Help me with agony ending emotional affair

[itsreallytheend]

I am a namechanger and I know I have slipped up but I really need help to get through this. Please don't flame me just yet.

I have just ended an emotional affair which went on for a few months but has history from years ago before I was married.

At least I hope I have. Last time I tried to end it, it was back on within a couple of weeks.

I am in pieces and can't stop crying. DH (who I adore btw and with whom I have no problems whatsoever) knows my friendship with this man was in danger of turning romantic - I confessed he had kissed me - so I promised not to see him again. After several stop-starts, I think I am finally managing that now. But DH thinks it stopped weeks ago.

Problem is OM (also married with dc) doesn't want it to end and has left the door wide open. He says he loves me. I am hoping my pride will stop me from going back yet again and making a total twat of myself (yes, I realise I have done that already).

Can someone - anyone - please help me manage the pain I am feeling? I just want to soldier on through until it becomes more bearable and I don't want to burden DH with it. He made it clear he didn't want to hear about it, and just wanted me to deal with it. My life is 100% with DH and dc and I don't want it to be any different. Just want this to go away as quickly as possible, even though it means I have lost a dear friend.

Yes, in situations like this, the people I feel most sorry for are the betrayed spouses and children, who through no fault of their own, are suffering the effects of a non-committed partner or parent; someone who isn't fully with them.

However, that doesn't mean that from a humanitarian point of view, I don't feel sorry for this very human dilemma. However, as always, I would urge posters to be rather more introspective. The ones being honest about their infidelity having no relational cause need to see that this is therefore about you.

Time spent now, with someone challenging, such as a really good friend or a wise counsellor who won't collude with any of the typical delusions about marital discord, would be well-spent. People who submit to this often find that they are punitive, somewhat narcissistic, that their self-esteem has been defined by their attraction to men, that a childhood blighted by affairs has had more of an effect than they've realised. It also might uncover a failure to take personal responsibility for one's own actions, hence the belief that these events have all "just happened" as though there were no choices or willpower involved.

Have a really good think about why you feel entitled to rob your Hs and your families of your full attentions and emotional presence. Try and reverse this too and imagine how it would feel if your H had been conducting a secret relationship for months or years. How would that have manifested itself in your relationship?

Remaining in contact means you are still having an affair. Having no contact whatsoever is the first step in moving forward, but it is only part of the story. Getting to the bottom of what is about you is where all the missing jigsaw pieces are to be found.

It is nothing like an addiction.

You have made a choice. And every time you talk to him again, you make a choice. Each and every time. It is not an addiction. It is a bad choice.

Pfft speaks a lot of sense. Writing off your feelings as being uncontrollable or fate or an addiction or whatever just absolves you of responsibility and puts you at the centre of a crap romantic novel. This is bollocks. Lose his number, email and any other means of contact. You are hurting your husband.

I know it's bollocks - am just expressing how it feels.

Believe me, I know all that is bollocks. I grew up in general familial devastation because my father "couldn't help" having affairs.

Of course my children's needs are more important than mine, that is why this is over now.

I have cut off all contact and now I am soldiering on. And it really helps to read the sense that is being written here, because I need a bit of help.

So thank you everyone - esp those being firm. It is what I need.

But what I am saying to you OP is that cutting contact is only part of the story. What do you think about finding out what it is about you and your individual vulnerability to infidelity? What are you going to do about that? Your father's infidelity might hold some clues and I am not surprised that you reveal that. You have also only told your H part of the story, so he might be able to help you while you unravel the story of you and some better honesty now, might help you to do that.

A counsellor, a very challenging friend who loves and knows you and most of all your own H, could be your best allies here.

WWIFN you are so so insightful! You could be describing my ed. My serial philandering exH is both punitive and narcissistic. He certainly gained his self esteem from being attractive to women, all women, any women. However, unlike itsreallytheend I discovered his behaviour and now he is alone and having to take the consequences of his behaviour. He doesn't feel so clever now, nor so controlling or entitled. He sees it as him being punished. I think of him now as deceitful and secretive too, that is if I think of him. This could happen to you OP.

For "ed" read "ex" ...

Hi I hope you don't mind me reopen ing this thread , but I'm curious to what happened , I'm going through a similar thing if you still go on mums net can you post outcome please