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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he really as petty and selfish as I think he is right now?

53 replies

TumTumChop · 28/11/2010 21:32

DP and I live together but we're seperating - that is that we're looking for seperate accomodation but supposedly staying together as a couple. This is because he have very different ideas on parenting and so until our kids have left home, we felt it would be easier on everyone if we just lived seperately for a few years.
So I am in the process of looking for somewhere else to live and ever since we decided on this, he has starting going out and buying new things for when I've left. He's bought a microwave, vacuum cleaner, a new pan set, a new iron and is now considering buying an xbox kinect but he makes it clear each time that none of this stuff will be used until I've gone. In other words, he wants to be the first to use it and he doesn't want me getting use out of anything he's bought himself.
This infuriated me earlier when I'm stood there ironing HIS work clothes with our old broken iron and he says "I'd let you use my new one but ... you know".
I said "no, I don't know ... why can't I??" so he said "well, I bought it with my own money, I don't want it getting all messed up! I bought it for when you've moved out". It was HIS clothes I was ironing!!!
He's getting like this with everything. He bought a book and was frightened to death I would have a read of it before he had. He's started to whinge when I ask to borrow his mp3 player. Its like he cant stand to see me getting use out of ANYTHING he's "Bought himself" yet he says he still wants a relationship with me once I've moved out??

Why would he be this petty if he genuinly cared for me or is he in the right here?

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:33

Why are you doing his ironing?

TumTumChop · 28/11/2010 21:34

Oh I'm due to finish my training in 3 years time. He keeps refering to this and going on about all the nice holidays we can go on when my salary jumps and the nice house we can get etc. I sometimes feel as if he doesn't want me now because I'm poor but he's willing to "have me back" when I've got a decent income.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:34

Oh, and proper answer - he's messing with your head. He wants to control you even after he's gone by pretending that you have a future.

He doesn't want to be your partner - he wants to be your owner, as long as he doesn't have to put any effort in himself.

What are the very different ideas on parenting you have?

GypsyMoth · 28/11/2010 21:35

Are you for real??

Doing his ironing????

TumTumChop · 28/11/2010 21:35

He does a lot of housework, he made dinner tonight and washed up.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:35

Have you told him to fuck off yet? Grin

PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:36

Yep, so did I. Well, I haven't done the washing up yet but I will. But honestly, only so I remember to set the coffee pot up for the morning. Do I get a gold star?

Mummiehunnie · 28/11/2010 21:36

I'm not surprised he still wants you to be in a relationship with him after you move out, if he is behaving as he is when you are doing his ironing with a broken Iron, and not handing the shirt or what ever to him to iron with his new stuff, is he always this disrespectfull to you, and do you always take this off him? you don't deserve it you know, hugs to you, and I think you will have a lovely life when you have left x

PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:40

So what are the differing ideas on parenting that are making you live separately?

maktaitai · 28/11/2010 21:40

I've started several different posts about this but they all sound wrong. It sounds as if your partner really hates the intrusion of someone else on his territory. I actually sympathise to some extent, i find living with other people pretty hard. I'm not a complete twat with my possessions though, I hope.

Tell us a bit more about the parenting conflict? Why do you all think it will work better when you are apart?

AnyFucker · 28/11/2010 21:41

why are you going along with this ridiculous situation ?

did you read that back and think "you silly, silly mare..."

'cos I did

grow some balls love, and tell him where to stick his new iron

take your new life into your hands, and move on from this dickhead

and if you iron one more item of his clothing (or launder, or fold, or cook, or suck his cock) you are a fool....

defineme · 28/11/2010 21:44

I'm sorry I don't know what to say.
This is the strangest thing I've heard of ever.

So you can't agree about parenting but you both want to remain a couple? How? Who does this? Who's idea was this? Will your children not find this strange? Is this a good example of a relationship to be giving your dc? Have you had counselling?I'm sorry but I can't understand this without a backstory.

Regarding using 'his' stuff and him buying stuff-he is either very angry with you and that's his way of showing it, very selfish, has mental health problems or something else. No one normal behaves in this way. I can't believe you don't just want to end this-don't you really?

What good qualities has he got?

Why would you do stuff like ironing for someone who behaves in this way?

piratecatClaus · 28/11/2010 21:46

i have never heard anything so pathetic.

YankNCock · 28/11/2010 21:47

Huh? So the kids will be living with him?

Wait...why are you doing his ironing?

Huh?

I just don't understand this at all!

He sounds like a git. Are you together or not? If you are separated (and IMHO even if you're not) you don't do his ironing.

defineme · 28/11/2010 21:48

Try and imagine what your life would be like without him in it-would it be easier/calmer/less complicated/peaceful?

maktaitai · 28/11/2010 21:49

am with defineme

it is hard to imagine it being worse tbh

Tortington · 28/11/2010 21:50

weird

TumTumChop · 28/11/2010 21:50

No he has a child and I have a child and different parenting methods mean that the kids get unfair and conflicting treatment. When the kids are not around we get on fine but since all this came up I'm seeing a really spiteful, childish, nasty side to him and tbh I am thinking I would be better off cutting him out completely once I've gone.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:52

Why do the different parenting methods mean that the kids get treated differently? Or do you mean that you only do your child and he only does his? Confused

PerArduaAdNauseum · 28/11/2010 21:53

'spiteful, childish, nasty' yy - get rid!

ChrisMouse · 28/11/2010 21:53

Does he want to live separately? If he doesn't, perhaps he is using passive-aggressive techniques to make you feel crappy. Are you doing the ironing to compensate for hurting him by leaving him? What's going on OP?

FairhairedandFrustrated · 28/11/2010 21:53

Ohmygod.

Do you have doormat printed on your forehead?

if I have such parenting differences with DH we'd just split - get on with our own lives - not stay together but in different houses.. that way he can have whoever over whislt he has you in another home with his kids, at his beck & call.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Mummiehunnie · 28/11/2010 21:53

What is stopping you cutting him out completely once you have gone?

TumTumChop · 28/11/2010 21:54

He wants me to leave, he's made that clear. By the sounds of it he's quite looking forward to having a part time relationship where he gets laid on a weekend with minimum effort put in on his part during the week.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/11/2010 21:55

yes, take my advice (and your very sensible knee-jerk reaction) and get fucking rid