What would you do if ExH was drink-driving with your children in the car?

[pleasereassure]

H had refused to come to mediation to sort out all aspects of our divorce, despite me offering to pay his costs (I work PT and have full care of our two DCs. I am broke and qualify for legal aid). He has not paid us a bean since leaving in April this year and moving in with his current GF two weeks after leaving us.

After telling him a trillion times, over six months, that it will cost him tens of thousands of pounds to divorce through the courts, I finally persuaded him to meet me today.

He changed the location to a local pub. Whilst there, he drank two pints. He went to get a third but I questioned him about the fact he has to drive home to our DCs (who were at his house with his nan whilst we talked). He didn't have another.

I then had to go and do another errand before collecting DCs. (We live an hour away...mum was in hospital so H agreed to have the boys so I can visit her. H only sees the boys once a month - his choice. He does not phone. Ever).

Collected boys. Asked them if they had had a good day. Yes, they did. they went to Wacky Warehouse. Hmm. What did Dad drink at Wacky Warehouse. Beer. How many? Two.

Two pints at Wacky, then two pints when with me. And then he drove them. I telephoned to ask him about it (very, very nicely). He said that he hadn't...then couldn't face making out that the boys were lying and jsut said "so what?". Then hung up.

One step forward, two back. This is the third time I have had this issue with him and previously had to halt contact as H kept turning up stinking of beer to collect them in the car.

So what now? Dcs love their dad. But it's a safety issue. How can I handle this effectively?

If you see him get into his car when you know he has been drinking then you can phone 999 and tell them.

DH did this with a guy who used to have 3 or 4 pints in the pub dh worked in then drove home. DH got fed up with it, rang 999 one day after he left and the guy was pulled over on his way home, breathalysed then banned.

We were also advised to do it for a neighbour of ours who used to stop at the pub on his way home from work then drive home absolutely steaming.

You have to have seen them actually drink and then get in the car afaik though. We only saw the neighbour as he got home which would have meant getting the police to go into his house and breathalyse him then testifying in court that we'd seen him drive onto his drive.

But I would not be letting him have my dcs until he could prove he had his alcohol issues under control. Regardless of the drink driving, if he's that dependant on alcohol then your dcs are not going to be his priority when they are there.

Stay strong, you know it's his choice not yours and all you have to do is keep your children safe.

Olihan, thanks. All of this info is so useful. Forewarned is forearmed, so they say.

Was meant to have gone to bed but my mind is racing.

" I am worrying myself sick about when the DC are older and they question my decision-making and any time that there was no / limited contact with Dad."

If there isn't no or limited contact, they might not get much older, so don't worry about that at all. Sorry to be so blunt, but you only need one accident to ruin someone's life..

I would advise you to phone Al-Anon. This man is so obviously an alcoholic - he is prioritising his drinking over his relationship with his children, the safety and welfare of his children, and his job. Alcoholics are very good at making other people feel responsible for their actions and it really does sound as though you've got it bad in that way. Talking to them will help you sort out your responses to his drinking and stop you feeling responsible for him. Here's the link for them al anon

Thanks Herbeatitude.

Couldn't sleep last night. My earlier threads (I am a namechanger) explained that I insisted my H left the home due to his excessive and abusive alcohol issues, coupled with the fact that he was on high-strength prozac for depression.

I am going to send a letter today, copied in to his solicitors.

Can someone please explain what supervised access is and how it would work in this situation? My brain is not working well this morning.

Oh I am sorry. This is a really difficult situation; I have experience but don't want to post about it on here, will try to PM you later if I get a moment.

I would say that supervised contact can mean anything from a contact centre to him coming to see the kids in your home, not taking them out unless you go too, and you drive, and not coming in if he is drunk at all.

Or possibly him seeing them in the presence of your parents or another close friend or family member.

He might say no too all those but that's his call and you cannot control it.

Will PM later in case it helps.

Have you been in contact with Alanon? I know he's your ex but they may be able to help.

i found my self in a similar situation when my x came to pick the kids up,i refused to hand them over.he now sees them at his mums house and i take and pick them up.

Just had a lovely chat with Al anon. I have been given the local meeting point and times.

I also spoke to my family lawyer today and agreed that further contact must be supervised by either me at my house, or by his Grandma at her house.

Last night I sat up and pieced together parts of the puzzle...like the children saying that they had played pool with Dad. which would have been in the pub. And when they point to the pub near to Gymnastics and and say that Dad took them there. He would have been drinking and I am now sure he would have been way over the limit. It just hadn't occured to me before that he would take this risk.

Well, I know now. And it won't happen again. Thanks again for talking to me last night.

Good plan, PR

I am glad you are seeing things more clearly now.

And remember, it isn't your fault he is prioritising the drink over his kid's safety. You had every right to expect him to not put their lives at risk. I mean, what loving father would do that ?

as some post said earlier contact the Police , tell them you know your Ex is drinking when he has your kids and driving them around. I had the same with my Ex and the Police can turn up at the pub he is in and catch him out.

You will not be letting the children down by reporting him to the police for drink driving with the children. You will not be letting them down if you stop them seeing him if he turns up having had a drink. However, you are letting them down if you let them get into his car after he has had a drink.
He is the one responsible for his behaviour, you have got to protect them from this if it is endangering their health. It is really hard to be the responsible parent. [tired emotion]