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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me with agony ending emotional affair

58 replies

itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:07

I am a namechanger and I know I have slipped up but I really need help to get through this. Please don't flame me just yet.

I have just ended an emotional affair which went on for a few months but has history from years ago before I was married.

At least I hope I have. Last time I tried to end it, it was back on within a couple of weeks.

I am in pieces and can't stop crying. DH (who I adore btw and with whom I have no problems whatsoever) knows my friendship with this man was in danger of turning romantic - I confessed he had kissed me - so I promised not to see him again. After several stop-starts, I think I am finally managing that now. But DH thinks it stopped weeks ago.

Problem is OM (also married with dc) doesn't want it to end and has left the door wide open. He says he loves me. I am hoping my pride will stop me from going back yet again and making a total twat of myself (yes, I realise I have done that already).

Can someone - anyone - please help me manage the pain I am feeling? I just want to soldier on through until it becomes more bearable and I don't want to burden DH with it. He made it clear he didn't want to hear about it, and just wanted me to deal with it. My life is 100% with DH and dc and I don't want it to be any different. Just want this to go away as quickly as possible, even though it means I have lost a dear friend.

OP posts:
everlong · 01/12/2010 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:13

I know, thanks for listening.
Just so hard.

OP posts:
thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 01/12/2010 16:15

You really sound like someone I used to know.. they had an on-off connection which went on for years. I think ultimately they had to put distance between them to stop things happening, and while they worked together, it was a constant undercurrent going on.

I think often there is more than one person in life you could be happy with, and you've crossed paths with one of them. Think this right through to the end though, and imagine the hurt you could cause your DH, your dc's, his DW and DC's. That was enough to stop me in my tracks when I once felt tempted. How about some counselling so you can get it all out with someone impartial?

And however great you think things are with your DH, there is probably repair work to be done there too. It will get easier but you have to be totally determined to stop now.

emmyloulou · 01/12/2010 16:16

Think about the pain of losing a dear friend on comparison to your Dh and kids.

I wouldn't exactly call him a dear friend either willing to put both your marriages at risk. You will get there but it will help when you see the Om for what he is and what he is trying to do.

iifsn · 01/12/2010 16:17

There is no other way but to put up and soldier on through the pain.

I was there many years ago. I did that stop/start thing - it just made the whole thing ten times worse.

I played with fire, doing this, and I got burnt very badly, and so did everyone else.

Do you have dc. The OM is married himself with dc - what a mess it will be.

Sorry to be hard but I was there once many years ago and it caused a huge amount of trouble for alot of people, including myself, in big ways, from the mess I got into.

I suppose, in the end, you have to decide whether your DH/family is worth another committed effort from you, otherwise you will lose it all if you are not careful.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/12/2010 16:17

But this dear friend is no friend of your marriage, your children, your dh, his wife or his own children.

Sorry to be so black and white but you must be in this situation. You must not romantisise something that is actually quite tawdry. If he told his wife it was in danger of becoming more with you, do you think she would be so understanding? If she threw him out, would you want him?

This is a time for being brutally honest with yourself. If need be, visualise your dh telling you to leave, visualise the dc crying at the window as you leave to stay in a bedsit/hotel. Take the fatal attraction out of this 'friendship' and it is just a tacky, messy, emotional affair.

If this guy was the one, things would have progressed before you married your dh. It didn't. At the end of the day, its just a different face attatched to a different penis, same problems, same humdrum day to day realities, if not worse, as affairs seldom translate well in real life.

Short term pain, only way. Cut him dead.

iifsn · 01/12/2010 16:20

Your OM is being unkind to his DW and DC.

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:25

I know and I think that determination is what I need help with.

I have thought about all those things, I really have.

My relationship with DH is as great as it always was. History with OM is that we were close friends for years and he was always with the same person, while I wasn't. Then I realised I was in love with him, but it was never acknowleged and then he married his girlfriend.

I had dc, got married, moved away. We stayed in touch once in a while. Then I moved back 2 years ago. Went back to work in same industry as before. We don't work in same place, but our paths cross a lot.

I never thought it would ever be acknowleged that we basically had an emotional affair until he was married. But it has been, and it has completely blown me away.

I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole with DH and DC and remain there for months. Feel utterly black and blue.

Anyone who's listening to all this - I am very grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:28

iifsn - you are not being hard, it is what I need to hear. I have read your posts elsewhere and they have really helped me steel myself over this, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:30

Perfumed - I have used the same arguments with him over and over again. Now I finally understand I have to cut him off completely.

It's just keeping the momentum of doing that I need support for. It's all on my shoulders now because I know he still has the door open.

OP posts:
everlong · 01/12/2010 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:32

Thank you everyone - these are the things I need to hear.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 01/12/2010 16:33

Go to your GP and ask for tranquillisers.

everlong · 01/12/2010 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:36

Bonsoir - that actually sounds very appealing.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:38

Everlong - no, he has this stupid idea that we can spend time together and keep it under control. It never works, but is why I have to-ed and fro-ed so much, hoping he might be right. Have kissed twice, that really is it.

Now, hopefully, it is in the past.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 01/12/2010 16:39

Do it - tell you GP the truth, don't hold back the tears, be as honest as you have been on this thread and say you need help to mend your marriage and that you need something to cheer you up so that you have enough energy to get going again.

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:41

Thanks Bonsoir, but I am already on medication.

My marriage is great, really. I know it sounds strange. In fact in some respects, it's been better than ever in the past few weeks.

It's like I've turned into a man. I have totally compartmentalised all this.

OP posts:
handmedownqueen · 01/12/2010 16:53

Pls do whatever it takes 2 end this. I've been there. Only time and perserverance on yr part will do it. Have no contact WHATSOEVER. WWIFN always says any even slight contact makes it all so more painful and drawn out
imagine yrself packing yr bags and moving into a miserable flat. Imagine telling yr dcs. Imagine their pain. Then ask yrself whether the pain u r going thru is only slight comparedto the greater pain they wld feel if u don't do this
it will settle but don't kid yrself u can b friends. U can't and must cut this man out of ur life. Good luck

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 16:55

Thankyou handmedown. These are all the things I am finally coming to understand, and I really need to hear it from people who have been there (sorry you have).

OP posts:
dracschick · 01/12/2010 16:59

This is the price you pay for your 'deceit' what you must do now is block his number from calling you or change sim,avoid anywhere that he might be and any 'triggers' that will have you thinking of him.

You are happily married you have dc he is married too it is completely unfair on all involved to continue so it must stop.

Stopping will hurt -love isnt meant to given away willy nilly but you must move on and draw a line underneath it.

Allow yourself a short period of time each day to think about your feelings but do not let it intefere with the life of you family - be strict with yourself and you will get 'over it'.

Imagine how you would feel if it was the other way around.

If you were meant to be with the other bloke you would be - it wasnt meant to be,this is the path your life must follow - carry on and you will only end up hurt.

sounds experienced???? it is ive been there too.

iifsn · 01/12/2010 17:12

dracschick - I was there years ago too. Had a nice home/dh/child - ended up at my parents with dc.

It was crap. Utter crap.

Original poster
itsreallytheend · 01/12/2010 19:50

Again, thank you ladies. I really appreciate you all listening and understanding.

OP posts:
boogiewoogie · 01/12/2010 21:12

You need to be ruthless OP. Don't try to "phase" the om out gradually. You are immensely blessed with such an understanding dh and he totally trusts you with this so do not abuse that.

To be honest this OM does not sound "all that" and does not appear to be a true friend knowing that this will jeopardise your marriage as well as his.

I know it sounds easier than it really is. If it helps you could always make a mental list of things that attracted you to your dh and what OM has in comparison. You may find that OM has absolutely nothing to compare with your lovely dh and is not even worthy of shining his shoes let alone competing for his wife's affections.

You have said in your posts what sort of things he has suggested, i.e. keep seeing one another and manage it somehow. Er, get real! He is manipulating you and getting you to comply because you are a "friend". If you don't then you're a bitch. See what he's doing? Do not let him anywhere near you again. Block him. Do not even look at him. Delete his emails immediately. Anything. Your husband, family, marriage, self respect, dignity is paramount.

Okay, I've harped on a bit but I think you need to cope with the pain with all the dignity you have left.

Elmtree1Ems · 01/12/2010 21:54

Well this might sound a little odd, but how about picturing your kids and his kids and the spouses watching you kiss and gaze longingly at each other etc etc and the looks on their faces. I mean if you want to stay strong on the no contact thing, make it so that every time you waver bring up something as horrifying as that might help stay your hand away from the phone / email etc.

When I feel like contacting my ex who is being a twunt right now I picture him laughing at me for being weak. Seems to help.

Good luck.

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