common sense needed here, can you help?

[karen1961]

Anyone up for drilling some sense into a desperate woman? Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin.

Married woman, old enough to know better, in unhappy marriage. Starts work a year ago, in a bad place emotionally at home meets dashing work colleague who sweeps her off her feet, passionate affair begins. Get the picture?

A year later on after falling heavily for this man, helping him through the death of his remaining parent, supporting him as I would a husband, sticking with him through loads of other women, he finally decides two weeks ago that a woman he met just previous to myself is one he would like to start a relationship with, even though she will be long distance. He has told me now that our affair and friendship has ended, leaving me absolutely desolate , devasted, heartbroken, rejected and no self esteem. I have sent him a couple of texts giving him a few home truths unfortunately and now he wants nothing to do with me, telling me to stop before the good memories are spoiled. I love this man desperately and his daughter I treated as my own. Where on earth do I go from here? How do I get over this man? he was my best (and only) friend and my world has imploded. Your comments and tellings off would be appreciated

Are you still with your husband?

Yes, he is disabled and I have a son on the autistic spectrum, although the OM knew how I felt about him and I would have left husband and gone

It does sound as though this man is a serial schmoozer tbh, he doesn't sound like a best friend, he sounds like he took advantage of you emotionally and sexually and then moved on when he got bored. You are definitely better off without him.

You've done a stupid and selfish thing. Are you still with your h?

Xpost. So you have a lot on in your life, and om was a nice distraction for a while.

Do you still love your h?

There's nothing to tell you off about, karen1961.

What I would suggest is therapy. There is probably a good reason why you choose men who are no good for you, and why you fall in love with them to boot. Take this from a woman who has done the same.

All the best!

It was to be expected, that you couldn't see that is I guess to do with your unhappiness.

I suggest you sort out what's going on with your husband, either improve or leave.

The fact that you 'stuck with the (affair) man through loads of women" shows you have rock-bottom self-esteem.

You deserve better, as does your husband.

Obviously, you're also an idiot

What stuffing has said about the OM.

You have alot to contend with at home, it must be VERY difficult for you

Thank you YKSIFL,

I know what Ive done was selfish and very stupid, it doesnt make me feel any good about myself for what I did. My husband and I havent got on for years but stayed together for the kids sake, I was at a low then but in the pits now.

What a state to get myself into, its tougher dealing with this than dealing with what was going on at home previously, now I have two things to deal with

karen1961 - you've been a good friend to this man. Your comment 'sticking with him through loads of other women' says it all for me... he told you??? He has an ego the size of a house and is a user. He seemed like Prince Charming at a time when you were weak and vulnerable emotionally but also starting work and therefore loosening ties with your home environment.

Of course the rejection is devastating, but you'll get over it. You need to find some social activities that involve meeting with other people. At times like this it's good to have a girlfriend to talk to.

I won't blame you for falling for it, many do and if your marriage is bad, its all too easy. But you stuck with this man through loads of other women ! That speaks volumes.

He is not, and never was, your best friend. He is a user, a cad, a cheat. You found out the hard way. I think your broken heart will heal very quickly when you let it sink in just how low he behaved.

More important is to get to the bottom of your marriage. Are you able to leave if you are so unhappy? Was it always bad?

Life is short, don't stay unhappy any longer than you must.

The only thing to tell you off about is the nasty texts. However, I think you may forgive yourself for that - there must be a bit of you that still has some pride, and had the sense to be angry at him for the ways he has used you.

Even if you have to give something up to aford it, I think you could do with a good long course of proper psychotherapy. You put yourself right at the bottom of your own list of priorities, don't you? Learn to love and value yourself; the rest will follow.

Good luck.

He sounds like a right bastard took advantage of you and your situation sounds so sad...I know it will be hard ..but breathe amd try to move on, soon you will see him for who/what he really is..

Karen, do you think staying together for the kids is working? Really ?

You just sound so sad.

It seems like you're actually looking for an exit affair, rather than a bit of fun. Perhaps it is time for you and your h to sit down and discuss this. You clearly don't want to be with him, and you don't have to be.

There are lots of options available. If you still get on ok but aren't interested in being a couple, but at the same time want a relationship with someone else could you live together as house mates?

Whatever you have now is not working for you, and it makes you vulnerable to manipulators like om.

So you say he's going to start a relationship with someone else. What the hell was going on between you and him for a year then.

You are well rid of him and it's only just a year, he won't steal any more years of your life. Pop open the champagne!

Thank you for all your posts, Im really grateful for the support actually. You have all stated the same thing one way or another and you are all right, the upshot of this is that yes I am extremely sad, completely shattered in fact. Time as you say will get me through this,

Thank you

Hi, you could be me two years ago. The comment about the other women struck home. I've been there too. Did he say he's not ready for a relationship yet? What that actually means is that he wants to keep his options open. My self-esteem was so low I could actually understand why I wasn't 'enough' for him !!
I've gradually been falling out of love, bit by bit and am finally getting there. I really deserve better and so do you. Pm me if you want to talk

Berries, you hit a nail on the head there when you said you could understand why you werent enough for him. Thats exactly how I feel, Im 50 in January, all the other women made me feel so unattractive (as was my husband too)and old, I feel like Im just no good to anyone anymore although I realise now thanks to this site that Im not the only one this has happened to and there is life once I can put this behind me. I keep telling myself that he was no good, he didnt see me as anything other than another woman he could hurt and take pride in doing it. I cant wait till I can get over him and not think about wanting him, missing him, wanting to hear his voice and texting him. I want to be me again, desperately

Oh Karen1961, I really do feel for you. You sound cut up.

I have similar thoughts and feelings going on and i didn't even get into a physical relationship with man - was emotional though.

You are right to keep telling yourself that he was no good for you - that is evident. It will be helpful to tell yourself that when you are missing him, wanting to hear his voice etc (must take my own advice...)

You will get over him that is for certain. Please be kind to yourself, am trying to be kind to myself...

oh god you have been utterly taken in by a romance conman. no wonder you feel utterly distraught, this is the type of guy who zeroes in on women who already have very little they feel positive about themselves, so he can make them feel grateful for him. you focus all your energy and hope on them, they become the centre of your world and when they go you are left with absolutely nothing.

you poor thing. you need to try and frame your memories of him from a realistic point of view - seeing the manipulation and undermining in real clarity - so you can stop hoping he will come back. counselling will probably help, you need to find a way to value yourself and from there you can start rebuilding other areas of your life.

it is going to be time i'm afraid. and lots of talking with people to get yourself back to reality where you a real and valuable human being with your own valid needs and power, and out of the hideous dystopian fantasy he has made you live in.

NI is right - do try and be kind to yourself. Your post, while I'm sure lot of us empathise with the emotion in it, which is easy to do from the outside of your situation, doesn't address the fact that you must have been very low and without support/affection to fall for this guy. it's good to be honest that he was a wrong 'un but don't invalidate the need that was and is clearly in you. You deserve affection and love as much as anyone. It's not just about 'drilling common sense' into you.

Goodness me! That paints a sorry picture... Karen you're the same age as me - I'll be 50 in March. My son and I joined a beginners' canoe & hayak course a couple of years ago and I haven't looked back. I've lost weight, I'm loads fitter and I'm meeting lots of lovely people. I qualified as a coach in the summer so I've been taking friends and colleagues out in boats - some of them have joined the club and have been coming on trips and so on.

I feel so much better about myself. You just need to kick start the process. A few years ago I was feeling fat, frumpy, old and boring. I'm not now! I even have lots of young men telling me how cool I am - when I'm older than their mums in some cases!

Last month we went on a trip and I ran Henllan Falls - this isn't me but you can imagine I felt really pleased with myself that I did it:

Believe in yourself!

Agree with omaoma too!

Well girls, her's an update to the situation. Had a couple of text conversations with him whereby I did say I had let myself down by the comments I had made and regretted them. The squid said if I needed to text him that was ok but only 5 times a day max!!! What was that about? Here was my reply.

"mmm, if I was going to text you it wouldnt even be 5 times a week, more on the lines of hello how have you been? what you been up to? with perhaps an invitation to meet for coffee occasionally. You made your decision which is understood and inwardly digested, you are not so important and for the comfort of all parties concerned may I respectfully ask that you get over yourself".

Too much?

Well, I've put this in my personal bank of useful phrases: may I respectfully ask that you get over yourself!

Thank you,

Was it too much? I do have a sharp tongue to put it mildly and do tend to speak out of anger and say too much