Me and DH have been going through what seems like a prolonged rough patch. Married 10 years, two children in the space of two years after years of trying and IVF horrors. It now feels as if he's been in a bad mood since DC2 was born 21 months ago.
Sex has never been fabulous, but we had a good time. Infertility certainly took the shine off it, and it became perfunctory. Can't think of the last time we were wild and carefree in bed.
I've always been upfront about wanting an orgasm when we have sex and have never felt particularly bad about 'helping myself along' manually. I suppose it did disappoint me somewhat that he didn't feel too bothered about my satisfaction. On the other hand, of course, orgasm has to be the end point for him. Isn't that the whole point of it for most men? 'It's alright if she doesn't have one, but I've got to haven't I?' seems to be the general message. Foreplay diminished to pretty non-existent and again, I missed that but didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear critical.
So we don't do it at all now. It turns out (when we were trying to have a grown-up conversation about what was going wrong in our relationship) that he felt that I 'pressured' him into sex last time we did it six months ago and that has turned him off it. I was really insulted and felt upset but I didn't let him see that - I don't want to get into a competition for who is most offended by the other one. Still, I felt it was really below the belt and knocked my confidence. The accusation was unjust and unfair. It made me pull away from him and I haven't sought any affection from him at all. He hasn't given me any affection for ages and it makes me so sad. I feel so lonely.
Then last weekend - another 'chat' - he accused me of being selfish in bed, that I had only cared about my orgasm and that me masturbating really put him off and that's why he didn't want to have sex with me. He said it in such a nasty way it makes me cry. It is just so hurtful to hear him say things like that. It feels like he's kicking me. I've never felt very confident about my sexual skills on a man - I've always asked him what he wanted, but never successfully managed to give him a blowjob despite being up for tuition or guidance - now I feel incredibly rejected and an also angry, I mean, Why wouldn't you want an orgasm when you're having sex - doesn't everybody.
So I did defend myself and say 'Isn't your orgasm important to you? Aren't you keen on having one when you're having sex? So surely the same can go for me? Your orgasm is important to you isn't it?' And when thus challenged he said 'No, not really, no!' Yeah right. Liar liar pants on fire.
So can someone tell me, what can I do? Sex wasn't great and going downhill anyway, but I would never have insulted his performance just because I would think that would be cruel. Anyway now he's done that to me and it does feel cruel. As much as feeling insulted, I feel terribly sad that he feels able to be cruel to me and to crush me without care of my feelings. I always thought he was caring towards me, even when everything else was crumbling. Maybe now that's crumbling too.
Perhaps there is room for a new start here. Maybe we can have a sexual Ground Zero and start watching Lovers' Guides and have a new dawn together. But that seems unlikely, given what seems like a new low in our relationship. I feel lonely and sad about him. He is supposed to care about me and I feel completely unloved. Which makes it so very difficult for me to love him.