What would you do if ExH was drink-driving with your children in the car?

[pleasereassure]

H had refused to come to mediation to sort out all aspects of our divorce, despite me offering to pay his costs (I work PT and have full care of our two DCs. I am broke and qualify for legal aid). He has not paid us a bean since leaving in April this year and moving in with his current GF two weeks after leaving us.

After telling him a trillion times, over six months, that it will cost him tens of thousands of pounds to divorce through the courts, I finally persuaded him to meet me today.

He changed the location to a local pub. Whilst there, he drank two pints. He went to get a third but I questioned him about the fact he has to drive home to our DCs (who were at his house with his nan whilst we talked). He didn't have another.

I then had to go and do another errand before collecting DCs. (We live an hour away...mum was in hospital so H agreed to have the boys so I can visit her. H only sees the boys once a month - his choice. He does not phone. Ever).

Collected boys. Asked them if they had had a good day. Yes, they did. they went to Wacky Warehouse. Hmm. What did Dad drink at Wacky Warehouse. Beer. How many? Two.

Two pints at Wacky, then two pints when with me. And then he drove them. I telephoned to ask him about it (very, very nicely). He said that he hadn't...then couldn't face making out that the boys were lying and jsut said "so what?". Then hung up.

One step forward, two back. This is the third time I have had this issue with him and previously had to halt contact as H kept turning up stinking of beer to collect them in the car.

So what now? Dcs love their dad. But it's a safety issue. How can I handle this effectively?

Tell him to take them to an ordinary soft play - or even interact with them somewhere they can hear each other speak? Sounds like he just took them somewhere they wouldn't interfere with his drinking...

Maybe you should insist on a CAFCASS centre or similar, and see if that wakes him up?

He certainly wouldn't get my DC again.

In fact, even two beers is borderline.

Don't feel responsible for him, he is an adult, he is in charge of his own life. Sounds like you have done enough for him.

Get legal advice on whether you can stop him having the DC.

Two beers is way too much to drive. I would allow a half or a small glass of wine (not the buckets they serve in pubs) or possibly a pint if a long time before any driving was to take place (like several hours). I don't think you should let him drive them again until you have positive proof that he is not drinking beforehand. It's not safe! How on earth would you feel if something awful happened?

Again, fully agree with PerAdua and Mdmelindt.

BUT I am worried. I am worrying myself sick about when the DC are older and they question my decision-making and any time that there was no / limited contact with Dad. And I want to try my best to maintain a good relationship between DC and their Dad.

I drop them at school. I work school hours and pick them up on my way home. We are out EVERY weekday evening...DS2 does 12 hours gymnastics per week (very gifted), DS1 does drama school two nights, Cubs and swimming lessons. I taxi drive and pay for everything. I am forward thinking and strive to do everything before it needs to be done.

I am being the best mother I can be. But have spent the whole of this evening crying, with an over-whelming feeling that I am letting them down.

I seldom come to this area of MN, pleasereassure you are not letting your children down. Their Dad is being an irresponsible twunt individual. You've had some excellent advice here, base your decision on what people have said.
FWIW, there is no way on earth that I would let DD into a car with someone who had been on the pop. Also, do contact the bus company your ex dH works for. It is an awful idea that he could be drinking and driving members of the public around.

You're not letting them down - he is.

And by promoting a relationship he's not interested in, you're just postponing the moment when they realise their father doesn't care. Sorry - but it happens so often, and almost always ends the same way.

But maybe if you start putting the onus on him to be an involved father - by taking away the easy access - he'll get a fright and man up?

And for the record, it sounds like you're a way better mother than I'll ever be!

their father is letting down, not you

but you have it within your power to prevent him from doing that

you have to take control, anything less is colluding with him

you do see that, don't you ?

letting them down

Why are you taking the blame for this? This man has chosen to act like a victim. Don't be one yourself.

Forget feeling guilty. You are in sole charge of the children and if you allow them to get into a car with that shit of a father, then you will also be responsible for what could happen to them.

People who use the threat of suicide as anegotiating tool don't tend to act on it - don't let his threats cloud your essential judgement.

Anyfucker, Yes. Fully. I would never collude nor condone. I would never let me nor the children be involved in anything that was not right, quite simply.

I am as straight as straight can be.

I am just so sad.

Kreecher and PerAd. Again. Agree. It just makes me sad.

it is a very sad situation

you have a right to be sad, and I sympathise massively

I don't expect you ever thought you would be in this situation x

but you must never knowingly put your children at risk again

Eurostar and Vagabond, again I agree. I have agreed with everyone on this thread as you are all right.

These are his choices. He HAs chosen to be the victim. And his suicidal outburst does mean nothing as there was no logic nor substance behind it. Yes, he's ahd a bad few years but...so have many other people.

Any obv, it's not just today that has made me feel so crap. It's the whole seven months of separation and me feeling that I'm meeting myself coming backwards, no financial help / child care support / general tiredness.

I would have called the police, I wouldn't care about it being confidential. And I would give him a chance to drive them again.

If mediation hasn't worked then go for a contact centre. He may well not bother turning up if he's as bad as he sounds.

'wouldn't give him a chance'

I really would not let him have unsupervised contact again until this is sorted either through the courts or mediation.

Clearly, he is not able to make a good decision so you have to ask yourself what other bad decisions could he make that would put your children in harm's way.

Shop him def to the Police and write to him formally copying in your solicitor and be very firm about this. If you let this slide it will only get worse.

This is really serious - treat it as such please. I let a lot of things go at first, trying to be relaxed and not make issues of things, picking my battles etc and later found out that all sorts of things had gone on including my two young daughters being left on their own in his flat (the oldest of whom is diabetic and was only 6 at the time!!!!) - another poor decision on his part.

Woolymindy, great idea about the letter to him and copying the solicitor. That's what I did on the trillion letters asking him to come to mediation with me. That is a perfect idea.

Right, enough of my whinging. This is me giving myself a virtual kick up the arse and back to normal. School day tomorrow. Bags to pack and lunches to make. Normal service to be resumed. But I am VERY grateful for all of your support whilst I just had a two hour breakdown.

But I might have a glass of red wine and watch I'm a celebrity.

Now, all that "call the police" sounds wonderful, but to be honest if you call the police they won't come running to check on him, they would tell you that they cannot do anything until he is caught driving under the influence (and that in practice can only happen if he caused an accident)

I know this because I know a mum who was driving very drunk to do the school run, she caused an accident, she didn't care and all the times we called to say she had just taken into the road while drunk... well nothing happened. Sorry.

So I would vote for the stop taking responsibility for him and his relationship with his children, he is not interested and your interest in "building" that relationship in his behalf means that your children are being driven around by a drunk.

Remember, put the children first. And it comes first to keep them alive and free from unreasonable risks, than encouraging contact with a parent who is not fit to keep alcohol away even during contact visits.

Biobytes, your last sentance is very wise. I will print this thread out when I'm at work tomorrow.
I have had some fantastic advice. Thank you.

hey, we will watch "celeb" right along with you x

Gah, it's just finished. There goes my crap TV option!

turn over to ITV2 !

If you call the police they will take the details for their records, so they won't go and arrest him but it presumably helps them if he does do something stupid in the future.

(I've called them for something similar myself and that's what they told me anyway)

Blimey. I am so square that I never venture outside Channels 1 - 5!

On that note, orf to bed. Thanks all. Really, really appreciated the chat. It has been very cathartic.