Competitive DH or being paranoid

[cakeeyedmonster]

Namechanged for this 'cos if you all tell me I'm being ridiculous I will want to disappear.

Quick background: My DH is good at everything and anything he puts his mind to. Basically anything that can learnt from a book he can do, and do well. Think international geek prizes etc. I'm a jack of all trades. Not great at anything but can get by at most things.

So last year I decided to start a Christmas tradition. I was going to bake a Christmas cake at Halloween, feed it and then decorate it for Christmas to take to the IL's. We always spend Christmas with them (tense but not an issue) but I wanted to start a Christmas tradtion for our house rather than it all being their traditions.

About 2 weeks before Christmas, DH decided he wanted to make a Christmas cake. So he researched recipes, did trial cakes and baked one. So we ended up going with 2 cakes. Everyone enjoyed them both. They were very different - mine was classic Delia with iced decorations, his was more experimental and no decorations.

This year my parents are having a big Christmas party this weekend, so at Halloween I did 2 cakes, one for my parents party and one to take to the IL's. I was also asked to bring another different cake (that tastes fab ). Last night, DH decided he wants to bake his Christmas cake again, and made one for my parents party as well. So again, we'll be turning up with 2 Christmas cakes plus another cake. And the plan is to do both for the IL's as well.

I just feel really pissed off because baking used to be my thing. It is one thing I'm actually good at. So why does he need to do it as well? And why a Christmas cake? Am I just being paranoid? My mental health isn't great at the moment so maybe I'm just over-reacting. It is lovely to have lots of yummy things to eat. I sound so stupidly juvenile "he's copying me" rubbish. Tell me how to stop being so completely pathetic.

(Sorry for the essay)

I know this is the wrong board, but YANBU. Sounds like, at best, your DH is being a bit thoughtless. Not sure how talking about it would go, can imagine he would struggle to see your POV. Think Grace has it when she says you just have to work out how to 'separate' yourself from him, in a healthy way- do what you enjoy and makes you happy, and if he does it too, so what? It won't take anything away from you unless you let it.

I think he's being very competitive and childish. And silly.

Know what you mean but don't have any real advice. Realised just how competitive my now ex was when he started verbally attacking me while we were exercising together and it turned out that I had more stamina than him! His behaviour was shockingly extreme in that example and I just took the micky.

Reading your post has brought this back and is yet another reason he is my ex. Looking back it's shocking to see just what the dynamic was in the relationship. I've given up at the first hurdle when ex was simply better than me in everything and hated it to the point of creating rows if, and it didn't happen often, I was better than him!

Interestingly, I think he picked the things he competed about because I can remember some things where he was completely uninterested in trying.

Maybe you should become v v interested in cleaning the house to an incredibly high standard...

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about. I need to find a way to separate and do my own thing. And toughen up a bit.

Sadly when I did start doing lots of housework (flylady stuff), he stopped doing any. Maybe I'll just have to start enjoying it and that can be my thing.

I really sympathise with you OP - my ex was just like this and it was exhaustingly undermining. I ended up feeling I was no good at anything.

He even took up knitting when I was pregnant. He didn't have any interests of his own and just seemed to take over mine.

I found it hard to find the energy to deal with this issue because as soon as I'd pointed out his competitiveness regarding one thing ( knitting fgs), he'd turn his attention to competing with me about something else.

He was so much better than me at certain things - DIY, car maintenance, decorating etc, and I constantly told him he was but it made no difference - I don't know why he was compelled to do it.

So frustrating & sorry I don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy for you.

OP on no account become very interested or good at housework!!

I think I would become very good at lying in bed reading novels. That could definitely be my thing.

Hmm. It does sound to me as though he doesn't like women very much and can't stand the idea of one being better than him at anything. Except housework, because that's what women are for, of course...

Knitting - check!

Having thought really hard about this. It isn't that he wants to be better than anyone (especially me) it is just that he wants to know if he can do it and do it well. Annoyingly generally he can!

He does have different success criteria though and I need to focus harder on that. So with the cakes. He experiments with the recipe until he has it just right. Then he'll probably give up. I stick with a recipe that everyone likes and focus on decoration. With knitting, he felt that making a pair of gloves would be the hardest thing he could do, so once he did that he stopped. I have knitted loads of different things, hard, easy whatever as long as it is beautiful and gives pleasure.

I'm sorry if it comes over that he doesn't like women being better than him. Please believe me, it isn't that at all. The housework thing was just that we work together to do things round the house when we see them. I was just doing everything (well enough of the basics to keep us happy) so he didn't need to do it.

I'm going to disappear now. I've going to have a girly 24 hours with my sisters in London. Let's see how much he gets done with the DC's around all the time.

Name-changed for this as it's too personal but

Fast-forward 22 years

You no longer have any hobbies

You no longer join any clubs

You no longer cook the interesting meals, just the mundane fodder

You no longer participate in LIFE

etc, etc.

All because you now feel there is no point.

Good for you that you are questiioning this and will do something about it.

Have a lovely day with your sisters!

WaterLikeAStone - you have just described my married life . I did something about it and am just starting on the road to recovery which is why, like you, I feel strongly about someone in a similar situation. Imho, it's anything but trivial.

I had a boyfriend who was very competitive with me (particularly when we used to play Scrabble). Eventually I came to the conclusion it was a power struggle - I think some people are a bit low on confidence and feel the need to prove themselves by being better than their partner. Interestingly, my DH is competitive - but not with me! We acknowledge each other's strengths and don't try to muscle in. It just feels like a much more comfortable relationship.

I am a competitive man, I have even made similar mistake: once getting tangled up in foolish competitive scrambled eggs which seemed great fun to me (yes, yes, I realise now )

so here's my suggestion for dealing with this--

This year quit the cake and make a pudding - an extravagent, no-holds barred, extraordinary show-off pudding with show-off ingredients, iranian honeyed dates, tasmanian organic dried cherries sourced from harrods, Namibian Figs, that kind of thing...

don't tell DH about it this properly (ie the pudding doesn't need to be secret, but the specialness of it is!)

On the day itself big-up your pudding like you are Graham Norton. Have anecdotes about sourcing the ingredients. everyone will be well impressed.

this will have two effects

1. distract attention from DH's familiar cake (yes, dear it's lovely.. but what about that pudding)
2. NEXT year DH will make a pudding, and you can go happily back to cake making.

stubbornhubby