don't know what to do about partner!

[dontknowwot2do]

Hi there,

I really need some advice about what to do about my partner...

We have a 4 month old son, my dad died just over 2 months ago, and my mum now has money problems, and is a difficult person to get along with anyway. Added to this, we now have to move house as our (rented) house is freezing cold (I've been having the heating on full blast, and the room temp still doesn't go over 14 centigrade!), and has mould in the bedroom.

So, I have quite a lot on my plate. I was devastated by my dad's death, which was untimely, but I am coping. I have a wonderful brother, and close family. Also, the baby is very good and a joy to look after.

My partner is unemployed, he gave up some part-time teaching just after my dad died, saying that it was too stressful, what with everything that had happened, and that he wanted to be there for me. However, he hasn't been with me to see my mum for nearly a month now, leaving me to struggle on the train (I'm not a very good driver), because he says she hates him. It is true that she is sometimes funny with him, but she's like that with everyone, and he seems to think that she isn't upset by my dad dying, and she is, she's really really upset.

He's also meant to be putting energy into a small business start up, which has eaten up our meagre savings (well, my savings, of about £3k) but he hasn't done anything, and spends his days reading philosophy, and has just informed me he wants to be a psychoanalyst. Which would be fine, but he's 34 and training to be a psychoanalyst takes 4 years, and requires money, and the course he wants to do is in London and we live in the north west.

He also blames me for holding him back, but I really don't think I have. He wants to move to France, and says that if I believed in him more that we could move there. But I don't see how we could. We have no savings, he has no job, I am a PhD student, earning just £13k a year. Also, I don't want to move abroad, especially now my dad's died, I can't make any decisions like that, aside from it not being practicable.

We've lived a studenty lifestyle for the 9 years we've been together. Whilst he was doing his PhD, I worked, and we enjoyed having an allotment, going to the pub, going on camping holidays, and having a make-do-and-mend lifestyle, making our own beer etc.

Now I'm doing a PhD, he doesn't seem to want to work, which I did whilst he did his PhD, saying that we'd lose what we receive in child tax credits and housing benefit (£320 a month), so working wouldn't be worth it.

Having a child, I just feel like it's time to grow up and to be pragmatic. It's true that with the higher education funding cuts that there are no jobs in academia, but there are post-doctoral funding opportunites. And if the situation was reversed, I'd get a job doing whatever.

Don't know how to give him a kick up the bum. Tips please!

Thank you

He gave up a part time job because it was too stressful and he wants to support you, but he's not supporting oyu as you are broke and angry

he wants to be a psychoanalyst

he watns to do a course in london

he wants to move to france

he wants to start a small business

you're holding him back

he has no job, he's used your savings

what should you do?

dump him!

he's a drain and a dreamer and a drifter

not attractive qualities in a life partner and father of your children

if he thikns he can't get a job earning more than £320 how ar you going to move to France/london/fund a 4 year course?

And I am very sorry you've lost your dad.

Agree with Lulumaam.
He sounds terribly immature.

lulu is right. Maybe dump him as first option is too stark, but it is a possibility if he doesn't change.

I agree, he is all of those things. The thought of being on my own is daunting, though, and I would miss him. We always got on really well, but haven't for the past six months or so. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, but then I feel disloyal for feeling like that.

Do you not think that there is something I could say or do to get him to change?

Yes I agree!!

He is dreaming. Maybe time to let go and let him get on with it!

So should I tell him honestly how I'm feeling? I find it hard to be frank with him, as I know that he isn't very confident anyway, and I don't like the thought of upsetting him. He keeps asking me why I never talk to him, but I just feel really mad, and a bit trapped in this relationship, and bitter I suppose. Also, I feel that if I give him an ultimatum, he will make all sorts of promises which will come to naught.

You've had a baby.
If that doesn't make him change, nothing will.

I don't know how I would ever meet anyone else, what with having a child? I've been in long term relationships since I was 17 (now 31) so find the idea really scary.

I know it is a stark choice, and it might not be the right one

don't even think about life iwth someone else, think about what would be a good life for you and your child.

would it be worse to be on your own, than to carry on with him<

I'm afraid when there are children, you don't get to bail out on jobs/ life because it's stressful

taht's life

how is not working and being skint less stressful>

how will he find his lifestle? oh, thats right, you will fund it ! or you're holding him back

it's a slippery and dangerous slope

"Do you not think that there is something I could say or do to get him to change?"

Short answer to that question is no. He has no real will to want to make a change; sounds like he cannot or will not take any responsibility for anything. He seems to be running away from it all hence the proposed move to France or a London based course. Its all pipedreams and he's actually dragging you down with him. He is a 34 year old Peter Pan.

You cannot live like this, it will not do you or your child any favours at all. He probably wants you to end it as well so he can say to others that it was your decision and does not have to be the "bad person" here.

Very sorry also to read of your Dad's passing. CRUSE are always helpful if you felt any need for bereavement counselling.

Another one in agreement here I'm afraid. He is living in cloud cuckoo land. He is now, whether he likes it or not, a 'family' man. And with that comes responsibility.

He is not 'supporting you' in any way - emotionally or financially, so he needs to get a grip and get a job. He could make considerably more than £320 a month driving a bus or stacking shelves and I am afraid that the reason he is not considering 'mundane' work is because he thinks he is above it intellectually. Tough! Times are hard and you have a new baby.

Remind your DP that it doesn't have to be for ever and if he does want to engage with some course or training, it, as well as your family, will need funding so it is a means to an end.

We have an 'actor' friend like this. He is now 37 with two DCs and works 3 or 4 times a year doing small parts in theatre/tv. He seems to believe that 'real' work doesn't apply to him because he is far to creative to be dulled by the reality of a boring job. We all think he is a selfish twat

Great post by Lulu

"He wants to move to France, and says that if I believed in him more that we could move there."

If you believed in him more you could move into this nice bridge I have to sell in Brooklyn.

He's an unemployed layabout who used your father's death as a excuse for giving up work, who is not supporting you through your PhD, who has blown you savings, and who blames you for the fact that he can't make a go of anything.

You're not trapped, you just think you are.

When you move, find a place for you and your child and ask him to sort himself out.

Tell him he should move to France and London and start a business and do a course and become a psychoanalyst and that he must write frequently and let you know how he's getting on.

Have you been in long term relationships continuously since you were 17?. Think you now need some time on your own to find out who you really are and what you want from life. Your child will thank you for that as well. You are just enabling him currently and he is bleeding you dry.

My friend's H is a bit like your man; yet another who gave up his course as it was too "stressful" (something that he asked her to initially pay for btw). He also lives in cloud cuckoo land and always expects her to fund his latest scheme/course.

His contribution now to the overall running of their household - nada. She is now a shadow of her former self; its killed her self worth. He is nothing but a leeching parasite.

what a waster. get rid before he causes you any more damage, emotionally or financially. see how his pipedreams get on when he has to cough up to the CSA every month!!

If you move to France don't think you can claim tax credits?? Also has he ever worked full time since you have been together? Seems to me he is one of those people that will do anything to avoid the real world. Sorry but at his age he needs to grow up, he has a child! In what way is he supporting you? Im not seeing anything you are gaining from having him in your life right now.

I think you are right when you say that he wants me to end it, I think that at least part of him wants that, as he said last week that his worst nightmare was coming true - that I would leave him and not let him see the baby. Yet, at the same time, he gets excited, saying that we could have 6 kids (no way!) as I am a 'natural mother'. I find this such a stupid thing to say. How could we have 6 kids and I don't want 6 kids. Our baby is lovely, having one requires such a big chunk of time, and is such a commitment, never mind 6! He seems to think that having a baby costs nothing as well. Yet he doesn't do anything to try and stop me from being annoyed with him/from leaving him. He's really quite lazy round the house, and leaves the majority the caring for the baby to me. Leaving him would seem so drastic though. But to be honest, the thought of it makes me feel a bit excited at the same time. But I wouldn't want to upset his parents, I know they'd be devastated.

ps thank you for the condolences Attila and Lulumaam xx

No, he's never worked full time. He did an MA, then a PhD, then was on the dole, then last year did some part-time teaching, from October to June, and was meant to do the same this year, but packed it in.

dontknow - so sorry about your Dad :(

Very remiss of me not to have said anything last time.

This must be a very difficult time for you.

His parents would be devastated because they know you're the only good thing going on in his life.

But that doesn't mean you owe him, or them, anything.

Well the other reason they'd be devastated is because they'd be afraid for their relationship with the baby. But you'd see to it that they kept that up, I'm sure.

You should be excited at the thought of leaving. You will feel so much lighter when you don't have this man dragging you down.

You cannot, simply just cannot, bring his parents feelings of "devastation" into all this. That is a big error on your part if you are to consider their feelings. Also if you split they would still be your child's grandparents wouldn't they? They are not living the life you are living either so please do not give them this particular undue consideration.

Leaving him would give him a kick up the jacksi he so badly needs. He still won't change his overall attitude though.

He has likely been enabled by his parents and now you long enough - time to cut him loose now for your sake as well as your child's.

And he wants you to have six children - you have two already i.e him and your child. What planet is he on?.

Please do not stay with him out of feelings of pity or consideration for his parents feelings. They are partly responsible for him being as he is now.

Hey there. What a tough time you are having. It's a massive change having a child. And losing your father at pretty much the same time must be devastating. I think you are both in mourning for the way things were and the lifestyle you had.
All the changes and the lack of sleep and lack of freedom can really hit you hard.

Maybe your partner is just dreaming of all these other options as a way of blanking out the reality of how your life is NOW and how it will be.

Rather than going guns blazing with him I think you both need to sit down and talk about how things have changed and that you can't have that lovely hippy/studenty lifestyle now. Say what your expectations were and how they are different and talk about how you can work together to get your lives back on track to make a happy family for your new little baby to grow into.

Sorry to sound all hippy/happyclappy but I think lots of people go though this big shock with their new baby but just don't talk about it. Hopefully if you tell him how upset you are and how unsupported you feel it will jolt him to start to change for the better. And THEN if he does nothing and continued to be a waster you can justify thinking of jacking it all in.
Good Luck.

...I meant to say that I sometimes feel MN people are too ready to say "walk" or "Boot" the other person. But who would choose to bring a child up alone when with a bit of work you have the possibility of things working out? Things are not irretrievable between you (unlike other cases of abuse etc) so I'd say definately talk first walk second.

everything he wants is pie in the sky

but if he watned to make it reality, it would require hard work and effort

and he cannot hack a part time job??

i will stake everything i own on this - if you decided to move to london so he could do his course or france or whatver, you would do all the work. All of it. From every phonecall, letter, email, solicitors visit for the legalities, any sort of documentation to move countries, and houses... everything

he would merely sit back and allow you to do it, as he's stressed/studying/setting up a business

of course he wants 6 kids, he doesn't have to do any work to raise them!

of course he watns to move to france, he won't have to lift a finger to make it happen

Sorry to hear about your father, it's tough, especially when unexpected.

Regarding moving to France. Suggest to him that he has a look on here someone will put him right, none too gently either if he comes over as being a complete prat. Basically, if you aren't retired, don't have a job, you don't have any state-funded medical care.

He will have a critical eye, or several hundred, passed over his plans by people who have bought and/or are living in France.

There is no French uptopia of universal benefits like in the UK. If you aren't working, or aren't self-supporting, you only have the right to remain in another EU country for 3 months. After that you have to return to the country of which you are a citizen.