Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies friend - want to deal with now

49 replies

chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:31

Name changing because I?m a wuss.

Going to try and keep it brief, but happy to provide any other info if required

Think DH fancies my friend. Nothing major, but he likes her ? I can just tell. Lots of various examples . He has been mentioning her a lot, and it just put me on edge a bit. Checked his phone as I know he speaks to her in a business capacity sometimes. Found h had text her about some medicine he was buying for me, that she had recommended. He has an iphone and I could see the conversation, and he tried to keep it going, by asking open questions. She eventually didn?t reply, and there is nothing more there

He has previous texting of another female history but over 12 years ago , we were but teenagers, not something I had even thought about until recently.

I don?t want him to start on a slippy slope ? how do I deal with this. My first instinct is to tease him enough that he knows I know he likes her or something. Don?t know but read relationships board enough that I should be seeing this as a good way to end this before it anything evening worth mentioning, and also our relationship will benefit from it.

I should add I?m not pissed off with him or anything, I understand this happens sometimes, I just want to make sure I deal with it correctly.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 24/11/2010 20:33

Talk to him honestly.

Let him know you have been made to feel uncomfortable. It could have been completely innocent and he may not have realised how his actions have made you feel.

AnyFucker · 24/11/2010 20:34

I think you should let him carry on making a fool of himself

It seems your friend has his measure

Why should you save him from himself?...let the stupid plank carry on. He isn't a child and is responsible for his own behaviour.

OnlyWantsOne · 24/11/2010 20:35

Well,...

they are your two options Grin

AnyFucker · 24/11/2010 20:35
Grin

Good old MN...if you want contrasting opinions, you will get 'em

cees · 24/11/2010 20:38

I wouldn't go around it, I'd ask him straight out how he feels about her. You deserve to know.

FattyArbuckel · 24/11/2010 20:40

Think it is a bit controlling to ask him to change his behaviour tbh

Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:41

Hmmmmm, think if I give it more time than necessary - It will become an ISSUE - when I'm hopeful I could point out he's a bit of an ar$e, move on.

Perhaps I'm being naive.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 24/11/2010 20:41

I am now wondering if AF and I are some form of MN bipolar.

cilantro · 24/11/2010 20:42

I don't think it sounds lke anything to be too worried about it. Aren't crushes normal in a relationship? Hopefully this one fizzles fast though since it is your friend and all. I would go for the teasing approach! (I would be jealous too)

Panzee · 24/11/2010 20:43

OnlyWantsOne and AnyFucker are you the angel/devil that sit on opposite shoulders? I'll leave it to you to sort out who's who :o

Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:43

yip thats exactly it, a little bit jealous, new baby only 5 months - and just a bit down.

I don't want him to be texting her, I want him to text me.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 24/11/2010 20:44

I would tell my mate, laugh riotously about his inappropriateness and proceed to tell him ALL about it afterwards.

That'll sort the bugger. He'll never be able to meet her eyes again.

Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:46

KatieScarlett I really like that idea.

I'm also trying to be considerate of my friends feelings. She must feel a bit torn.
It may make her feel relived that I know that he is a plonker.

OP posts:
madmissy · 24/11/2010 20:48

I'd say "oi you ain't getting a threesome you know"

jokes aside say to him you think he fancies her? being open is always best i thought?

Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:50

If I ask him if he fancies her he will say no, and he'll probably back off and be more careful.

I thought I could use this as an example of how we should deal with these things - for the next time.

I'm cool that he finds others attractive, I think it's 'persuing' element I don't like.

OP posts:
beebuzzer · 24/11/2010 20:50

I would tell your mate jokingly and pretend you find it hilarious and hopefully she will too,then the joke's on him!

KatieScarlett2833 · 24/11/2010 20:50

She will be relieved that she no longer has to endure his attentiveness. Nothing worse than a friends partner behaving inappropriately, do you tell her and have her disbelieve or hate you? Or keep quiet and suffer in silence?

Neither option is pleasant, the humiliation option is far more sisterly and he deserves all he gets.

madmissy · 24/11/2010 20:51

Do you think he is capable of taking it further IF your friend was too?

cilantro · 24/11/2010 20:51

oh new baby, my DH developed a mad crush on a work colleague around the time my DS was the same age. I was so jealous and was imagining him having a full blown affair with her. I don't think there was anyway he was, but I could just tell she was a 'special' colleague and of course with a new baby I was feeling worried/insecure and trapped at home. I think keep your head held high and wait for it to pass. But I would be doing the teasing!

Now my youngest is 2 1/2 and I'm enjoying some light crushes of my own, all is good. ;-)

traceybath · 24/11/2010 20:53

Chocolate - you are being so calm and controlled about this which is admirable. I'm not sure I'd be so good.

I think I'd have to talk to him about it but thats because I can't let things fester.

I do think flirting with your wife's friend when said wife has recently had a baby is pretty low behaviour to be honest

Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:54

If my friend was to take it further..........dunno. i would say 99% no I don't think he would.

Thsi will sound weird but her husband is like my husband. Into golf a tad overweight. i think he thinks she would like him. If that makes any kind of sense. It's like he wants her to respond so he would back off. But he would know he still had it - God that makes me sound like a nutter.

Overthinking things I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:55

traceybath - been brewing for about 18 months I think, but just managed to get my attention recently

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatecar · 24/11/2010 20:57

I think I am controlled because deep down I know I am not threatened. But I don't want to be complacent as you never know do you?

OP posts:
traceybath · 24/11/2010 20:59

No you don't and its just a bit disrespectful to openly flirt with your wife's friend as puts her in a very difficult position as well.

But you sound good and will undboutedly handle it well Smile

SpringHeeledJack · 24/11/2010 20:59

I wouldn't worry

unless I've missed something, all he's done is texted her about some medicine for you- which doesn't scream to me that he fancies her

and as for liking her/mentionitis- maybe it's simply because he's your partner and she's your mate that he sees nowt wrong in chatting about her? ie he likes you, you like her so he likes her as well, sort of by extension?

I just can't see it, myself

Swipe left for the next trending thread