Please help - am I having some sort of breakdown/crisis??

[goingunder]

I am mid thirties with 2 dc 12 and 13. I have a good job which I adore but is long hours and exhausting. I've got potentially some good opportunities coming up in my career. I've been with dh for 14 years, we've had our normal share of ups and downs. Because I'm now where I am emotionally, its difficult to 'judge' our relationship over the years, but essentially, dh is a very good, honest, supportive and loving man.

I know that its normal for people to question their positions within a relationship from time to time. I know we all change and relationships have to adapt. I've had feelings before where I've briefy questioned if 'us' but never anything major and not for any particular reasons.

All I do know is that for the past 18 months I have seriously questioned our relationship to the point where I feel I want to separate. Why? Thats a tricky one and thats the problem, I can't seem to actually make sense of all of my feelings. I THINK it a whole host of things - not fancying him (because we are more like brother/sister some of the time, pressures of careers, bereavement -I suffered 2 major bereavements close together, although this was 4 years ago - which could possibly make me question the point of it all, feeling distant from dh emotionally and intellectually some of the time, and, being quite honest, feeling like 'is this it?' which sounds incredibly shitty because he IS a good husband.

I have had counselling from 2 different counsellors which helped briefly - it gave me some clarity - but I am still feeling shit. DH wonders if I'm depressed - I don't feel that I am, having suffered with my second child I know what it feels like - and I'm still very productive in my job. Its just that emotionally I feel dead but I have nothing to actually complain about.

Counselling did help me to see my relationship in the cold light of day and actually, it wasn't that bad. I have never been hopelessly in love with dh, and it confirmed what I already knew - that I grew to love dh and he is a very supportive man, from which I have hugely benefitted at different times in our relationship. Its not exactly fireworks, but I'm level headed enough to know that life often isn't like that!

So - I guess what I'm asking is that has anybody been through this - I mean, seriously questioning their marriage for no apparent 'problem'. I am very weepy and anxious - BUT - I can't work out whether the situation is making me feel like this, or whether my emotional state is making me view my marriage in an unbalanced state of mind.

Thank you.

I empathise :) I'll take brains over DIY skills any day! (Both would be nice, heh.)
I'm wondering whether you're still underestimating your own intellect - if I were to suggest swapping some of your sporting pursuits for a philosophy class (or astrophysics, or whatever floats your particular boat), how would you react?

How much shared stuff do you & DH do, that you find truly engaging? Going to see weird foreign films, frexample, beating the winner on Mastermind, visiting exhibitions?

Sorry for the piecemeal posts ...

I would love to do something like philosophy. I got a very good degree years back and my tutors did suggest I go onto something like that, but, due to needing to work to pay the mortgage (ho-hum!) I went straight into work. In some ways I don't regret this, as I love my job, but, further study is something I would absolutely love to do. I am doing a work related course at the mo, but philsophy/history and english literature really float my boat. The thing is, even if I did manage to do something like this now, I feel there would be even less of me to go round? Actually, if I do ever envisage life without dh, I do think I'd feel less guilty dedicating myself to my own pursuits (god, I sound so bloody selfish!).

In terms of stuff we do together - dh tries, he really does. But he simply doesn't have the interest in musuems etc. He has been trying to read a bigger variey of books (bless him!) although admits he is struggling with a few. This makes him sound so dense - he absolutely is NOT, he is intelligent in a logical, practical way (and I am not!) Won't pursuing my interests either alone, or say, with a friend, make us grow even further apart?

goingunder, I did not want to do anything formal for various reasons and wanted some mental challenges, I started by watching natgeo etc channels 559 and downwards and found some of the subjects on science and history very interesting, and did my own research from there in my spare time! I also got really into psychology and have been reading various things about that, none of it has been in a structured way, or lead to a qualification, it has enriched my life and knowledge!

Does that sound like a way of enriching your life in the subjects you want to explore further?

Have you ever though of joining a book group?

Won't pursuing my interests either alone, or say, with a friend, make us grow even further apart?

The way I see it: yes, it might do. On the other hand, stifling your own interests & personality definitely will! They will seek expression regaardless - perhaps leading you into inappropriate relationships with people you perceive as cleverer, perhaps causing you to treat DH with undeserved contempt, and certainly making you feel underwhelmed & dissatisfied with your own life.

You and DH seem to have sufficient respect & affection for each other's differences. It's probable he doesn't need to broaden his education as such; he knows you well and you love who he is - wouldn't he happily support you in taking up a course of study that really stretches your mind? At present, it seems you're becoming resentful that he doesn't challenge you intellectually and he's trying to alter himself as a result. Is that necessary? Do you need DH to provide this challenge? Or, perhaps, do you need DH to be who he is, and some professor to be your intellectual mentor?

I know that last bit is tough.

It is a tough one grace, and unfortunately, I think I do feel that I need this intellectual stimulation from dh. We do talk about things on the news and he does listen if I do want to talk (and I listen to him!) but he doesn?t challenge me. Is that expecting too much? I know its crazy, because I might not ever meet anybody else who I intellectually click with who could be a partner or, I might meet somewhere who I do click with, but, for whatever reason, it doesn?t work out. I?d be throwing away so much.

It does also worry me that by pursuing my own interests, we would move further apart, but I know that it?s a catch 22 situation. There must be so many women out there, married to ratbags who would give their right arm to be in my situation.

I guess in the short term, I could find what I?m looking for in a mentor/professor, or, maybe I just have to find it in myself (but can I do that when I?m married to dh?)

Oh heck goingunder :( You're talking about fundamental compatibility, aren't you? No wonder it's bothering you so much.

As you weren't aware of this issue as a dealbreaker whilst you were building your family, I feel you'd best be cautious about deciding on it now. It might turn out to be an irreconcilable difference indeed but, then again, you may find that this present time is more about your self-development than your marriage. You asked whether you could find "it" in yourself while married to DH ... of course you can! I really feel this is what you need to aim for, looking outside your marriage and job for the right avenues to pursue.

If, after creating a more fulfilling life pattern for yourself, you and DH find you have grown apart, then it will be due to genuine 'growing' on both sides - not the hothouse frustrations than can develop out of personal dissatisfaction. Sometimes, restlessness indicates a really unhealthy relationship - but that doesn't seem to be so in your case?

It would be a shame to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater! If you give yourself a real chance to find out what fulfils you - and do it - then your marriage will alter as a consequence. How it alters remains to be seen; perhaps you should give DH the benefit of the doubt without making him responsible for what goes on inside your head, iyswim.

I really do sympathise. I think you deserve good credit for being aware of your frustrations - and for not having the affair! The closer you get to finding your 'metier', the clearer everything else should become.

This has been a bit of a two-woman thread so far Hopefully, the new week will bring more perspectives - I'll be reading them with interest! Good luck :)

excellent posts grace

hope you are feeling a bit better goingunder. have you made an appointment with your go

i agree with everything grace has said, but being constantly weepy and anxious is not normal, really its not. please get help

thank you so much grace,

You have made lots of sense and clarified alot of what has been lurking at the back of my mind.

I am going to speak to dh about this. We already talked alot, and he knows things are a bit dire. Its concerning when you feel that you are out of what used to be your comfort zone, when your marriage actually feels unstable, or, I feel unstable within it.

Kristina - I am going to make an appointment with the doctor, although am very reluctant to go down the antidepressant route due to having a really bad reaction when I suffered PND.

i understand, no one wants to take drugs if they can avoid it. there are loads of anti Ds through and there might be something that would agree with you better, if it turns out that you ARE suffering from depression

its worth a chat anyway, especially if you have a good relationship with your GP and they are sympathetic. all sorts of other health issues problems can make you feel weepy / anxious , like thyroid problems, so its always best to get it checked out

Do you think you were often boxed in by other people in your life OP? The reason I ask is that you seem very very afraid to change, and it appears to me that your fear is largely unfounded. It is perfectly acceptable to pursue your own interests and still stay married to your DH - whether that leads to more difficulties in the long term remains to be seen. My guess is that actually it won't because I think that once you feel a bit more settled and happy in yourself you might start to feel better about your relationship.

Don't take this as criticism but it sounds almost like you're having a sort of mid-life crisis, where you're questioning everything and wondering how it all measures up to your expectations. There's nothing at all wrong with this, but as others have advised, don't be hasty and don't make any huge decisions until you're pretty sure of what you want. You definitely seem to need some time to yourself so that you can get your head straight, is there any way you can get that? Even a weekend on your own might help in clarifying your thoughts a little.

Possibly writerofdreams. I don't think I was purposely boxed in, but was brought up with particular expectations (although I think, as I've got older, I've continued to push these expectations on myself for whatever reason).

I know what you mean about the midlife crisis. I'm not one for cliches, but do definitely feel that all is not well around me and within me for whatever reason - although on the surface I am extremely fortunate.

I am seriously considering a way of getting some time on my own. If we didn't have children, I would absolutely have spent some time on my own, even over a period of weeks or months, as I have to say, when these feelings first started several months ago, my gut feeling was to get away. I just couldn't do that to my children as I feel its so unfair to them.

Goingunder, one of my neighbours felt like you do, she was also someone with a very busy life. I always thought she had a bit of a drink problem and actually wondered if she and my ex had it away before he left, that is a whole other story! She told me that the w/end ex left that she walked out on her family and walked the streets all night long, her dh was out looking for her, she refused to answer the phone. She told me she was put on prozac. She then went to see a pyschologist. This was during her mothers battle with cancer, she later lost. The father had an affair with ow and left the mother and the father was not that interested in neighbour after leaving it was all about him. My observations were this neighbour allowed people to use her somewhat, and only saught out people who were high drama and users in a low grade way! She kept the same close knit circle! When her mother died, I was shocked as was someone else I knew who went to the funeral how it was just us and two others that turned up (I knew her mother) that neighbour knew! Once the mother died, the neighbour started wanting to be caught out she was obviously cheating on her dh, I kept out of it, felt guilty each time I saw him, did not want to hurt the children! She then eventually told dh she wanted him to leave, he refused, a nasty divorce started, she openly then admitted to dating the guy who it has been obvious from fb she had been seeing for a LONG time... the whole thing made me feel quite sick and I could and so see her looking quite sick to be plan, she is carrying on with life, she has lost her spark, aged ten years and looks crap and it is all of her own making really, trying to punish her dh... i got the feeling though never pushed that she got with him when he was married to his first wife... She was a good deal younger than he was and would go on about this a great deal! I don't have any bad feeling for her, all I feel is sad for her that she did not sort herself out, and sad for the children, obviously I have no idea what the husband is like behind closed doors!

I told you that story as I would hate to see someone else bring their family down that route...