I think I'm leaving DH??

[anothernewname09]

I can't be in this marriage any longer. I have tried so hard to fit the role, but I just can't do it any longer.

It has been pretty amicable, I think deep down we both knew it wasn't perfect from the start.

I have been walking around in a daze for two days, I can't eat and I feel floaty .......

I have know idea how I go about this, I guess I will need to get a job but I don't know how much childcare is, or if I'm entiltled to any help. I really don't want to work full time.

I'm so fucking stupid, I don't even know which insurance company my car is with!

I came straight out of Cambridge and got married and then had a baby. I'm 23, and couldn't tell you how much a sofa costs.

Please tell me I'm going to be okay, and I can make it??

Get your friend to help you get the best lawyer you can.

He will get another wife
He will have other children

You need a GOOD lawyer NOW x

No flaming - we were all young once - sadly it's a dim distant memory now

Don't forget that you were very young and he knew what he was doing as well - don't let him off the hook. Don't let him turn you into a struggling single Mum while he lives the life of riley - I don't care he had the money before he had you, you weren't a Mum before he got your pregnant and as lovely as she is, she has changed your life and must also change HIS.

DO make sure you get a good lawyer. This man thinks he has bought you and he wants to make sure you continue to obey him.

Oh another, I am so sorry. I am so glad to hear that you are right in yourself though. That's one less thing to get in your way!

No wonder you feel down though. What a horrific situation.

Sweetheart, you are so young, and this may seem like the end of the world, but it's not. We all do things when we are in our 20s that we think are for the best.

Hell, we do things in our 30s and 40s and beyond that we think are for the best.. but somehow it doesn't turn out how we hoped it would.

I wanted to be with my 'H' more than anything, but I didn't see that my relationship was highly defective, that the man is flawed, and that I was being abused.

I had DS almost 5 yrs ago, and don't regret it for a second. I regret giving him such a shit father. I hate myself for that. But who knows what will happen in the future. Not got too many high hopes, I'm rapidly approaching double your age, but I still hope that my life still has plenty of time for me to find happiness.

I do know now though that I'll never find it if I'm not happy with myself.

I don't like the sound of this guy, Controlling MUCH? no chance of you working? not even for charity or what have you? HOW exactly would that look BAD on him?

Honey, you may be feeling crap about yourself, but you are doing so without foundation. You have spotted a trap, and are wriggling out of it.

Bloody good for you!!

Many people would just sell their soul for the lifestyle, and just allow themselves to be consumed and eaten up by it, sacrificing their lives and joy for a gold card and a shiny car.

You are one bright girl, that is for sure. You have worked out in a very short space of time that all that glitters is not gold and that there is more to life than money.

You are married, there is no pre-nup, you have a solicitor, and you have rights to a decent maintenance arrangement. As you say, you have access to his financials, so you know what is what.

Get copies of this btw, in a safe place too, out of his reach, as it is not unheard of for men to suddenly lose their money...

You will be fine, you are young, but you are NOT foolish. Not anymore!

good for you another

Keep posting, ask us anything you like, we're here for you.

I can't believe how nice all you guys are being! Thankyou.

Anyway felt much better today. My and DD slept in a different room together and had the best nights sleep in ages!

Unfortunately, we need to start telling people, rather than living in this house in a bubble. To be honest we are pretty much snowed in so haven't seen anybody anyway. So I'm going to call my parents today. They are going to be so disappointed.

I text some college friends late last night and some were shocked, some weren't, some thought it was terrible and some were pleased!! Different folks an all that!

Don´t forget though-it doesn´t matter what others think!

Good luck to you!

Goodness, marrying someone for money is the least worse thing you can do at 23

Yes, you now need to secure the financial safety for your child through a solicitor.

And then you need to get a job and a new life as this one wasn't for you

another NO-ONE has the right to pout or be disappointed if you are miserable.

If anyone raises so much as an eyebrow and is anything less than 100% supportive, seriously, re-evaluate that relationship. Distance them, no matter who they are. Until they are prepared to support your decisions, keep them at arms length.

Mind you, I think that you are being harsh on yourself and therefore you may be underestimating your parents. I hope that they do support you emotionally, and tell you what we all know to be true, that it will be OK.

We ALL of us make mistakes. None of us have lived a perfect life.

You went into this thinking you could make it work, but you were wrong. You are doing the right thing in putting right that mistake. You have not made this decision lightly, and it would seem that despite your youth you have now made a wholly sensible and right decision. Your daughter will be no less your H's daughter than she is now, he will still have a responsibility to ensure that her needs are met and that she is provided for.

Interesting that you say some people were PLEASED! I get the feeling they knew your H better than those that were shocked?

I think you have had a lucky escape tbh. Now you need to make sure that when you leave you do not miss out on what you need to move on.

They were pleased because they miss me spending time with them, which is harder to do with the baby and the fact I live further from them now.
It's not because H is a bad person. He never lied about the person he wanted to marry. He wanted somebody that was content with homemaking and somebody that would be happy with running the day to day bits.

I was blinded by the rock on my finger and the fact that he had "choose" me.

He has not changed. I have.

I don't want to be his secretary, and I find him dull. I just want DD to enjoy life and not have to live up to his expectations. I don't want her to not experience real life.

Does YOUR happiness and fulfilment mean so little to him? Will he insist you stay at home even if it's making you miserable? That is not a man to be with.

What expectations would he have for your DD, for her to grow up and not be allowed to be anymore than a homemaker?

If it is her choice, your choice that's fine, but what if she wants more?

Don't beat yourself up, please. You tried to conform, you couldn't. That is no failing of YOURS. His inability to revise his demands of his wife in the face of her misery is a massive FAILING of HIS.

You are married, so the fact that your name isn't on the deeds isn't (particularly) important. If you weren't married you would be stuffed financially, but as it is all the marital property (including the family home -- ESPECIALLY the family home) is up for division in the divorce settlement. I can't imagine your H doesn't know that. When he says that renting a house and paying school fees is more than he'd have to pay you he may be right, in terms of monthly outgoings, but he's overlooking (deliberately, I suspect) the fact that you'd almost certainly get a large lump sum and/or the right to stay in the family home on top of the monthly payment, and that if you are happy with the local state school for your DD then paying money for her private school fees instead of for her clothes, food, shoes etc. isn't actually a huge help.

Get good legal advice and get yourself into a situation where you are as independent from him as possible (i.e. one where there is a settlement up front and then regular child support payments, rather than one where he pays some of your bills (e.g. rent and school fees) directly).

Use the university career centre to help get you back on your feet. I think they will be very sympathetic.

Consider moving nearer your parents if they can provide some childcare - even if its just back up.

I would get good legal advice and take you and your DD away from such a controlling man. He will find another "victim" soon and probably leave you alone.

You shouldn't feel bad that you no longer want what he always said he wanted for you - the life of a homemaker.

This is life, not an essay; there's no requirement to take a position and stick with it to the bitter end. People and circumstances change, we realise we haven't necessarily made the best decisions and adjust our views accordingly.

Maybe it was reasonable of him at the time to tell you what he expected - but it's unreasonable to insist on sticking to it when it's clearly no longer what you want.

You couldn't see into the future, I'm sure you made what you thought was the best decision for you at the time, but if he's refusing to budge on his 'demands' he's behaving unreasonably in the very least.

Again, don't feel bad that you can't be the 'wife' he demands.

Have you called your parents yet? I am sure they will be disappointed, but surely only disappointed that you are unhappy and want to leave - not disappointed in you???

I hope you can move back to be near your friends and get 'your' life back. It's horrible to be living someone elses life.

Just an update as a couple of people have asked how I got on.

Basically even though my name is not on the deeds I am entitled to 50% of the sale price ( minus lawyers and moving fees) or, if the house is not sold, 1/3 of the value price (to take into account the costs that would be incurred if H did sell the house at a later date.)

The courts would try to ensure that DD would be provided for as close to the same as if we remained together as possible. Although it is hard to prove what that would be as she is young and he can say things that are false.
He is not required to pay for me, but is not allowed to allow me to struggle with child care and work. Basically it has to be viable.

Anyway I don't want the house to be sol. It would be detrimental to his income for him to re build the set up required for his work.

So lawyer said that best way to go is to make an unofficial request and offers to begin with.

Any way- better to see what we can do officially as if it goes to courts he may become resentful and withhold info.

Have had a chat with H, he is going to move into spare cottage in village untill new year so we can both try to enjoy Christmas.

He has give me 2k untill then and there has been a cap put on our joint account to prevent either of us making large withdrawals. Which was at the suggestion of my lawyer.

Oh yes, and I'm yet to tell my parents!!!

That is a really good start.

How was H when you told him? You didn't really say.

How are you feeling now?

I think you should tell your parents ASAP because no matter how unlikely it seems, word will get around and the last thing you want is for them to find out from someone else!