to be concerned that my daughters going to make a big mistake

[pinkstarlight]

my daughter recently came out of a 2 year relationship this guy towards the end did nothing but mess her about causing her heartache and depression to the point she ended up having to see a councilor. she started uni in october living miles from home struggling with depression, being lonely struggling to make friends and being homesick and was a victim of identity theft and had all her money taken from her bank account leaving her with nothing to live on instead of being supportive her b/f only went and dumped her.

it was terrible she cried her eyes out everyday to me on the phone and i was worried sick about her.then after a week her b/f turns up saying hes made a big mistake and hes sorry they get back together then he starts messing her about refusing to take her calls but sending txts to her saying hes annoyed with her refusing to answer why this went on for a month.

during this month she made a new friend who really supported her and eventually he told her he developed feelings for her so she decided to cut her losses and got with this new guy.

they have only been seeing each other a few weeks but the new guy is lovely and treats her so well,her depression has lifted and shes been happier than i have seen her in a long time.

the old b/f has just turned up again giving her the sob story saying he regrets how hes treated her,he cant eat,cant sleep hes really depressed etc just putting her on a guilt trip,anyway she asked me what i thought and i told her hes trying to make you feel guilty he didnt care about you when you was in that position and he most likely only interested because he knows your with someone else.

well she slammed the phone down on me which tells me shes confused and i obviously didnt say what she wanted to hear and shes now switched her phone off.shes also told me her x is coming to visit me over the weekend as he wants to thank me for everything i have done for him for god sake i only cooked him the odd meal,i dont want to see him im furious with him there was a time i thought she might be suicidal.

anyone got any good advice how to deal with my daughter and what to say to her.

Its a hard one ..I would advise her to stay single for a bit and sort her head out .but she is an adult so its her choice,just be there for her really ..Its awful when someone breaks their hearts

I think the main thing is to let your daughter know you are there for her, listen to her and be supportive. At the end of the day as hard as it is you can't make her make the right decision, you can only hope she makes the right decision herself.

Encourage her to talk through how he treated her, without saying anything yourself negative, maybe she will then make the right decision.

You do not have to see this ex, even if he comes to your door to 'thank' you.

I don't know what to say. I had a relationship like that when I was her age. My parents didn't intervene - if they had I woudn't have listened as I like to be contrary. The thing that ended it for me was finding someone else (who is now my husband) who was actually nice to me, and that made me realise how wrong the previous relationship was. Maybe that will happen for her?

Being single made me keep going back to the ex.

The thing my parents did do was to be positive about my new relationship, without reference to the bad relationship.

Maybe what you said to your daughter touched a nerve as she knows the previous relationship was no good, but doesn't want to feel like someone is saying 'I told you so' - not saying that is what you are doing, but she might be hypersensitive.

Not sure that is all that helpful but hopefully there is something in there...

How about saying to her "You've seemed so happy with new guy these last few weeks, I'm just worried that you'll end up hurt again if you do get back together with ex. You always seemed to be unhappy when you were with ex, and you've seemed so happy with new guy. I just worry about you." That way you're not dissing the ex, even though it sounds like there's plenty there to diss. And he can't make it out that you're driving them apart.

Gah. Awful for you to see your DD getting hurt. The ex does sound like a manipulative git Maybe do as suggested, and talk up the fact that she seems so much happier now.

That does sound like a good idea to me too.

thanks for the advice im just hoping she makes the right decision, i know i have touched a raw nerve by saying to her dont let him make you feel guilty he wasnt there for you when you needed him most.its so frustrating because i know hes playing the poor me card and he only has himself to blame.he has also turned some friends against my daughter who have given her a hard time over facebook.now hes trying to say everyone has stirred things up between them but this just not true it was only after she got with her new b/f that her xs friends expressed shock etc one even contacted her new b/f to tell him he was being used etc.

i think i will try saying about how happy shes been which of course is true

"her x is coming to visit me over the weekend as he wants to thank me for everything i have done for him for god sake i only cooked him the odd meal,i dont want to see him im furious with him there was a time i thought she might be suicidal."

Erm, red flag anyone?

He is trying to get her to take him back, disrespecting the fact that she has moved on, and has a new chap, and is now trying get round YOU?

Erm, here's another red flag.

He's turned her own friends against her?

You know what I'm about to say don't you?

He is a manipulator/abuser/bully in training.
By the sounds of it, he's pretty well practised too.

Tell her that she will end up trapped and battered and alone if she goes back to him, because he will control, isolate and destroy everything around her as soon as he can.

She is away from him, she needs to keep it that way.

FWIW, I also think she needs some time alone to work out how wonderful she is all by herself. she seems to be judging herself by the bloke that she is with.

That way certain madness/misery lies.

thats exactly how i see it hes manipulating her, i also had a sneak at his facebook where hes thanking his friends for getting him through the weekend grrr.i did try again to talk to my daughter on friday pointing out that shes been so happy lately, but she saw straight through me and got angry.
were meeting up in the week half way between where we both live to do a bit of shopping,meal etc and im also going up to visit her next weekend so im hoping we can have a heart to heart.
im going to try a different angle by telling her the damage has been done that even if they got back together life would be difficult,like how will his parents and friends be with her knowing how quickly she got with someone else and how although i would be polite for her sake with her x im not going to feel the same way about him.
but im definatly going to point out if she does want to end things with her new b/f she should be on her own for a while.she hates it when i tell her the truth and always gets angry,but she does tend to follow my advice and thanks me afterwards.so i have got my fingers crossed

Every word that littlemisshissy said.

and try to get dd to read this:

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

we had a good heart to heart today and this time she listened, she said her x turned up again over the weekend first he was nice then he got nasty so she threw him out he then sent her a really angry txt.

her new b/f just happened to ring her straight after and he knew she was upset so he came straight round to see her she told him she was confused,she said he was so nice about it and told her he understood if she wanted time to think about what she wants,but he wasnt going anywhere and he would wait till she was ready for a relationship.

she said that she was she was overwhelmed with everyone trying to tell what to do from her x and his friends to her best friends and then of course me. but she said the one thing that stood out was how lovely her new b/f was and how he never got annoyed or jealous that she had let her x into see her just the fact she was upset he dropped everything and came straight round to comfort her even though he had plans.

she said that shes thought about what i have said about the bigger picture and she now thinks im right and has worked out her x is just playing with her head.

thanks for the update pink. sounds good.

If a guy is all nice and then switches like that and sends nasty texts... it's clear proof of a wrong un.

Abusers often heat up really fast, sweep the girl off her feet then once she is hooked, out comes Mr Nasty. By then though the self esteem is already dented into believing that she is not worth any better and in fact that she is lucky to have him. Nice guys don't do that.

Her new BF sounds OK. My DSis had an abusive BF, for years. We never knew. Eventually she went away to college (mature student) and realised that all was not right. Her next BF was patient, was kind and helped her get over the beatings she had suffered.

Your daughter can recover from this, she does need to take things steady and at all costs keep this lunatic X away. Just keep telling her that she is doing the right thing, and that as her mum, you will always be there for her and if she needs to talk, a place to run to, or any help, that you are there.

Can she change telephone numbers?

im hoping its a good thing that her x went to see her and she saw his nasty side,she shed a few tears which i think needed to come out, im not sure if changing her phone number will make much difference because hes turned up twice at her home univited.

her new b/f is outgoing,popular and more than anything makes her laugh.through him shes being invited lots of places and meeting lots of new people.but he gives her space and is not offended when she spends time with friends.

one of the things that does stand out is that shes finding it difficult to understand why he likes her so much,she sees it that he is very good looking and could be with anyone.she says she never knows to what to expect from him hes full of surprises he writes her funny poems, takes over the dj when their out and tells everyone hes met the girl of his dreams,he even took her to a surprise gig of a band she likes and got back stage passes so she could meet the band which made her day.

i have got my fingers crossed that she stays away from her x.

the link I posted was broken so here it is again.

I think it could be a good idea for you to print it out and let her read it some time when she feels like it. It may help her to understand how easily people can get sucked into abusive and controlling relationships. And, of course she will be able to recognise the signs in the future.

I hope this new guy is as good as he seems to be (cynical me!?). If I were you I would be advising her to take it really slowly with the new one...but then we can't run our dds' lives for them can we? More's the pity!

She needs seriously to work on her self esteem! That's what the Ex did.

I hope she gives this new guy a good chance, because he will help her realise what real life is like and hopefully she will recover a little.

thanks for that mumonthenet makes very interesting reading,she is taking it slowly his family are really keen to meet her and suggesting he brings her home for the weekend but shes told him shes not quite ready for that yet he says he understands and will go at her pace.she says she knows that there are no garentees her new relationship will work only time will tell

littlemiss your right she does need to work on her self esteem,she also now knows who her real friends are shes lucky to have a number of friends that really do care for her.she needs to focus on the positive and let the past go.

If she keeps telling herself that and keeps focussing on the positive, she'll be fine.

Just seen this thread. Sorry you've been going through such a hard time with your daughter but sounds as if you've dealt with this brilliantly- your daughter's very lucky to have such a supportive mum :-)

It makes me think about what my poor mum must have gone through with me when I was away at uni. I think we had similar issues when I was having problems because she got so frustrated on my behalf. Good mums, for the most part, DO know what the right thing is, but my only advice is just to be careful about how you put your arguements across- especially if your DD's quite sensitive. Personally, when I phoned home upset, I wanted to be soothed and sypathised with primarily, and before the advice, because you'll always be 'mum' (In fact, I still do at 28! )

This might not be helpful, but it might stop the phone being put down etc and get you in a position where she's receptive to the good advice you've got to give!

Oh, and also, try to remind her that this whole horrible situation will be a distant memory very soon- uni years are by and large fantastic, so this will be dilluted, and freindship groups can change quite rapidly - these arses of freinds can be replaced very easily!

thanks Duna its good to hear from the other side of it,your right it is hard shes only 18 and i still have to get past wanting to fight her battles for her.but in another way im glad she still comes to me for advice even if she doesnt always like it.

i keep telling her things will pass and she needs to forget these friends its good to know who your real friends are.were meeting up tomorrow as long as the snow doesnt get in the way halfway between uni and home so that will be good time to have a heart to heart.

How are things Pink?

I agree with all the posters, I was exactly the same at your daughters age and I met someone who sounds like your dd's new bloke, we've been together since I was 19 and are happily married. I hope the same happens for your dd and she doesnt go back to her ex You have done a brilliant job!