Financial Abuse or am I just being paranoid?

[BadgerPaws]

Background
I'm a SAHM, with 2 children, one with major SN and one under 6 months.I'm also disabled myself. DH works, and I'm responsible for all the housework,childcare, shopping,household budget. DH helps with SN child in evenings and at weekends, but I have to do all of the babies care, plus getting up several times in the night to deal with aspects of SN child care.

Currently getting no benefits other then CB, so DH pays me an allowance of £800/month. Out of this I pay all utility bills, council tax, weekly shopping, clothes, presents, things for the house, days out and manage to save about £200 a month. DH pays the mortgage, takes £300 spends for himself, and the remaining £500 goes into the savings account. DH's spending money goes on gym fees, various sporting stuff, car and motorbike.

DH has unilaterally decided to blow all of our savings (close to 10k) on re-modelling our house in the most child-unfriendly way possible- think open-plan, mezzanine levels,open staircase. He's also dipped heavily into my meagre savings to fund this. I had been pushing him into redecorating, selling this house and moving to somewhere cheaper and more suitable for our needs. Now, as a result of his Grand Designs delusions,I'm trapped here,in an unsellable house.

Before he embarked on his project,I'd already suggested we do up the house conventionally, sell and buy somewhere much larger and cheaper in town; we'd reduce our mortgage payments, and his commute, have enough room for the children and I'd be able to get out of the house and do things with the children instead of mouldering away stuck in the countryside. I can't drive, and am not up to long, muddy walks, which is the only thing to do around here. DH wanted to stay here though,and I suspect has done this remodelling of the house to ensure that we are stuck here. The fact that I and the children are effectively excluded from part of the house is also worrying.

Every time I manage to save some money,a "crisis" happens, and my account is cleaned out in order to deal with it. The latest plundering means things will be very tight for christmas :(

DH is not abusive in any other way, although he does leave the lions share of the cooking/cleaning/childcare to me by affecting helplessness i.e. can't cope with baby crying so hands her back to me, chores done so ineptly I have to redo them, is unable to cook anything more complicated then a ready meal. He also cannot accept that my disability is as severe as it is, and thinks it will all be cured by me getting agood nights sleep

Am I just over-thinking this, or should I be worried?

BTW am regular,but have name-changed to prevent DH snooping

I think it's really unfair that he has £300 to spend and you have nothing, and also think you're managing incredibly well to pay for all that you do AND save £200.

Where is your power in this relationship?

I think you need to tell him what you've just posted and he needs to start to see you as a partner, not his servant.

And move any savings you have into an account he can't touch.

I can;t say I like the sound of it very much. What happens when you say 'No DH this plan is a disaster.'? Does he ignore you and do it anyway, does he get aggressive, does he tell you you're a silly bitch who doesn't understand the way the real world works?
What do your family and friends think? Or does he keep them at bay either by rudeness or just making it impossible for them to have much contact with you?

Sounds horribly abusive on a number of levels. Neither of us would dream of doing anything to the house unless it was a totally mutual decision. In fact, anything costing over £100 has to be joint decision. We don't have any separate money.

Get yourself a bank account your DH knows nothing about and has to access to. Why did he have access to your money anyway?

I can't believe he just gets to decide to do something so huge to a house where both of you live and completely disregard your feeling on it.

Does he respect you at all? And if not, why are you with him?

DH is never aggressive, he's just very good at talking me around. With the house he tried persuading me, when that didn't work, graduated onto continuously badgering me about it, and when I finally put my foot down and said it was a bad idea, and that I didn't want anything to do with it he went ahead with it anyway.

I'm shocked that he asked for the cash, and I meekly handed it over. Having said that, if I didn't we would be spending all winter with an uninsulated roof.

I seem to have drifted apart from most of my friends since we moved in together.Not through anythinng active on his part,I just haven't got the time or energy for socialising any more

Sorry I think this is really horrible. You are alone in a house you cannot use half of, out in the countryside where you cannot drive or go anywhere, your DH has £300 a month to spend on himself and regularly cleans out your bank account?

Bringing up DC is a two man job practically and everything needs to be divided.

TBH I think you need to have a long think about whether you want to keep living your life like this. Do YOU really want to move?

I'm a SAHM and every month DH and I sit down together and go through our finances and what we need to fork out for this month etc, for example he has given me more of "his" spending money this month as I am buying Christmas presents, I get the lions share of the spending money after bills as I buy the DCs clothes/presents etc. If he has a pay rise it's divided up as well.

I wonder if there is something deeper going on here with you both!

You just handed money over this time, I don't understand why you were upset at handing over money for a roof problem, that is something that needs doing!

I do wonder if you are a bit of a miser to yourself when it comes to money to be honnest, you save a large proportion of available income, to have a family four and to feed you all, pay bills on £600 per month and save £700 per month! were you short of money earlier in life or were your parents hoarders or spendthrifts or something?

It sounds like you have isolated yourself and that is understandable considering the work load, the thing is that is a choice you made, you could spend some of your savings on help like a cleaner, babysitter, you could get massages and go out for meals with friends, yet you choosse to save and then get angry at spending the money!

There may be more to this or I may be way off the mark here...

As for the redoing the house, what exactly did your dh do in remodelling and why did you not have a hand in it?

" The fact that I and the children are effectively excluded from part of the house is also worrying."
Yes, I imagine it wiould be. Wtf is going on there then? Why are you excluded? Have you been in there? What's in there?

You need to open a secret bank account and stash money in there.

I think you need to take some responsibility if you handed your savings over. Savings from that money should be seen as a 'float' to keep you going month to month if you have a large bill, xmas etc.

What would he do if you just went ahead with things and did something like get estate agents round to value the place?

I'd also like to know how you are excluded from parts of the house, is it work in progress? How dramatic is the work we are talking about as 10k wouldn't go that far unless you were doing a lot of the work yourself?

The other thing is that you are not taking responsibility for things like why have you never learned to drive you could spend your savings on that and have a break from the kids? do you hide behind the not being able to drive and living in the countryside?

the op is disabled, with a seriously disabled child and a small baby. learning to drive is not the fucking issue!

Tell him you need more money, OP, and spend that money on yourself.

RE the house, tell him that if he doesn't make sure it's disability adapted (out of his own goddamn spends) you will divorce him and force sale of it, and he won't have it any more.

I just wanted to add anothe thing, I have mobility issues myself, and have been mean to myself lots in many ways, so some of the things you say resonate with me!

Learning to drive is a massive issue, with the two disabilities op may be able to get a car paid for by dla, and I imagine that if the isolation is sorted out that it may help op's live and the life of the two children a great deal!

As a sahm it is imo not unreasonable that you be responsible for the majority of the household chores/childcare.

Also, you handed over the money to dh - he didn't clear out your bank account. That puts it in a totally different perspective.

You do need to sit down and have a discussion about the perceived balance of power in your relationship, but to me it seems as if there are issues on both sides - from your dh's side he is making decisions without your input, and from your side it may seem to your dh as if you are using your disability as an excuse for lots of things.

Sorry I know that sounds blunt, but tbh if you're able to care for two small children, one of whom has sn, then I fail to see how you are so disabled that you cannot leave the house, for instance.

I can see why you feel trapped but I don't think this is abuse.

Mummiehunnie
The savings were there partly as a cushion against redundancy and partly towards the deposit for a larger house.My (seperate) savings are money that I could spend on myself,but choose to save.I'm not sure how spending it on massages will help me when the boiler needs replacing and there's no money in the main account for that.

My disability precludes me from driving

Minky/Moomaa

Sorry, I've made that sound more dramatic then it really is. The renovation is open plan and mezzanine levels upstairs,so not very safe for small children, and not easily accessable for me

It's not on to make adaptations that make the house less suitable for you.

I think it sounded like he bullied you in to giving him the money, and yes, you could have said no, but the fact is you didn't, and perhaps you are a passive person, but this doesn't mean that you deserve to be bullied.
Mummiehunnie, I think you are a little naive and your point about the op possibly being miserly herself or maybe having issues related to money because of the way she's been brought up are frankly bizaar. If you are right you must be psychic because there is no possible way you could have gleaned that info from the op.

Has he finished all the renovations? I am blown away by this man's selfishness.

Mummiehunnie - I get the impression the uninsulated roof is thanks to the renovations that the OP didn't want, not a "roof problem". I think you've been totally harsh on the OP and projecting massively.

This man has behaved selfishly and insensitively, and you need to somehow regain some power in the relationship. Please try to get out and do your own thing a little - you sound as if you are in a terrible rut. Could you perhaps book the odd taxi/ babysitter and get out to see some friends just for a quick drink or something? Try to invest something in yourself for a change.

Wow! I am impressed that you manage to care for two children one a baby, one sn, do all the housework etc and yet you can't drive, a family member is on higher rater dla from mobility problems he has a car they pay for that has adjustments so that it takes into account his disabilities. I obviously don't know what your particular disability is as you have not told us and as someone else said if you can care for children etc and manage and don't need any outside help.... so that was why I thought that driving would be a way forward!

I think op is being very harsh to herself more so than anyone else could be!

the problem I have is that my perception of DH, that he is a warm-hearted,funny, kind, sensitive, generous man, does not fit with his current actions. I am aware that he does have a selfish streak; that hecan find it hard to see beyond his own wishes and desires at times,or that he will get so caught up in an idea he will ride roughshod over everyone else's views and feelings in order to see it through. This current episode goes way beyond anything I've seen before.

Regarding my health issues; he has always downplayed them. When I was pregnant I was hospitalized several times and finally discharged on strict bed rest and in a wheelchair. He decided at that point to embark upon a very strenuous weight training schedule, promptly strained his back and spent 8 weeks undergoing physiotherapy, taking things very easy and being unable to push my wheelchair. I had to struggle with crutches for the rest of my pregnancy.

Things like that keep happening, he will be loving, attentive, pull his weight with childcare and housework; then he will slip up and do something so jaw-droppingly selfish and stupid that it cannot possibly be accidental.If I pull him up on this, he will go into emotional blackmail mode, saying that I expext too much from him,that he can never do anything right, that he's given me everything I ever wanted and I'm still not satisfied. I end up feeling so guilty that I'll apologise and try and smooth things over. If I do hold my ground then we end up with sulking, stonewalling, slammed doors,and such adreadful atmosphere that I'm forced to capitulate and apologise.

It sounds like there are deeper issues, one being poor communication, maybe you could spend some of your individual savings on a babysitter and go and have some one on one counselling, and do something nice for yourself after once a week x