I am SO crap at dealing with people, I am doormat but I don't know how else to be.

[OnEdge]

I hate confrontation, I am crap at it. The very few times that I have attempted to resolve a problem i fuck it right up and wish I had kept quiet.

I have a very overbearing friend who has asked me to tackle my DD (3) for saying that she isn't best friends with her DD I really want to tell her to stop being such a nob, but I said i would try. We are supposed to be going out later in the week with the children but I just don't want to know. My DD always gets blamed for these stupid squabbles and I find it exhausting. If I say anything it will be a fucking nightmare and I will have to see her 4 times a week due to play group.

Is anyone else a doormat? I feel so inadequate, I could burst into tears

thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. i sent She That Has a Problem a text, it said that i had to work the evening before the "play date" and that i would be knackered the next day, if she didn't mind i would rather stay at home. they were welcome to come round but it might be a good idea to give the girls some time out.similarly we dont get this problem with any of her other friends.

well, the response was a real emotional blackmailer.

it said ...shame on you..blah blah, thought we were mates but you twisted my words....love you both as family.....just wanted the girls to play nicely.....you don't know me....

classic response of a control freak losing control !

i feel a sense of relief. not looking forward to facing her tomorrow, but am determined to stand my ground.

i feel so good for standing up to her.

(sorry bout typing, holding heavy sleeping baby in other hand)

Good for you.
Her vile backlash is validation for you. I hope you see it that way-in a sort of clinical monitoring kind of way and not take it personally because it really isn't about you, it is all about her.

It sounds like 'all-or-nothing' in her very black and white world.

Imho, she isn't losing control, she has just turned the page on you to get you back in line verbatium: Shame, guilt, 'after all I've done for you', you are obliged to me, how could a subordinate dare treat a superior that way...you get the idea.

Don't let any of it stick. And don't apologize. I would also avoid such ambiguities as 'if you don't mind' or 'if it is ok with you' as that is rather asking permission.

yes i thought that after i sent the text "if you dont mind" i included that just to keep it sounding friendly and polite. it does sound kind of subservient though, but .....thats me

do these people know they are doing it ? i don't understand, i mean, do they have any insight ? what goes on in their heads ? why cant they just be happy and ok ? is it like a superiority complex ?

It is a tricky dynamic and it isn't for us to diagnose or cure. But it does help to try to figure things out so you know where you stand, iyswim.
The Bossyness,
Queen Holding Court,
Over functioning so others don't get a chance to function,
Proving to themselves that they are worthy (demonstrating that others are not as worthy is apparently an easy way to do this),

and yes, the superiority complex...

Just guessing here-
She may have had a crap childhood which caused her to turn to this strategy to 'survive' emotionally, if not physically.

Look up narcissistic personality disorder. That might explain a few aspects you have experienced.

Your 'friend' may not be as bad as this but you could learn about interpersonal dynamics of dysfunction by reading
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This is a book about abusive men, but it rang clarions of bells for my sister. It points out that this behavior is a choice and the foundation is that the abusive one has absolutely no respect for the other person/people.

This may seem a huge over reaction to study these serious subjects based on a play ground dynamic with a couple of 3 or 4 year olds.
But I don't think it will be a waste of your time for the relationship dynamics your dd will face, lets say, when she is 12/13/14. You can help her learn to set her own boundaries now-it will make a huge difference in the quality of her life.

There is a book called "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk" that is a very good resource, too.

I will have to buy that book.

Well, 1pm arrived and she pulled up behind me in her Range Rover she opened the back door and carried a huge wrapped present to the back of my car (that I was sat in waiting for the playgroup doors to open) she pend my backdoor and placed the present in the boot (it was my 40th on Monday) and she said "There you go Missus" I just thanked her. Then I collected DD and left, she was inside chatting to another Mum. I later sent a brief text thanking her for the pressie.

So no handbags a t dawn. I am so relieved its all over and she is out of my life. and I have finally had the balls to do the right thing by my daughter

Maybe (I'm b4eing charitable here) she is Parentally Blinded to her own daughter's behavior? As you may be yourself - no parent every truly knows if they are being objective about their children.

YOU see a dynamic that means your daughter is being told off simply for not wanting to be friends with someone, but the OTHER mother may be seeing her daughter as being ditched the second something better comes along.

but they are 3. so by dealing with it themselves they are learning social skills. If she keeps on trying to sort things out for her DD then she will never learn how to deal with it herself.

I am aware that my DD was being unkind, and it was addressed by the play group staff at the time. Her DD often clouts mine or will pull lumps of her hair out, but nothing is ever said to her, all my DD did was say something hurtful and all hell breaks loose, it isn't fair, and my DD is getting mixed messages.

Anyway, I'm done now and it is a new lease of life. Realisation strikes !