What makes you interesting (to your DH/DP or male friends)

[cloudedview]

This may sound a bit odd but I feel a bit hollow. I mean I have a some very close friendships with girlfriends - new and old who I see lots of - even more so now since H left about a year ago. I spend lots of time with them and we can talk endlessly about DCs (I have 2 young ones), what a twunt my ex is and how hurt and angry I still am, strictly, corrie, cooking, chatting about who is doing what etc. We laugh (thankfully, finally) drink wine, go for lovely walks and do lots of stuff with the DCs but....

I have no idea what I would talk about if I was to start dating again. I have this idea that I would have to be a whole lot more interesting if I wanted to attract a man - and that somehow they are a different species that would not find any of the 'fluff' that my girlfriends and I talk about interesting...and I guess it's true.

I don't have any really strong opinions on anything , no real passions, interests and no hobbies - am not even sure what music i like as my ex's became the stuff I ended up liking too. I could use having 2 very young children as an excuse for this and the fact that I am by myself so childcare v difficult to come by but actually if you took all of that away I think my problem is that I don't actually know what I would do to 'make' myself interesting. Yes I would take the time to read a paper, go back to my acting class etc but I still feel a bit unsure apart from that.

My ex used to hint at one of the reasons we grew apart was that we didn't have any shared interests - and I didn't really have any so I guess that has fueled my insecurities. From the outside looking in I seem like a good catch - Am pretty, dress fashionably, am told I am very witty, have a good job etc and I don't feel ready to start dating yet anyway but just wondered what the hell I would talk about if it came to a date ? I guess I just never expected to be catapulted back onto the market once we settled down and had a family so I feel very unsure of myself.As i said I have enough on my plate at the moment anyway, am in counselling and do not feel ready to be with anyone anyway but I just want to become a more rounded person i guess.

What do you do/have that makes you interesting- ?

I like football, music and moths (obv) and that's it. I am also boring!

I don't think you need hobbies.

I think if you can sit and listen to someone and not be bored; if you can feed back to them the idea that you find them really interesting, and feel similarly about some stuff;

it's not about hobbies. It's about who you are inside, and who they are and you'll find their hobbies and interests become interesting to you, when you are in love with them.

It'll come, is what I'm saying. You sound really sorted, getting therapy etc. Absolutely way to go.

You will become a stronger person and infinitely more attractive once you know yourself well.

Why do you have to be interesting? Cant you just be kind, warm, funny, interested, astute etc etc
Me and my H have ZERO shared hobbies, life isnt all about kayacking together

if you did go on a daye, he would listent o you talk about yourself, you would listen to him and hopefully you woudl click.

BUT conversely it also sounds like you ahve zero confidence or faith in yourself- so perhaps finding some interests FOR YOU, not just to give you topics of conversation, might be a good idea

Your post also reads like you have to be the one impressing your date- what expectations do you have of them?

My tits mostly.

BoF...
Are they fun bags?
Ewwwwwww

I find they like it when i get my round in.

cloudedview do you really not have any interests, passions or hobbies?

Really?

I don't believe that. If you had no interests, passions or hobbies you would be a very dull boring person.

You're probably overthinking this.

Can you put forward your opinions or views on topics of conversation?

Do you know things you can share with others?

Do you read? If you read a lot there is always something you can talk about from what you've read.

My main passion in life is climbing. My BF is a climber and so are my other male friends, but while that is what brought us all together that is not what we talk about to the exclusion of all else.

When you stop worrying about what to talk about I find the conversation just flows (if you click with the person that is, if the conversation doesn't flow you're probably better off not dating anyway).

Ennis - I think you are right.I do have issues about 'inner confidence' and maybe that's some of the problem.

Cyb - yes you have a point - I think my ex made such a huge point of the importance of being interesting (and then he b*ggered off) that it is quite a big issue for me - and maybe this also ties in with the having to impress a date - ie I wasn't 'enough' for him so why would I be enough for anyone else - but actually he has soooo many of his own issues and I think there was a lot of blame thrown my way through his own guilt so I guess I need to stop feeling the 'need to impress' that I felt with him in the end.

I have a real admiration for people who are unapologetic about who they are even if I don't agree with them.I do consider myself to be kind, warm, astute etc but is this really enough ?!

Just be you. I like to think i'm honest and many people have told me they like that i'm an open book

Men are not a different species. The same things that make you interesting to your friends will make you interesting to anyone of either gender.

I know plenty of men who like talking about Strictly and cooking and children, and drinking wine, and going for walks.

Cyb is right - you sound down on yourself.

I agree with cyb.

You don't need a hobby in order to be interesting to someone. If someone likes you they will be interested to listen to whatever you talk about, just like you will be interested to listen to whatever they talk about.

clouded that will be enough for the right man, who falls for you for who you are, not for your efforts to impress.

Just be yourself, talk about what you enjoy talking about, be a good listener. No point trying to be more 'interesting', you don't need to be.

Forget your ex, he sounds like a twat. What would he know?

As a woman I can't think of anything more boring than endless conversations about children and ex-bashing. Sorry but that does sound dull.

You must be interested in something, the world is such an endlessly interesting place that something in it must engage you. Both my male and female friends and I will talk about poetry, books, music, films, current affairs, politics, economics, food, hunting/shooting/fishing... The list is endless, in fact there isn't much we don't talk about.

listening and being interested in what HE is saying. (If he's not interesting you don't want to know him anyway, do you?)

You might meet someone in a non date situation anyway.

eg. You might get chatting with a nice Dad one-day at the school-gates ( A single Dad picking up his children - It could happen ! )

Or get talking to someone on a park bench, or in the queue at a cafe etc. Perhaps on a course, or through work ...

I'm just thinking the date/ bar/ restaurant scenario is possibly more for the youngsters.
Anyway, it's not the only possibility ...

Definitely agree with the poster who said use this space/ time to think about what you're looking for in a man/ relationship !

I'm sure you've a lot to offer them !

thanks - Yes I do love keeping up to date (well at least buying one of the saturday papers) but with 1dd (3) and 1ds (5 months) and being a single mum I find any time that would have been used to connect with other things is used to deal with other essential stuff -Maybe I am trying to fit too much in - am also trying to deal with the fall out of the marriage, finances and am on mat leave so maybe I should shelve trying to be too on top of stuff at the mo.

I can relate to people - friends ask me my opinion on things all the time - thats the thing - I seem to be 'emotionally intelligent' but just don't really know ''stuff'. I think my H was such a huge personality that he took over both of us and I was the one behind the scenes holding it all together whilst he got to be the fun, interesting one.

ex bashing - Callisto - its been a terrible 12 months and have gone thru my 2nd pregnancy by myself with him claiming (for a couple of weeks) he wanted back in as recently as October before going again so dealing with the fallout from that has taken up so much of the last year. Maybe it's a good sign I started thinking about the 'interesting' thread as it means I am sick to death of ex bashing and want to move on.

Anyway the general message seems to be that its not specific interests - its down to the whole package and how you feel about yourself and therein lies the problem I thik - but at least I can recognise it now.

Never mention the ex - it will kill a date faster than facial pustules.

oh - no I get that. I was just saying that his antics have taken up far too much airspace over the last 12 months - need to move on now!

What everyone says, really. There's no need to try and make yourself more interesting - the right man will find you fascinating as you are. Be interested in the other person, have an opinion, even if it's "oh I've not considered that before".
BTW if you rely on your tits, you'll attract tit-heads.

life isnt all about kayacking together

great line cyb

I think cloudedview that it is about being comfortable with who you are. If you had a bad time with the twunt then your self confidence has taken a knock. You will recover but be gentle on yourself.

Practising in non threatening situations meeting new people and chatting about random stuff and asking them about themselves will be good for you. Even if it is just old ladies in the library when you go to change the childrens books or random people in the checkout queue.

My DSis is brilliant at this. She goes through life chatting to random people on trains and in shops and is great at making new friends. Try it and see!

Fantastic line whenallelsefails

You don't need a hobby to be interesting. In fact I can't think of anything more boring than someone going on about their hobby! As long as you have opnions, can talk about your everyday life and have a sense of humour you will be fine. You are definitely over-thinking this.

I have nearly everything in common with my DP (I am female) and I have always had male friends and find it difficult to talk to women . This sounds silly but here is a recent conversation me and my best (male friend) had.

I discovered I had a latex alergy so gave him all my latex condoms most of which were flavoured and colourful. He said he was sure i did this on purpose because when he is lucky enough to get a girl home he is gonna put the red condom on and it will look like a mini lightsaber and she is gonna say "use the force" at which point they will desolve in laughter and that will be the end of it. Either that or he will put on the mint flavoured green one and his penis will look gangrene.

We all like sci-fi, computer games and sports. But the reason I am telling you this is not because I think you should try to enjoy those activities or be so comfortable you can talk about sex and masturbating with men, but to show you that you draw people towards you who like certain things.

You should never change who you are to please or attract someone else. You will not find happiness that way, just be yourself and wait till you find someone who can love you for who you are, who can admire and respect your traits who enjoys spending time with you. You don't always have to have shared hobbies you can find those after the feelings come. I have just as much in common with My DP as my best friend (yet we are not in love) it is not having similar interests that makes a person fall in love but someones personality. Sorry for the long post I seem to be writing epic stories today but anyway HTH and that you find the right partner for you.