Age Gap Relationship

[FlatulentStarfish]

I have unexpectedly met a really nice guy and I'd love your opinion on my situation.

I'm 46, divorced having got out of a long emotionally abusive relationship, almost 2 years ago. Since then I've had therapy, been working on my problems (co-dependent, rescuer). I've been socialising and getting on well with my career quite expecting to be single forever.

The guy I have met works in the next building, I've known him for about 3 years, he is liked by everyone and seems kind, respectful and decent.

The downside is he is 70 (but doesn't look it!), he's been divorced for 30 years with no kids, marriage broke down because he put his career first (it took him abroad a lot).

We've only dated twice but he's taking me out
again at the weekend. I am a bit bowled over by the way he treats me like a princess, I love going out with him he is interesting, well-mannered and attentive. He also is financially secure.

I'm worried about when I tell my parents and children about him and what they'll say about the age gap, not to mention my ExH as it will give him an opportunity to make life difficult.

I am almost scared to continue seeing this guy because of this. Although I am better than I was I do have low self-esteem problems connected to my personal life but I do have a successful career.

I've also looked for "red flags" and I don't think he's got abusive tendencies. The only negatives are that he doesn't have any close friends (but loads of acquaintances) and spends a lot of time in the pub (but not an alcoholic).

Thanks for reading and would love to know what people think.

The age rule for dating someone younger is half your age plus seven.
So you just scrape in.
As long as you are happy then don't worry. Men end up with women a lot lot lot younger.

Well, to be blunt, long term it depends on whether you want to be caring for an 80 year old when you're 56. My sister married someone 18 years older than her - she's now 50 - and he has health problems now and doesn't work much. She is very happy with him though and he treats her very well. It's just not an easy life.

Thanks needafootmassage, I suppose one of my worries is that I am attracted to him because he seems safe, makes me feel very secure and protected.

Not just because of his age, he is just that kind of guy, but he has that old school way of really looking after a woman and I've never expereinced it before. It is making my head spin a lot!

He is 70. 70
Bleaurgh
But yes, I agree with rules beign bollocks. Unless they refer to dating a septuagenerian while in your forties. Then it's just good sense

Not 'The Rules' rules. Just one of those commen sayings. Have you never heard it before?

Thanks for your comments - even the harsher ones. It gives me an idea of how other people will view us.

One thought though - my best friend is 60 and she is married to a man who is 70. It's hard to "get" why it shouldn't be OK for me because I'm 14 years younger?

Just curious for other opinions.

TBH I don't think I would personally feel that comfortable with such a big age gap in theory, but I've never been in the situation so it's difficult to say.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't judge anyone else for having a large age gap, though. If you're happy, and he's a decent man, that's all that really matters at this stage. I would enjoy being treated well, and see what happens. Don't write off a lovely person because of their age.

I'd mention it to others in passing, when you need to, not as if it's already a big deal, iyswim. People will pick up on your insecurities otherwise, and then it could be made out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is.

I have a tendency towards co-dependant behaviour, and I have been with people in the past with that big an age gap for precisely the reasons you are secretly worried you are with him; security, wanting to feel wanted and safe and feeling that an older man would 'look after me' and treat me well, as well as really value me. I felt I couldn't be with someone my own age as they'd never want me. Bit sad, really.

Basically, it can either be fine or a really really bad idea. Obviously there are considerations like the health ones mentioned above, but they don't have to be a concern. The problems arise when you choose someone for the wrong reasons. Then, it can be a very very bad match. Unfortunately, none of us can tell you if your reasons for being with him are good ones, even if you knew them and could share them. It's up to you.

I would tread carefully, however. It sounds like you might have picked him because he epitomizes everything that your abusive ex is not. Be careful, there.

Needafootmassage, I am 27. Without being too mean, what on earth does a 27 year old have in common with a 55 year old? Is he rich? For one thing, that will never be an equal partnership, in so many ways.

Your friend's age gap of 10 years is fine- nothing really. I dated a man 13 years older for a long time- we had a relationship but it broke down, not due to age.

You have to be realistic here. When you are 53 he will be 80. It is unlikely that he will still be able to have sex then- it's possible but most men of that age have erection issues if they can get one at all. Don't think that at 53 you will not want sex- I am older than 53 and my libido is higher than ever.

It is also highly likely that if you had a relationship and married, you would be widowed young. Some people don't care about this- they love the person so much that they are happy to have 10 good years .

Just think on all of this before it goes any further.

I think life stage is more important than age, so if your love interest has also been married, divorced, got teenagers/older children that is more helpful than whether you were born within a decade of one another.

I've always been drawn to much older men and I don't think, in my case, personally not generally, it's very healthy.

He is 70 and 'financially secure'..lol..go for it.

The thing that screams out and it's such a cliche- is "father figure".

I used to go for older men as I had an old head on young shoulders, but now in my 50s if I was ever on my own. I'd go younger as many men my age have one foot in the grave and are just so dull! Make mine a toy boy every time.

One other thing that concerns me about your post is that he has spent 30 years alone after a divorce- that is pretty rare as many men rush straight into something with another woman IME as they hate being alone.

I think I'd be more concerned about the lack of relationships over the last 30 years and that would ring an alarm bell.

THAT is a huge age gap! My DD is 22 and her father is 56- can I imagine him going out with a girl her age or 5 years older? no. I think he'd be delighted top ull a 27 yr old- on a superficial level- but what would they have in common?

Why don't you go with the flow..
the guy could drop dead in two years; so could you! Enjoy it while it's there!

Life is too short for 'what if's'! If it makes you happy, then go for it!!!

I'm not sure at the moment if I am attracted to him for the right or wrong reasons. It does feel right though apart from the opinions of other people. It feels like almost the last social relationship taboo to have a big age gap but I can understand why people are wary too.

He did have another significant relationship after his divorce. He has shown me photos of both the ladies he loved and speaks very fondly of them. There weren't any children.

At 46 years of age, it really is no one else's business - family or not. You say he is treats you well and from the sound of it, seems to bolster your self esteem so what is the problem?!

I say this from experience. I am in my 30's and have always preferred to date much older men (despite their social status) only because they are old fashioned (which I lurrve), well rounded, grounded, secure in themselves, and are ridamndiculus lovers.

I do have to ask though, do you forsee any issues in the bedroom? at his age, this has to be given some consideration.

Ps - I think the last social relationship taboo is bestiality

Pps - If you don't want him, I will gladly take him off your hands.

ultimately it is none of anyone else's business.

Personally I wouldn't but everyone has their preferences and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another and vice versa.

24 years is a generation. When his last relationship ended, you were six.

If you were a close friend of mine, I'd be very concerned about your relationship becoming serious - he's spent the whole of your lifetime (and all of his, by the sound of it) suiting himself. He's unlikely to suddenly transform into partner material. If it's just a matter of dating, though - go for it. Variety is the spice of life, etc.

Go for it. My DH is 20 years older than me. I am 26. We have our problems but none of them are about the age gap.