Unsavoury Relatives

[vicdim14]

I am in a bit of a moral dilemma. I have a son who is six months old. My husband's family live over four hundred miles away and because of their profession/income do not come and visit. We try to visit them as often as we can but this can often be a hassle with a baby. His sister (who is eighteen months younger than us) lives with his Mum and Dad. She has had problems with drugs and been to prison more than once but we believed she was clean. We have now found out that she has been back on drugs (heroin) for at least the last year and in the past couple of weeks has been arrested for selling drugs. So that she wouldn't go back to prison whilst she awaits trial, her parents have allowed her to return to live at their house. She is also now on a methadone program to withdraw. Since I found out I was pregnant my husband has wanted to spend his son's first Christmas with his family. He had spent a year and a half planning it. After discovering what his sister has been up to, we have agreed not to go down there until she has her hearing. I am disgusted with her and it makes me sick to my stomach that she has held and kissed my son whilst taking this filthy substance. I don't want her anywhere near my son, not now or the near future. As you can imagine my husband is bitterly disappointed this and this has lead to some arguments. He feels that his parents are being punished for something his sister has done and keeps asking "when ever will we visit then?". I don't think there is any way to rationalise this and feel that his parents have to understand how serious this is. When she was in prison before her mother would show me her letters as if she was in summer camp. They keep ringing and asking us to come down but I am particularly not happy with her in the house. We usually stay in her room and I have in the past found drug items in there which she had hid and forgotten about. My son is now at the crawling stage. Am I doing the right thing sticking to my guns or will my husband resent me?

I think you are right to stick to your guns, your own child MUST come first, you would never ever forgive yourself if something happened to your DS - what if he pricked himself on a needle or something (I know it's not likely but just doesn't bear thinking about).

I guess what you also need to do is understand your DHs point of view, they are his flesh and blood so he's bound to feel protective about his parents and sisters feelings. Could this parents really not come and see you in your home or could you each drive halfway and have a night in a B&B or just a pub lunch or something, so that the message is clear that they are still welcome but until the situation with your SIL changes, she is not?

You need to work it out with your DH would be so sad for your SILs issues to cause a rift between you and DH.

On the positive side it's great that your SIL is on a methadone programme and I really hope it works out for her.

Good luck x

Your SiL is ill. Think about it that way and you might stop being "disgusted" at her. She is an addict and needs help. I understand why you would like to keep a baby out of the environment of a crack den for example but if she is trying to recover in her parents house I think YABU to refuse to go there at all.

I wouldn't want to stay in the same house with a drug addict either. Could you go to visit but stay in a hotel?

But I think your reaction of disgust is slightly over the top. Remember that your in-laws and your dh love her. I expect your dh wanted to see her letters and hear how she was getting on in prison, just as much as if she was on holiday.

Some of the PremierInn / Travelodge hotels do rooms for 9 pounds a night if you book far enough in advance.
Meeting halfway sounds like a great way to meet up with the in-laws without the sister.
You're right to put your DC's safety first.

why can't his parents visit you? surely they can afford to get the train and stay with you for xmas?

It is a tricky situation.
Imho,
On one hand keeping the baby away from the drugs/smoke/paraphenalia/intoxicated person is a black and white decision/policy...

But on the other hand, people are involved and I just personally feel that people deserve to be respected, (exceptions, true: those that have used up the respect like abusers).

Clemetteattlee makes an essential point, in that sil is ill. And prison, yikes. The girl has some serious issues, but is in treatment, serving/served her time: trying to sever the grips of the devestatingly impossible drugs. She should have some compassion from family-it is the only compassion she is ever likely to get.

I would hope that you could let your dh lead the way in how he wants to deal with his family (of origin). It is not like he is expecting you to be her bff, after all.

All you need to do, again imho, is to never leave your baby unattended-rather what you'd do normally anyway, right? You and your dh (and his folks too) will be on guard against all the negative 'what ifs' that could possibly happen. Have dh insist his parents search the home, to 'baby proof' it-to ensure without a doubt that anything to do with the drugs will not be accidentally found (by anyone).

I also agree with Alarkaspree, and would suggest anyway, as another gesture of kindness to the difficult family circumstance (which lets hope is temporary), to go for a visit, but stay in a hotel. This will help sil (and Op for that matter) stay in a more stable mental environment without the 24/7 comparisons that will inevitably be made between the siblings' life choices. It might be a reality that his parents can not leave sil home alone.

Please consider to try it once, with a sincere open mind. The hotel will provide an escape if things do not go well.

I feel that your dh's points are valid. Trust your dh, respect his parenting; he wants his baby to stay safe too.

I also feel you're taking too hard a line. The woman's evidently fighting hard against her addiction and is willing to suffer through the methadone programme in order to maintain her family's support.

You're being asked to visit his parents' home, not a germ-infested subway tunnel. Baby's too young to go rummaging around the bottom of her wardrobe or the tops of cupboards, so won't be happening across any paraphernalia. I would like to think you'll respect his wishes and his parents' compassion - your SIL's illness is no threat to your baby.

Perhaps you find the whole idea alien and, therefore, frightening? In reality, it's likely you know at least one heroin user but would never guess. Please rest assured of your baby's safety, and give SIL the chance of a peaceful Christmas before her trial :)

I can understand you fears, and completely understand why you don't want to stay in her room (presumably she'll be in it anyway?). If your ILs came to you instead they would presumably have to bring SIl to yours, which would create further problems. Perhaps staying in a Premier Inn or similar is the best compromise?

I think you are being a bit OTT. I work with people on the Methodone programme and they are normal people. Some you would never know. I'm not saying I would let her babysit on her own but for her to be in the same house as her parents and you I dont think you need to worry too much. Her parents will be living on edge most of the time and have gone through some awfull times, dont make them suffer anymore. Your son would be a lovely distraction.

I used to take that filthy substance. I have been clean 9 years and I have a 4 and a half year old daughter - am I not fit enough to kiss and hug my daughter? Am I disgusting? Should I be kept away from decent people?

You have every right to protect your ds, there is always a chance that there may be a needle or even methadone lying around somewhere that has been forgotten about, and if she has any sense, your dh's sister will understand. But bear in mind that heroin is a 'filthy drug' because of the misery it puts people through, the intolerable pain of withdrawal, and the lengths people will go to in order to stop the sickness.

You wouldn't know heroin if it bit you on the arse - don't stigmatise your Sil, and if she is genuinely giving it a go and trying her best, give her what verbal support you can. Telling her that she is not fit to ever touch her nephew ever is very ignorant, cruel and uneccessary.

And I would rethink your thread title, unsavoury OP

What nemofish said. Both posts.

Stay in a hotel, but still go and visit. You would be very unfair if you did, in effect, punish your ILs for supporting your SIL. I don't think you should be calling the shots here, it should be a discussion with your DH, who clearly loves his family very much.

I really think you should go and use this opportunity to build bridges. I'm sure your SIL would appreciate your support. Let her have a cuddle with your DS, but don't leave her alone with him if it makes you feel better. She doesn't deserve to be treated like an outcast though.

Thanks for your constructive responses. Many of you have confirmed many thoughts and feelings about this subject.

It does feel like punishing the IL's and I have not had a good nights sleep since. The whole point of spending my son's first Christmas with them was because they don't see him very often.

A hotel is out of the question. I did suggest this to my husband and he thought this would be worse. He is an all or nothing kind of person. Also I don't really fancy spending my son's first Christmas in a hotel.

My Ils don't visit because they work for themselves and work predominately at the weekend. Also Christmas is their busiest time of year.

You have all been very sympathetic towards SIL and I understand why. I appreciate that addiction is a disease and this is something she has to live with for the rest of her. My ILS are not very drug aware and in some respects believe this is something she can just take a pill and it will go away. This is not something that has just happened out of the blue. She has been in and out of drugs for the last ten years. This will be the third time she will have to deal with withdrawal. She has stolen to feed her habit and this has included from me in the past. She has been working for my FIL for the past couple of years and due to recent events has lost him a lot of money.

This is very much a trust issue. An addiction I do understand and contrary to Nemofish, my reasoning is not due to ignorance. Its the destructive nature of the behaviour associated with it that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, hence the word 'unsavoury'. I am entitled to my feelings about this subject and thus will not change the thread title. Congratulations Nemofish on your recovery. I would never deny anyone the right to children. But when someone is prepared to inhale the fumes of this vile substance (it is a vile substance!!!)then kiss and hug your child, I don't think there is any other way to respond.

We have talked further about Christmas and we are going to play it by ear. You comments have made me think twice about things, especially HollyBollyBooBoo. We have now made arrangements to visit for my son's first birthday, hoping that things may be a bit settled by then.

I have never inhaled the fumes of that vile substance and then kissed / hugged my child, I got clean many years before she was born.

The years of drug addiction, the stealing, all normal for someone in her position, and perhaps unsavoury yes, but she deserves your pity and not so much your disgust.

As she has been an addict for 10years so fair, to be honest if she doesn't stop, she will probably not make it for another 5 years on top of that.

And most people don't smoke it, they inject - at least if she is smoking it she is cutting out a whole range of health problems that would otherwise be an issue.

It just upsets me that people still see addicts as scum. They are just people. I was a scared 19 year old fucked up on smack because daddy liked little girls, and I wanted to forget all about it. What I didn't need was comments like unsavoury, disgusting etc. What bollocks.

I am glad that you are going ahead and visiting. Be nice to the poor cow, please

BTW I didn't seriously think you were going to change the thread title.

Agree with nemofish, and sadly being an addict makes you desperate enough to break the law, it is a consequence of the addiction.
And as she's on a methadone programme, she is unlikely to be inhaling the second before she kisses your child.

Great post toomanystuffedbears OP I think she has given great advice which is worth following.

nemofish you have done amazingly and must be an incredibly strong person to have knocked H on the head, a lesser person would not have been able to beat it. But please don't take the OP personally - I remember being in tears when I found out that friends of a friend (tenuous link, no?!) were doing heroin, it is horribly shocking when you have not experienced it and perfectly natural for the OP to wish to keep her baby away from it. She is not being intentionally nasty I am sure, although I understand it must feel horrible to hear an addict described in that way.

vicdim14 I think if you get the grandparents on side to be super vigilant you can still have a family christmas without anyone having to be excluded, and without you feeling worried. I hope I am right.

Thanks Titian, I know I shouldn't let things get to me, but it re-opens those old wounds...

nemo

Macdoodle thanks, man!

Oh I am SO glad you're still here nemo - did start typing a response to you but thought I'd look stupid talking to someone who wasn't there!

Seriously you are awesome, I have seen your posts before and you always sound nice - great that you can use your experience to remind others that addicts are human and in the grip of something unimaginably hideous.

So hard I think to balance that fact with the natural protectiveness of a mother - 6 months old is so so tiny still, and perfect and unspoilt - I can totally understand not wanting any unpleasantness to come into that life. And of course, it is unpleasant, and unsavoury - hence why you have banished it from your life. Hopefully the OPs SIL will have the strength to do the same.

You can't catch heroin addiction.

Nemofish...you response was very honest and I respect you for that. I don't think we have to apologise for being honest about our feelings.

Your experience's will probably mean that you will be a better parent than me to deal with this type of thing.

I suppose I don't have much sympathy for SIL as there is no reason for her to be like this. Her parents are there for her always and have no expectations of her, just for her to be happy. The area they live in is quite notorious for drugs and it appears that she is just following the crowd. She is 30 years of age and thus you can't blame the ignorance of youth.

My background is quite conservative and this is quite shocking to me. My parents were in the military and I now work in legal sector.

You have made me think about things in a different light.

We are going to play things by ear, as there is a lot of hurt people involved (not just us).

I am going to end the thread now, as we are thinking about whether the turkey we have ordered for ourselves will be big enough to take down to the ILS.

Stay away, stay well away, no sane person would take a child to stay in a house with a junkie

Also, I know that you can not catch an addiction (I am not an idiot!!) and I never ever said the word 'scum,'