I think I'm leaving DH??

[anothernewname09]

I can't be in this marriage any longer. I have tried so hard to fit the role, but I just can't do it any longer.

It has been pretty amicable, I think deep down we both knew it wasn't perfect from the start.

I have been walking around in a daze for two days, I can't eat and I feel floaty .......

I have know idea how I go about this, I guess I will need to get a job but I don't know how much childcare is, or if I'm entiltled to any help. I really don't want to work full time.

I'm so fucking stupid, I don't even know which insurance company my car is with!

I came straight out of Cambridge and got married and then had a baby. I'm 23, and couldn't tell you how much a sofa costs.

Please tell me I'm going to be okay, and I can make it??

you are going to be fine and yes you will make it.
go and speak to citizens advice they will tell you exactly what you are entitled to.
take it one day at a time and try not to do everything at once or you feel like you are sinking.

good luck

YES, you'll be fine.

Single mums get loads of help - you'll be able to get housing benefit for your rent, income support/job seeks while you look for a job - and when you find a job, you'll be able to get tax credits to help you with your childcare costs.

I can't offer you much advice about marriage breakdowns or what to do next, coz I've always been on my own (my DS is now 3)

Good luck, and believe me, you will be okay x

DH (god, need to stop calling him that) has said that he will rent me a house for me an DD and will pay her school fees.

He said this is more than what ge has to give me (rent for small house in our area would be between 800 and 1000 per month).

I don't want to take everything from him at all, he is a descent man, but can he really dictate what he will spend his maintenance money on???

Fuck this is scary and shit....

not sure on that one but ask on the legal matters threads on this and you will get great advice.

yes its scary but take your time and get all the facts before you agree to anything.

use this website as often as you need as it will get you therough all the tough times and the women on here have really great advice

Sorry to hear that you are in this position :( but it does sound like you have made a good decision.

You will need to ring up to find out what he would pay if you went through the CSA and decide for yourself.

However and it's a BIG however I would go through the CSA and get the money that way. Then he has no say in how you spend it. I would not want him still having any control over me.

If you want DD to stay at the same school you can either come to an arrangement whereby you pay a percentage and he pays the rest or if you feel he can afford it and your local school is fine - he can pay for it. The CSA is the minimum, he can still pay for other things for his daughter.

You might end up with less money - but you would be in control of your own life and frankly, to me, that is priceless.

There is a lot of help out there for single mums, both support and financial - it's just a matter of finding out where to get it from - others will be along to help you with that.

Take care x

Have literally just been talking to him, and told him I don't know anything about how to go about this. He said he does??

Luckily he owns another cottage in the next village that is normally rented out, but the tenants are on a gap year type thing and are paying a peppercorn rent so that they don't lose it for when they return. He has tol me he will email them to say I'm going to move into it untill after new year, when we can sort things out properly.

I feel like I have failed everybody again especially DD. She will never have the perfect life I worked so hard to try to give her.

I only did this for her, even before she was born, she was the reason I married him

so, is your name not on the deeds tot he house you currently own?

Thanks ChippingIn.

DD is not yet school age. If I stay in this area I would be happy for her to go to the local state school.

You are right, I need to be in charge, I'm not a child, and don't need to be treated like one.
Now I just need to find a way to tell him that....

Thank you everybody that has took time to talk to me, I really need it. When does this sick feeling go away?

why doesn't he move out.

please get over this 'he's a decent man' shit - he might be right now, but once hes fucked another woman, got married again and sprogged off a couple of kids, this will be different I PROMISE YOU. so take all you can get, if you jointly own the house - get legal advie and get him to move out and pay the mortgage.

upon your child reaching 18. sell the house and split the proceeds. please firm this up legally.

seriously, it's a harsh world out there and whilst he has his hand on your life financially, he will still be able to rule your decisions remotely.

you will be back here in a year saying that you want to do X,Y,Z, but your ex h has threatened to not pay the rent on your flat, house whatever, which means that you will have to get a full time job at tesco and your child has to go into full time childcare, whilst you are sitting in a B&B awaiting council housing.

the Big Issue people always say that we aren't as far from homelessness as we think...so THINK. this is for the security of your child.

whilst not paying school fees would be disasterous, not having enough for a roof over your head would be worse.

so if your name is on the deeds to that mortgage you have right now ffs don't move out

Custardo. No, he owned both houses before I met him. There was talk of changing things but I was not worried as we were married and had joint accounts so knew ge couldn't and wouldn't leave me high and dry. We have only been married 2 years in January. And we never fit round to putting my name on deeds. Just never got round toit. God, I sound like a mug.

I will have to move out (and will be happy to) as all the offices and studios he uses for work are attached to the main house.

Listen to Custardo, they are making a LOT of sense. Why do YOU have to move, why not him? Get a legal advice, try and be civil for the sake of your DD but not a fool! You obviously have access to the internet - use it and find out your rights!!!
Good luck

PLEASE PLEASE seek legal advice - whats his doesn't automatically stay his - you are married.

unless you signed a pre-nup A court could order the sale of a property and apportion the proceeds between both parties in any way it chooses. Or it could split the ownership differently so that one party retains an interest in the property until a later date. It could order a lump sum to be paid, endowment or life policy to be split or reassigned and the pension pot could also be allocated differently. It can also consider any inheritance if it seems that two properties cannot be bought with the declared financial assets.

Some of the court's considerations :
The welfare of a child of the family
The income, earning capacity, property and resources of each person
The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities of each person
The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage.
The age of each person and the duration of the marriage
Any physical or mental disability
The contribution made by each person to the welfare of the family, including looking after the home and bringing up children.
The conduct of each person, but only if it is so bad it would be unfair to ignore it. This is only in very exceptional cases.
The court may also decide whether a clean break is appropriate.

i have no legal training, but this sin't clear cut - you must nod to your dh and make all the right noises - then quick as a flash get yourself down to a solicitor, you could potentially be losing out on hundreds of thousands of pounds for your child

If he owned both houses pre-marriage, anothernewname is not on the deeds and presumably hasn't contributed to the mortgage, isn't she on a hiding to nothing here? Yes, she might get something but in your shoes I'd do what I did with first H (sort of like you but managed to be married with 2 DCs and clueless at 23) and just go. It's easier, and at this stage you need easy. There's a lot to be said for avoiding conflict. If you have his goodwill that will make your life a hell of a lot easier.

Don't beat yourself up about it - you're young, you'll be fine, your DD will be fine. Don't rush anything, don't feel guilty.

You don't say why you are leaving; not my business to ask your reasons, but surely your DH could see that it's in his daughter's interest for her to stay in the house she sees as her home?

Don't agree to anything or even enter into discussion until you've found out your rights; contact CAB, solicitor, MN legal - find out what's reasonable for you to expect and good luck.

I don't mind moving out. I hate this house and he does HAVE to stay here. I have text my lawyer (luckily he is a friend also) and I'm hopefully meeting him tomorrow. He has basically said that he has to give X amount of money per month based on his earnings. I have access to all bank accounts and know exactly how much he earns so this will be fine.

Lawyer also said that I could possibly be entitled to the same assests as if I was on deeds. Something to do with position of trust?? And that there was no pre-nup.

Will find out more tomorrow. Feel calmer having spoke to lawyer. Just feel sorry for DD now.

by running the home and raising his child you have contributed to the home, and therefore could ( i think) get something

oh good!

good luck

WhatsWrongWithYou- I'm not the wife he wants. And if I'm honest he is not the man I want either. Nothing bad to be honest it wasn't far off an arranged marriage, we were introduced by relatives . I thought I loved him, I never lied when I got married. Now I know I was in love with the idea of being his wife. And, let me tell you, it looked a whole lot prettier from the outside .....

another read Custy's posts again before you go and speak to your lawyer OK.

• Do not let H bully you into things that aren't right because he is 'older & knows better' or any other bs.

• They were his houses - you are married now, with no pre-nup.

I don't know how to say this without it sounding money grabbing - but will have a shot at it....

He is her father (well I assume so?) and he is responsible for her as well.

He has a legal & moral obligation to support her.

Get what you can now because otherwise it will be too late. He will move on. He will try to get away with giving her as little as he can and control you as much as he can. Don't let it happen.

The sick feeling will come and go.

It will go entirely when you have everything sorted out, a nice place for you and DD and your life in your own hands.

You are young, you have a wonderful life ahead of you - this is but a blip in the road x

first of all am sorry to hear you are going through this, I did this too left my partner with a one year old child and pregnant with another. It did get better , and has been tough but you are young enough to really make something good and positive out this hell, as it may seem now

Although it is scary he seems like he wants to help. Him paying the rent though may put you out of pocket and control of yours and dd's progress. as long as he is paying the rent you won't be seen as a single mum so although that is a generous offer it is something he could withdraw or use as a tool when you do start getting life on track. I think you would be better to find somewhere and be in single mum status, which you won't be able to do if he is paying your rent. Then if he wants to pay the school fees and give the difference or pay something else, that would be better for you.

Really tough time, but no he can't dictate it..if you are becoming a single mum and you want to work, (or not, don't know) the government dictates where the money goes. It will affect your rights if he dictates and you accept.Sorry to hear you have these decisions to make but if you both agreed this has to happen you need to start a life you have a say in from the beginning.

DD is young and will adjust. Although it will be hard it will be better to live happily with one parent than unhappily with two.

Just wanted to say a big thankyou to everybody. Especially Custardo and any others who gave me a kick up the arse. Am meeting lawyer tomorrow, and am so glad I came on here. Feel like I have shook off the fog and can see clearly now.

Feel exhausted now and think it is relief.

Thankyou for giving me your time x

another you are getting some excellent practical advice here. I'm glad.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is the reason, the real reason that you are leaving, how did you reach this conclusion. What was the straw that broke the camel's back?

How old is your DD?

I'll be honest with you, I worry that the marriage issue is not the main issue here, I think you may be depressed. You are unforgiving of yourself, blaming yourself for this and condemning your DD to a ruined life due to your messing it up.

Your depression could BE the reason you want to get out of the situation you are in.

Are you crying for no reason at any time for example? Has your sleep pattern changed recently? Has your appetite changed dramatically? Do you have problems concentrating? Could you be depressed?

You have your whole life ahead of you, whatever happens, you will get through this.

Erm, I have no symptoms of depression. I havnt slept much the last two nights but that is because of this.

DD is 16 months, never had an PND feelings.

I didn't want to out this on here because I am going to get a proper flaming, but.......I married him because he is a millionaire. That's the long and the short of it. I was pregnant before I got married (although not when the date was set).

The straw that broke the camels back. I stood at a party 3 weeks ago tomorrow and knew I couldn't do it anymore. I don't like this life of fakeness. On the way home I asked him if I could work part time or something, use my degree, he said it would look bad on him. He told me if I needed mire fulfilment I should learn from so and so what it is to be the perfect wife. He told me I walked into this with my eyes open and I knew there would be no chance of me working.
I am NOT depressed, just young and foolish. We will be fine