I am SO crap at dealing with people, I am doormat but I don't know how else to be.

[OnEdge]

I hate confrontation, I am crap at it. The very few times that I have attempted to resolve a problem i fuck it right up and wish I had kept quiet.

I have a very overbearing friend who has asked me to tackle my DD (3) for saying that she isn't best friends with her DD I really want to tell her to stop being such a nob, but I said i would try. We are supposed to be going out later in the week with the children but I just don't want to know. My DD always gets blamed for these stupid squabbles and I find it exhausting. If I say anything it will be a fucking nightmare and I will have to see her 4 times a week due to play group.

Is anyone else a doormat? I feel so inadequate, I could burst into tears

(hugs) Yes, I guess I am atm too but not quite in the same way. I can't be bothered with confrontation either and just tend to let things lie and fester away by myself. Sounds pretty silly to me anyway, little ones always have squabbles and fights,ts all part of growing up.

so what am I to do? If I confront her there will be a HUGE upset, if I don't I feel that I am letting her control me and my DD.

I found a (partial) doormat solution...but it's not always effective.

CBT online course helped me to straighten out my total doormat tendancies and to not worry too much about upsetting people if they're being unreasonable...

www.livinglifetothefull.com/

I had this last week, my ds was "upsetting" my friend's dd. He was sticking up for himself and not letting her dd have all the control which she likes as she has two older brothers and bosses them around but has met her match in ds. She is treated like a baby in the family and acts accordingly.

I would back away slightly. Meet her this week and then come up with excuses for the next few and dont hang around at playgroup (unless it is the type of group where you have to stay).

You are not alone onedge. I am also rubbish at confrontation, I avoid it at all costs and feel like a terrible and inadequate mother as I never stick up for my kids, I just run away :(

On the very few occasions I have tried to stick up for myself I end up making things worse, or crying.

Sorry I have no advice. I just wanted you to know you are not alone :(

bb99 - is that course free?

Thanks. I'm glad its not me, all of the above makes sense. I see it as my DD runs rings around hers both mentally and physically. If my DD makes friends when we are out, she gets accused of leaving her DD out. I see it as my DD is good at making new friends.

Her DD is vile to mine and my friend just doesn't seem to see it. She tells my DD off and I just sit there like an idiot smiling, I hate myself for it. I might try and distance myself, but even this will be misinterprated. I actually feel suffocated and trapped. The sad thing is that we can have a really good time sometimes but the rest of the time gives me a headache.

Once my DS got told off for not holding friend's DD's hand.

They were both 4 and 3. I don't think he should be forced to hold anyone's hand. She saw it as him upsetting her DD. I, like you, didn't speak up to avoid falling out with her. I cannot think about that incident without feeling awful that I let my DS down. What I should have said is 'I think it's ok if he doesn't want to do it and shouldn't be forced into doing it'.

If you don't stick up for her how will she learn not to be a doormat (like you) in her life? This is what I resolved to do. A friendship isn't all that if you are afraid of a confrontation and constantly walking on eggshells. You need to come up with phrases ready for the next time you see them.

'You don't have to be best friends everyday - it's nice to have lots of friends'

If she is bossing your DD you can say 'I think she is finding you quite bossy young lady!' wiht a smile.

If the mum pitches in you can say 'oh they're so small and fickle, they'll get over it in a few minutes. We don't need to get involved in their squabbles!'

OK they might not be brilliant examples (I'm no expert - I'm still learning with some characters) but you do have options to say something and not passively accept her crap.

I am like you OnEdge , i hate confrontation too & i have "friends" who use this to their full advantage . The thoughts of standing up for myself makes me feel physically sick & shaky .

yes it makes me feel frightened. My friend actively seeks confrontation wherever possible, its embarrassing

I do not see anywhere close to acceptable that your DD is told off for not saying that she is the other child's best friend, she has a right to CHOOSE her best friend, and completely wrong that the other mother is telling off to your daughter in front of you, if she does something inappropriate is up to you to disciplinate your DD. I would put some distance with that family, I would not see it fair on DD

would you say that she is trying to control me and my DD ? That is how it feels to me.

I think the people that you have to 'deal with' are people that you don't need to be around.

It isn't you with the main problem, it is her-your problem is dealing with She That Has A Problem, iyswim.

You are the Chairman of the Board regarding anything about your children. Don't let the problem one oust you from that position. Find a simple statement, memorize it, rehearse it, say it 10,000 times so it will pop out of your mouth just from muscle memory. Something like:

"I don't observe that policy with my child, she is allowed to decide this for herself." Note that this is not a statement directed at the problem one (as in "will you stop it!!), it is a statement of fact of your policy.

Then if the response is something rediculing or disrespectful, otherwise degrading then speak with your feet (suddenly remember superfical reason) and leave.

I think you should go ahead and establish such boundaries with this person. I predict your relationship will end-and I would feel that that would be ok. (What are you losing?-someone who craps on you and on your child very often. Relief.)

Others will begin to respect you more, and I doubt that you are the only one that feels this way about her. You will respect yourself more too, your d will respect you more too.

There doesn't have to be a big showdown, ok?-stay in adult mode. Just start, one circumstance at a time. Some can be predictible-so choose one and give it some thought.

Good luck. Hope this helps some.

Yes, she may have a need for some sort of superiority supply through these 'power plays'.

Trust your feelings.

wow, you sound so strong ! The trouble is, i know that i will be so blinded by the upset that i will not know what to say and start shaking etc. She is very articulate and very good at keeping calm in an argument, i have seen her in action too many times. I am a wimp and i hate myself for it at the moment. I wish you could be a voice in my head telling me what to say.

I feel about 6 years old

I thought that I could just say that I have discussed it with my DD and explained that it is mean to say things that hurt other people. However, that is as far i as I will go, I am not going to try and control a 3 year old and if she doesn't like your daughter then I can not force the issue. If they continue to bicker then I suggest they have time out and not arrange for them to play for a few weeks until things have calmed down between them.

How does that sound?

Her DD is a pain in the arse as far as mine is concerned. She is very intense and forever grabbing her sleeve and trying to force her to do things. My DD just tries to shrug her off and refuses to do whatever it is, then they fall out and my DD gets blamed for being nasty

This person is in effect training you to train your chil up to be her chil's toy as you are to the mother!

D's not working lol, child not chil x

Fuck !

Onedge don't worry to much dd had very gentle easy going nature and would do what others want rather than cause a fuss heaven knows why as I'm no doormat .She had a friendship where other girl dominated as much as I tried to keep eye on it dd was at school with her so nothing could do

but in year2 all of suddern dd turned round and said mum I don't like playing with ..... Any more and she told her to and exactley why

We moved and dd in new school still easy going but made plenty of friends but if needs will now tell other dc to back of which going yo be usefull as she's very small so yours might not necessary be a doormat

The other dc that used to be friends with apparentley is musing my dd mum called up said can we come visit as missing her(2 hours away) dd said mum no way .. Sorry she has no friends but I don't miss her she spoke to other dc mum herself said no ty I'm busy then gave me phone back

So maybe take time away from the other person under exscuse of being busy with Xmas pratice saying no to small thongs from your friend

On Edge, you and your dd are worth more than this person and her child she who is learning to either be like her or her doormat x I wish you well in spending time with people who are more helpfull to you both x

Hi OnEdge,
Sorry I had to go away last evening.

Trying a new strategy can feel like a performance at first. I fully understand the feeling of freezing up in the moment. That is why the rehearsals are so important. And breathe, breathe, breathe and your pulse will calm down then speak in an even voice. Don't feel you have to talk fast-slow it down, and think. You could start with "Excuse me, but...it looks like they are not getting along so well these days. It will be better if they don't play together for a while. We can try again in a few months." (Giving a ray of false hope, also known as being nice, to the child.) Then stick to it and repeat the exact statement over and over - stonewall her with that statement. What you wrote in 1:13:02 post is the correct parenting protocol, imho. But I don't think you need to explain that to the Problem One. You do not need her validation for your parenting. You will only get a dismissive, ridiculing response.

The fact is they are not getting along (reason in irrelevant at this age, (or any age? ) the response is separate them.

You could have a secret signal with your dd to let her now when it is ok to dump the pest change play stations.

This might be why She That Has A Problem is such a steamroller: She is following a script too. She probably doesn't even listen to what is being said to her-past the first 10 words or so; she is already sorting her mental files for the next put down based on those first 10 words. ( My STHAP sister is like this.) So keep your statement brief and very simple-so simple that the 3 year olds can get it. "DD-you can play as you like-this is your play time, too."

I agree with Mummiehunnie. She That Has A Problem is treating the lot of you like you were inanimate dolls.