.

Coincidentally enough I have come across other women who say their Mums do all this and more for their sons. BTW my Mum has never cleaned my house (too busy doing my brother's but more importantly I would not want her to) or even wanted to babysit on an occasional evening without any degree of reluctance. To solve this issue I now use a registered sitter and don't get them involved.

The other three are all very emotionally needy people so feed off each other. I feel like I've been shut out but feel its their loss at the end of the day and I'm more than happy with my own little Meerkat family unit. All I want of my parents is to show some more interest in my son and not make excuses for why they can't see him but I have come to accept now this is not going to happen.

Well Meerkats I think I can state here and now that there is no freakin' way I will be doing my ds's cleaning for him in 36 years' time He'll be welcome to come round and do mine if he likes, though. Honestly, the woman who ends up with your bro is going to have her hands full re-training him, isn't she? (Or just accept that he's always had everything done for him and do the same).

I would be devastated if it was my mum showing no interest in my kid(s), that's definitely in a class above my FIL and his grumpiness (as I never have to see him, it affects me very little, and as ds has my excellent step-father as a fine grandad, we don't really notice the lack anyway).

As to emotionally needy, that's my MIL. I know why my dh lived abroad for 12 years! (Have been tempted more than once just to high tail it back to Sweden to get away from them). What happens is my BIL phones her, to offload all his stress on to her, which then stresses her out, so she phones my dh to offload it all on him. (Note comment before about him being chronically ill, apparently that is no reason not to offload stress on to him. I know I do but (a) I'm married to him and (b) I have just had his grumpy baby for him!).

Dh then gets stressed having to try and placate his mum, which then stresses me out too because I don't like to see him get upset (unless I am doing it) - all I can say is, whoever invented Caller ID should be given a Nobel Prize. We also have a fabulous privacy feature on the phones which, when we turn it on, means only my parents can call and everyone else goes straight to answerphone. Aaahhh, bliss.

I hope your MIL is a bit more interested in her grandchildren, what a shame for them not to have fab grandparents. My mum loves being a granny because she gets to dote on the kids and allow them to do all sorts of horrendous things she wouldn't let us do, and my sibs won't let their kids do That's what it's all about. As you say, though, there's nothing you can do about it - and it's 100% your parents' loss.

meerkats - my mother used to do my brothers homework for him while her 2 daughters just had to get on on their own, he got the biggest bedroom as a child, and she has supported him in every way since, all the family heirlooms, some of them inherited down the female line! are destined for him, and I have reason to believe she is going to give him a house that neither he nor I or my sister could afford. He just sits there and accepts everything she gives him, and Mum still maintains that she loves all her children equally, and has no favourites.

my mother is self-delusion champion of the world.

I really need to just offload about my Dad.

On Wednesday my Bro & SIL had a baby girl. Yesterday DH & DSx2 were due to go and do the big "meet your cousin" thing. I had briefly been to the hosp but DH hadn't seen her yet.Boys both woke up with suspected colds so rand parents to see ifthey would come over later than planned to sit with them while DH and i went to see the new family member.

When they arrive i asked DF when he wanted to be away by and he said "take your time" so we were there for a couple of hours (Long and fFirst birth story - also wanted her to know i willbe there for her is she has wobbles or baby blues) When we got back DH had face like thunder accused me of "taking theP*" and stomped out with mum trailing behind. Think he poss jealous that we were all together and he not included?

Anyway - today is mums bday and they are due here for tea - really dont want to be nice to him but my mum does loads for me and the kids and why should she lose out. Its just that my dad gets to me so much when he is crosswith me - even if i'm not in the wrong. ha should i do tonight - even trying to have a reasonable discussion is hopeless - he will deny any wrong doing but i'm sick of just pretending everything is ok as he normally calms down pretty quickly - why couldnt he just say what time he wanted to leave - i dont take advantage

yossa, your dad sounds a bit crazed. What other things does he blow his top about and then mysteriously forget when you next see him? Could it be that he finds the grandkids a bit stressful? Does your mum know what gets him riled?

I guess the only thing you could do is set a specific time that you're going to be back at, I know that's not ideal but perhaps it would give him less to complain about ...

Congrats to Bro and SIL.

Nightynight, when the time comes, you may have to get legal advice if your bro really has been left everything in favour of you and other sibs. This has happened to a friend of my mum's - the entire estate has been left to her brother. In that case it's even worse as the solicitor who drew up the will ... was the brother. Arrrggghhh. Families!

tribpot, theres no comeback though is there? I mean, they are entitled to do what they like, even if they have led us to believe one thing all our lives, and then change at a later stage.

Colditz - my mother is great!

I practically grew up on my own - she was never around. She thinks the sun shines out of my nasty sister's bum but doesn't have the time of day for me! Forever reminding me that she "could have given me away" (wish she had!) and how grateful I should be that she kept me. The list is endless ...

Hates my relationships with all other members of the family. Went to see my Nan the other day (who I consider to be my mum) and my mother got wind of it (courtesy of my darling sister) and telephoned all the way from Russia to give my Nan a gobful and tell her not to let me stay! Can you believe it!

She has a real chip on her shoulder about everything and thinks I still owe her my life for giving birth to me!

At least I know not to make the same mistakes with my dd's!