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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So XH now wants to meet DP - WWYD??

44 replies

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:00

Brief background but it's well documented on here - XH and I split due to his ongoing affair and generally twatty behaviour. I have not seen OW since discovery, nor contacted her. The dc's often see her on weekends away with XH but a veil of secrecy surround what they do, and I let them get on with it, taking the view that as long as the dc's are cared for, it's nothing to do with me.

I'm now with lovely DP, the very opposite of XH. He is great with my dc's, works with young people for a living and is a really decent, good man.

XP has decided he wants to meet him - the thing is, this would be fine in theory if it weren't for the whole history here. He wouldn't consider meeting up with OW's XH, and I can't imagine that OW would ever want to see me. I just don't feel XH deserves any kind of insight into my life, he has DP's tel nos in case of emergency, and that should be enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Am I being petty? Would there be anything to be gained from a meeting? All I can imagine is XH finding reasons to later criticise DP (he is a hideously competitive type), and I really want to protect him from that.

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 02/12/2010 16:02

what do the kids want?

BangingNoise · 02/12/2010 16:03

Why does he want to meet your new man? Has he given a reason?
If he says it is because he wants to know who is around his kids, then the secrecy thing about what the kids do when with him and his partner is wrong.

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:04

dc's too young to have any understanding yet. They are very accepting of seeing Mummy with dp, and Daddy with OW. The two don't really overlap, other than them seeing me with XH now and again. Sadly, that's all they know.

TBH I would prefer it if eventually everyone did know each other and got on for the sake of essential social situations, but we're a long way off that.

OP posts:

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:06

Banging, that's exactly what bothers me. It's very one sided and I think he's just doing it as he can't bear not to be in control of everything.

I'm expected to be open with him, but he won't even really tell me where he's living. I never know where the dc's are when they're with him.

OP posts:

mjinsparklystockings · 02/12/2010 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rudolphsnose · 02/12/2010 16:07

See DH wanted to meet his exs new DP so he knew who was living half the time with DBD and I can see why. However DBDs mum met me before I met DBD and I have always tried to have a decent 'working' relationship with her IYSWIM.

Tricky, would you want to meet OW?

wornoutbutstillwonderful · 02/12/2010 16:08

Why don't you suggest meeting the OW then it has got to the same both ways other wise he is still trying to control your life

notsohotchic · 02/12/2010 16:09

Sounds like he will be wanting to try and suss your new partner out and also let you know that he has some power there. I wouldn't agree to it, in these circumstances. Why should you?

expatinscotland · 02/12/2010 16:09

Fuck being the bigger person if you don't even know what your twat X lives?!

Screw that.

Tell him NO. Or that if he wants to meet him he can when he invites you both over to his house.

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:11

Rudolph, that's the hard thing. Under any other circumstances I would definitely want to have some kind of civil relationship with her, or anyone the dc's spend time with - it's practical and more pleasant to do so.

However - her behaviour at the time of the affair was pretty awful (as was XH's, I realise!), and she knew me prior to all this happening. I don't know how to turn it into a positive, and I don't really feel the onus should be on me to mend bridges there, either. I really hate being in this position, I don't want any enemies.

OP posts:

ItalianLady · 02/12/2010 16:13

It is just unbelievable that you don't know where your children are when your ex has them.

No, to him meeting your boyfriend unless you meet his girlfriend.

BertieBotts · 02/12/2010 16:13

No, I wouldn't set up a formal meeting. It's none of his business! I'm sure they will come across each other at some point anyway.

XP has apparently said he wants to meet my new BF and "have a word" - it's all talk, because BF has been here a couple of times when XP has picked DS up and he hasn't asked to speak to him.

mjinsparklystockings · 02/12/2010 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MerrilyDefective · 02/12/2010 16:14

Suggest to him that the four of you go out for a drink/dinner.
Sounds like he'd soon back off.

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:14

Thanks expat there is a whole backstory of twuntery here. I'm honestly not being petty for the sake of it!!

notsohotchic - I think you're spot on. He needs to have the power, and this is what it's about. When he first found out about DP's existence, we were on a weekend away, and he went mad, texting every few minutes to let me know one of the dc's was ill etc. It was all to try and spoil it for me.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/12/2010 16:14

Well, then, simples. He can meet your partner when he invites you both over to his for a coffee.

Otherwise, he can sod off.

Limez · 02/12/2010 16:15

Rudolphsnose - what does DBD stand for?

expatinscotland · 02/12/2010 16:16

I think the fact that you let your kids go off with him and you don't even know where he lives means you are definitely not being petty here.

He wants to meet your DP you get to meet his partner and know where he lives.

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:19

He lives 350 miles away during the week, and some weekends, which is how he can maintain this secrecy. It's how the whole thing managed to carry on in the first place. No danger of me accidentally spotting them when I'm miles away with the dc's

Very frustrating though, I hate not knowing where my dc's are.

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 02/12/2010 16:22

Although you are under no obligation whatsoever to do this. mjinsparklystockings is correct in that it would make you the bigger person.

I think most of this is for your XP to size up whether your new partner is good enough for your children (with a little bit of noseyness thrown in) but that choice is not his, it is yours and you have made it. So if he trots off and gets himself into a jealous huff about your new man then he only has himself to blame for insisting on meeting him in the first place!

If he started being critical about your new partner I would not even give him airspace. Close the door, put the phone down, hand up in the air. He has met him once and on that basis all he is doing is putting a face to the name for future reference by his children. If he starts being petty then that would be plain old jealousy starting.

Congratulations on your new relationship by the way!

BitOfFun · 02/12/2010 16:25

There is really no need. My DP of five years has never met my ex, and I've never met any of my ex's girlfriends. If I thought there was any way that my ex wouldn't act childishly, then it could have all been more civilised, but I just leave any contact between us as strictly child-related.

Mummynumber2 · 02/12/2010 16:27

I suppose you have to try to work, honestly, why you think he's asking. If he is genuinely concerned as to who his dc's are spending time with and you think he will be pleasant to your dp then maybe, despite his reluctance to tell you where he lives, you should do it.

I'm saying this because dp's ex asked to meet me fairly early on in our relationship. Dp was very against it as she had kept important info re his dc's from him. I did end up meeting her, kind of by chance at first, and we now have a good, friendly relationship which is very beneficial to the dc's.

Why won't he tell you where he's taking your dc's?! What dreadful behaviour

ilovemydogandMrObama · 02/12/2010 16:36

He's being ridiculous. Of course you should know where the children are going, and you're being quite reasonable it all.

Who cares if your ex criticizes your new DP? I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but maybe next time he picks up the kids, your DP could be there?

But at the same time wouldn't go out of my way for your ex'es 'approval' i.e., setting up something formal like coffee as it's making your ex in charge.

If he asks again, could you say, 'yeah, am sure your paths will meet at some stage...'

catinthehat2 · 02/12/2010 16:37

(good idea except he might accept with no intention of bringing OW)

dignified · 02/12/2010 16:55

Your exp has decided he wants to meet your new dp ? Well tough , he doesnt get to decide anything anymore.

Considering you dont even know where he lives it would be a firm no for me , and as for " social occasions " , again , you dont know where he lives , dont know the ow and i dont think theyll be many social occasions anyway.

I dont get this being the bigger person. For who , who does it benefit ? No one else cares how he behaves and no ones going to sit around saying " oh ,i hear snow was the bigger person ". No one will care who did what.

Its nice you want to be sociable , but i just dont think its going to happen and your willingness to do so will be abused by him ( as hes doing already ).

Your relationship is over , he sounds like a twat and therefore the only contact , discussions you should have are about the dcs , who you see is none of his business. Dont let him continue to bully you with these ridiculous demands.

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