Age Gap Relationship

[FlatulentStarfish]

I have unexpectedly met a really nice guy and I'd love your opinion on my situation.

I'm 46, divorced having got out of a long emotionally abusive relationship, almost 2 years ago. Since then I've had therapy, been working on my problems (co-dependent, rescuer). I've been socialising and getting on well with my career quite expecting to be single forever.

The guy I have met works in the next building, I've known him for about 3 years, he is liked by everyone and seems kind, respectful and decent.

The downside is he is 70 (but doesn't look it!), he's been divorced for 30 years with no kids, marriage broke down because he put his career first (it took him abroad a lot).

We've only dated twice but he's taking me out
again at the weekend. I am a bit bowled over by the way he treats me like a princess, I love going out with him he is interesting, well-mannered and attentive. He also is financially secure.

I'm worried about when I tell my parents and children about him and what they'll say about the age gap, not to mention my ExH as it will give him an opportunity to make life difficult.

I am almost scared to continue seeing this guy because of this. Although I am better than I was I do have low self-esteem problems connected to my personal life but I do have a successful career.

I've also looked for "red flags" and I don't think he's got abusive tendencies. The only negatives are that he doesn't have any close friends (but loads of acquaintances) and spends a lot of time in the pub (but not an alcoholic).

Thanks for reading and would love to know what people think.

24 years is almost 2 generations- they count a generation as the age at which you could have children of your own, so biologically it's 15 years or so.

All the things you said about being treated as a princess make it sound as if he is putting you on a pedestal which is lovely- but it also means that you are looking at him as a father figure and someone "safe".

have you thought about the future? You have got to be realistic- in 10 years he'll be 80 and even if he is fit ( and alive!) youwill still be a relatively young woman with possibly another 40 years ahead of you.

firelfies the difference between you adn the OP surely is that your DH has another 30-40 years ahead of him, so you can have some life together, whereas a man of 70 has at most 15 years if he is lucky.

My Dh is nearly 30 years older than me. We have been together 15 years. We have a very equal relationship, so it is not always a father figure thing. Although people usually assume that... or assume you are a bimbo if you are the woman.

You have to be prepared for comments. But people are always judging something, so who cares? I have been called a bimbo (have a PhD thanks) a gold-digger (I am the breadwinner) and worse. I never thought twice about entering the relationship because I fell in love. You have to be prepared also that there will come a time when you are still young, but you will be acting as a carer for your spouse. That is just likely to be a fact. You also have to be prepared for the idea that there is a real chance you will be a widow for a long time. I know those things, and I am prepared for them. I have been in this relationhsip because I believe that finding someone you love, who loves you is a miracle. To share your life with someone like that is so precious. To be able to love and be loved is a very great privilege. No-one knows what the future holds. We had a family friend who married a man 20 years older than her. They were agonising about it, and what woud happen when he got old and all that, and as it turned out, she died first... by some decades... of cancer. Now, she could have said 'sorry, too old, I'll keep looking' or she could have taken the very real joy and happiness that was offered to her at the time.

I am so happy with my DH. We suit each other brilliantly, and I am grateful every day for him. To have thrown over my chance of this happiness just ebcause somebeody might think it is a little bit off seems stupid. I am so glad I did not.

I say, go out with this guy for as long as you enjoy his friendship, and for as long as you are good for and to each other. Maybe it will progress into something more, maybe not. But you might at leas end up with a good friend. :)

Good luck!

my two-penneth...-my mum and dad met when she was 21 and he was 40. had 51 years together til he died last year. they were very happy, even tho my mother was and remains a mad loon

70 year olds are not another species you know Boobooglass! You'll be 70 one day (if you're lucky!).

Some sound advice on this thread though.

Fantastic advice from everybody, thanks. What a heartwarming story ClearandPresent, I guess you're living proof that it can work, but it's not an easy choice to make. I'm so glad it has had a happy ending for you two.

I don't know what my older guy is like in the bedroom dept, we haven't got that far yet! It really is a friendship so far though we're both obviously attracted to each other.

It's useful to be ready for the sorts of comments and reactions we'd get if we do continue to date.

He had an important post in the military which took him abroad a lot and I guess that does put a lot of pressure on a marriage. His exW asked him to make a choice and he decided to stay with the forces. His other long-term relationship ended for the same reason. He's been single since for 10 or 15 years I think.

He's going on a scuba diving holiday in Egypt over Xmas/New Year so I think he's pretty fit. He still works full-time.

Think I'll just enjoy the moment and let someone spoil me for a change, and keep it fun and flirty!. TBH there's no need for me to let people know his age anyway and he'd easily pass for early 60's which isn't so shocking.

It knocked me a bit off balance when he told me his age this week as I hadn't suspected how old he was.

Hello FlatulentStarfish!

Just wanted to say that there's 21 years between me and DH, and we are very happy. You soon forget about the age if you love someone. He is a different generation to me, and sometimes we don't understand each other's cultural references, but it doesn't matter.

I knew when I married him that things may be difficult when I'm in my 50s and he's in his 70s- I may spend my early middle age caring for him, I may lose him when I'm still quite young. But I decided that, since he's the one I love, I'd be with him- For better and for worse.

If you like him, give it a go. :)

CLearand present, you took the words right out of my mouth :)

If you're happy together, then there's no problem, and it's none of anyone else's business IMO.

I tend to think a big age gap is more of a problem when one person (usually the woman) is very young, i.e. she's only about 18, he's in his 30s or older. I know that can work out ok too, but from personal experience I feel a bit doubtful about it because of the whole power imbalance thing. At 18/19 you think you're all mature and grown up, but it's not necessarily the case, you don't know what you don't know, and some people do take advantage.

But in this case you're both very much grown-ups, sounds like it's early days for the relationship so see how it goes but don't be put off by what other people think!

31 years between me and DH, been together 10 years have two dc aged 6 and 4 concieved without fertility treatment. He can run uphill, kick a ball round the park and swim 100 metres easily at 70, and he's able to do the school run etc whilst I work. He's a lot fitter than a lot of 40 year old men I know, is slim and still plays cricket etc. Go for it I say!

I'm 28 and with someone who is 51. It has been a rocky road as we had an affair. He has two teenage children and we have been trying for a baby for 9 months. Even tho the doctor reassured me that his age would not affect pregnancy and to wait a year I am extremely worried about it and its really getting me down. I would be grateful for any advice : (

Ignore the more narrow minded comments on here, and see where it goes. Stuff the age gap. I speak from experience.

Everyone is entitled to pursue personal happiness so long as it doesn't harm anyone else.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...................

It sounds like the only thing that's really worrying you is what other people will think. And that's none of their business. I'm sure you've already thought about the fact that you could end up as his carer, and all the other apparent downsides.

My boyfriend is 8 1/2 years younger than me. I'm 33, he's 24. We deal with the obvious jokes every day from colleagues and friends ("Does his mum know he's out on a school night?" etc), but we're perfect for each other and I'm so happy that I didn't let the age gap put me off in the beginning.