Has your DP/DH changed since you met him?

[tiptop2]

If so - for better or worse?

The reason I ask is I've met such a lovely man, he's amazing - so kind and supportive and I can really see a future with him. I guess I'm just scared about him changing. I think I'm paranoid from a previous experience where I thought I was in love only to find out he wasn't the man I thought he was. It's only happened once but I think I'm scarred by it.

Just interested to know whether most people feel their DP/DH gets better the more you're with them and whether he still has the values/attributes you fell in love with to start with.

I have decided that once you live with someone you really get to know them fully.

iifsn - sorry to hear about your expereince. Are you still together with your DH? Are you happy despite him changing over time?

We've been together 5 months, not living together but as he doesn't live that near me, he stays at mine every weekend which seems to work. He's going away with his work for a few months in Jan so that will be a test of being apart but I'd like to live with him when he gets back as agree that that is probably the best way to get to know him best.

When we first met very early on we talked about when we were going to get married and have children. Then as the years have gone by we have got married and had our first. Everything we ever dreamed about and talked about has played out and been even better than we could of imagined.

My husband and I met in training for the military. Within 1 week he rang his mum and said she is the girl I want to marry.

He got his top posting right next to his parents but after knowing me 1 month turned it down and swapped it for a place 400 miles from home. We were seperated for 1 monthand he wrote me a love letter every day. I still have every one in a box.

He then moved to my new base with me and we moved in together. Since then we never looked back. We got married and had our daughter and now we are civilians and living where I am from. We are both 26 and have nearly been married 7 years now and we both knew when we met that it was the real thing.

He is still as kind as thoughtful as ever. When you know, you know.

Do people really change that much, or do their partners just not want to see the real them?

My DH has barely changed in the 28 years we've been together, we are both basically the same people we were at 16, although I've certainly mellowed.

Basically he puts me and DD first, always has, always will - he's the most unselfish, giving (of himself/his time) person I know.

malifence-sometimes, yes, people do change that much, or, maybe when you live with someone, that's when you really get to know what they are really like.

When we first met. We lived at opposite ends of the country, so I guess we only really got to know each other when we decided to go for it, he found a new job up north and we moved in together.

I think that we have both changed gradually, going from carefree people in our 20s, moving ahead in our careers, getting married and having DS. I would say our friendship, respect and love has grown stronger, but maybe we don't have the sizzling passion part (or at least less often). But I wouldn't swap it! The basic things that brought us together, like laughing at the same things, similar values, and generally finding each other to be interesting, are still there. I feel like we have grown up together, and even when he annoys me a bit, I can't imagine us to ever be apart.

the bad things about him remain and have never changed, the good things have got better

malifence -But it's great to hear how alot of people do carry on being consistent in their behaviour from when you first got to know them.

I am probably on the wrong thread.

I think that he's basically stayed the same - kind, thoughtful, clever, funny. But after 16/17 years we both act differently - we're not as carefree, we've got much more responsibility etc. But we've changed together, and I think that's important.

Only way we've changed differently is that I've put on a couple of pounds and he's much fitter now.

He has improved immensely under my tutelage.

Kidding.

I've known him three years, we've been together 2.5 and I don't think he's changed, I've just gotten to know him better (naturally). And, the more I know him, the more I like him. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me

My mum always says that it takes two years until you really know a person, warts and all.

I agree there can definitely be an element of being blind to things because we don't want to see them though. Listen to your instincts, especially if they're telling you something you don't want to hear.

Not really changed at all. Matured, slightly, but still moves heaven and earth for me and gives me goosebumps at the very thought of him :)

I think you must realise that your question stems from fear that you are incapable of making an accurate judgement or decision. For whatever reason. Yes you may change, he may change, you may change together and grow closer or you may not. Nobody can answer your question but yourself. I would like to ask you one question however, which may sound a little silly. Try and forget and ignore the fripperies and superficialites.
Do you think that his soul and yours understand each other?
My partner and myself have had ups and downs and some serious problems but we have always known underneath that all is well. Do you get that feeling?

My DH has definitely changed but I think that the difference is that he realised that he was not who he thought he was...

When we met, he was involved with a group of people who were very self-involved, big party people, liked to think that they were all very trendy and cool when it came to things like relationships and they were a rather incestuous bunch, all sleeping with each other, etc. I was NOT like that and never have been and it caused a lot of problems for us - mainly because I could see that DH was not actually the same as these people in essentials but he was desperatley trying to be.

Things came to a head when we decided to live together after 2 years and I had to make it clear that the kind of life he was fantasising about wasn't going to happen with me. He picked me.

I can honestly say that since we married, settled and had our family he has totally changed. He's not interested in any kind of party lifestyle these days and puts the children and me 100% first. I think it was quite a surprise for him to realise that he actually enjoys this kind of life. His eyes were also opened by seeing the changes in his friends too. These so-called hip and trendy non-conformists are now all neurotic 30-somethings who have gone all traditional and had kids, got married, etc, and DH has realised that most of what they were spouting was a load of crap.

I find it hard to believe that anybody could not change over a period of years. We are always changing whether we're aware of it or not , and so are the people around us.

The difficulties in relationships come when someone starts changing in a way that makes their DP unhappy. Its often so gradual that people only notice it after the change has embedded itself in their DP's personality. Sometimes wecan leave it too late to address things because we can be busy with work, DCs etc - that's when relationships get stuck in a rut. Sometimes when we try and do something about it we can be too forceful, judgemental or aggressive, meaning that the DP simply goes defensive and conversation stops.

I reckon the trick is to make sure that you have time for each other - every day where possible - right from the very beginning. Its a bit of a cliche, but regular quality time with a DP makes all the difference, simply because it means that issues get sorted out right at the beginning (often before they even become 'issues'), communication becomes practised and regular and both people feel they are their DP's priority.

Its a little bit blue-sky thinking because life does throw some crap at us, but this is one of the main things people are talking about when they say that relationships need work. The good thing is that this work can often be a lot of fun .

LeQueen i do remember your funny stories about DH losing things and i was :o
how did that man dump you? (nosy emoticon)

OP to answer your question,my DH has changed for the better,he doesn't pace around the lounge getting frustrated because none of his friends are available for a night out

He is so sure of himself as a husband and father and for someone who once told me puppies were cuter than babies i am surprised when he gets up at night to tend to your DD,
He has lost interest in partying,comes home 11pm,before 3am was the best i could get,mind you he was still a fabulous man just acted like a boy,

all in all,he is still the sexy bald headed ,strong thighed ,muscled man i fell for and he always puts DD and myself first.

I met my DH when he was 19 (9 years ago) and he definitely has changed, but for the better. When I first met him all the fundamentals were there - he was kind, considerate, a good listener, romantic etc etc but he was a little immature in some ways and could be selfish with some aspects of his life. For example, he refused to learn to drive but was quite happy for me to drive him everywhere, needed a huge amount of convincing to "let" me move in with him, was totally unbothered by jobs and a career, was a ridiculously picky eater, and was generally useless on the domestic front.

The main change in him has occurred in the last 4 years since we got engaged and then married. He has really stepped up to what he believes a husband should be and I'm delighted. He has a great job that he's very very good at, he's taking his driving test soon (in the snow -eek!), he has painstakingly taught himself to eat a wider range of foods, he is much much better with housework and does practically all of it now that I'm about to pop out our first baby, and he is totally committed to me. I can honestly say that the vast majority of things that used to bother me about him are gone and that I love him more now than I ever did :) :)

When we first met we both lived for going out and drinking, then a couple of years down the line I got pg, and my boozy, never had a proper job, lovely but dopey, turned into a grown up, he's never been ambitious career wise (I always earned much more than him), but having DD has made him focussed on making a better life for us all, we still enjoy a drink, but DD comes first, he's morped into a wonderful sweet, grownup and responsible version of the silly party boy I fell in love with.

We've both changed a lot - I was 100% career minded and now have found there's so much more to life than work - but essentially we're still the same people with the same values.

yay to you LeQueen not taking the skunk back:o that was so so not nice,,about getting physically sick,i thought it was just in the movies till an ex of mine broke up with me in terrible way,that was the only time i got sick over a man:o,took my virginity,and when his mates told him that now he was in it big time,he had to 'prove ' himself to them that he could break up with one of the cutest girls at the our college,and he did,only to come back a year later wanting me back too,,ahg,,