Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your DP was cheating and your friend knew, would you prefer the friend stayed out of it, or told you?

39 replies

taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 15:44

One of my closest male friends is in a relationship with a woman who I now know to be cheating on him. I found out because I have a friend who is friends with the girlfriend (do keep up!), who told me what was going on, not realising that I am friends with the male half of the couple. I have met his girlfriend a couple of times, but I do not know her well so it's easy for my friend to make the mistake of thinking I didn't know the couple she was referring to.

The girlfriend is cheating with an ex. They all used to work together, but the ex has now left and works somewhere else. I don't know how they got back in touch. I have been informed they are sleeping together regularly but not overly frequently (not more than once or twice a week at the most) and it has been going on for about a month. I don't know whether this is just a fling or something more. As soon as I realised who the couple in question were, I shut the conversation down and changed the subject, as it felt wrong. The friend I was talking to still does not know I have made the connection as to who it was.

So if you were me, would you keep quiet about it? Or should I gently tell my friend?

Sorry for this being longwinded, I wanted to give as much information as possible to gather opinions.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 01/12/2010 15:47

You'd have to be 100% sure before you said anything. And it doesn't sound like you could ever be that sure as it's all basically hearsay?

BEAUTlFUL · 01/12/2010 15:47

I'd want to be though, definitely. But I'd want it to be completely correct!

BEAUTlFUL · 01/12/2010 15:48

I'd want to be told, I mean.

Eek, you're going to see 3 replies and get all excited but then find out it's just this Blush

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 15:50

I would want to know, absolutely no doubt

Even if it was just rumours at that stage...I would find being the object of gossip/pity/last to know the very worst part of anything.

I would like the choice to make decisions about my own life, fuly informed.

TheChamomileLawn · 01/12/2010 15:50

I would want to know if it was me, doesn't mean he'll thank you for it though.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 15:51

btw, you are going to get very polarised opinions on this thread

taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 15:52

Thank you BEAUTIFUL. :)

I am virtually 100% sure as I know about the work history/ex situation from my friend, and that situation was then repeated to me by the friend who knows the girlfriend (starting to confuse myself now....). The fact that she didn't know I knew the people involved says to me even more that it's the truth.

If I decide/get a consensus to tell my friend what's happening, I will make doubly sure it's the truth.

Are there any circumstances under which you wouldn't want to know?

Trying to plan for all eventualities....

OP posts:
taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 15:54

Ooh more replies....

I fully accept that I might be getting into a 'shoot the messenger' situation, and that's definitely a (selfish) concern, but I think the cheating outweighs that IYSWIM.

OP posts:
woopsidaisy · 01/12/2010 15:55

I would tell. If my DH was cheating,the humiliation that everyone knew except me would be awful.

ChippingIn · 01/12/2010 15:57

You wont get a consensus - you will get a divided response.

I would tell him (once you are very very sure you have the right people).

He does not deserve the humiliation of being the last to know :(

I would want to know and if I found out that a friend knew and didn't tell me - the friendship would be over.

Spero · 01/12/2010 15:57

Agree with AnyFucker - I would want to know so I could make decisions about my life with fullest information.

Its not just the deceit but other considerations - is she practising safe sex for eg?

only problem is that people do tend to react very negatively to the person who tells them. But if he's a good friend, I think you have to take the hit.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/12/2010 16:01

This has come up in differet guises many times. I would tell your friend what you have heard and reassure him that you have no expectation that he will do anything about this and won't be telling anyone else that you and he have spoken about it. And stick to that.

This leaves the ball in his court about what he does about it and will stop him worrying that everyone is talking about it. Having said that, it is evident that several others are talking about it, otherwise you wouldn't have had the information in the first place.

He has the right to know he is being deceived and that his sexual health could be compromised.

taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 16:04

I do feel like if I spend time with him/them that it will feel horrible now. He has been my friend for a really long time and is such a nice guy who I don't want to see hurt. His girlfriend seemed lovely, so this is actually quite a shock.

I don't want to see him humiliated Chipping, and you saying that has just made me wonder exactly what his girlfriend is telling her friends....I assume she is not hiding it from them, which makes it seem worse that my friend is probably spending time around these people and they know. :(

Spero, safe sex is a good point, I obviously can't find that out, but yeah, that's a horrible thing to think about that there could be issues in that way too.

OP posts:
perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/12/2010 16:08

If you are as sure as you can possibly be, i think you should tell him.

It's awful to discover betrayal but worse to know others knew and did nothing.

The messenger frequently gets shot by the way. Sadly.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/12/2010 16:12

I would want to know.

I would rather know, and deal with the pain, than be taken for a fool.

Not knowing about something doesn't mean it's not happening. Ignorance is not bliss.

lowrib · 01/12/2010 16:12

I would tell. He's your friend. If the tables were turned, wouldn't you want to know?

taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 16:13

He would kill me if he found out what she was doing, then found out I knew. I can just see his reaction now. So if I don't tell him, I'll have to lie to him forever that I know, won't i?

I think he'd be more mad at me for not telling him than he would be to hear it from me. I think.

:(

OP posts:
msboogie · 01/12/2010 16:15

I would want to know and I would tell if it were my friend.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 16:15
Xmas Sad
ClaireDeLoon · 01/12/2010 16:17

I would want to know.

If you're certain you should tell him rather than lie forever.

taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 16:21

If I do tell him, do I tell him that I've heard things and leave it at that (as suggested by WWIFN) or outright say "I know X is cheating on you"?

OP posts:
taintedsnow · 01/12/2010 16:22

Going to make dinner for DN, will be back in a bit. :)

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 16:23

Just tell him what you have heard. That is all. Don't make any conclusions from it...those are his to make.

Be sure to do what wwifn said...put no conditions on your disclosure, nor no expectations about what he might/might not do with the info

lowrib · 01/12/2010 16:25

You should tell him exactly the truth, what you've heard and where you heard it.

msboogie · 01/12/2010 16:25

just tell him exactly what you were told

Swipe left for the next trending thread