Competitive DH or being paranoid

[cakeeyedmonster]

Namechanged for this 'cos if you all tell me I'm being ridiculous I will want to disappear.

Quick background: My DH is good at everything and anything he puts his mind to. Basically anything that can learnt from a book he can do, and do well. Think international geek prizes etc. I'm a jack of all trades. Not great at anything but can get by at most things.

So last year I decided to start a Christmas tradition. I was going to bake a Christmas cake at Halloween, feed it and then decorate it for Christmas to take to the IL's. We always spend Christmas with them (tense but not an issue) but I wanted to start a Christmas tradtion for our house rather than it all being their traditions.

About 2 weeks before Christmas, DH decided he wanted to make a Christmas cake. So he researched recipes, did trial cakes and baked one. So we ended up going with 2 cakes. Everyone enjoyed them both. They were very different - mine was classic Delia with iced decorations, his was more experimental and no decorations.

This year my parents are having a big Christmas party this weekend, so at Halloween I did 2 cakes, one for my parents party and one to take to the IL's. I was also asked to bring another different cake (that tastes fab ). Last night, DH decided he wants to bake his Christmas cake again, and made one for my parents party as well. So again, we'll be turning up with 2 Christmas cakes plus another cake. And the plan is to do both for the IL's as well.

I just feel really pissed off because baking used to be my thing. It is one thing I'm actually good at. So why does he need to do it as well? And why a Christmas cake? Am I just being paranoid? My mental health isn't great at the moment so maybe I'm just over-reacting. It is lovely to have lots of yummy things to eat. I sound so stupidly juvenile "he's copying me" rubbish. Tell me how to stop being so completely pathetic.

(Sorry for the essay)

My DH is quite competitive too so I can see where you're coming from. I just make fun of him when he tries to compete with me and he takes it in good grace because he knows what he's like :)

I can see how this would get on your nerves. Have you asked him why he thinks it's necessary to bake two cakes? Are there other ways in which he competes with you? It could be totally innocent in the sense that he might just want to join in with the process, but if you honestly feel he's belittling your efforts or trying to outdo you then there could be an issue with respect - do you feel that there is?

does he bake any other time of the year? birthday cakes for example, to be honest i would let him carry on he will prob get bored of doing it next year, either that or suggest he does more in the kitchen seeing as he is now taking an interest, or 3rd option sabatage his cake so that everyone hates it !!!!!only joking!

I can think of 2 reasons for him doing this: 1)he's competitive--it's a weird thing to be competitive about but whatever. I've found that with people who do this the best thing to do is ignore it, act like there is no competition, you've each baked your own cakes and that's fabulous. Reason 2)he thinks the cake making looks like fun and wants to join in, in which case, also ignore.

I would find this annoying TBH. I'd think, Get your own tradition!! But I don't think there is much you can do without causing a row.

Thanks for understanding.

I don't think he does it in a malicious way. He is really good to me and the DC's. I'm just feeling vulnerable and it just rankles a bit. I know I need to get over myself.

And don't think I haven't thought of sabotage but he is the type where he will keep on until he gets something perfect, so my best way to stop him might be to make it fabulous!

I'd ask him if he fancied making a gingerbread house/lebukuchen/cookies/mince pies to take instead. Sounds like he saw you enjoying doing special baking, but didn't think laterally to what else could be made

I think I'd have a word. I'd be upset if dh did the same to me.

Fil started baking after he was made redundant. It really upset my mil who up until that point had done all the baking, cooking everything else including all the driving apart from the decorating.

Funny, since she died, he hasn't done any baking. Claims he's too busy. doing all the stuff mil used to do.

Umm, this really is kind of a looney post imho. I understand you are feeling wobbly at the moment and I am sorry for that. In my opinion you are way, way overthinking this and overreacting, no matter the background of him being competitive!

have you actually talked to him about it?

If you stopped making the Christmas cake and started a different tradition, do you think he'd follow suit?

God, my Dh is like this. I start a hobby and work at it, then suddenly he decides to get involved, and all I hear is 'God, I did that brilliantly, didn't I'. 'Are you impressed by what I did there'. Now I am very strict about him not getting involved in anything I enjoy doing - and I've told him why. He still tries it on, but I tell him to butt out. It takes the enjoyment out of everything.

I get where you're coming from, but I don't know where your DH is coming from - and nor it seems do you.

I totally understand that you've found something for you, that you're good at, and the results of which you can share with people (and perhaps get a bit of praise or appreciation for?). Now your DH, who is naturally talented at everything, has seen what you're doing, rocked up and made it his thing too. Your efforts and pleasure in what you're doing are thus diluted.

Now if your DH is doing it because he is competitive, or wants to improve or wants to join in ... who knows. He might be uber competitive and alpha and desperate to be the best, he might just be so incredibly interested in everything that he wants to give it all a go.

The thing is, if you said to him, "look I am really enjoying having something for me , do you think you could butt out please and go and do all those other things you're great at, which I don't even try to emulate," would he understand, or would it result in strife?

If you can't talk to him about it, agree you find another form of baking you want to do, and if he then leaps into that, you have the opportunity to challenge him on why he has to keep taking over the thing that you're doing.

Either that or get into astro-physics. Start chatting string theory with his best mate or parents, and see how he likes that...

Werewolf, a different tradition - maybe like doing a big tree? Last year he bought another one to put on the house with lights. Or running? He goes out more than I do and is much, much faster. Or swimming? That's the one he's just started. When we go swimming with the children, he's the one who disappears to do a few lengths while I don't have time because the DC's are already cold and bored.

I have tried talking to him but I just feel like a massive killjoy. All the things he does he has good reasons for doing. It just happens that they all happen to be things I do. And then he is better than me at them all. I don't know why I bother doing anything really. He has it all covered.

Getting better at astro-physics would be hard - guess what he wanted to do is PhD in!

his PhD in. - obviously.

OP, I might have guessed! He is a bit of an all-round over achiever your DH isn't he.

It clearly is about more than the cake thing. I'm wondering how he has the time to do all this stuff, but perhaps it's because you are doing childcare while he can be a polymath and superstar athlete.

For a start, it's not on that he gets to have a proper swim and you don't - that's not about someone being better than someone else, that's about sharing childcare to enable you both to have a bit of leisure time.

You say he has good reasons for doing all the stuff that he does. What are his reasons for eg baking the cake? Most people would love to have time to devote to something like that, but if you're already doing it, I don't see that his reasons are better than yours.

For you, what about getting out of the house once a week to an evening class - he has to stay to be with the dc, so you get to do it on your own. You don't even have to tell him what you're doing it in, if that would result in him reading up on it all anyway.

Errm-I am I the only one who would let him take over and do the cakes on his own next year? After all ( nd I am designated cale baker in our family-orange and almond particularly requested) surely there are better things you could be doing??

LadyG, why should OP let him take over? She wanted to start a tradition, she got lots of pleasure from doing so, enjoyed having a hobby of her own. Why should she hand over something she enjoys to her DH, who has lots of hobbies of his own?

His reasons aren't better than mine, he just puts his interests forward better than I do. I'm just being a doormat really. He is so good with the DC's, does a lot of the housework as I'm exhausted (first trimester pg) and just has more time than me. There isn't much time to do anything when you are going to bed at 8:30pm. Hopefully soon I'll come out of this and will be able to do stuff again.

It is hard living with someone who is fabulous at everything they put their mind to. I just have to find the things he wouldn't even bother with. I did ballet for a long while (please don't say anything if you know me) but had to give it up recently for very valid and non-martyrish reasons. Haven't found anything to replace it yet. Baking clearly isn't it.

LadyG, I'm going to suggest that for next year. He can make the cake and I'll decorate it. Best of both worlds, maybe? But how would you feel if someone decided that they would make the orange and almond cake next time?

I wish you'd announced that you wouldn't be doing Christmas cake this year, as his are so good - then you'd know whether he's doing it for the creative satisfaction or to put you down!

I'm pretty sure I can guess which it is. But let's assume, for the minute, he's merely a bit stupid and weirdly driven to be 'best' at everything. I'd recommend starting your improvement programme with an intense interest in parenting, relationship building and family dynamics. This will prompt him to know more than you and be better at it, yes? So everyday life should improve for you all

From there, I suspect your best approach is to think of yourself as unattached. I don't mean run off and have affairs, but conduct your life in your own best interests, leaving him more or less out of it. Say you decide to join an art class. Your H will, no doubt, become a 'better' artist than you, but this won't matter because art is about self-expression and no-one can express your self better than you! (I chose art because the principle's so clear, but it applies to anything you do for yourself.)

He really sounds like a dork, to put it nicely. Start thinking for yourself - and be manipulative: I can't believe I'm saying that! Once you've got him being a good parent and family man, and are back in touch with your own interests & feelings, you can have a rethink about the rest of your life if needed. Good luck.

oh OP, sorry to hear you are so tired. it will pass... not much fun when your day ends half way through the evening.

do you think you might, eventually, find something that you and your DH could do together (properly together, not him taking the lead), or with your dcs? Even if it's doing a jigsaw or playing a card game that won't be totally one sided once you have more of an evening back.

Just read your last. You are definitely pussyfooting around his ego too much. Avoid entering into the competitive spirit; he can compete by himself if he likes, but you don't have to play. Just set your own standards for your own activities.

Did you, by any chance, post some time back about a cake-icing demonstration??

Are you me?

My DH is 'good at everything' too. Its a running joke in between us that all he has to do is read a book to become an expert in something. Sometimes I think he doesn't actually have to read all the book, but the knowledge seems to seep into his hands somehow!

Anyway, my DH has a tendancy to do whatever I do better than me as well. I have told him in no uncertain terms to stop competing with me. I do things because I enjoy doing them, and if he gets all competitive then I will stop. So he will have to all the work in the house and I will just sit and drink coffee all day!

He has got the message now, but every so often I do have to remind him that 'whatever' is my thing and not his.

I've been out. Just read your post of 12.58.

No posts about icing demo's - sorry.

Our running joke is that I buy the book and DH becomes the expert! Most of the time I can laugh about it but first trimester madness has taken over atm.

One thing he can't compete with is pregnancy. Although he has read all the books!

What a pity he didn't decide to give birth better than you, it really would have saved you a lot of pain!!!!

If he is very competitive there's not a lot you can do. I think the pregnancy thing has made him want to get in on the domestic act. Frankly, just leave him to it, easy to say, not so easy to do.

I know where you are coming from, I used to have a mate and if you did or owned anythig she had to have it bigger/cheaper/better etc etc until there was no joy in playing iwth Sindy, one just had to admire how she had EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Let him ice the cake, let him do everything, put your feet up and read a book. If he keeps going on about his cleverness just ask him when he is going to start playing. football on the head of a pin and when you will become irrelevant to his life and can go off on a long holiday by yourself.