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Original poster

Advice please (other than "give it time")

26 replies

sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 20:10

Hmm, where to start - basically met really great guy, really great - fell in love with him really fast and really truely believed that he'd be the one for me - loved my son (18mths when we met) and it was like we'd finally met "our match" - that person who just knows and who everything feels right with

BUT - he wanted to go and live in Australia and had planned to go this year.

After loads of heart ache, he left in September this year after us being together for 15 months. After 6 weeks of him being away, he tells me that he wants to stay there forever and doesn't think that its fair for us to stay together.

I have to stay here, I've just started a new business and I have my family - and my son to think about - he's just a free spirit over there just looking after himself, living in shared accomodation, living the dream...

So, I'm now single (again) and missing him so much!! I really honestly thought that we'd always be together, that he'd have a year in Oz and then come back and that everything would be okay.

Thing is, I'm on 24 and I can only foresee now - I'm just loooking for other opinions, especially from people that have had a bit more life experience than me - as to what I should do, and how on earth to get over him :(

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
HelenRosie · 02/12/2010 20:17

I was in a similar position to you but without a child. I made the decision to go to Australia to be with the man I thought was the love of my life. It lasted about 6 months, he was a totally different person out there and so was I.

It's a shame for you as you will always be wondering 'what if'. At least I know I went and it was awful, and then was able to forget about him.

It sounds really patronising but you will move on and find someone else.

I'd get over him by sleeping with someone else, but I'm sure another poster will give you some better advice than that!

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 20:29

Hmm, have had a few snogs, and that did make me feel better for a little while... Grin

But I've kinda done the sleeping around bit of my life, and I want to just meet someone lovely and have a proper little family without the theat of him turning out to be a total wanker or to bugger off to Australia.

I'm quite pleased that you posted though, I was thinking about going over there to see him next year when we were still together, but he's doing the things now at 27 that I did when I moved out of home at 17 and although it would be great to live like a student again - I'm kinda past that.

Just a shame that such a massive thing has happened to come between us - I just wish he'd come back and tell me it was all a big mistake :(

OP posts:
HelenaRose · 02/12/2010 20:33

So he's picked the other side of the world over a future with you, and you're wondering what to do? Find someone who respects you and would choose you and your son over anything else.

HelenaRose · 02/12/2010 20:34

Sorry, we cross-posted. I think I was a bit harsh in my comment; I just wanted to make sure you were clear on what he'd done. I'm sure you miss him, but I think someone who treats you like that doesn't deserve any of your time or heartache. [hugs]

Lulumaam · 02/12/2010 20:36

he was open and upfront, said he was going to and he went and now he is being honest , telling you he wants to make the break permanent

far better than leaving you dangling

go and have fun with friends, meet other men, have fun ! move forward

mmmwine · 02/12/2010 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 20:39

I know - he's played the "it's something that I've always wanted to do and putting girlfriends first in the past has meant that I haven't done it in the past so either do it now, or don't do it at all" (as you can't get a working visa after you're 30) card - and though I did want to swack him with a frying pan, I understood what he meant and knew that it'd be a now or never opportunity.

I just thought that if he loved me like he said he did, that we'd work through it and he'd come back and we'd live happilly ever after - and that's what's made me the most upset, that a year ago my whole future seemed to be lay out before me, and now it's all really uncertain again

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 20:45

He always wanted to go, from the first time we met I knew about it, but we went so well together I thought that it was worth having a go and as time went on, I thought that we could work through it.

I don't think that he believes that we can as he "misses me too much" and it "gives him too much heart ache" being away from me.

I don't believe that he's lied to me, but I am just sad that he's not tried to help make it work

OP posts:
mmmwine · 02/12/2010 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jellykat · 02/12/2010 20:55

Oh Sunshine,that's a sad story.

But i think you said it yourself,he's doing the things now at 27 that i did when i moved out of home at 17.. He obviously has some growing up to do, and you were both looking at your relationship from different perspectives.

He may never grow up, so don't wait for him.. Give yourself some time,know at least there wasn't anything you could've done differently, and it wasn't you, it was just not meant to be..and look forward to meeting a real friend, who will be there for you, like you deserve, not some Peter Pan!!

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 21:05

I had planned to go and visit - but I'm a single mum with a brand new business, so I wouldn't be able to go anyway as the shop has not made nearly as much as I had hoped, and I had problems justifying leaving DS with my mum for a few weeks anyway.

I've just been through a lot in the few years that I've been an adult, and have always chosen to take the rough road over the easy one as I always know best - with him though, he seemed to be everything that I should have had from day one, and finally thought that my life was going really well when he came into it.

On one hand, I feel horrid for being so dependent on a man, a man for crying out loud - but on the other, he was a big part of my life, I've never had a relationship go on for so long before (usually stick to the 3 month rule and then find another victim) - but honestly thought he was my Prince Charming.

I'd forgotten how horrible it is being single with all of the lovely families at nursery and all of the couples my age doing all of the things that a girl my age should be doing ie good job, lovely house, getting married - not being stuck being a single mum... but that's another rant (I think).

I just really want to be able to fast forward 5 years and have me being happy in a secure relationship (if there is such a thing) and have everything seeming certain - preferably with my business being an empire by then too!!

OP posts:
chandra · 02/12/2010 21:06

I know you don't want to hear the "give it time" phrase and I think it is ok, but don't wait for him, sometimes these experience abroad totally change the person (I went "abroad" for a year and met my husband the night I arrived, we went "abroad" for six months and... it has been more than a decade) So I would say, don't wait for him.

Having said that.... it is well known that the first months abroad are a wonderful adventure, like living the dream, I would say, but... after a few months, when routine sets in and the novelty wears of, many "expats" start missing their original place and start making plans to go back. So... I know that you don't want to hear it, but... give it time.

Don't wait for him, but I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back from Australia, however, the time away may change him by then so... don't wait for him.

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 21:08

Thanks Jellykat - your post made me laugh! Peter Pan! hehe

Half of me wants him to come back and accept that he has been an idiot - and the other half of me (the bigger half I think too) - wants me to meet that handsome rich man that'll treat me like a princess and get married like I've always wanted....

Gosh, being a grown up is hard!!

OP posts:
mummyshreddingnora · 02/12/2010 21:12

ok have a bit of experience in this area - here's my take

He always intended to go - never intended to take you or stay with you

I speak from experience... when I got together with my (now) DH, he was in the process of emigrating and we agreed it was only ever going to be a casual thing - particularly as we had both recently left long term relationships... however it never really was casual (but the pressure wasn't there) ... he never did even send off for his VISA, and we moved in together after 9 months!

You need to accept that he just doesn't want what you want I am afraid Xmas Sad

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 21:12

Hmm, I hear you about changing Chandra - I know full well how much I changed when I moved away when I was 17 (well, 16, it was a few weeks before my birthday) - and was finally able to just be myself, I'm now totally different to how I was when I left school (and I LOVE it)

Thanks for posting, its interesting to hear about "being abroad" from someone who's done it :)

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 21:14

lol, that was brash - but thank you for it - I think that I'm starting to accept that - and I'm starting to think some rebound sex might be a better idea than I had first given it credit for.... Xmas Grin

OP posts:
Jellykat · 02/12/2010 21:27

Sunshine, I understand-I've been a single mum for 21 years..Had lots of (usually 3 months too) relationships,been by myself for 9 years and nearly 4 years ago met my XP, my soulmate.. but somethings' are just not meant to be, we finally split a week ago.

What i'm trying to say is, you are half my age,and if an old baggage like me can still have hope you sure as hell can!! Smile

Just bear in mind that when prince charmings' helicopter lands,i have to get on before you! Respect your elders!Grin

mummyshreddingnora · 02/12/2010 21:33

sorry if I sounded brash - didn't mean to, just couldn't think of a way to dress it up for you! Glad you are starting to accept it Xmas Smile

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 21:44

Jellykat - I'm sorry to hear that it wasn't meant to be for you - you do give me hope though, and I'm glad to hear that you're staying positive still :)

I don't think that I would be as bothered if it wasn't nearly Christmas and the focus is completely on families, couples and all that traditional stuff. My sister who is 18 is spending Christmas this year with her BF, something that I was able to do last year - it all just tangs and makes me miss him.

Possibly true that any company would be good company, but I thought that I had it sussed with him and cringe at the thought of dating again.

I need to find out where those women find those good looking men with the good jobs and dark denim jeans and flat stomachs - the ones that don't fart all of the time and that do not have a common accent...

x

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 21:47

MSN - you did come over a little brash, but I've been so "Oh, but I miss him so terribly" recently, it was on the cards, and I'm glad that it was a one liner rather than a paragraph of getting to the point :)

OP posts:
Jellykat · 02/12/2010 22:03

Ahh but Sunshine the cosy family thing is just one scenario.Would you rather be snuggled up with your lovely DS, or trying to juggle him and maybe a selfish pig of a partner? There's lots of women with that looming.. We are the middle ground, and in a better situation then them!

Don't date, concentrate on you ,DS,your friends, family and business for a while.. No one will match him at this moment in time it sounds like, accept this for a while.In time you'll be able to let someone new into your heart..

Original poster
sunshineriver · 02/12/2010 22:26

Thanks Jellykat - your message is lovely - makes me feel MUCH better about the whole thing.

All that I need now if for my DS to stop pushing at nursery and for my business to take off good and proper and my life will be splendid :)

xxx

OP posts:
Jellykat · 03/12/2010 17:09

Yes Sunshine, one only has so much time and energy, and only so many brain cells!

Good luck, it's a New Year soon,YIPPEE! Smile
x

Original poster
sunshineriver · 03/12/2010 17:42

Hi Jellykat - thanks for popping back - I'm feeling much better about it all today :)

Fantastic that it's nearly New Year again, I love that time of setting new "things to do" for the year to come - hopefully, this year, a lot more of them will be acheived!!

x

OP posts:
dogfish · 03/12/2010 19:03

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Message withdrawn