If your DP was cheating and your friend knew, would you prefer the friend stayed out of it, or told you?

[taintedsnow]

One of my closest male friends is in a relationship with a woman who I now know to be cheating on him. I found out because I have a friend who is friends with the girlfriend (do keep up!), who told me what was going on, not realising that I am friends with the male half of the couple. I have met his girlfriend a couple of times, but I do not know her well so it's easy for my friend to make the mistake of thinking I didn't know the couple she was referring to.

The girlfriend is cheating with an ex. They all used to work together, but the ex has now left and works somewhere else. I don't know how they got back in touch. I have been informed they are sleeping together regularly but not overly frequently (not more than once or twice a week at the most) and it has been going on for about a month. I don't know whether this is just a fling or something more. As soon as I realised who the couple in question were, I shut the conversation down and changed the subject, as it felt wrong. The friend I was talking to still does not know I have made the connection as to who it was.

So if you were me, would you keep quiet about it? Or should I gently tell my friend?

Sorry for this being longwinded, I wanted to give as much information as possible to gather opinions.

I will tell him. I expected there to be more of a disagreement, and that people would tell me not to interfere.

This is really crap, he seems happy. :(

definitely tell him. I agree he would be furious if he found out you knew but didn't tell him. I would rather know the truth than be protected by lies. Every time.

ts, I actually think that the posters who would tell you to keep your nosy beak out (< koff> sgb ) just haven't arrived yet

Oh how sad for this guy. You must tell him though as much worse for him if he later found out you'd known but hadn't told him.

Do make sure you promise him that you'll be telling noone else though. He might be devastated and need to feel his close friends are behind him with lots of support and confidentiality.

AF, I won't see my friend until later in the week, so I'm still willing to listen to opinions, but what I've heard so far makes an awful lot of sense. I don't want him to get hurt, but I also don't want him to be made a fool of anymore than he already has been.

Situation sucks a lot. :(

loves2, I would never tell anyone else (obviously other than on here), and I think he would know that, but I definitely would reassure him of it.

I think there is not more of a disagreement because this bloke is your friend and your loyalty is to him.

I have been thinking about this recently because I have unfortunately been told some very reliable information about a colleage of DH's cheating on his partner of 10 years (they have a toddler). I have never met the woman and have met the cheating man a handful of times and I know nothing about their relationship or their life. I feel terrible about what I know because I have been on the receiving end of an affair and I know how utterly devastating it is, even if you are having a rough time. . The couple are thinking of splitting up, but the woman doesn't know that there is an OW waiting in the wings and I think it could change her decision. I feel sorry for her, but I have never met her and know nothing about her so I don't think I can interfere.

But you must tell your friend, like I said, I have been on the receiving end of an affair and I didn't shoot the messanger. I was very grateful to have been told and like people say above, it gives you the opportunity to take your own decisions about your own life with all the facts.

shitty innit

Glad you've decided to tell him - definately the right thing to do. But horrible for you.

You never know ts, he already may have suspicions or feel something is not quite right with his GF, so this may explain a lot.

And atleast once you've told him, he then has someone in you that he can confide in about it (if he wants to).

I think I'm just going to have to be gentle but firm. I don't want to beat around the bush, but I want him to know I'm here for him.

I'm pregnant but I'll make sure I have some alcohol in the house if he comes here. Think maybe I'll ask him round and ship DN off to my mum for the evening.

I really thought he was happy.

Definitely shitty, AF.

If it was a good friend who I knew cared about me most, then yes I would want to know. Some randomer or someone I didn't know very well, then no.

I was in a very similar situation where my reasonably close work friend found out through a friend of her's about my XH's affair. (Lived in a smallish place - her friend was a friend of the OW...OW had blabbed to friend about the affair and that friend had blabbed to my friend...hope that makes sense)

I was and still am very pleased that my work friend told me. Very difficult for her to do and while I was openmouthed and shaking when she told me, well at the time I had an inkling that something may have been going on with him and OW.... what she told me just confirmed my suspicions.

We separated for good about a month after I found out. I am very happy to have got rid of the shit XH.

If I were you I would tell him what you have heard.

I would want to be told. Definitely. Even if you didn't have concrete evidence. I could then investigate myself.
DEf def want to be told.