wow! thanks for all the messages, I'm pushed for time right now, so can't reply properly, but here are my quick thoughts...
First, yes, I do feel like his mum. And I have set him goals, but he doesn't meet them, and I've lost heart nagging him, cos it makes me feel horrible, and like I'm making him do stuff he doesn't want to do. Last year, when he was teaching, it was a real drain emotionally, as he got really nervous in the build up to the days when he'd be teaching, and I'd have to tell him that he'd be fine, that he's a good teacher, help him prepare his lecture, listen to him practice. I'd be nervous too, but he seemed to think that the work I had to do was unimportant, and after a few months, I would have thought that he would have got over the nerves and been able to stand on his own to feet. This year, when he said he was going to give up the teaching, I didn't have the energy to argue, and I realised that I wouldn't have the energy to build up his confidence every week.
When I'm at at my mum's house, although she's a difficult person, and there are money worries, and so many reminders of my dad, I feel like I'm on holiday, cos her or my brother will pick up the baby, make dinner, do the washing up, ask me if I have any washing. I still do my share, but I feel like I'm spoilt. Which isn't a good sign. I'm about to leave the house to get a train home, and I'm dreading it.
Partner was on the phone last night, full of beans cos he's made an appointment to see a workshop for his business venture. Dont' know how the rent for this will be paid for! It's quite cheap, at £3.5k a year, but we can't afford it, and I feel like it's another unacheivable dream.
He has had a full time job, just not since we've been together. He worked since he was 13 in crappy jobs - cafes, then a factory, and building sites, then went to uni. I've worked since I was 16 every summer holiday from school and uni, and in the gaps between my studies in offices doing admin/secretarial/basic accounts. He thinks that those types of jobs are easy for me, as I'm an organised person, adn that he couldn't do them, and no one would employ him. He thinks he's unemployable.
I do love him, at least I did until recently, and I feel bad for him for his lack of confidence.
I've had a fantasy, since the baby was born, of living in a flat, with no clutter (he's got loads of hobbies that take up loads of space), where I don't have to pick up after anyone but me and the baby.
As to what I get out of the relationship, it used to be that he was my best friend, that we had a great laugh, talked about ideas, books, but I don't want to talk to him anymore. I resent him, and I hate to hear him waffling on. In the past I wouldn't have thought of it as waffling on, I would have thought of it as listening to his interesting ideas - I guess I looked up to him.
We haven't had sex on a regular basis for 4 years. He has given me loads of different excuses, but it comes down to his lack of confidence. If he thinks someone fancies me, it really damages his confidence. I've shut that part of myself off, do not flirt or ever respond to that sort of thing, but I do sometimes think I'd like to have an affair, whilst I'm still young and attractive, but then feel bad for feeling like that. He is quite attractive, but doesn't pay any attention to his appearance - he picks his clothes up off a pile from the floor, doesn't have his hair cut regularly, doesn't trim his beard... THe other week, I got ready to come to my mum's and he seemed to take affront that I'd put make up on, and made an effort to look nice.
So yes, reading this, it seems obvious what I should do, but I'd like him to change, I'll certainly get him to read people's advice about moving to France, he seems to think it's a utopia! And I'm going to write out a version of what I've written here, and give him a chance to do something, cos I haven't told him these things, at least not very clearly.
Got to go now, thanks everyone... XX