Financial Abuse or am I just being paranoid?

[BadgerPaws]

Background
I'm a SAHM, with 2 children, one with major SN and one under 6 months.I'm also disabled myself. DH works, and I'm responsible for all the housework,childcare, shopping,household budget. DH helps with SN child in evenings and at weekends, but I have to do all of the babies care, plus getting up several times in the night to deal with aspects of SN child care.

Currently getting no benefits other then CB, so DH pays me an allowance of £800/month. Out of this I pay all utility bills, council tax, weekly shopping, clothes, presents, things for the house, days out and manage to save about £200 a month. DH pays the mortgage, takes £300 spends for himself, and the remaining £500 goes into the savings account. DH's spending money goes on gym fees, various sporting stuff, car and motorbike.

DH has unilaterally decided to blow all of our savings (close to 10k) on re-modelling our house in the most child-unfriendly way possible- think open-plan, mezzanine levels,open staircase. He's also dipped heavily into my meagre savings to fund this. I had been pushing him into redecorating, selling this house and moving to somewhere cheaper and more suitable for our needs. Now, as a result of his Grand Designs delusions,I'm trapped here,in an unsellable house.

Before he embarked on his project,I'd already suggested we do up the house conventionally, sell and buy somewhere much larger and cheaper in town; we'd reduce our mortgage payments, and his commute, have enough room for the children and I'd be able to get out of the house and do things with the children instead of mouldering away stuck in the countryside. I can't drive, and am not up to long, muddy walks, which is the only thing to do around here. DH wanted to stay here though,and I suspect has done this remodelling of the house to ensure that we are stuck here. The fact that I and the children are effectively excluded from part of the house is also worrying.

Every time I manage to save some money,a "crisis" happens, and my account is cleaned out in order to deal with it. The latest plundering means things will be very tight for christmas :(

DH is not abusive in any other way, although he does leave the lions share of the cooking/cleaning/childcare to me by affecting helplessness i.e. can't cope with baby crying so hands her back to me, chores done so ineptly I have to redo them, is unable to cook anything more complicated then a ready meal. He also cannot accept that my disability is as severe as it is, and thinks it will all be cured by me getting agood nights sleep

Am I just over-thinking this, or should I be worried?

Oh dear I typed out an other response and it disappeared!

What I said was I will probably get flamed again by what's her name...

Speaking as someone with knowledge of disabilities in adults...

Women are far more likely statistically to stay in a marriage where their spouse has become disabled, they are also more likely to take on the caring role. Men sadly often leave or if they stay are more reluctant and less likely to take on a caring role.

I think you have to accept that maybe your husband does not want to work full time, help with children and be your carer too! I suspect that is why he sabotaged things when you were pregnant, maybe he loves you, but does not want to be your carer and maybe you need to accept that, I do wonder that you refuse to get paid help in is that you somehow hope that he will see how badly you are struggling and help you more, I think that you have enough evidence that will not happen.

I would imagine that you both would fair a lot better if you just accepted the help that is available and accept direct payements and dla and get a pa/carer in, they will then as part of the job take you out and do the driving as you are not able to do so and you will be less isolated!

I don't know

Minky
The work is mostly finished,but there is a lot of tidying up,finishing off and decorating to be done.

xkittyx
yy to the roof issue

Hmm. It sounds like your H is loving, kind, etc as long as he is getting his own way, and prepared to be unkind at the slightest hint that he might have to prioritize your needs and give up something he wants.
What is the issue with you not getting professional help for your disability/mobility problems? Do you in fact get health visitors or other care professionals round to see you/help you out? Or has your H somehow prevented this happening or talked you out of asking for professonal help?

Badgerpaws, would your dh consider marriage guidance? It sounds to me like you have difficulty getting him to understand or care about your needs, and he clearly does not understand how incredibly selfish he has been, and he really has ridden rough shod over your needs, hopes and dreams. He does sound like he has been a wanker over this, and I wouldn't rule out at all the idea that he is emotionally abusive, but the very faCT THAT YOU HAVE TO ASK shows that there is a problem, and that you feel that you are suffering some sort of abuse.

Keep bumping this thread and hopefully some of the mners who are very knowledgeable and helpful in this department will be along soon.

MummieHunnie are you calling me 'what's her name'? Me thinks you have a chip on your shoulder. You're a very defensive lady aren't you? By disagreeing with you, I am not flaming you, far from it, this is not flaming! I think you have projected a lot of strange issues on to the ops situation, and your ridiculous oversimplified solution, i.e. learn to drive and get a massage every week, is deeply patronising and smug. That isn't a flame either. It's a disagreement.

MummieHunnie, I'm really sorry, I've just noticed another thread you're on and I see you're having a hard time at the moment. The last thing you need is me being rude to you, so I just wanted to say that sorry, and the very best of luck with everything.

wow thanks for that, it takes a lot to do that, I was ignoring your post as I did not want to distract from the poster, I was not being smug or any of the things you said (well not conciously) just sharing knowledge and trying to help as is everyone else x

BadgerPaws, could he be having a mid life crises by any chance? The reason I ask is that your lives sort of resemble mine and my husbands previous situation. You have to put your foot down and be more decisive assertive and take control. This will only come when you get to a town. The countryside is bleak and terrible if you can't drive, I speak from experience. I don't know how you cope with the added disability. I don't think he is a bad man he sounds like my hubby and now I have more confidence and we have worked through many of our differences the door slammings and emotional blackmail are very few and far between. I am new to this site but feel for you as I know how frustrated you feel, please keep in touch and keep posting. I'm not sure if we can do this but feel free to email me direct if it's possible

an "allowance" makes it sound like you are a teenager or an ex-wife - not a current wife and partner.

surely a better way is a joint acocunt for all household/family related stuff - then your own equal spending moneys

the being nice then "slipping up" - well that is how bullies/controlling people work they can be nice and they can be nasty adn to avoid the nasty you end up pandering to them....

Remodelling the house to make it less navigable for you and DCs is outrageously cruel! As your mobility problem is severe enough to prevent your driving, I imagine floating stairs & the like are going to cut you off from parts of your own house - unless he's installing a lift?

He sounds like a man in complete denial of his own life.

I do wonder how you became so compliant. You do all the home and family stuff, have a partner who refuses to acknowlege your disability, cave in to his demands over the building, hand over your money without question and seem unaware of what help could be available to you. You sound ferociously under-entitled. Do you feel trapped?

Well ,that all went well

Had a big talk with DH over the weekend. Once we got past all the stonewalling and counter-accusations he apologised. Says that once he decides on something he has to see it through to the end, gets completely single minded and focused, regardless of collateral damage (my words,not his) and this is what happened with the house. Work has stopped til after christmas, and he's putting in stairgates. Has also agreed to replace my savings, never to touch them again, and not to do anything on the house unless we are in complete agreement, with no cohercion(sp).

Having said all that, he still thinks it was a good idea, and can't understand that I wont be able to use the mezzanine. I tried explaining that with getting up several times each night to see to the baby & other child I would need to sleep on the same floor as the children. He sniffed, looked hurt and said "but I want you to be sleeping next to me"

As for my disability, it's one of those invisible, fluctuating auto-immune types.On good days I can manage a 5 mile hike; on bad days I don't even have control of my own bladder :( Have tried to get DLA, disabled adaptions, additional care at home and failed. This is why DH down-plays the severity (and probably thinks I'm lazy and malingering), he just cannot get that i'm ok-ish one day, and so incapacitated the next. Added to this I had 5 years of remission, was fit and active, had a full-time job.

I'm in the process of claiming dla for disabled child, also taking local authority to tribunal as they are failing to meet child's educational needs.

Back to DH, it probably is some kind of denial or mid-lifecrisis. Loads of redundancies where he works and his team is impacted.

I sometimes wonder whether DH is autistic. Once he latches onto something (plan, ides) he finds it very difficult to let go. Cannot focus on more then one thing at any time and cannot change or adapt mid-way through. He also has huge problems with social communication and interaction, doesn't get the unwritten rules, when talking to people,will be incredibly blunt,rude,hurtful and not realise, and is incredibly remorseful and embarrassed when it's pointed out to him. He can't read non-verbal cues either.

He over-compensates for all this with an over-the-top,in-yer-face persona, but iscripplingly shy and emotionally fragile underneath. He used to drink heavily to conceal/cope with his issues,fortunately doesn't any more.

myabe maybe not. regardless- unless he recognizes the issues and is open to getting some help then he aint gonna change.

unlike your child, you cannot force /impose therapy/education on him.

so you need to consider longer term whether you can or cannot live with this on daily basis.

if you can - what are the ground rules?

there is also a bbit of "i want you" going on - not thinking of the children's needs or even your needs.

explaining h9s issues - mid life crisis, dnail whatever - it really does not matter what the reason is if he wont accept tehre are issues and wont do anythig about it -and not just minor "ok i will fit the stair gate" things. he is an adult and he ash the power to taek control and think beyond himself. dont make excuses for him. (i know how easy it is to do so - i did for years with my now exP)

when you have a bad day - this house is unsuitable for you and that is awful...the fact he wont/cant see that is horrendous.

"DH pays me an allowance of £800/month. Out of this I pay all utility bills, council tax, weekly shopping, clothes,"

that's not an allowance. That's house running costs.

He sounds like a selfish, insensitive, mildly abusive man - why are you with him?

Collateral damage?? His wife and children are referred to as Collateral Damage.

What a nob.

I had all this with dh. I had ms, was hardly able to stand, let alone do anything useful and was treated as lazy and malingering. Even now, I can barely bring myself to ask for help from him as he is just as likely to tell me I'm being ridiculous, as he is to actually help.

He does sound abusive. Perhaps not massively so, but the impact he's had on your life is massively detrimental. You are isolated from everyone, you have little spare cash, you cannot live in your own house, he doesn't help with the baby or child at night and is making it impossible for you to do so either without 'rejecting' him (by not sleeping with him).

He is a grown up. He can control himself. If he were to behave like this at work he'd be out on his ear wouldn't he? Does he just push ahead with projects his colleagues/bosses tell him are crap just because he 'can't stop himself'? No.

Present him with an account of how much it costs to run the house etc. This will be paid out of the joint account into which his salary is paid. What is left over can then be divided into savings and individual spending. I advise you keep yours in an account he can't touch.

It will only get worse. Believe me, I know.

Alouiseg
I used the term 'Collateral Damage', not DH. Blame my dodgy sense of humour.

iciclesgracearchways
I had a string of previous,very abusive relationships. I've been in therapy for this, but still find it very hard to stand up for myself and acknowledge my needs in a relationship.I always end up deferring to my partner and subjugating my own needs/opinions. Add that to someone who's very pro-active,driven,likes to take charge (DH) and it's a corrosive mix.

jux
Thsats what we are planning to do with the finances. talked it over at the weekend and DH is fine with that