Has your DP/DH changed since you met him?

[tiptop2]

If so - for better or worse?

The reason I ask is I've met such a lovely man, he's amazing - so kind and supportive and I can really see a future with him. I guess I'm just scared about him changing. I think I'm paranoid from a previous experience where I thought I was in love only to find out he wasn't the man I thought he was. It's only happened once but I think I'm scarred by it.

Just interested to know whether most people feel their DP/DH gets better the more you're with them and whether he still has the values/attributes you fell in love with to start with.

Worse, then better.

Over 20 year period.

First year fab

Next 5 yrs v bad (he worked 100 hours pwk, I was essentially single mum, loads of rows)

Next 9 years got gradually better.

Last 5 years v v good.

Nope. Stayed the same. The problems come , I think, if YOU start changing - then what you like about your partner you might not like so much anymore. War of the Roses etc.....

My ex dh changed dramatically for the worse. Or, rather, as I got to know him better I saw what was lurking under the seemingly perfect exterior.

The problem is that it is almost impossible to really know what someone else is like at their core. Add to that that some people don't really have a set core and, well, you just never know.

But if you have a good thing going now, it's probably a good idea to just try to stay positive and think that it'll stay that way. It's all you can really do if you want a shot at happiness.

Thanks.

Banks - that's what I'm worried about..taking the risk and it all going pearshaped later...In my heart I know he's a good man so I guess I just have to go with that...I think because I've been hurt in the past, the thought of doing this again is terrifying!

tiptop, I know what you mean. I've been badly, badly hurt as well and it IS hard to not see every man as a potential monster. But the thing is that you either have to stop yourself from thinking that way or reconcile yourself to being alone. Since I want to date and find love again, I have to struggle against those fears just like you do. It is scary as hell, but I bet it'll get better as time goes on.

The thing I console myself with is that even though no one can truly ever know another, as we age and accumulate wisdom we can start to see a bit more clearly. So it's more likely you've made a good choice this time than back when you were younger and less experienced!

Aw LeQueen. That's lovely!

hmm yes good point. I don't want to be single, I know that. I think I also know what's more important to me now...better than I did..it's been 5 months and nothing has reared it's ugly head yet so I think I'm onto a winner (fingers crossed....)

Mine used to be optimistic, lively, warm, good humoured and funny. Now he's greyer, sadder, often depressed, somewhat unwell, short-tempered; has been accused on this site of acting like a bully, but strikes me as a basically decent man doing his bewildered best with some quite odd family problems.

I don't know how he would be if life were different. I worry that although we love each other, we may not be that good for each other.

LeQueen, yours is the funny, charismatic guy who managed to lose a whole expensive car, isn't he? Mine just loses wallets. And mobiles. And door keys, cufflinks, BlackBerries,...

On the other side of the balance, the sex is rarer but bloody fantastic!

LeQueen - v positive response - gives me hope!!

Mumblechum - good to know that even if life throws you a few curveballs, you can still be happy 20 years on!

yes. He's grown up!

He's less of a boozer, doesn't stay out for 24/48 hours with his phone turned off!

RV - that's cool. He sounds like the guy I'm seeing..lets hope it continues. Why did you think it was an act? What made you realise it wasn't?

he's not as shy as he used to be, but that's more because he's been forced to be like that.

he's not got as much hair.

but he's still basically the same

He's stayed the same but I appreciate him more now because I've grown my immature ass up, reassessed my values and realised what's important.

30 years and he is still polite and kind. The only change is that he is now debt free and tight as a duck's arse with money after 30 years of being with a Yorkshire woman.

He is greyer and less energetic but also more chilled, he laughs more and has thrown himself into family life.

We have more fun and argue less.

Well, DH was 16y when we met and he is 37y now - so air to say that he, and I, have changed somewhat over the years.

He's becoming a bit of a grumpy old man! He's fundamentally still the same very kind, caring, loyal man I fell in love with 17 years ago - but definitely more of a grouch. 50 in a couple of years - eek.

DP isn't as romantic as he used to be and we have less sex, but to be fair he is now 43 and we have a 2yr old DD!
We went through quite a bad patch when we first set up home due to issues with his ex and DSD, plus he was made redundant, so much so that he actually changed his mind for a while about having children with me, but we came out of the blackness a few years ago and whilst i do miss the romance, he is still the same dependable, thoughtful man he always was. (eg he always offers to drive if we go out as he's not fussed about drinking)

I think I miss the romance because he was so very good at it (eg I received a text a few months after we met saying 'Paris, Geneva or Nice short break? You decide where'. Swoons )

I am totally settled with him though because previously I was married for 7 years and with exH for over 10. We had a laugh but I now know i was 'looking after him'. He was lazy and a big drinker who would never walk beside me on the pavement - he always strode off ahead. Deep down I knew he wasn't for me but I didn't see how I could leave. I also loathed children - not interested in the slightest with him (just another kid to look after perhaps?).

Met DP and within weeks wanted a baby with him. We moved in together within the year then as I said we hit the worst patch I could imagine but somehow got through it and came out the other side still together - that told me alot (5 years ago I would never have felt able to call his DD my DSD but am now delighted to).
Now just got to convince him to marry me

Some lovely experiences here. Mine is different, though. DH did change as soon as we lived together, more and more, as the months went by. He was pretty much the same for the first month of living together than he had been prior to living together. I did not take on board the subtle changes because I was so fabulously head over heels in love with him. He was my dream come true. He was very kind and loving to me. He changed again more when we got married; and more so again as soon as we have our first child.

OP, how long have you known him? Do you live together yet?