Is my DH a workaholic?!

[Chattermatter]

DH and me have been married for nearly 2 years and we have a 1 year old daughter.
DH works in computer programming in central London. (we live outside London and dh says it takes about 1-1.30hrs on the tube)
I trust DH and he is a decent guy so I don't want this turning into anything nasty,But I am worried about the time he spends working.
He often doesnt get home until after 11pm and even on the weekend he is sat at his computer working. He often works into the night like last night he was up util about 2am working. I know he finds his work challenging and sometimes stressful but he has also talked about him changing jobs to work for other financial institutes which he says 'would require longer hours' - I don't get it, surely he should at least want the weekend to unwind with such long hours anyway and to actually want to work more (I know he wants a pay rise too from another job which is fair enough with the work he puts in)

I am at a loss what to do. He often says he is sorry but never does anything about it. Other people (freinds and family)have made comments about it too to me.
I honestly feel like a single mum as I or our daughter hardly ever sees him.
We have talked about and he knows what I think and I guess now I just leave him to it.

So I was wondering if he has some kind of addiction to his work or am I just being daft?

Does he need to work such hours or does he choose to?

didl, I am not even sure I can answer that. I know he has projects to finish etc but it seems a constant thing.

Was he always like this or has it got worse?

domestic, he was in another job when we met and it wasnt as bad because he didnt have the journey but even then he often did't get in until 8-9pm, certainly not as bad as now though. I was always under the impression that it was a passing thing and would get better but it seems it is going the other way.

Well I would say that if he constantly needs to work such hours, then he´s rubbish at time management or they need more staff!

My dh is a programmer. The impression I get is that long hours are something most of them do. Certainly most of his friends do. It's not helped by it being a 'young' 'profession' where most people are single without families. Some companies are a lot worse than others in expecting weekends and bank holidays too. You can choose not to work for those firms though. My dh's current company has an ethos where most people turn up late, but then work 'til late. Dh is generally in 8:45, leaves 5:45-ish and is quite unusual, but he's always made a point of working only his contracted hours (whichever company he's been with) unless there's an exceptional reason. Don't think he feels it's harmed his career. Know someone else (programmer) who now works in a bank with much friendlier hours.

Should add have heard the 'just for this crunch' excuse many times. It never is. We both agree that those that do work the silly hours then fritter large chunks of time away during the day necessitating he late nights. (Used to happen in my workplace too and really wound me up when they would then get singled out for a pat on the back.)

Thanks Yomel, Does your DH tend to work from home/at the weekend ect or can he put it down? I always think personally that it was him who chose to work in central and he knew what it entailed. Does your DH manage to separate his time at work and at home doing other stuff?
Often my DH sits on his comp while eating his dinner even. :(

He is aso older (late 30's) and doesnt have any social. He doesnt seem to have any hobbies now either.

life*

I think this has the potential to be a marriage breaker.
(My DH has often worked long hard hours which has been damaging to our family life. He has got better at balancing things, but it has been difficult to get him to readjust and there were times I wanted to fling his mobile through the window.... Fundamentally it's because he loves the work.)
I suspect your work is your DH's life. He probably doesn't even realise the effect of what he's doing and what he is gradually losing in the process, because he is so preoccupied. If you want him to change his work/family balance you have to tell him and know what ratio is acceptable to you. Otherwise, this will fester and fester, you will grow further apart and resent the fact he doesn't get involved enough with your DC. Then if you have another DC, it will be even worse, as you will feel he is not pulling his weight at all.
Tell him if he must, he should do his extra stuff whilst commuting. That would add up to 3 hours a day, judging by what you say. That's substantial. Therefore he can afford to turn the computer off when he is at home. Could he negotiate a 4 day week?

Thanks London,you summed up how I really feel. I think I am beginning to feel resentful about it as well although I hate to admit it. On some occasions it has become so bad we have barely spoken all week and I have even asked him before if he really wants us here. He will then come back earlier for 1-2 evenings and then its back to the usual late nights again. I have a 1 year old which is hard work when I dont live near any friends or family to help out. I am all for me doing everything at home while he works to keep us but we don't seem to do anything a a family now and its not the way I see a family.

yomellamoHelly's post of 0850 is right. My brother is a software engineer. He's single, no ties and frequently works to midnight. He loves his job, and the challenges it brings. Seems a sort of addiction. However, at the age of 25 he earns a six figure salary - so any employer is bound to ask for their pound of flesh for that. I expect that Chatter's DH earns a large wadge of dosh also....

He used to Wee when he was contracting but took quite a big cut when he went back to agency. Around 50k

He needs to set himself some limits.

DH is a researcher so the job is never-ending (mine is similar).

We both spend most evenings side by side at our desks at home and negotiate at the weekends over who is with the kids.

BUT DH gets the 4.30 train home and is back at 5.15 or 6.15 once or twice a week.

He had to put up with a certain amount of snide comments from colleagues initially, but they have realised that he is still doing the work and adjusted to it.

I also have a fixed time to get home (agreed with childminder) but if I don't have a commitment to a time I find it really hard to say STOP to work and get out of the office.

Maybe its easier for me to get frustrated because I am not working too. Maybe if I were still working I wouldnt be so conscious of it but unfortunately we can't afford the childcare fees at the moment if I were to go out to work. :(

If you would like to work, I can't see how you could NOT afford for you to, with one child and a DH in IT? (prepares for flaming)

You should add up the TOTAL of what you BOTH earn and then deduct the childcare from that and see if it's enough to live off.

I think if you were working outside the home it would be harder for your DH to do this, because you would be able to insist on sharing the pick-up from nursery/cm and put your foot down about him coming home and not leaving you to do it all.

Certainly as things stand there is little motivation for him to change I think.

On the other hand it is a little sad for you to feel forced to go to work because he is a workaholic.

Well the work I do is usually not full time and not very well paid either and when I add up traveling costs etc, it's not that we couldn't afford it but all the wages I would earn would go towards it and probably more.
We had DD in 2 afternoons a week (8 hours a week) and that cost about £250 a month alone. (£54 a day here is the average)I don't think I could work full time at the moment because I have a few health problems which are being investigated and with which I get very exhausted quickly too, so thats a nother issue. But If I could I think maybe 2-3 days a week would be good as I really love the work I do.

I imagine there are a few issues here. The industry your DH works in with the culture of long hours; the commute - which sounds totally normal for London / SE; the pressure to succeed as he is the only earner in the family; and his habit of working these hours.

Unless you are very poorly paid I can't see that you would not have some money left after paying for childcare / travel to work & anyway it would be less when your DD starts school at 4. However, I can't see your DH being coerced into picking up from nursery at 5.30-6 if he normally doesn't come home until 11! Would imagine you would probably end up still doing the nursery drop offs and pick ups.

Can you start by taking baby steps, say home by 8.30 two nights a week and only working on one day at the weekend.

I totally sympathise! My DP also works in IT and is a (semi!!) reformed workaholic! If it was left up to him, he would come home from work at around 8pm, have a cup of tea and then head straight for the computer. Weekends would be the same- starting off with 'I'm just going to check my emails....'

This has nearly destroyed our marriage, but gradually he began to see what his love of work (!!) was doing to our family life. Yes he gets paid for putting in all these hours, but as he's begun to realise, he won't get back the precious moments he's missing watching his babies grow up. There was a time that he was so preoccupied with work that he couldn't see what he was missing.

I totally agree with London- tell him how you feel and what you believe to be acceptable in the work/home balance. It will take a while, but keep on at it and you will get there in the end! If that fails, hammer to the computer- I was tempted!!!!!

Good luck!!

Oh my oh my. After having read all your posts I feel quite glad I'm single, have paid off the mortgage and now only have to work part-time. I'm on a tight budget but we are well-fed and clothed and warm. I also have a great ex-H who's a stay-at-home dad with his new family and spends loads of time with our DD.

I of course appreciate that one needs to make a living wage, especially with a family, but living to work just seems such a waste of life. Hope you manage to work something out OP.

Chattermatter, Me again - Just wondering if you have had the chance (!) to speak to him yet? I am 14 years married and if there's one thing I really regret, it's the years of saying nothing when I was fed up to the back teeth. I wasted so much time suppressing resentment - didn't want to be a nagging wife, understood that his work was important, and financed the family. But in sitting tight for a long long time, I did myself no favours. I have learned to speak my mind more, but there are too many resentments from the past which were never properly tackled at the time, which, on a bad day, can come up and bite me!

Thanks to the last few posters, I havent seen him yet to talk to as I went to bed before he was in last night. I know I should not let this get to me but I have tried to talk to him on a few occasions but even when I want to sit down and talk he has something else to do or is preoccupied. I think he does know how I feel as he is always apologetic and even makes jokes about it sometimes but even with our daughter being so young (she is only just 1) he doesnt seem to have the time for her. I feel bad for her too because she gets so excited when she does see him,he plays with her for 5 minutes and then gets fed up with her and back to his work.

Do you go out and leave him to it with her?

Because otherwise the temptation for him will always to be "too busy" to play with her.

My DH took a morning off a week for a few months to be with the DS after a colleague told him he regretted not spending enough time with his DC when they were young.

He sounds like someone who has trouble with setting a limit on work, could there be a morning on a weekend where you go out and do things without them and he is forced to look after DD?

She is still too young for him to stick her in front of the telly and go back to the computer I think!

Yes jamais it is too young for her. TBH I very rarely go out by myself as I dont really have friends or family around where I live. I have been out twice in the past year in the evening with a friend but then by the time we went out she was asleep anyway so didnt have much to do! I don't think he has much patience with her tbh.