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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So XH now wants to meet DP - WWYD??

44 replies

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 16:00

Brief background but it's well documented on here - XH and I split due to his ongoing affair and generally twatty behaviour. I have not seen OW since discovery, nor contacted her. The dc's often see her on weekends away with XH but a veil of secrecy surround what they do, and I let them get on with it, taking the view that as long as the dc's are cared for, it's nothing to do with me.

I'm now with lovely DP, the very opposite of XH. He is great with my dc's, works with young people for a living and is a really decent, good man.

XP has decided he wants to meet him - the thing is, this would be fine in theory if it weren't for the whole history here. He wouldn't consider meeting up with OW's XH, and I can't imagine that OW would ever want to see me. I just don't feel XH deserves any kind of insight into my life, he has DP's tel nos in case of emergency, and that should be enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Am I being petty? Would there be anything to be gained from a meeting? All I can imagine is XH finding reasons to later criticise DP (he is a hideously competitive type), and I really want to protect him from that.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 02/12/2010 17:04

Being the bigger person isn't about what other people think, it's about how you feel about your own conduct. Sometimes ones own self-respect is more important than what the neighbours say.

mjinsparklystockings · 02/12/2010 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rudolphsnose · 02/12/2010 17:13

DBD=darling bonus daughter Limez, snicer than step :)

I agree that you should offer for the 4 of you to have a drink/coffee together. In your case it sounds very much like him still trying to control you and this will make him back off sharpish whilst you still look perfectly reasonable, its a win-win for you.

Also I really wouldn't be comfortable wit my DCs going off if Indians have at least a contact address for them.

ChasingSquirrels · 02/12/2010 17:20

fuck him.
If he picks the kids up from you and your dp is there then they meet in passing, your kids know that they can talk about being with you and your dp - and vis-versa, at some point in the future they may meet at a formal function relating to the kids.
He doesn't need a formal introduction or any involvement - it is your life not his.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 02/12/2010 17:49

He's behaving like an overbearing father, and he has no right to.

As someone else said, he's not in a position to meet anyone you know, so he should just poke off until he decides to be more reasonable and GROWN UP!!!

expatinscotland · 02/12/2010 17:53

'good idea except he might accept with no intention of bringing OW'

That's why I'd tell the ex they can meet when the OP andd her DP are invited over to her ex's home for coffee.

I don't see how saying 'no' otherwise is equivalent to her not having self-respect or being dignified.

IMO she's behaved quite well, considering she does not know where her ex lives and where her children are when they are with their father.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2010 17:54

The OP doesn't feel comfortable with it now, and the kids are already in good contact with their father, she shouldn't feel compelled to do this just because the ex wants to.

passmyglassplease · 02/12/2010 18:13

I am in a similar situation as you, except I have never met the ow and don't want to.

I have no intention of introducing my very lovely DP to ex.

Very early on in the marriage break up we both agreed we would talk to the dcs before introducing the dcs to a new partner, he however went ahead and did it anyway so he has lost any right (if he had any in the first place!) to meet someone who spends an awful lots of time with his dcs

c'est la vie

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 19:20

Thanks everyone for your help, it's so difficult for me to be objective when emotions are still at play. I'm in contact with OW's XH (a story in itself!) and he finds it equally frustrating from his end when his dc is there too and he has no idea what's going on. He and I have had to become each other's emergency contact, which is crazy. I sometimes wonder if XH and OW got so used to being secretive while they were having the affair, it's just second nature to do it now.

Passmyglass, I had a similar incident. DC's were introduced to OW in a very inappropriate way (I was away at a close family funeral), while XH and I were still together. It's difficult to get past that one.

And as for being the bigger person, tbh, I don't have any regrets about how I've behaved so far. I feel I've retained my dignity in a shitty situation but have no wish to be a pushover now.

Am going to get tougher on the address thing - he has them over Xmas so I need to know where they are then!!

OP posts:

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 02/12/2010 19:31

You're not being petty, agree with so much of what has been said on here and you definitely need a contact address for them when they're with him.

deepheat · 02/12/2010 20:01

It sounds like your ex is a bit of a dick, but....

Just because you're happy to trust him and his new DP with your kids, it doesn't follow that he'll feel the same way. Whether he's a knob-end or not - and it rather sounds like he is - he has a right to meet your DP if he will be playing a significant part in DC's lives. His motives may not be great - we're not in a position to say really - but he does still have that right.

It sounds like you have behaved with considerable dignity thus far, and I think you probably should bite your tongue and continue to do so here. I think there can be a certain degree of satisfaction and self respect involved in knowing that no matter what crap you get thrown at you, you will continue to behave like a reasonable, rational, decent human being. Even if the people you have to do so with are far from that description. Good luck.

deepheat · 02/12/2010 20:04

Sorry - may have misunderstood the OP. If he is stopping you from meeting the OW then this would really concern me and I think something should be said (though I still think that he should be allowed to meet your DP regardless - these things are too important to lower yourself to tit for tat).

expatinscotland · 02/12/2010 20:31

'Whether he's a knob-end or not - and it rather sounds like he is - he has a right to meet your DP if he will be playing a significant part in DC's lives. His motives may not be great - we're not in a position to say really - but he does still have that right.'

He doesn't even consider the mother of his children worthy of knowing where he lives, fgs, or where her children are when he has them.

He has FA 'right' to meet this DP she doesn't even live with.

She must have half a tongue from biting it every time he collects them and she has no idea where he is going with them because she does not know where he lives.

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 02/12/2010 20:33

What Expat said.

ChasingSquirrels · 02/12/2010 20:37

with bells on

ChasingSquirrels · 02/12/2010 20:41

and where does this "right" come from?

If I didn't trust that my children's dad will look after them as well (if not in the same way) as I would, would have their well being fully at heart, would love and care for them etc when they were with him, then I'm not sure they would be seeing him as much as they do.

If I actually had concern for their well being when they were with him - they wouldn't be seeing him, and there is not a court in the land that would enforce them doing so, as I would disappear.

Her ex presumably has no concerns over the children's well being when they are with the OP - or he would have done something about it. Does he think he can vet everyone they come in to contact with when they are with the OP? No. He is trying to be controlling.

Original poster

snowpoint · 02/12/2010 21:17

That's my issue. It's very unequal, my life is open, his is closed. He doesn't deserve to meet lovely DP and have the privilege of knowing my business when he discloses so little himself. I can't wait to move out of our former home so I at least feel I have some privacy in a new one, where he doesn't know what's where.

And by knowing his business, I don't mean the nitty-gritty, I have no interest there. I can't explain how evasive he is, he just repeats that I have his mobile and that should be enough. He's changed jobs, bought businesses and all sorts in the past without telling me. Plus filing for divorce for my unreasonable behaviour after we'd agreed that I would petition. It's very wearing, and I just don't want him controlling me any more.

OP posts:

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 04/12/2010 19:04

"I just don't want him controlling me any more."

And that is perfectly reasonable. Give him the minimum to be able to contact you to see the kids and no more now.

OTTMummA · 04/12/2010 19:25

One mobile number is not enough information for when your children are with him.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to stop contact, or go to a solicitor to get his residentual address.
I couldn't let my children go off, with anyone, even their dad, for more than a day not knowing where they will be sleeping etc!

If this isn't an option, when you move don't give him your address, meet somewhere else nearby and see how he likes them biscuits.

Any meeting of the EX's and new partners is entirely up to you, not him.
It is better all round if you all get on, be civil etc, but do it at your own pace, let it happen naturally, no need to set something up.

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