Is my DH a workaholic?!

[Chattermatter]

DH and me have been married for nearly 2 years and we have a 1 year old daughter.
DH works in computer programming in central London. (we live outside London and dh says it takes about 1-1.30hrs on the tube)
I trust DH and he is a decent guy so I don't want this turning into anything nasty,But I am worried about the time he spends working.
He often doesnt get home until after 11pm and even on the weekend he is sat at his computer working. He often works into the night like last night he was up util about 2am working. I know he finds his work challenging and sometimes stressful but he has also talked about him changing jobs to work for other financial institutes which he says 'would require longer hours' - I don't get it, surely he should at least want the weekend to unwind with such long hours anyway and to actually want to work more (I know he wants a pay rise too from another job which is fair enough with the work he puts in)

I am at a loss what to do. He often says he is sorry but never does anything about it. Other people (freinds and family)have made comments about it too to me.
I honestly feel like a single mum as I or our daughter hardly ever sees him.
We have talked about and he knows what I think and I guess now I just leave him to it.

So I was wondering if he has some kind of addiction to his work or am I just being daft?

Both DH and I are guilty of using work as an excuse to get out of childcare (the dodgy bits - tantrums, bottom-wiping, dressing them...you know what I mean!).

I think it's sad for him that he doesn't get involved and unfair for your daughter AND you.

I do think a lot of sahms get caught in the trap of doing everything because it's their 'job' which lets their DH off the hook most of the time.

A friend recently said it wouldn't be fair on her husband for her to go out more than once a week in the evening leaving him to do tea/bed/bath on his own because he'd been at work all day.

But in a couple where both parents woh, they BOTH get home from work and then have to step up to it and get dinner cooked, washing done, kids to bed etc.

For me, being back at work is also being part of a partnership where we have equal responsibility for the DC - something to think about when you only look at it financially - especially if you love your job!

Can't you go out for a walk or a run or something on a fixed TIME-TABLED basis so he is forced to take responsibility?

I may get flamed for this, but I don't think that you going out to work is the solution to your DH's work addiction.
You would be the one solely responsible for all pick ups & drop offs, taking time off if your DD is ill and again with the hours he works you would pick up all the housework.

My boss seems a bit like your DH he appears to be almost addicted to working long hours and weekends, even now when his workload must have been lightened by an increased team, he still is there all the time.

As others have said, giving him sole responsibility for periods of time may help, or perhaps blocking out a family Sunday afternoon where you have a defined activity and he knows that it is non negotiable to back out. As he spends so little time with your DD he probably doesn't know how to interact so hopefully this will get him reacquainted and make him want to spend a bit of time with his family.

Could you try to get a baby sitter arranged once a week or fortnight for you to get out with your friend or for a swim or invite some other mums out for an evening to try to build up your social life.

I think that is a danger rookie, definitely.

On the other hand, if he is someone (and I live with one and am a little that way inclined myself) who has a very strong work ethic, he MAY support you in that.

For example my DH never complains (not that he should!) about me having late meetings or needing time to work on a weekend or an evening.

But if I were to go shopping or do something "frivolous", it wouldn't have top priority for him and he would probably find some work to do then.

I feel like your friend Jamais. I feel everything at home is my duty ( and I everything!)because I dont go out to work. If I did go out to work I would probably feel differently.

Rookie, I probably would be responsible for all that and tbh I dont know how I would cope with it. He just isnt the type of man to do stuff around the house iykwim ? I have often come back home when he has been here all day to find things exactly the way I left it with a few more crumbs on the top!

But,having said all this, I did lock myself out a few weeks back and he tried his best to come back asap. I am sure if I really needed it he would.

It sounds as if he really doesn´t enjoy being at home tbh.

he sounds like he doesn't want to be a husband or father tbh. a man who loved his child would want to see her. what will your dd learn about her own worth as she gets older if her own parent doesn't want her?

Some men aren't terribly good at being with small children though, don't find them that interesting until they are able to interact properly with them.

The OP's DH probably justifies his behaviour by thinking he is working hard for his family, which in a way he is, only he is taking it too far.

Insistence on some ground rules one family afternoon per week, sole care 2 hours a week, whilst perhaps less than one would want, could perhaps be the jolt that he needs to realise that he needs to spend more time with his family. Or maybe it won't and it will then be time for the OP to assess her options.

I am not sure I would go as far as you violeteyes about him not wanting to be a husband or father.
I think a lot of guys think the baby is something for the mother, and the chances he will show more interest in her when she is older - or at least in this case, when she can log on.
He probably doesn't 'get' this baby business yet, but he might in time, if OP can make it clear that he has to.