feeling stupidly jealous - am I being irrational???

[sillybutannoyed]

Have changed my name for this because I feel so stupid! lol
Tonight I was at a family party, we all had a great time, brilliant party, loads of fun etc..
I had invited my two close friends to the party -they've known my family for years, my best friend who I have known half of my life and is the one person I am closest to in the world 'pulled' at the party. Now this is an issue for me because she is engaged to a man I love to bits but also because the man she was with tonight was somoeone I have a very deep history with, although we have never and probably will never be together - he's a lot older than me, a family friend and the things that have happened with us would be hard for my family to deal with - I think purely because of the age difference thing.
I'm now not able to sleep because I'm so annoyed with her! she is the only person that knows what's happened between me and this man, and she is the only person that knows how I feel about him...and yet she went and did this, right in front of me.
I feel so betrayed, but I feel like I'm unjustified in this, he's a single man..
She isn't single, but I have to say as much as I'm shocked by her behaviour my feelings towards her arn't because she cheated on her fiance - but because I feel like she's cheated on me!!!
I don't know what I'm going to do, she's my best friend in the world, and we speak every day...I don't think I'm going to be able to speak to her, but I don't want to sound stupid, being jealous of her and a man that I will never have anyway

Any advice would be brilliant, if you got this far! lol I'm just thinking aloud - well you know what I mean! sorry if it's just a load of ramblings!!

sillybutannoyed, not silly. your friend is engaged? and she knows how you feel about this other man. is her relationship his fiancee ok? from past experience she must be looking for attention. does not excuse in anyway her behaviour. i too would feel betrayed. this type of thing can wreck friendships and it sucks!

sillybutannoyed, not silly. your friend is engaged? and she knows how you feel about this other man. is her relationship his fiancee ok? from past experience she must be looking for attention. does not excuse in anyway her behaviour. i too would feel betrayed. this type of thing can wreck friendships and it sucks!

sillybutannoyed, not silly. your friend is engaged? and she knows how you feel about this other man. is her relationship his fiancee ok? from past experience she must be looking for attention. does not excuse in anyway her behaviour. i too would feel betrayed. this type of thing can wreck friendships and it sucks!

sorry for pushing button too many times.... laptop driving me nuts does not send entry immediately

lol, don't worry gravity
I don't think her relationship with her fiance is ok, I know she has cheated on him once before, well once that I know of anyway! I actually don't think that she wants to be with him, but that she is too scared of leaving him ifkwim. They've been together since they were teenagers and have never really known anything else so I think the reality of leaving is too scary for her.
I have to be honest though and say that it really isn' this that I have a problem with - although I do in principle iykwim, I just can't think of anything but her betrayal of me
I'm so sad because I don't know if I can get past this, I have gotton over a lot of things she's done that I don't agree with and I know she has done the same with me...we're best friends so we just do, well we did, I don't think this is something I can 'get over' or forgive, but neither do I want to lose the person who has always supported me in everything in my life - no matter what, I just don't know what to do!

have you spoken to her since last night? - you two sound like youve been through heaps together and that really does make a good friend. maybe just maybe she doesnt realise how much she hurt you or betrayed you last night. is her fiancee nice? regardless of that, she shouldn't go behind his back. this type of thing could get real messy.

Her fiance is too nice! which is why she's gotton away with what she has!!
We have been through a lot together, and she truly has been the one person who's always been there for me and put up with me even when I know she hasn't really agreed with me on what I'm doing. But at the same time, we know each other inside out and as much as I love her, I know she's capable of being underhand and hurtful - I've seen her do it, but never to me until now.
It's hard because I know her so well, I can see why she's doing the things she does, and I think I have an understanding of why she did what she did tonight. but it doesn't make it ok, and it doesn't make it any easier for me.
I'm just really confused about what I should be feeling. because of our relationship I don't think I should be as angry as I am with her, but I am.
I havn't spoken to her, we didn't get home until late, I suspect she's still in bed! lol, but even so I wouldn't have a clue what to say to her right now.

There's no way she doesn't know what she's done, she knows exactly how I feel about this man, she's the only person I've ever been able to talk to about it, so she knows the situation completely. We've sat in with a bottle of wine many a night and analysed it to death! lol

You really do need to tell her how you feel, if she is a good enough friend she will understand. If not, well...

It sucks, doesn't it?

Yeh it really does ss. I know I have to tell her, there is no other way around it. Am dreading it though! I really think this could be the end of what has been a brilliant friendship, or at least the end of it as it has been, and that just makes me so sad, and leaves me wondering if I should be feeling so strongly about it??
After all, I'm not married to him, not in a relationship with him, will almost certainly never have him. Yet am going to let this issue do this to my friendship.
It seems so mad, but I know I can't just forget it so I suppose I'll just have to deal with it

But you're not with this man and you never will be (if I've got this right) so I don't think you should be that cross with your friend: people don't own other people and this man is single and free to do as he chooses. And she's engaged, not married, so this is between her and her conscience I think. Maybe she is having second thoughts about getting married? And if she is it's best she sorts it out now imo. So I don't think you've any right to be angry really. I know anger isn't logical though. It really doesn't sound worth losing a great friend over.

WWW does have a point. I think the worst bit tbh is how she's treating her fiance. But I am soft, and wouldn't like to hurt your feelings if I was your friend so I wouldn't have done this.

sillybut annoyed..I understand totaly. I think your friend is out of order. She should have known how this would make you feel. She could have come to you and said she was getting on well with him and how would you feel if....

Also she is engaged does this mean nothing to her?

You're right www, and I know that, I've been trying to tell myself that all morning! I really don't have any real right to be angry with her, and I don't want to lose a good friend for no good reason. but as you say anger is irrational, and I can't shake the feeling of betrayal.
I just feel so stupid about it all.
I don't think I can be 'normal' with her when she calls me today, I think I need to tell her how I feel about it all, but I don't know how!?
I feel completely irrational and don't want to seem stupid and neurotic! lol

she will be able to tell that you are unhappy and then you will be able to tell her why. Say I know its stupid..but..........

Yes, you're probably right auntymandy. I think I'm probably tying myself in knots over this when I needn't be. I guess I'm just so shocked that she did it knowing how I'd feel about it.

I'd be annoyed with her. It's insensitive and disloyal to you, especially as you have confided so much to her about him and your feelings.

Agree with others that he's not yours, that she isn't married yet, etc. and that gives both of them a freedom to act as they wish. Can also understand that perhaps she's having doubts about her engagement, and if that's the case she needs to address that issue. But, as I read it, she was at the gathering due to your invitation. If she found herself attracted to this man, then she should have had the courtesy/sensitivity/consideration/respect for you to talk about it before she acted on it.

Think the thing that would bother me most is that she seems to have had a one night stand with him (based on your description). It's thoughtless, impulsive and inconsiderate to you. Now, if she was interested in him longterm (or in exploring that possibility), then you really would have to stand aside and let her proceed as you have no claim on either of them. But, it doesn't appear that they're exploring the possibility of being together - they've just gone off for a shag.

Last question - if you have a long/deep history with this man, surely he knows that she is your best/oldest friend? Why do you not feel any anger toward him for being so insensitive?

Thanks earlybird, it's good to know I'm not totally mad! lol
I hadn't even realised that I wasn't angry with him until you pointed that out!!
I don't really know why, I suppose because I really don't have any place in his life, what happened between us was a long time ago, and what has become of it is just a friendship because we both realised we couldn't make a relationship out of it.
It is completely mad but I feel like I have a right to be angry with her because she really knows me and how I feel. I don't know that he would know that now.
Also he has actually never met my friend until tonight and I'm not entirely sure he realised who she was, although he knew about her iykwim.

Thats very spot on, sobernow. I am worried and have been worried about what I see as classic low self esteem issues with my friend. The worst outcome being that she won't contemplate leaving a man it is glaringly obvious she doesn't want to be with because she is too afraid of being alone.
He is a lovely person and what she is doing is so wrong for both of them. As I said earlier, she has cheated before in exactly the same way, she does 'throw' herself at men in a completely destructive way.
Maybe she really just couldn't see past what she wanted there and then to realise what she was doing would have this outcome?? I don't know, I just don't know if I can be so close to someone that would disregard me to get what she wanted like that. I care about her a lot, but I don't know if I care enough to be hurt like this because she has problems?

Sorry, I keep saying tonight when it should be 'last night' lol, I havn't been to sleep so it's all just merged into one! lol
Sorry if it's confusing!

Mumsnet is great for this! It is so good to get different perspectives on this, and I really have no-on else to talk to about it.
Sobernow, I hadn't even stopped to think about my own issues with this, and of course you are right, I do have issues, and yes I probably would have been jealous of any woman he had got together with last night.
Although he has had a serious relationship since what happened between us, and I was genuinely happy for him then.
I think it was because it was happening in front of me that my jealousy came into it.
I am jealous of her, am jealous of what happened between them, but I am genuinely hurt by her disreagard of my feelings. I really think that there was one person there last night that knew how much I'd be hurt by this and she did it anyway.

But what about his part in this? Surely he knows what happened between you and that it would hurt you if he made approaches to your friend?

It's easy to blame your friend, but I don't think the man in question is entirely innocent in the disregard for your feelings.