Please help - am I having some sort of breakdown/crisis??

[goingunder]

I am mid thirties with 2 dc 12 and 13. I have a good job which I adore but is long hours and exhausting. I've got potentially some good opportunities coming up in my career. I've been with dh for 14 years, we've had our normal share of ups and downs. Because I'm now where I am emotionally, its difficult to 'judge' our relationship over the years, but essentially, dh is a very good, honest, supportive and loving man.

I know that its normal for people to question their positions within a relationship from time to time. I know we all change and relationships have to adapt. I've had feelings before where I've briefy questioned if 'us' but never anything major and not for any particular reasons.

All I do know is that for the past 18 months I have seriously questioned our relationship to the point where I feel I want to separate. Why? Thats a tricky one and thats the problem, I can't seem to actually make sense of all of my feelings. I THINK it a whole host of things - not fancying him (because we are more like brother/sister some of the time, pressures of careers, bereavement -I suffered 2 major bereavements close together, although this was 4 years ago - which could possibly make me question the point of it all, feeling distant from dh emotionally and intellectually some of the time, and, being quite honest, feeling like 'is this it?' which sounds incredibly shitty because he IS a good husband.

I have had counselling from 2 different counsellors which helped briefly - it gave me some clarity - but I am still feeling shit. DH wonders if I'm depressed - I don't feel that I am, having suffered with my second child I know what it feels like - and I'm still very productive in my job. Its just that emotionally I feel dead but I have nothing to actually complain about.

Counselling did help me to see my relationship in the cold light of day and actually, it wasn't that bad. I have never been hopelessly in love with dh, and it confirmed what I already knew - that I grew to love dh and he is a very supportive man, from which I have hugely benefitted at different times in our relationship. Its not exactly fireworks, but I'm level headed enough to know that life often isn't like that!

So - I guess what I'm asking is that has anybody been through this - I mean, seriously questioning their marriage for no apparent 'problem'. I am very weepy and anxious - BUT - I can't work out whether the situation is making me feel like this, or whether my emotional state is making me view my marriage in an unbalanced state of mind.

Thank you.

Depression can take so many forms, it may well be worth going back to your GP and seeking advice on this. It sounds as though you're tired and stressed from work, even though you may enjoy it, and perhaps need a rest or total change of scenery to shake things up a bit. Feeling weepy and anxious all the time isn't a way to live.

I certainly wouldn't do anything in a hurry re your DH. Do you spend much quality time together? Can you maybe leave the dc's with anyone and have a weekend away to yourselves?

I would also carry on with the counselling, maybe trying someone different. It could be some kind of delayed reaction to the bereavements that's causing all of this, sometimes if traumatic events aren't processed fully at the time, emotional issues can manifest themselves in different ways later on.

Wishing you all the best, I hope you feel a lot better soon.

well yes, it is very hard when there is no exact problem. I am in the process of separating from DH of 13 years. And it's the same...lovely, kind guy, but no connection, no intimacy, just friends.

I felt pretty selfish at the beginning because I felt that I was hankering after some romantic ideal. But having talked to many friends, I realised that being in a dead relationship is actually quite soul-destroying. Am looking forward to just being me again....

Maybe one day I will meet someone, but that is not my mission. Life should not be lived in resentment. Yes, marriage is all about compromise and there are ups and downs...but mine was flatlining...

As Woody Allan said "marriage is like a shark, it has to keep moving to stay alive. What we have here is a dead shark!"

Thanks for your replies

Fizzfiend - did you intially question why you felt like you did? Did you think you could possibly be depressed or did you just KNOW it was your marriage? I met my husband quite young and we settled down quite quickly. I guess what kept us together was having younger dcs and not alot of money! How long did it take you to come to your decision and how is your dh coping with it?

It sounds like you are at a stage where you are asking "Is there anything more? Is this all there is?" We tend to have an ideal that our romantic partner will fulfill us in every way, and we leap to the conclusion that if we are not fulfilled, there must be something wrong with our core relationship. This is not necessarily so.

Perhaps you need to take stock of your life as a whole. You've done very well, to be still young (mid-30s!) with a decent man, kids well on the way to being grown up, and an interesting job. But yet you still feel a lack.

Is it possible to take some time out on your own - a retreat of some kind - to listen to yourself and try and find out what it is you need? Have you had time away on your own in the last few years? You may get some interesting insights into how you tick. Good luck!

It certainly is possible that you're depressed OP. Feeling anxious and weepy is a major warning sign, and usually depression leads you to question the significant relationships in your life. It can be very hard to tell if that questioning is warranted or if it's mainly a symptom of the depression.

Depression isn't a reaction to life circumstances, it's an illness. You do not have to have anything serious or difficult going on in your life in order to be depressed. It's true that stress and bereavement can precipitate depression, but only in the same way that being in a cold, wet environment can precipitate pneumonia. Just because you get out of the bad environment doesn't mean the pneumonia will stop, you need to tackle the illness itself before it'll go away.

I became seriously depressed last year (almost back to my old self now thank god) and it was actually when all the stress in my life stopped that I really became ill. At the time I really questioned my relationship with DH, to the point where I told him I might want a divorce. Thankfully, due to his professional background, he understood depression and could see these threats for what they were - empty and meaningless. I was feeling so bad I was looking for any way to make myself feel better (this is what drives many to suicide) and I thought leaving my marriage would be that magic bullet. Unfortunately there was no quick fix and time, talking and anti-depressants got me through.

I can't say for sure that you're depressed, of course, but if you're concerned that this might be what's causing these feelings then I would urge you to try to sort it out before making any major decisions. Even mild depression can seriously skew your thinking and it would be awful if you turned around in a years' time to find that rather than solving a problem you've made things worse. Try to get to a point where you aren't feeling weepy and anxious before you do anything major. The first step would be to talk to your GP or to a counsellor to see what you need to do to get yourself feeling right again.

thank you almostgrownup and writerofdreams.

In an ideal world I would love to get away from it all for a while - but practically and because of the children I don't think this is workable. I do however, obviously need to take some time to work out exactly what I think I am lacking.

My other major concern (and I didn't mention it before because it has now passed), but about 6 months after having these doubting feelings I did have quite intense feelings for somebody else who I met through work (not now in contact due to me changing place of work). It was a shock to admit to myeslf I was having such strong feelings for another person and I have talked over this in counselling. On a positive note, these feelings have passed, which has made feel better, BUT, my wavering feelings for dh have continued. This obviously confuses the matter so much more.

In terms of depression, having suffered postnatal depression after the birth of my second child, I know the symptoms etc and can remember feeling like I was dying. Although I'm feeling pretty shit now (!) I don't feel like I did then which is why I'm so confused about the cause of my emotional state.

In what way are you feeling shit OP? Is it mainly to do with DH or is there other stuff involved? Are you lacking energy, finding it hard to enjoy things? How's your sleep?

fizzfiend I love the dead shark analogy!! That has made me laugh a lot.

OP you are being very brave trying to take action over this rather than falling into an affair "by mistake". I wish I had been able to do that. Instead I ended my 24 year marriage rather bitterly after falling for someone who paid me attention and found me sexy at a time when I was lonely and miserable.

My DH has tried to persuade me that I am suffering from depression and it is all an illness I need help with. But I am healthy, happy away from him and full of life and energy. So I have to admit I was just bloody miserable in my marriage and leaving it has been a really hard thing to do but necessary for my long term happiness.

Sometimes although it is unpalatable to others it just has to be done. It isnt a crime to end a marriage that isn't making you feel good.

emotionally I feel dead

I did that, for years I said I had no feelings, no fear no love no excitement no passion. I had suppressed them all to make it easier to stay in the marriage. The only emotion I could access was anger and it made me a horrible person to live with. I was sarcastic and resentful and treated DH meanly.

Now I am out and going to a good counsellor and I feel joy hope pain and misery and lots more. I have come alive again. Is that a bit overdramatic?

Maybe OP you can address all this without leaving your DH, but those feelings are still there somewhere buried because they are inconvenient to you at the moment.

feeling weepy and anxious is not normal - please see your GP

just because you dont feel like dying doesnt mean you are not depressed

you said you work long hours, have two kids and presumably a house to run. i suspect your marriage is dying of neglect as you are both too busy to spend time and energy on it.

do you think its worth trying to solve these two problems first before ending your marriage?

Thank you to all who have posted.

I feel generally a bit shit, but wonder if its coming from the last few months of dh and I not getting on/me questioning everything. I think generally, I am very run down at the moment.

whenallelsefailsmaketeas - you have hit a bit of a nerve. Thats part of what happens with me - in other situations, when dh isn't there, I don't feel particuarly depressed. Don't get me wrong - dh absolutely hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't expect me to act in a particular way. However, for whatever reason, maybe for months or years, and maybe as a result of personal change, I feel that I am very different and possibly suppress certain things when I'm with him, a realisation that I find upsetting.

whenallelsefails- why did you have to suppress all those feelings to stay in your marriage?

OP, it sounds like your marriage to a good man is really worth saving, from what you have said.

You say you have had personal changes though - what are these?

My bereavements a few years back has made me (I think) emotionally stronger in some ways, but I do find it very hard to 'lean' on dh as I used to. I lost my mum to cancer prematurely and a very good friend to a terminal illness. I feel at the time I coped well in terms of getting on with things, and I think I am the sort of person to try and deal with things on my own, and this situation brought that out.

I have also made great leaps in my career which I throughly enjoy. I've taken on more responsiblity and learning about areas (such as finance and staffing) that I hadn't encountered so far in my position.

Possibly as well, I wonder if we change as parents when our children become teenagers?? Obviously we're still mums but its very different from having young babies. I have regained some independence to an extent and wonder whether this has also had an effect on me?

All of these things combined, have made me question my marriage in terms of whether I actually feel its 'right'. Its so hard to explain but sometimes, its like I just don't 'fit' in it, like it doesn't come 'naturally' ifyswim?

so you feel you have changed a lot

you have been promoted in your job, you are learning new skills, taking on more responsibilty, you enjoy it

your role as a mum has changed, you are adapting to being a mum to teenagers

and I'm assuming that your Dh has also changed over 15 or 20 years?

but you didnt expect things to change in your partner relationship, you thought it would just happen naturally? that the "fit" you felt when you first met would still be the same?

Thats a tricky one Kristina. Dh's possibly hasn't changed quite so much - his job position is the same as when I met him, and his aspirations/ideas for the future are also the same. He has always been very content/stable etc and I would say that he has only changed in terms of wanting this stability even more.

I'm not saying that I didn't think our relationship would always be the same and that I couldn't expect things to change. I'm just finding it tricky to be able to be 'me' within our relationship as it is.

Can you pinpoint what it is about you that doesn't quite "fit" with the relationship at the moment?

Over the years people build up expectations of who we are and what we want and it can be really hard to challenge those expectations. You might be feeling that if you reveal this new you to your husband you might lose his love, or he might be upset or angry. But it is worth giving it a try. In some ways I think over the course of relationship you need to meet up and get to know each other afresh a few different times. If the change in each other is quite radical it could seriously affect the relationship and in that case it might not survive. But give your DH a chance to accept the new you before you do anything major. Talk to him, spend some time with him, see what he thinks. Think of it as allowing him to meet you all over again.

I know it's not quite the same thing but I went through something similar with my parents and sisters. They all have very fixed expectations of me which don't really fit with who I really am now. It was very hard to make them see me for how I really am but now that I have I think I have a better relationship with them. It's very different to what it was, but I certainly feel more free and happy.

thats very interesting writerofdreams.

Ok - why do I feel I don't 'fit'? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not sure if its to do with the fact that I'm married to someone who is so bloody sure of who he is and what he wants in life. To someone who is SO appreciative of everything and feels he really knows himself and who feels he is really very secure in himself.
When we've talked (and there has been lots of conversations), its interesting because he says that he finds me quite complicated and deep thinking and he finds this a big attraction. As he says, he feels theres so much more to me that he wants to find out about (is that bizarre after all these years?!). I actually feel a bit like that about myself, that I don't entirely know myself/what I want/who I can become. However, with dh, everything he is, is there, I kind of know all his opinions on stuff/what he'll say/how he'll act. Now, I'm not saying that this is bad or boring, in fact, in many ways I envy the fact that he is so transparent (is that the right word?).

But, when we talk, we are so different and I know its such a crappy old cliche, but its just like he doesn't 'get' me. Its interesting what you say about your family. I have a close family and am particulary close to a brother and sister - BUT - I think they are also finding it hard to understand me, they don't know everything but I do confide in them a bit, and I think they find it worrying or it makes them feel nervous that I am questioning stuff. I am normally seen as the strong, reliable one on the outside to people around me and I was brought up very traditionally. Actually, during a counselling session, my counsellor said I was finding things difficult because I am worried about going against convention, despite knowing in my heart that its ok to be 'me'.

It sounds like you are going through some profound changes at the moment OP and that's very tough to manage. Actually I think people believing that they know their partners completely and that there should be nothing new to learn is a huge mistake people make in marriage. How can a person possibly not change in 60 or so years? I've been with my DH for nearly 9 years and in that time I feel we have both changed hugely. I am constantly keen to find out new things about him and to see how his opinions have changed - it keeps the relationship interesting and it makes the other person feel like they can change without resistance from their partner. Usually, in a supportive relationship, these changes are positive.

It's ok not to know what you want, and it's good that your DH doesn't seem to want to keep you in a particular box. It seems to me (but I could be wrong) that your insecurity is coming from yourself not from him. At the moment he seems perfectly secure and happy but that might change too. Perhaps now would be a good time to lean on the security he has in order to find a bit of it yourself? You can't really know how you feel about someone else until you know how you feel about yourself and you seem all at sea at the moment.

In terms of my own family, I changed from quite a driven, focused academic person to someone who wanted to be a SAHM. I got a lot of "but surely you don't want that?" from them, which stemmed from them thinking they knew me completely and an unwillingness to actually listen to who I am now, which is someone very different to who I was when I live at home nearly 10 years ago. People want their world to be stable and predictable and when people change it can scare them and cause them to try to put them back in their box. Don't let other people do that to you.

My guess is that now your kids are getting older and more independant, you've let go of that breath you've been holding in for the past few years, and all your emotions are now tumbling out.
Marriage is not for many people, but we are told it's the route to happiness, and we should all aim for it. In reality, it's not only unrealistic, but undesirable.
I would say: take stock of the pros and cons of your marriage. You don't want to throw away a good man if this is just a phase you're going through. OTOH, to me, one of the saddest things is the thought of a woman stuck in a marriage because she believes that's as good as life gets.

I tend to agree this is more about what's going on in you than in your marriage. That doesn't mean you're ill, though! As you say, you've met several real life challenges recently: bereavements, promotion, the kids growing up, a crush on somebody else. These are all things which cast life in high relief, making us realise it's not all about the humdrum. It's perfectly normal to question the meaning of our lives - and our role in it - after such big changes.

One point you seem to be avoiding is that it's normal to change as life progresses. It's quite okay, healthy even, to change and grow at any age. Much of your posts convey a feeling of "is this as good as it gets?" The answer is No. It's never "all there is", at least until your final day. Instead of looking to your relationship for added meaning, try looking to yourself. Trust DH to go along with you. The chips will fall where they may i that respect anyway, and he sounds like the kind of chap who can handle a bit of growth & development.

To me, it looks as though it's time for you to put yourself at the centre of your universe - not ignoring DCs and DH, of course, but taking a lively interest in yourself and (hopefully) becoming fascinated by your self and your life. You could start with a fresh course of counselling, maybe a new sport and a different look. Thinking back to when you were at school, are there any hobbies & activities you really loved, but have fallenn by the wayside? Pick some of them up again; see if you still get the same enjoyment. If your new activities bring fresh people into your life; different perspectives, so much the better. Start reading a different newspaper! Challenge that mind of yours, as well as your body.

In a philosophical sense, it's almost as though you're both seeking change and fearing it. Again, this is perfectly normal. When you think about what's been going on in your life over the past few years, though, you can see that you've been embracing change and I think this is the clue to your listlessness. It's always a mistake to look to another person for our purpose. I think you know this really.

Writerof dreams ? I know what you mean about people thinking what is best for you. I actually did it the other way around ? had a few years at home with the dc (which I loved and am glad I did it), but, I knew this wasn?t really ?me?, that there was other stuff out there for me. And, when I eventually found it, in terms of a job that I love and enjoy, I remember feeling like I?d come home ifyswim. Yet, I remember getting well meaning relatives, commenting on how I was stretching myself between home life and work life failing to understand that I simply didn?t want to stay at home and have more children. In some ways, that kind of highlighted the problems with dh. Because until I had a fulfilling job, I didn?t realise just how much of a difference it made to who I was and who I was able to be. I know a specific job isn?t everything, but in terms of the skills I use/people I?ve met/opportunities I?m coming across, it just feels right. I certainly won?t be put back in the box, but its just working out whether my marriage is part of this?

Sakura ? I agree with the marriage thing ? I did meet dh quite young and settle down, and this is something we?ve talked about. He understands that I perhaps didn?t experience some of the things I would have liked to experience before the children.

Graceawayinmanager ? I understand about doing different things. I am currently doing a course, and take part in sports as I love to keep fit. My life is actually extremely full. I?ve got a good set of friends and enjoy socialising and am also very happy in my own company, reading, studying, watching movies etc. I do find this really thoughtprovoking:
?In a philosophical sense, it's almost as though you're both seeking change and fearing it. When you think about what's been going on in your life over the past few years, though, you can see that you've been embracing change and I think this is the clue to your listlessness. It's always a mistake to look to another person for our purpose. ?

I have thought about this as a close friend did mention it. My life, although structured in many ways (which simply comes from working full time, having children and running a home!) I have had many changes, going from mum to career person and also the bereavements that I?ve been through. A good friend of mine who has had a fantastic career and in her mid thirties is now taking time out to have her kids. She often used to ask how I managed it all, but I see now that to her, she needed to concentrate on the career and now having children, whereas mine came all at once. I wouldn?t change this for the world ? I know I was very lucky to have the opportunities to get back on the career ladder in terms of childcare etc (although a lot was down to bloody hard work!) but I guess its no wonder I?ve been so busy these last few years. So yes, although you?re not that I am fearing big changes, this has actually been happening for a long time anyway.

I just feel like I?m going round in circles in my mind. I don?t think I?ve ever felt so confused. And, in the middle of it, is my poor dh, who I know is desperately worried about me

Then perhaps I was wrong about change - perhaps the thing you seek is drama? After four years of massive emotional experiences, does life now feel a little flat?

I have to say that the one thing coming through all your posts is your love of a big challenege. You life may be full & busy, but is all this busyness challenging you enough? The only thing you've expressed a true enthusiasm for is your work. Of course, that may just be how your posts turned out - I'm trying to offer directional lines of thinking, that's all.

I'm not sure grace. It was just something my friend said about all my changes and is life now a bit dull? I don't think it is drama though. I remember feeling a massive sense of relief after my mother, because she had been ill for so long and it was awful. I wanted 'normality' day to day (although obviously life is never the same again). So, actually, I'd say no, not the drama, although it is something I've thought about.

You are right though, in that some change, such as envisaging myself as a single person, IS scary, obviously. I do love a big challenge however, its like a need something to work to. My counsellor said I'm searching for something. But what? You are right about the enthusiasm for my work. But why the hell haven't I got this for my marriage?

Well, you said something earlier that suggested you might not find your DH much of an intellectual challenge. Question is (if true): can you inject enough intellectual excitement into your personal life to balance that off? What qualities do you love in your DH?

Thats sounds so awful - its not that dh isn't intelligent, he just has very different interests and is less of a 'thinker' than me (thats his take on it as well, not just mine!). Strangely, when I was going through my little 'crush', the main thing that attracted me was this intellectual connection. I know I shouldn't compare it to my relationship with dh, because there are so many qualities in dh that I imagine the crush wouldn't have (although didn't get 'involved' enough to find out!). Physically the crush wasn't particularly good looking I wouldn't imagine to other women, but my god, it was just his brain and the way he thought about things.

Dh does have so many qualities - good dad, supportive, has absolute belief in me, reliable, generous, stable and honest.